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Original poster

DP’s ‘work wife’ will end my relationship

208 replies

NicoleJ9 · 07/05/2025 15:02

I need to start this by explaining that my previous relationship ended because my ex had a ‘work wife’ which developed into more than a friendship between colleagues. She was quite a bit older than him (50 compared to him being early 30’s) and he said he fell for her. Overnight work trips were actually them spending nights together in hotels. He disappeared on the morning of my birthday saying he could only get a half day from work when he was actually at her house. This was denied for a long time until I caught him out and he confessed. It broke me and it took years to build up to dating again.

I’ve been with current DP for just over a year. He is brilliant and knows all about what happened in the past and how hurt I was. He’s always said that he finds ‘work wife/husband’ to be an insulting term to real life partners and would not put himself in that position (he does have a corporate office job).

DP and I were out at the weekend and saw one of his colleagues out who came over and had a chat. He was perfectly polite and they were having a laugh about work. His colleague said ‘I saw X out earlier’ and turned to me and said ‘have you met her yet, that’s his work wife. Don’t worry, she’s old enough to be his Mum’. I laughed and said no and my DP looked incredibly sheepish and moved the conversation on.

DP admitted when his colleague had left that this was true but it means nothing and he was protecting me by not telling me. I went home immediately and told him I need space. We’ve not spoken properly since and I am still devastated.

I feel as though I must end the relationship. I don’t have anyone in real life I’m comfortable in confiding in at the moment, do you think I’m being over the top?

OP posts:
Cucy · 07/05/2025 17:03

Are you sure he wasn’t joking?

I don’t think I know of anyone over the age of 25 who uses that phrase in a serious way and even if they did, there’s no way someone would go and tell the partner.

Sounds like he was taking the mick because the woman is older and was just having a bit of banter at DHs expense.

Your ex cheated on you because he’s a dick.
But this is not correlated at all.
You need to find a way to trust your DP and not blame him for something that your ex did.

ClareBlue · 07/05/2025 17:08

ClareBlue · 07/05/2025 17:02

I was trying to find some research on this too. I would guess it's high but didn't want to post without some facts.

Show quote history

So world therapy say the stats are 85 perc of affairs for married people start at work. I can't copy link but easily googled. I presuming you can't actually have an affair with your wife, so maybe work wife's are no risk to your relationship.

ChristmasFluff · 07/05/2025 17:08

I think the problem is the massive lie he told at the start, when he told OP that "he finds ‘work wife/husband’ to be an insulting term to real life partners and would not put himself in that position". And then he either went ahead and put himself in that position (giving the lie to how he finds the term insulting), or was already in that position but pretended otherwise.

Either way, he is quite a big liar, and for me that would be the dealbreaker, rather than the work wife.

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/05/2025 17:11

Ellie1015 · 07/05/2025 15:28

It's a stupid but common phrase when 2 people of opposite sex work together. It doesn't indicate a friendship never mind an affair. Just a man and women from same dept who attend the same meetings.

Your ex cheated, and that is awful. He cheated because he wanted to and so did she. Not because she was his "work wife"

It's really not that - no one refers to a colleague as their work wife/work husband if they don't work with them closely and frequently. Its far far more than simply working for the same department/attending the same meetings!

My sister had a 'work husband' for years - they'd go out on jobs together (working for a company that supplied services to events), spend hours in the truck together, he dropped everything to rush her to hospital when she hurt herself at work one time (the boss was just going to let her go by herself), he's been to her house to fix her boiler, they drink in the same pub...

Now his actual wife is now also a friend and not remotely threatened (and DIY jobs are strictly on the basis that his actual wife gets DIY at home done before he goes helping anyone else) - my sister being gay is probably a big factor in this not being a worry for his actual wife.

They don't work together any more and are now just friends.

I have never ever come across a 'work wife' situation where both parties JUST went to the same meetings/worked in the same department, it is always much much friendlier and closer than that (even if not quite to the extent of my sister and her friend!)

I would be pretty furious that he's acknowledged that this can be insulting to the actual partner, and been going along with this shit behind your back. That is not respectful, at all.

Rewis · 07/05/2025 17:13

He’s always said that he finds ‘work wife/husband’ to be an insulting term to real life partners and would not put himself in that position

I dunno how op is overreacting when the partner specifically said this when they discussed the topic. He put himself in this position and decided not to tell op because he knew he crossed a clear boundary. If he thought work wife is just a joke then he should have told her when they were discussing it.

