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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was not appropriate for MIL to say in front of DD

202 replies

Candleabra183 · 17/04/2025 18:00

My Dad died last week. Went to visit MIL with DD (15) and DH today. MIL asked how we all were and before I had chance to finish my sentence she started to talk about the loss of her own Dad. Lots have people have done this over the past week, it does seem to trigger people to talk about their own experiences (something I’ll try very hard not to do in the future as I’ve found it quite difficult to listen to other people’s bereavement stories, it’s quite exhausting to give them the appropriate response/empathy etc when you’re going through it yourself). Anyway, that’s not what my AIBU is about.

She then said that after her Dad died, she lost a baby so it was a particularly difficult time. This has never been spoken about in front of DD before. I’ve been aware that she had a miscarriage.

I was just stunned that she thought there and then was the time to mention it. DD is trying to come to terms with the loss of her grandad and now we’re having to explain miscarriages etc to her. Seems incredibly insensitive. I’m just venting here, I’d never say anything to DH or MIL, just wondering if I’m the one being over sensitive given the timing or if others agree with my thoughts.

OP posts:
CultureAlienationBoredomandDespair · 17/04/2025 18:02

Kindly I think YABU, I’d expect a 15 year old to be well aware of miscarriages and not have a particularly emotional response to one long ago of her grandmother’s.

Maitri108 · 17/04/2025 18:02

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

I think explaining miscarriage is fine for a 15 year old.

WinterMorn · 17/04/2025 18:03

Sorry for your loss OP, but I would be surprised if a 15 year old didn’t know what a miscarriage was?

JillAndJenTheFlowerpotMen · 17/04/2025 18:03

I’m sorry for your loss OP. I think your grief may be making you see this in a different way to how others might see it.

Your dd is 15. Miscarriages are something she needs to understand. I don’t think your MIL was being horrible or insensitive - I think she is recalling a difficult time in her life that she holds with grief, too.

AmusedGoose · 17/04/2025 18:05

Nothing to say really. It sounds like you won't be happy whatever anyone says.

OoooopsUpsideYourHead · 17/04/2025 18:05

I'm sorry for your loss, but I doubt a 15 year old would need miscarriages explained to her?

whosaysthat · 17/04/2025 18:06

I would hope a 15 year old already knew what a miscarriage was, YWBU to not have explained that sort of thing.
It maybe wasn’t the greatest timing but not an inappropriate thing to say at all.

Original poster
Candleabra183 · 17/04/2025 18:06

DD knows what a miscarriage is. She didn’t know that MIL has had one. It’s just another heavy conversation and something else for her to think about when she’s already going through so much.

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 17/04/2025 18:07

I think the loss of a parent is so significant other people's grief brings it all back.

I'm sorry for your loss @Candleabra183, I know how hard this is for you.

DUsername · 17/04/2025 18:07

I don't think it was inappropriate to speak about the miscarriage in front of your dd, no.

I'm sorry for your loss though, I can see how people talking about their own bereavements isn't particularly helpful.

heroinechic · 17/04/2025 18:09

Sorry for your loss. It was self centred of MIL to relate it back to herself, I think people do this in an attempt to offer support.

I think 15 is age appropriate to learn about/discuss miscarriage. It really isn’t spoken about enough. Lots of women don't have any idea how common they are until they experience it themselves.

TeenageRooster · 17/04/2025 18:09

If your DD is unfortunate enough to have a miscarriage herself at some point, it may be some small reassurance to know that other members of her family have experienced this too and can empathise. I would imagine she can also understand your MIL 's point of view. I find most 15 year old girls are actually pretty empathetic and can support others even when they have their own troubles.

Rainingalldayonmyhead · 17/04/2025 18:09

Candleabra183 · 17/04/2025 18:06

DD knows what a miscarriage is. She didn’t know that MIL has had one. It’s just another heavy conversation and something else for her to think about when she’s already going through so much.

