DP’s ‘work wife’ will end my relationship

[NicoleJ9]

I need to start this by explaining that my previous relationship ended because my ex had a ‘work wife’ which developed into more than a friendship between colleagues. She was quite a bit older than him (50 compared to him being early 30’s) and he said he fell for her. Overnight work trips were actually them spending nights together in hotels. He disappeared on the morning of my birthday saying he could only get a half day from work when he was actually at her house. This was denied for a long time until I caught him out and he confessed. It broke me and it took years to build up to dating again.

I’ve been with current DP for just over a year. He is brilliant and knows all about what happened in the past and how hurt I was. He’s always said that he finds ‘work wife/husband’ to be an insulting term to real life partners and would not put himself in that position (he does have a corporate office job).

DP and I were out at the weekend and saw one of his colleagues out who came over and had a chat. He was perfectly polite and they were having a laugh about work. His colleague said ‘I saw X out earlier’ and turned to me and said ‘have you met her yet, that’s his work wife. Don’t worry, she’s old enough to be his Mum’. I laughed and said no and my DP looked incredibly sheepish and moved the conversation on.

DP admitted when his colleague had left that this was true but it means nothing and he was protecting me by not telling me. I went home immediately and told him I need space. We’ve not spoken properly since and I am still devastated.

I feel as though I must end the relationship. I don’t have anyone in real life I’m comfortable in confiding in at the moment, do you think I’m being over the top?

Straight man here in relationship of 40+years. I'm 65.

Had a couple of female colleagues in the last 20+ years with whom I've been sufficiently friendly that we mutually confided in one another over family etc and have seen outside work for coffee or drinks/meals in the pub after work.

First of them is a bit younger, forties, and was regarded as 'phwoar' attractive. Serially monogamous. We worked together in various roles from 1989 until 2010 bit remained, and still are, in touch.

No spark with me. We were just friends although there was a frisson not present with male mates.

My Mother, born in 1926, who was aware of my friendship worried about it. She was though brought up in an era where women couldn't go to the pub alone and being out/about with a man who was not your husband was social death.

Other also younger, fifties, very happily married. We were pally in the office but thrown together in the pandemic WFH but chatting in Google. We both appreciated each other's company and support in those odd times. With hindsight we got too emotionally close after the pandemic and I wonder if colleagues thought we were 'going over the side together' but were not.

Again no spark but that frisson was there again.

In both cases my partner knew exactly what was happening and ribbed me incessantly about the other woman!! She has male friends, albeit some of them gay, and the ribbing is two way.

One of my kids, referencing the second, introduced me to the term 'work wife'.

In short, if one's significant other is going to 'play away' then they'll do it.

Just having a close friendship with a colleague of the opposite sex ain't bound to go that way. In fact I'd say far less so than meeting OW socially.

Just accept the friendship for what it is and ensure your DP is being open.

It could mean on the face of it no more than he is often with this woman, possibly because they work on the same projects, and people have said it as a joke. It doesn't necessarily mean they have any kind of non work relationship whatsoever.

Before yelling at someone that trust is broken and the relationship is over, perhaps find out.

Can you meet the work wife? I've shared office space with male colleagues before and always made a point of getting to know their partners or at least an introduction so they knew I was no threat.

Are you upset because he has a female colleague he gets on well with or because his male colleague referred to her as a work wife? Either way, YABU.

You can’t reasonably be upset with him for having a female colleague that he’s friends with. If you think he’s a nice bloke then other people will too. It would be more worrying if he had no friends at work.

I have a male friend like this at work. He adores his partner and he’s a good person who I don’t believe would ever be unfaithful, but he’s still not allowed to go to work social events because of his partner’s insecurities and jealousy. It says nothing about him, or me, or any other work friends, but it does say a lot about her and not in a good way.

I don’t know if there is an official definition. It does appear in the dictionary (see attached pic)

it’s typically supposed to be a platonic relationship closer than with other colleagues and that mirrors some of the aspects of a marriage for eg, more enjoying reaching others company, looking forward to seeing each other, playful joking, trust, disclosure of personal information etc
the problem is that as the OP found before, once the boundaries are blurred it can easily tip over into something not so platonic or at least an emotional affair where the person puts their work spouse ahead of their actual spouse

You are feeling really hurt, understandably so. But not all work relationships are as awful as your exH. He is likely telling you the truth that he didn't tell you about his colleague because he didn't want to upset you.

You need time and space to think about it and it will depend on how he acts.

It is highly likely that he hasn't cheated, doesn't intend to cheat and won't cheat.

When you're ready then see if you can communicate your hurt to him and listen to his perspective. Maybe ask a trusted third party.

I hope you feel better soon x

Why is a woman ‘approaching her 60s’ (the horror!) in a relationship with a younger man ‘a mess’? If it works for them that’s their business, surely?

What’s your cut off date for when women should put a bag over their heads and ceremonially detach from their vaginas?

Do you have the same cut off date for men?

So you are going to sulk and punish him and possibly sabotage your whole relationship because he didn't tell you about a woman at work who is absolutely nothing to him in the romantic/emotional sense? He knew damned well that if he said 'there's this older woman at work, we get along, she 'manages' me like a work wife, she's nothing to me, but I'm telling you about her anyway, so you don't think I'm hiding it.' he'd have never heard the last of it.

