DP’s ‘work wife’ will end my relationship

[NicoleJ9]

I need to start this by explaining that my previous relationship ended because my ex had a ‘work wife’ which developed into more than a friendship between colleagues. She was quite a bit older than him (50 compared to him being early 30’s) and he said he fell for her. Overnight work trips were actually them spending nights together in hotels. He disappeared on the morning of my birthday saying he could only get a half day from work when he was actually at her house. This was denied for a long time until I caught him out and he confessed. It broke me and it took years to build up to dating again.

I’ve been with current DP for just over a year. He is brilliant and knows all about what happened in the past and how hurt I was. He’s always said that he finds ‘work wife/husband’ to be an insulting term to real life partners and would not put himself in that position (he does have a corporate office job).

DP and I were out at the weekend and saw one of his colleagues out who came over and had a chat. He was perfectly polite and they were having a laugh about work. His colleague said ‘I saw X out earlier’ and turned to me and said ‘have you met her yet, that’s his work wife. Don’t worry, she’s old enough to be his Mum’. I laughed and said no and my DP looked incredibly sheepish and moved the conversation on.

DP admitted when his colleague had left that this was true but it means nothing and he was protecting me by not telling me. I went home immediately and told him I need space. We’ve not spoken properly since and I am still devastated.

I feel as though I must end the relationship. I don’t have anyone in real life I’m comfortable in confiding in at the moment, do you think I’m being over the top?

That's true that he propably said it cause he liked her. It's also true that he prooabky isn't cheating. But it doesn't mean that once you are together you can just forget what was agreed. I'm not saying op should leave him necessarily. But I feel it is unfair to say she is overreacting when they've had a conversation of this specific topic.

I think you're being slightly ridiculous. No wonder he didn't tell you because he knew how you'd react.

If he wanted an affair he'd have one. He is allowed to get on with colleagues of both sexes.

I usually lean towards YABU in situations like this but you made your stance very clear about 'work wives' and he has clearly kept it from you because he knows how you feel about it.

I'd be wanting to end things mainly because he lied to you about it. It wouldn't make me feel very trusting of him, especially with your history.

@NicoleJ9

Here's how I see it. This is a repetition of your marriage and naturally has touched a nerve in you. It's up to you to decide whether or not DP is worth it. You aren't married, you aren't living together. Saying "Yeah, I'm done" will be relatively easy as far as the 'practicalities' go. But a decision does need to be made sooner rather than later.

You can choose to work your vulnerability to this type of situation through in your mind on your own or with help to see if you can get past it and trust him and continue the relationship. Or you can give it some thought and then decide "Nope, not worth the anxiety due to the possibility of history repeating itself" and let him go. Neither decision on its face is right or wrong. It's what's right or wrong for you that matters.

Here's the other thing: The fact that he hid it from you 'for your own good' is a huge red flag. Not just for this issue, but for the relationship in general. It's always 'code' for "Oh shit, I don't want XX to know this because it's going to cause ME problems". They aren't hiding it for 'your own good' they're hiding it for their own good!

Someone you work with closely all the time due to the nature of both of your jobs.

How does one "have a work wife"? Is there an official ceremony one goes through? Or is it just a thing some idiot starts saying about you at a point of their own choosing?

No that isn't what work wife or work husband means, what you are describing is a normal colleague.

It means whatever the person who said it meant. That's what I thought it meant. It's not such a commonly used term it has a precise meaning, and even if it had, people use real words wrongly, let along silly made-up jokey ones.

If other than this everything is good then talk to him and listen. See what he says. If you still want to walk then walk.

An ex colleague of mine used to refer to me as his work wife, we weren’t close, we didn’t even work together often. We worked shifts and he was on the opposite shift, occasionally one of us would do overtime on the opposite shift. FWIW I was senior to him. He just started calling me ‘wifey’, no idea why or when it started. He stopped after I told him (first informally and then formally) that I was uncomfortable with it and that he wouldn’t have a chance. I also threatened (informally) to tell his wife and my husband. In my situation I was horrified and it wasn’t anything more than a twat of a colleague. I hadn’t encouraged it in any way. I understand that you have been hurt but I do wonder if he might be innocent in this as I was.