DodgersJammyAndOtherwise · 07/05/2025 17:14

You are having a visceral reaction because of the past.

I think it would be politic for him to arrange for you to meet his 'work wife' so you can get a second gut reaction.

I can see why you feel this way but I think the lemon that made the comment is likely just that, a lemon.

Wait and see what the work husband does next maybe and take it from there.

It's horrible that women are consigned to wife status at work as well as at home. Ugh.

DoraSpenlow · 07/05/2025 17:15

To me the term work wife means a Secretary or PA. Someone who does all your admin and travel arrangements for example. Nothing more. Anything more is an affair.

I was once quite pleased when I was hassling my boss to get a report done that he said I was a worse nag than his mother.

blubbyblub · 07/05/2025 17:15

ThatNimblePeer · 07/05/2025 16:42

Why is a woman ‘approaching her 60s’ (the horror!) in a relationship with a younger man ‘a mess’? If it works for them that’s their business, surely?

What’s your cut off date for when women should put a bag over their heads and ceremonially detach from their vaginas?

Do you have the same cut off date for men?

Show quote history

A woman approaching 60 who had an affair with a married man almost 20 years her junior is not someone likely to be anything but someone who would live a bit of a messy situation.

by her age (when they started their affair) a together person wouldn’t have embarked on an affair with a married man.

he’s now about to hit prime mid life crisis age with a woman a whole lot older. He’s already demonstrated he is someone who can have his head turned so it’s very unlikely things are going to be tidy.

and forget its worth, I am a eiman approaching 60 and I’m certainly not some old fogey. I’m just not someone who would even consider sneaking off to hotels with a married man of any age let alone 30 years younger than me. Because I’m not someone comfortable with that level of sleazy deceit

GarlicPile · 07/05/2025 17:17

orangedream · 07/05/2025 16:08

...but it means nothing and he was protecting me by not telling me.

Any man who lies or doesn't tell you things as you'd be upset, is one I wouldn't trust. There's no honesty there, just a desire for an easy life.

I agree. You are hyper-vigilant about the 'work wife' situation for reasons you've explained. This isn't particularly rational but I imagine we all have sensitive spots where we've been hurt. You told your DP about it, he said it wasn't a problem for him.

Now you find he's got no problem with it because he hides it from you! This speaks of an absolutely terrible approach to conflict avoidance.

When we ask our partners to refrain from certain behaviours and they agree, we expect them to refrain - or to discuss it with us. "I am doing the thing that upsets you, so I'm not going to tell you" isn't a solution, it's a problem.

If everything else in your relationship is rosy, I hope you and he can talk about the implications of lying by omission.

Bestfadeplans · 07/05/2025 17:18

I can see where you're coming from. But I'd need to know more. I find those nicknames incredibly cringe and immature.

Teenybub · 07/05/2025 17:18

Moondropmum · 07/05/2025 15:27

100% agree. You set a boundary and he's ignored it, even if it seems silly to other people it isn't to you and that's what matters. I also find the idea of the work husband/wife disrespectful and have been cheated on with a work colleague, my current partner knows that's not something I joke around with.

Show quote history

Im not sure about this, DP hasn’t said it. The term work wife makes me cringe, I have a friend at work that people at work joke is my work husband, it isn’t a phrase I would use and neither has he, we’ve been friends 10 years and there has never been a suggestion of anything more. When people say it I don’t argue it or comment because I think it would draw unnecessary attention to it, it’s possible that her DP thinks the same, and realistically if someone else says it is he going to turn around and say his partners ex relationship details… or just brush off the comment?

Blondiebeachbabe · 07/05/2025 17:18

Do not treat him like he is your Ex!

I fully understand why your wall has gone up. My first H cheated on me loads, and honestly it broke me.

I left him and quickly got into a relationship with my now DH. For the first few YEARS (Yes, years) I didn't trust him, and I was paranoid about everything. I would check his phone, hate him going out etc. We've been together for 17 years now, and in all that time he has never behaved like my Ex.

Don't ruin a good thing, or your Ex is winning AGAIN.

maddening · 07/05/2025 17:19

He could refer to her as his work mum?

AthWat · 07/05/2025 17:20

whitewineandsun · 07/05/2025 16:50

YANBU.

