DP’s ‘work wife’ will end my relationship

[NicoleJ9]

I need to start this by explaining that my previous relationship ended because my ex had a ‘work wife’ which developed into more than a friendship between colleagues. She was quite a bit older than him (50 compared to him being early 30’s) and he said he fell for her. Overnight work trips were actually them spending nights together in hotels. He disappeared on the morning of my birthday saying he could only get a half day from work when he was actually at her house. This was denied for a long time until I caught him out and he confessed. It broke me and it took years to build up to dating again.

I’ve been with current DP for just over a year. He is brilliant and knows all about what happened in the past and how hurt I was. He’s always said that he finds ‘work wife/husband’ to be an insulting term to real life partners and would not put himself in that position (he does have a corporate office job).

DP and I were out at the weekend and saw one of his colleagues out who came over and had a chat. He was perfectly polite and they were having a laugh about work. His colleague said ‘I saw X out earlier’ and turned to me and said ‘have you met her yet, that’s his work wife. Don’t worry, she’s old enough to be his Mum’. I laughed and said no and my DP looked incredibly sheepish and moved the conversation on.

DP admitted when his colleague had left that this was true but it means nothing and he was protecting me by not telling me. I went home immediately and told him I need space. We’ve not spoken properly since and I am still devastated.

I feel as though I must end the relationship. I don’t have anyone in real life I’m comfortable in confiding in at the moment, do you think I’m being over the top?

I'm surprised that knowing your history your partner has allowed himself to be linked to a female colleague this way. Because it's entirely possible to have an excellent professional relationship and an appropriate friendship with colleagues of the opposite sex, without presenting in such a way that other people see you as a special unit of 'work spouses'. I think you need to talk to your partner and ask him why he thinks his colleague referred to the other woman in this way, and given he admitted it was 'true' what exactly does that look like. You can then decide if it crosses your boundaries.

I have heard it used for colleagues who are not as close as that. They work together professionally and well. Value each other's opinion and might help out if one busier than the other. Common among team members, but if of opposite sex can be referred to as "work wife". I have seen friendlier and more flirty relationship with colleagues who are not working together and not referred to as work wife.

I think op kindly, you are over reacting due to your previous trauma.

I have a "work wife" (I'm a straight woman) but it's a running joke in that she's the only other staff member on my level. I think the key here is whether he's doing anything wrong or if this colleague has just used what is quite a common phrase. Obviously for you it's a loaded phrase because of past experience but in reality it's a very common one. My stbxh had a 60yo male work wife.

I think unless you've anything to suggest this partner is doing anything wrong or untoward then you've absolutely no reason to end the relationship. If you are this sensitive about it then tbh I can see why he's decided not to tell you he's working closely with a woman. I think if generally he is a loving and caring partner, then I'd set some ground rules that he needs to be completely transparent going forwards about everything. But then op the onus will also be on you to make sure you're treating him fairly because he is not your ex. What exactly did he admit to other than he works with an older female colleague? And you need to think about what your expectations are here so you don't inadvertently fall into being controlling. What boundaries do you need him to set? What boundaries are fair for you to ask him to set? Eg, is it OK with you if he has friendships with women he works with?

But that's just your interpretation of the term! Everyone has a different idea of what it means. You don't the person who said to the OP and you don't know what they meant by it - only what you would mean by it, which isn't helpful.

In contrast to PP, your DP knew how upsetting and traumatic it would be for him to daly around with another woman at his place of work and call her his “work wife.”

He could have shut this down at any time. He didn’t. He just hoped OP would t find out about it while he and everyone else continued this fun little “joke.”

I would be deeply betrayed by my own DP in this situation, who has also expressed to me this is not something he would engage in. His colleagues are his colleagues or if appropriate also his friends, regardless of gender.

I have a work wife, I also have a work daughter, we are all female there's nothing in it just close friendly relationships that at times mimic family dynamics (like my young colleague asking me if it's true you have to pay for water rates or if I can call her nightmare ex boyfriend and tell him to leave her alone)

You definitely have a type OP 😂

"DP knew how upsetting and traumatic it would be for him to daly around with another woman at his place of work and call her his “work wife.”"

But he hasn't has he? At least that's not clear from ops post. Dps colleague referred to her as his work wife, not dp himself. Just because other people have labelled this doesn't mean it's anything other than a friendship or just a good working relationship - and it certainly doesn't mean ops dp is seeing her as his work wife.