I don’t understand what DP has done wrong. He hadn’t told OP about this lady because he knew he’d get this reaction - she’s punishing him for something her ex did, not him.
It is really corrosive bringing these issues into the next relationship. If this DP is a decent man he’s been treated appallingly here. If I were him I would take my leave.

Ugh sorry I lost your quote @AthWat

It's very commonly used in offices I've worked in, it's usually used to denote a very close, supportive, friendship that has been noticably different to the normal colleague interactions. Doesn't mean they are having an affair, but demonstably close as to be viewed as like a married couple.

Cambridge dictionary has a good definition.

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/work-spouse

He outright lied.

Even though they aren't doing anything wrong he was caught up in a lie.

Yanbu my partner had a saying don't fuck the help. The corporate world is prolific for cheating wife's and husbands because they are away a lot. With people like that they slowly push them out of the company.

YANBU. It’s not an issue that he has a female colleague, or even that he’s friends with her. It’s that he clearly has a “work wife” ( as described by his own colleagues!) and decided not to disclose this to you, not for your benefit, but to prevent having to answer any questions about her and make things awkward for him. It’s the lie that’s the issue, the concealing of information that he bloody well KNEW you’d want to know. That’s the issue here. Regardless of whether or not she’s a “threat”, his deceit has understandably shaken your trust. Because if there was really nothing going on then… why lie??

Why lie? Because the OP probably couldn’t deal with it rationally. Which she’s shown here.

His colleague called her his "work wife". If you like your job in the corporate world you don't get that close.

When the colleague said partner had a work wife, partner said it was true. Therefore acknowledging it himself. I mean, He's also had the option to correct the colleague saying that him and Jane are just colleagues. and again I'm not saying he's cheating or that op should leave him. I'm just a bit confused on why it is not OK for op to be upset.

And if you know someone has a specific trust issue after a traumatic betrayal -that they fully disclose- and you’re a decent partner, you allay any fears as necessary because you know they’ve been badly hurt, don’t trust easily, and need transparency to build confidence. It’s hard to convey just how utterly crushing a complete betrayal of trust is to someone who hasn’t experienced that rug being absolutely pulled out from under you. Hiding stuff just triggers that terrifying suspicion, that dread of being utterly fucked over again in the same way. It’s obviously inconvenient baggage that you both have to deal with, and sure it may not be rational, but if you love and respect someone then you support them by being open. Unless of course, you have something to hide.

This again seems a massive overreaction. Obviously if it made you uncomfortable he needed to stop but you 'threatened to tell his wife and your husband'? Tell them what?! That he called you wifey? Jeezo. And saying he wouldn't have a chance 😂Someone thinks a lot of themself.

I can see why you’re upset. He should have just explained he’s not comfortable with the term. Or made a joke and said, “Actually I’m gay at work. Phil is my work husband.” Or something. Anything other than just let it go when it’s so clearly upsetting for you.

I dont think that's what "don't fuck the help" means. It's a revolting phrase, reminiscent of Lord of the manor not knocking up the servants. In modern day version, don't screw the babysitter. Delightful

So, dh's got a very close relationship with a woman at work, so much so, that colleagues think of them as a couple of sorts. DH hid that from his wife. OP finds that upsetting. Go figure.

Thank you.

Yabu but understandably so. Your oh should have told him not to call her that. It’s a ridiculous thing to call a work colleague anyway. You need to talk it through with him.
Although your ex went of with an older woman, it would be rare I imagine. It’s unlikely there’s any vibe between them or the colleague would not have mentioned it or said not to worry as she was older. Meeting the colleague too might help.

It’s understandable that you’d be triggered but really don’t throw the relationship away. He’s not your ex.