He's not your ex, but you discussed this happening and hurting you in the past, he said he doesn't like the term/dynamic. And yet, he still did it.

Did you tell him you don't need protecting but honesty? He sounds up himself for that comment.

What did he "do"? What actual thing has he "done" here apart from have someone else use a phrase about him?

SunnySideDeepDown · 07/05/2025 17:21

I’ve been in office jobs for over 15 years and I’ve never had a “work husband”. The only people I know who did this were outrageous flirts who were probably shagging.

Im sorry OP that you’ve been unlucky to have two immature men in a row.

It’s such a strange concept, why can’t they just be normal workmates? Why do they have to cross the boundary when you’re not around? What kind of wet blanket needs constant flirting and and “looking after” at work?

If tell him that his dishonesty is a problem you’re not willing to work through.

Find someone who is normal. Goes to work, works hard, has a few chats, comes home. The drama isn’t worth it.

Muffinmam · 07/05/2025 17:21

He’s not your ex. You can’t let this destroy you.

I do know what you’re going through - but this isn’t enough for it to be a red flag.

AthWat · 07/05/2025 17:22

Rewis · 07/05/2025 17:13

He’s always said that he finds ‘work wife/husband’ to be an insulting term to real life partners and would not put himself in that position

I dunno how op is overreacting when the partner specifically said this when they discussed the topic. He put himself in this position and decided not to tell op because he knew he crossed a clear boundary. If he thought work wife is just a joke then he should have told her when they were discussing it.

Edited

What position did he put himself in and how?

GarlicPile · 07/05/2025 17:22

Same same, @Teenybub. When colleagues' partners have said "Oh, you're his work wife!" I've replied something like "Urgh, cringe." But, apart from pulling a face when other colleagues said it, I haven't made it into a big deal.

In this particular case, though, the DP should have told his partner about it. His sin isn't having a good working relationship, it's choosing to keep OP in the dark.

JoyousEagle · 07/05/2025 17:23

Sounds like something other people at work have referred to, your DP doesn’t like it, and hasn’t mentioned it.
I’ve had someone referred to as my work husband before, by other people at work. It was nonsense. I didn’t like it, I didn’t encourage the term being used and didnt refer to myself as his work wife. And I never heard him use those terms either. But some people in an office are annoying and like to make these sorts of comments.

winter8090 · 07/05/2025 17:24

Unfortunately we’re shaped by experiences and that is true here.
But your DP is not your ex. I suggest meeting to talk this through as soon as possible.
Would him not being in touch suggest there are other issues?
I’ve heard my boss refer to me as his work wife. I can 100% guarantee there is nothing in that. Just a way to describe the purely work related relationship we have.

ItGhoul · 07/05/2025 17:24

MissDoubleU · 07/05/2025 15:46

In contrast to PP, your DP knew how upsetting and traumatic it would be for him to daly around with another woman at his place of work and call her his “work wife.”

He could have shut this down at any time. He didn’t. He just hoped OP would t find out about it while he and everyone else continued this fun little “joke.”

I would be deeply betrayed by my own DP in this situation, who has also expressed to me this is not something he would engage in. His colleagues are his colleagues or if appropriate also his friends, regardless of gender.

He didn't call her his work wife! His colleague used that term, not him. And we have no idea if he is 'dallying' rather than just getting along well with a colleague.

My DP's ex-partner left him for someone she met at work, and obviously he was devastated by that. But he doesn't use that as a way to police my good friendships with my colleagues, because that would be jealous and controlling and unfair.

Caravaggiouch · 07/05/2025 17:25

I don’t think you’d be giving this a second thought if it wasn’t for your experience with your ex.

wildlifeobserver1 · 07/05/2025 17:28

Does your DP refer to her as ‘work wife’ at work/to her? Or does he refute the term.

I think for me that’s what would make the difference

rrrrrreatt · 07/05/2025 17:29

What did your DP admit - that he describes this woman as his work wife or that they’re friends? There’s a big difference between the two.

I have a male work friend that colleagues say is my work husband but I would never describe our relationship like that. He already has a wife and I already have a husband, those positions are not vacant in our lives.

Could his situation be similar - an innocent friendship that others choose to frame with heteronormative language?

CiaoMeow · 07/05/2025 17:31

I do think you need to find out more and dig deeper OP before doing anything drastic. There's only half a story here. What does he have to say about it?