Perhaps part of this woman's position is to manage his diary and support him in an administrative sense. The phrase work wife doesn't have to imply closeness on a personal level.

He doesn't owe you an explanation for something he hasn't even done, just in case you might suspect him of doing it later. He doesn't need your permission to have a matey relationship with his colleagues of any age or sex.

@Bromptotoo I’m sure you are a nice guy but plenty of women wouldn’t really like it if their bloke of longstanding sits there deciding if there is ‘some kind of frisson’ it almost implies if there was you would be happy to go along with it .

And you know this because how? He told you? He told you that she’s not allowing him?
see this level of personal disclosure is not appropriate with a work colleague and suggests the wife is not the one with the problem.
you also seem heavily invested and too emotional in your use of negative language about the wife for someone who is happy being ‘just’ a colleague’.

Well he did, and men can be quite vindictive too, even when they are being polite. Maybe he fancies this woman? It's a horribly offensive, degrading term to both your partner and the woman concerned and this guy knew it.

What do you mean when you say “he admitted it”? What did he admit?

The term doesn't have some legal definition or precise meaning and is used to cover a spectrum of relationships observed in the work place but commonly:

1. It is a label others give the relationship after observing the two people involved. Rarely do the people involved use the label.
2. It generally implies a closeness that is not usual to all the working relationships. Doing things for each other that are not specifically in job descriptions or not always just about work activities,
3. It's rarely a positive label. It's usually used in a joking way to mask disapproval of perceived bias or a relationship excluding others,
4. It's usually surrounded with speculation as to how far the role of 'wife' is going or has gone,
5. It is often used as a way in conversation of telling actual spouses that their spouse has an unusually close working relationship with a member of the opposite sex,
6. It's a rubbish label for someone and it's meant to be. It's only used in a condescending or mocking way, even if well hidden, to mask judgement colleagues are making.
7. Sometimes people try and explain it as they help organise the man's life at work like their wife does at home (that sort of rubbish idea) but it's not about that for most people when they use the term. It's about perceived closeness and intimacy of work colleagues.

This guy was giving OP the heads up.

YANBU, to a certain extent. You have unresolved trauma, and the fact that someone told you your DP has a work wife touched that nerve.
I do think this calls for a conversation with him. He knows about your previous relationship, so he should understand where your insecurities are coming from. But I wouldn't dwell on it too much, because trauma from previous relationships can create havoc in the next ones, to the point where you might drive your partner away. Bear in mind that we can't control the uncontrollable, everyone has coworkers they might be close to, and that doesn't mean getting romantically/sexually involved. And maybe this would be a great time to work on yourself in order to heal. Trauma can be unbelievably challenging, but it's not impossible to heal. Do it for yourself, and for your relationship.

That's an interesting comment.

I've given the 'frisson' thing in platonic relationships with the opposite sex quite a bit of thought going back it being a thing in house shares in the eighties.

It's exactly that; a thing.

My OH says she's felt the same about men.

You probably should ask questions...

I'm called a work wife as have been supporting the same man in his role for 30 years. In no way do I want to be his actual wife! It's just a term people use and it's not always sinister. If there's no other red flags I'd move on and trust him.

YANBU.

He's not your ex, but you discussed this happening and hurting you in the past, he said he doesn't like the term/dynamic. And yet, he still did it.

Did you tell him you don't need protecting but honesty? He sounds up himself for that comment.

The colleague I'm closest to is a man (we share an office). You know what I call him? Colleague, work friend or if feeling whimsical then work roomie or work bestie. Never work husband. I just find the entire concept ridiculous.

I understand that for a lot of people it means nothing, but op has brought up this very specific scenario and partner still decided to entertain this whole thing.

What does that term even mean? I have worked with many men in my career (it is a male dominated field) . Some I have been closer to than others. It never crossed into anything other than a mild friendship - friendly colleagues but nothing close enough to be friends outside of work. Occasional jovial messages maybe. I’d find it weird to be described as someone’s work wife. I’d find it insulting to my husband as well. He knows all my colleagues by name even if he hasn’t met them as I talk about work a lot to him so no work relationship with a colleague would ever come as a surprise to him and v.v.

I have two 'work wives'- one of them is a woman and she regularly calls me her work wife- we work extremely closely together and bounce ideas off each other. The other is a man, who is my deputy. We're actually good friends, a decade plus apart in age. He's been married for a decade, and I know his wife quite well. We do message outside of work, but about work and stuff (like I said yesterday that he and his wife should watch X on Netflix) but we have never ever talked about our marriages to each other. We are pretty good friends but there is zero sexual/romantic spark.

I'd love to see statistic on how many work wives/husbands turned into affair partners (full on affair, emotional affair or crossing the line to inappropriateness)

Can't believe people telling you you're overreacting or have trust issues, OP! No, your partner has lied and overstepped your boundaries and broken your trust.

There are a lot of women on here who have no standards or self-respect when it comes to men. They're the ones who will tell you to put up with someone lying to you and hurting you. I would ignore them and listen to your gut.

I was trying to find some research on this too. I would guess it's high but didn't want to post without some facts.