Not necessarily true OP. I have had more than one and it isn’t a heavy conversation for me nor was it devastating. Not everyone feels the same about miscarriage and considering it wasn’t your DD’s she may not feel it’s heavy. She doesn’t need to think about it.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 17/04/2025 18:10

Try the phrase "May I just have five minutes to talk about my grief before you tell me about yours?"

BuffetTheDietSlayer · 17/04/2025 18:11

Candleabra183 · 17/04/2025 18:06

DD knows what a miscarriage is. She didn’t know that MIL has had one. It’s just another heavy conversation and something else for her to think about when she’s already going through so much.

What does she need to think about? Her grandmother had a miscarriage long ago. That’s all. It’s no big deal.

Beamur · 17/04/2025 18:12

It wasn't appropriate for your MIL to over share at that precise point. Your loss was not about her.

whosaysthat · 17/04/2025 18:12

I’m not sure what else you were having to explain if she already knew what a miscarriage was?

MiL had a miscarriage probably a long time ago, there’s nothing more for your dd to do or think about it and I’m sure MiL wasn’t expecting her to do anything.

Pallisers · 17/04/2025 18:12

your mil sounds like the baby at every christening, the bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral.

She was talking about her own intimate moments instead of checking in with you about the loss of your dad and your dd about the loss of her grandad.

she's just self-centered.

BelfastBard · 17/04/2025 18:12

Surely at 15 your daughter knows what a miscarriage is?

BelfastBard · 17/04/2025 18:13

Candleabra183 · 17/04/2025 18:06

DD knows what a miscarriage is. She didn’t know that MIL has had one. It’s just another heavy conversation and something else for her to think about when she’s already going through so much.

I’m not sure her grandmother having a miscarriage decades ago actually impacts her in any way though?

TheHerboriste · 17/04/2025 18:13

CultureAlienationBoredomandDespair · 17/04/2025 18:02

Kindly I think YABU, I’d expect a 15 year old to be well aware of miscarriages and not have a particularly emotional response to one long ago of her grandmother’s.

Yeah, this. Miscarriage is very common; surely your daughter understands that.

Condolences on your loss.

Original poster
Candleabra183 · 17/04/2025 18:14

Rainingalldayonmyhead · 17/04/2025 18:09

Not necessarily true OP. I have had more than one and it isn’t a heavy conversation for me nor was it devastating. Not everyone feels the same about miscarriage and considering it wasn’t your DD’s she may not feel it’s heavy. She doesn’t need to think about it.

Show quote history

But it was a heavy conversation, it was heavy for me and DH and DD. It was DH’s sibling that was lost, I’ve got no issue at all with MIL talking about it but less than 7 days after telling DD that her Grandads died, we’ve now had to explain this. I’m exhausted!!!

OP posts:
thisoldcity · 17/04/2025 18:14

It's annoying because she is making it all about herself and not being sensitive to how you and dd are. I remember this well when my father died - some people just go on and on about their own grief, how they felt, plus every other horrible thing that's ever happened to them. I think you are totally reasonable to expect some proper sympathy from your MIL at this really difficult time.

nessiesnotreal · 17/04/2025 18:15

Sorry for your loss.

Kindly, I think you are overreacting and its probably because you just feel a bit vulnerable and sensitive right now. Your DD is unlikely to be affected by knowing that her Grandmother had a miscarriage a gazillion years ago. In fact she has probably given it no more thought and certainly not as much as you clearly have. And although you may feel it was insensitive, your MIL sharing her story was probably a way for her to try and connect with you in that moment and to say, in a roundabout way, that she understands how you are feeling right now.

Superscientist · 17/04/2025 18:16

I'm sorry for your loss and your mil brought up her bereavement but I don't think mentioning the miscarriages is particularly wrong

My miscarriages were made easier knowing my sisters, mother and grandmother had had them previously. They haven't been something that were talked about frequently but if it was relevant to the conversation it was included.