DP’s ‘work wife’ will end my relationship

[NicoleJ9]

I need to start this by explaining that my previous relationship ended because my ex had a ‘work wife’ which developed into more than a friendship between colleagues. She was quite a bit older than him (50 compared to him being early 30’s) and he said he fell for her. Overnight work trips were actually them spending nights together in hotels. He disappeared on the morning of my birthday saying he could only get a half day from work when he was actually at her house. This was denied for a long time until I caught him out and he confessed. It broke me and it took years to build up to dating again.

I’ve been with current DP for just over a year. He is brilliant and knows all about what happened in the past and how hurt I was. He’s always said that he finds ‘work wife/husband’ to be an insulting term to real life partners and would not put himself in that position (he does have a corporate office job).

DP and I were out at the weekend and saw one of his colleagues out who came over and had a chat. He was perfectly polite and they were having a laugh about work. His colleague said ‘I saw X out earlier’ and turned to me and said ‘have you met her yet, that’s his work wife. Don’t worry, she’s old enough to be his Mum’. I laughed and said no and my DP looked incredibly sheepish and moved the conversation on.

DP admitted when his colleague had left that this was true but it means nothing and he was protecting me by not telling me. I went home immediately and told him I need space. We’ve not spoken properly since and I am still devastated.

I feel as though I must end the relationship. I don’t have anyone in real life I’m comfortable in confiding in at the moment, do you think I’m being over the top?

So someone close enough to someone to be termed workwife by colleagues isn't a work friend what else is she?

Why can't he have a work wife apart from your insecurities?

I had a work husband... whilst working with my actual husband! DH had no interest in gossiping about the rest of the team or talking about stupid things that we both found funny. We regularly went to lunch without DH and he couldn't care less.

It's only a threat if he acts inappropriately. Last week you had a perfectly happy relationship. You still do. He only lied because you were being ott.

I get it, my ex cheated on me too, I'm no where near dating (and I thought I was) and it's been months now.
However, you can't let your past dictate your future, communication is the only way forwards.

Good luck

Agree

Unfortunately yes @lazycats

It's a ridiculous and hurtful term. I have a friend at work who has been called my work husband. We've helped each other out a lot over the years and know a lot about each other. In a million years we would never be more than friends. I'm 10 years older than him anyway.

Does your DP refer to her as ‘work wife’ at work/to her

Nobody does this

I've got a very close friend at work.

Someone once referred to me jokingly as his work wife and I pointed put I was more like his work mum as I'm 17 years older (50 and 33).

It's a really naff expression but, tbh, I'd feel a bit uncomfortable with being described as a 'work wife' because he has a wife and it just feels disrespectful.

Workwife is a comedy term. It has no significance whatsoever. Nobody uses it to indicate a genuine romantic relationship.

However: No marriage, no kids? Not 100% sure? Just walk away.

Hi @NicoleJ9 - sorry to hear this - it’s so hard to trust again but try not to let past experience affect this one if you can x

Has he tried to contact you?

Hope it works out for the best for you x

Not heavily invested, just sharing relevant experience on a thread someone else created.

Obviously, I disagree with you about it being inappropriate to talk about personal stuff with people at work. Many of us spend a lot of time with our colleagues and it would be very strange to completely forget that we are humans outside of work and never talk about ourselves. Some jobs mean that you are so reliant on your team, relationships have to develop. As long as friendships don’t cross obvious professional boundaries, it’s a good thing.

It’s sad when people are so controlled by their partner’s insecurities that they feel they have to hide positive things about themselves and miss out on things they’d enjoy.

@NicoleJ9 YANBU- a ‘work wife’ is more than just a colleague of the opposite sex - not an ‘affair’, but a relationship that is more than colleagues who are friendly.
Work Wives / husbands will make teas and coffees , buy or make birthday cakes, basically do that bit extra.
Your partners colleague who said this mentioned that woman deliberately and then told you not to worry as she’s older- that implies a very close relationship or why even mention her?
im not saying your dp has done anything wrong - but I think you’re right to trust your instincts.

Its a wierd thing to bring up in a passing conversation, your partners friend was probably warning you.

I hate the term and have shut it down a few times, as has my husband with a young colleague who tried to describe herself as his work wife.

