DP’s ‘work wife’ will end my relationship

[NicoleJ9]

I need to start this by explaining that my previous relationship ended because my ex had a ‘work wife’ which developed into more than a friendship between colleagues. She was quite a bit older than him (50 compared to him being early 30’s) and he said he fell for her. Overnight work trips were actually them spending nights together in hotels. He disappeared on the morning of my birthday saying he could only get a half day from work when he was actually at her house. This was denied for a long time until I caught him out and he confessed. It broke me and it took years to build up to dating again.

I’ve been with current DP for just over a year. He is brilliant and knows all about what happened in the past and how hurt I was. He’s always said that he finds ‘work wife/husband’ to be an insulting term to real life partners and would not put himself in that position (he does have a corporate office job).

DP and I were out at the weekend and saw one of his colleagues out who came over and had a chat. He was perfectly polite and they were having a laugh about work. His colleague said ‘I saw X out earlier’ and turned to me and said ‘have you met her yet, that’s his work wife. Don’t worry, she’s old enough to be his Mum’. I laughed and said no and my DP looked incredibly sheepish and moved the conversation on.

DP admitted when his colleague had left that this was true but it means nothing and he was protecting me by not telling me. I went home immediately and told him I need space. We’ve not spoken properly since and I am still devastated.

I feel as though I must end the relationship. I don’t have anyone in real life I’m comfortable in confiding in at the moment, do you think I’m being over the top?

I could never stay with someone who insisted they were 'protecting me' by not telling me something.

He's not protecting you. He's protecting himself. He should have discussed this with you as he knew the term is triggering to you, however meaningless the connection with the colleague may actually be.

A quick conversation is all it would have taken - "hey, can you believe that X has just started calling this woman I work with my work wife! It's really stupid and I'm going to ignore it/ confront it/ other course of action - what do you think?
I want you to be comfortable and secure in our relationship and I know what happened in the past, so I want to deal with this however is best for you."

That would have been a more mature way of dealing with this than hiding something he knew would trigger and upset you.

It's completely disingenuous of him to say that he hates the term himself but then accept people using it about him and a colleague and hiding it from you, even if there's nothing there.

I would lose all respect for him at this point, whatever the actual connection is between him and this colleague.

I see where you’re coming from. You let yourself trust him and now you know he kept something from you you’ve put your walls right up to protect yourself from further hurt.

He’s done the classic thing of not telling you to save your feelings rather than coming home one day and telling you straight that he’s working closely with a new colleague and dealing with your reaction to that.

He’s just done a human thing really. It’s not a break up worthy offence on his part.

At the same time it’s up to you if you don’t want to put yourself through a triggering scenario. If you’re going to be worried every time he’s at work it will eat away at your relationship.

The colleague was male and was perfectly polite, you could tell he wasn’t trying to drop anyone in it.

Whether it was male or female, it was shit stirring behaviour

In fairness he was inbetween a rock and a hard place. OP told him about her past so any work relationship he had with a female put him in the position of being damned if he mentioned it and damned if he didn’t.

The way to build trust isn't just to lie by omission and pretend.

You have to be MORE transparent, not less.

This! 10,000 times!

I think the phrase 'work wife' is designed to cause trouble, I would suspect anyone using it of being a real stirrer. How embarrassing would it be for some idiot to call you that just because you work closely with a man (who you may not even like but get on with for the sake of the job). And saying it to someone's partner is just nasty.

...but it means nothing and he was protecting me by not telling me.

Any man who lies or doesn't tell you things as you'd be upset, is one I wouldn't trust. There's no honesty there, just a desire for an easy life.

Frankly, I think you are being ridiculous.

It's a woman reworks closely with and there's zero indication in this instance instance that it's anything more than that.

They probably bounce work related ideas of each other at work and probably have skills that compliment each other.

Don't end an otherwise perfectly good relationship over a nonsense term given to them by someone else.

Exactly. He had no issues saying it because to him it wasn’t taboo, meaning your DP has never tried to discourage this discourse.

This isn’t about whether someone is having an affair or going to have an affair

This is about lying

If he lies about this then what else can he lie about.

The trust is gone

I’d feel exactly the same and completely understand why you are so upset. X

Also, he said he didn’t tell her to ‘protect’ her. You’ve got to ask yourself what else has he/ will he keep secret to protect her?

Most people only refer to two colleagues in this way if they perceive them as having a particularly close working relationship including sharing lunch and break times together. So it's not something that people just say about opposite sex colleagues working together. Plenty trying to minimise it, on this thread, but observations by colleagues are usually pretty accurate.

I don't understand what you mean here

If he knows about your past he likely said nothing because he knew it would cause you upset even though it's nothing.

Said nothing about what? The fact he has a "work wife" and plays along with the term when he knows how upsetting his DP would find it?? If he knows about her past he should just simply not have a work wife. It's not like he's compelled to have one to function in his job! The fact he both has one AND hides it isn't good

I mean, is it? Surely it's whatever whoever says it means by it. I've barely heard it but always assumed it meant two people who just have to work very closely together by nature of their job. Is there an accepted definition?

How does he "have a work wife"? Because other people say it? What's he supposed to do?

yes I I know people are saying he is not your ex but he has lied to you and broken your trust, I think that enough would be the end for me as it would always be an insecurity. I think one of his colleagues mentioning it you is a way of giving you a heads up maybe- I have seen it before where it is casually mentioned -
not
saying for definite but strange thing for the colleague to mention I think

You don't even know if she's a friend.

The OP might know that, but she hasn't told us.

I do think people use it as a common expression - unfortunately because of your past experience it has negative connotations for you which this guy wouldn’t have known - I would just have a chat about it - you know your H best

We had a whole work 'family' - mum. wife, husband etc! There was nothing dodgy going on. I think it's quite a common phrase these days. My work wife was a woman and I'm not gay.

OP said he looked sheepish and admitted it

That means at work he plays along with it in some shape or form, either as a joke or a close relationship that other people notice

I’ve only heard of it when two colleagues who clearly fancy each other flirt all day.
think of Jonah and Amy in Superstore

He admitted it was true but 'meant nothing' and then, despite it meaning nothing, lied. Oxymoronic to say the least.

YANBU