DP’s ‘work wife’ will end my relationship

[NicoleJ9]

I need to start this by explaining that my previous relationship ended because my ex had a ‘work wife’ which developed into more than a friendship between colleagues. She was quite a bit older than him (50 compared to him being early 30’s) and he said he fell for her. Overnight work trips were actually them spending nights together in hotels. He disappeared on the morning of my birthday saying he could only get a half day from work when he was actually at her house. This was denied for a long time until I caught him out and he confessed. It broke me and it took years to build up to dating again.

I’ve been with current DP for just over a year. He is brilliant and knows all about what happened in the past and how hurt I was. He’s always said that he finds ‘work wife/husband’ to be an insulting term to real life partners and would not put himself in that position (he does have a corporate office job).

DP and I were out at the weekend and saw one of his colleagues out who came over and had a chat. He was perfectly polite and they were having a laugh about work. His colleague said ‘I saw X out earlier’ and turned to me and said ‘have you met her yet, that’s his work wife. Don’t worry, she’s old enough to be his Mum’. I laughed and said no and my DP looked incredibly sheepish and moved the conversation on.

DP admitted when his colleague had left that this was true but it means nothing and he was protecting me by not telling me. I went home immediately and told him I need space. We’ve not spoken properly since and I am still devastated.

I feel as though I must end the relationship. I don’t have anyone in real life I’m comfortable in confiding in at the moment, do you think I’m being over the top?

@NicoleJ9, your Partner feels entitled to (1) pretend to agree with your boundary (2) lie by omission when he is actually crossing said boundary and (3) blame you for his dishonesty because you need ‘protection’ when it is actually a self-serving tactic.

Lying is a dealbreaker for me, so it would be game over.

If shes old enough to be his mum, check that out. I have been in workplaces with older women that love to call themselves work wife / work mums and it helps the day tick along. Then everyone picks up on the terminology and call them that.

Fyi I would not be happy if my other half had a work wife. Its not appropriate. But might be more of a mumsy thing, not helpful when your previous partner left for a lady old enough to be his mum, but most men tend to go for younger / same age in a midlife crisis / turned head situation.

he was protecting me by not telling me

This is the problematic bit. He's admitting he's been lying to you - and on top of that, he's saying it's YOUR fault he's been doing so. I'd end the relationship for that.

OP did you speak with your dh ?

I think that’s the loosest argument I’ve ever seen on here 😂

I'll start by saying that YANBU to be annoyed with your partner. He shouldn't have lied. That was stupid of him, though one can see why he wouldn't have wanted to talk about it, given your history. However, you'd be unreasonable to pre-emptively end a relationship for this reason alone, imo. I'd imagine that people at your partner's workplace started calling this woman his "work wife", and rather than cause awkwardness by demanding that they not use that term, he just went along with it. Either that or he was only humouring you when he told you he disliked the term. Again, I'd be hurt that he lied, and I also dislike the whole "work wife" thing. It's not funny to me. But I still wouldn't end an otherwise good relationship over something that is probably nothing.

Your partner needs to apologise and understand why the lie was unacceptable. I'd say you should meet this woman. See the two of them together to allay your fears.

The thing is OP’s partner hasn’t called this lady his work wife, a colleague has. That’s not his fault or responsibility.
While we all have sensitivities you cannot bring this stuff into another relationship. Go and get therapy. Deal with it.
This man hasn’t done anything wrong expect not want to tell his partner he works alongside an older female colleague. His work is his work. End of.
If it were the other way round we would be telling a woman her partner was controlling.

How are things going now, @NicoleJ9?