What would annoy me is the "He’s always said that he finds ‘work wife/husband’ to be an insulting term to real life partners and would not put himself in that position " and the

DP admitted when his colleague had left that this was true but it means nothing and he was protecting me by not telling me. I"
I don't think he's cheating or intends t cheat but he made the comment about not putting himself in that position and then found himself in that position and didn't mention it to you and that's the bit that would really irritate me.

I've never heard it used about colleagues who attend meetings together. Only ever about opposite sex colleagues who are seen as a unit - close friends who are always found next to each other at socials, fetch each others lunches, help each other with aspects of their jobs and so on.

Don’t be ridiculous ?!? of course the woman who said this was trying to shit stir, why would another woman say something like this to his wife, you are very naive

She didn’t know the history but she didn’t need to, it was still shit stirring behaviour

What reasonable woman says something like this to a male work colleagues wife?!?

Work wife is a shitty term.
Your partner knows how you feel & I don't understand why people find it hard to define boundaries at work.
Yes, when your young and in a young team work is all fun. But then you grow up.
No to work wife, No to flirting, No to innuendos.

The fact he was so sheepish after the colleague said it so naturally indicates this was not the first time he’s heard it. The further fact he gave OP no prior warning, ie: “My colleagues keep joking about this person - I have told them to stop but they still say it.” Also proves he was in no hurry to be forthcoming to OP.

To me, he likes the work wife dynamic. He doesn’t seem to be making eager attempts to reassure OP considering they haven’t spoke. He doesn’t know what to say, he feels too guilty.

100% - it’s not at all difficult to have some professionalism.

Where does it say the colleague who made the comment was a female?

I think we should all be able to agree it means something more than just being the opposite sex to someone you work with and being as casually friendly with as you are with everyone else. Otherwise every opposite sex colleague would be known as our work spouse.

I'd find his lie hurtful and that he not only hid his work friend from you but is still close enough for a colleague to call her that silly name is not great either. Neither means he will have an affair with her or that he wants to, but lying and hiding relationships isn't good and it makes a lie of the line of not wanting to hurt you, it's usually the lying that hurts the most.

Before making a choice I'd want to have a good think about what I wanted from this and a discussion with him about boundaries and lying and take it from there myself. However you can leave anyone for any reason at any time so if none of this is great for you, regardless of anything we say, you do what feels right for you.

Living with trust issues is awful but you can learn to trust again, if you can, seek help, it will stop it from happening again.

Why not, older women and younger men get together aswell 😂😂

She was definitely trying her best to cause a bit of shit stirring, then asking her if she had met this particular woman ( who could have been a very attractive older woman) when she probably knew the OP probably hadn’t,

No they won’t YOU will.
there is nothing to say there is anything wrong or indeed they treat each other like that

The working relationship the two of them have isn’t the issue at all

what is is your insecurity around this and the fact that he lied to you.

You can’t police who he talks to or interacts with at work but the fact he lied is a big deal

Did he have a good relationship with work colleague prior to meeting OP, is what I would like to know.

If this is within work boundaries that pre-dates OP, then what was he supposed to do? Scupper a perfectly good relationship with a colleague? He didn't know how long him and OP were going to stay together.

I get that it's very triggering for OP - my first husband left me for a work colleague so I was very wary myself afterwards. But you can't control every aspect of someone's life and if there is no trust then the relationship is doomed anyway.

You either trust him or you don't.

Work wife doesn't just mean a man and woman who work together! It means they are known to be exceptionally close.

"DP admitted it was true but it means nothing."

Does this means he actually thinks of her/refers to her as his work wife?

I was teamed with someone (widowed) for years and I think we were very much seen as a pair at work, had lunch together, I made him a Christmas cake and nagged him about Doctors appointments, helped him chose gifts, lots really. He was brilliant at his job but a bit hapless at times, I was happy to do it though.

However, he was also friends from an early stage with my DH and we all spent time together (often with them watching football or cricket) Zero relationship or attraction other than friendship and to my knowledge noone every insinuated there was despite our obvious closeness.

I think you are understandably seeing things through the lens of what happened with your ex and I'd start by having an honest conversation with your DP about how this is making you feel.

Yes I thought a work wife was someone (secretary?) who quietly sorted things for the man like a 1950s wife might have done eg arranging flowers for his real wife's birthday, sorting his dentist appointments

OP hasn't said whether the person who said it was male or female? Unless I am misunderstanding her post?