It's disrespectful to your spouse.

I totally understand Op how awful for you, it must be bringing back all those terrible feelings. I think you should take a little longer to think because it genuinely might be innocent, even though I can see how in your eyes it feels anything but.

After having spent 30 years in an office environment, I have to agree with you. A lot of MN get really angry about that term and honestly it’s not that deep and no clue why it’s meant to be so derogatory- no one properly explains that.

In my experience it’s just a silly term that people of opposite sex use when they frequently collaborate with each other or sometimes just sit next to each other and get on. I witnessed many ‘work wife/husband’ friendships and it was always professional with either a funny banter edge to it and the funniest when they like each other but find each others work approaches frustrating but for the project or whatever they have to put up with each other as it were. These office dynamics have always existed since women took on equal tasks to men it’s just that until recently it didn’t have a name.

However, I’ve also seen people flirt and eventually start ‘secretly’ dating even though they have SO and that had nothing to do with being a ‘work wife/husband’. Sometimes they were in different departments or same team but never closely collaborated. Point is those people are just born cheaters and would have done no matter what occupation and work environment they ended up in.

@NicoleJ9 Honestly at this stage there’s no proof DP has done anything wrong. He may appeared sheepish because he did lie about not using the term ‘work wife’ is all. Some people are assuming a lot saying his friend was ‘warning’ you. You just need to have a word with him to iron this out.

That escalated really quickly op. You could have still had a nice night then had a conversation later on that night or the next day about how you were feeling. It sounds like you aren't ready to date. Let him go and find someone who will treat him as an individual with respect and trust. You projecting your past ex onto your current dp is really unfair to him.

It sounds like the sort of conversation that takes place early in a relationship when you talk about what happened in past relationships, and OPs partner was doing what everyone does in those situations. He made a comment that showed he understood how she felt and tried to say what he thought she wanted to hear.

He did that because he liked OP and wanted a relationship with her. Not because he was intending on cheating on her with someone at work.

I used to be referred to as a work wife by my ex colleagues wife. I had zero interest in him and would tell his wife not to call me that as he had a wife and I wasn’t interested in being anyone else’s wife except my husbands. She found it all quite amusing, I did not it’s as if grown men need to be babied in some way.

I’d speak to your dp communication is important, just because a colleague called her that doesn’t mean he sees it that way. It’s just such a stupid infantile name for work colleagues. It doesn’t immediately mean there’s an attraction or an affair.

@NicoleJ9 he has crossed the one line he was asked not too . He knew how you felt and what it would do to you .
I’d be so angry .
The trust is gone op

Haven't read the full thread so sorry if this has already been asked...

What did your partner mean when he admitted it was true? There's no established definition of a "work wife" so what is he actually admitting to?

It's a very tricky one - OP feels betrayed given her history and what she has shared with her current partner. But no-one really has the right to say you can't have friends (genuinely platonic ones). That stupid term implies a level of intimacy which is probably just not there at all and never would be. It doesn't imply an affair, just other people cruelly planting seeds of doubt for their own amusement. The problem is that he felt unable to tell her, but that also is understandable. Lots of honest communication is the only way to resolve this.

Of course, I have no data to back up my assumption, but the vast majority of friendships that are called "work wife/husband" are just that, friendships. I have a work husband. I have for 20 years. We confide in each other about almost everything. Spouses are off limits. I would never complain about my husband to him. I sit next to him at most meetings we attend together, we talk on the phone 2-3 times a week (he works hybrid schedule and is often in another building) and have gone out socially with he and his lovely actual wife. It is possible to be platonic with someone that you are close to. Give your new partner the benefit of the doubt. He is not your ex.

Yabu.
DH was very close to a colleague in his last job, they shared the role and supported each other, once he transferred to a different company, the friendship ended, there was no after hour calls, she was happily married. I'd no worries.
Sometimes it is just a friendship that other colleagues brand "work wife".

Many of us work with men. That doesn't mean we sleep with them.

Your husband didn't call her the work wife.

Perhaps therapy would be of help to you.

Position of having a work wife and that he is comfortable with the term being used by colleagues (and potentially using it himself). I'm not saying they are having an affair but he could have set some boundaries if he wanted.