To think this was not appropriate for MIL to say in front of DD

[Candleabra183]

My Dad died last week. Went to visit MIL with DD (15) and DH today. MIL asked how we all were and before I had chance to finish my sentence she started to talk about the loss of her own Dad. Lots have people have done this over the past week, it does seem to trigger people to talk about their own experiences (something I’ll try very hard not to do in the future as I’ve found it quite difficult to listen to other people’s bereavement stories, it’s quite exhausting to give them the appropriate response/empathy etc when you’re going through it yourself). Anyway, that’s not what my AIBU is about.

She then said that after her Dad died, she lost a baby so it was a particularly difficult time. This has never been spoken about in front of DD before. I’ve been aware that she had a miscarriage.

I was just stunned that she thought there and then was the time to mention it. DD is trying to come to terms with the loss of her grandad and now we’re having to explain miscarriages etc to her. Seems incredibly insensitive. I’m just venting here, I’d never say anything to DH or MIL, just wondering if I’m the one being over sensitive given the timing or if others agree with my thoughts.

It sounds like MIL was a bit self centred, and also potentially a bit “I had it harder than you” by bringing up that not only did she lose her dad, she also lost a baby. And she’s forcing other people to react to that which isn’t necessary at this moment.

But I don’t think the fact your DD was there is a particular problem on top of that. I don’t think a grandmother having had a miscarriage decades ago is something someone really needs to deal with themselves. If I found that out about one of my grandmas I wouldn’t be personally emotionally affected I don’t think (and I have had miscarriages myself).

I think possibly you may have shielded your daughter a bit too much?
At 15 I would have of course felt sorry for my grandmother but other than that I don't think I'd have batted an eye.

What had your daughters reaction been? I bet she hasn't given it a second thought unless you've mentioned it again to her

If I’ve said it’s impacted her then it’s impacted her. How can a complete stranger on the internet know otherwise.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing for your DD to know your MiL had an mc. These things shouldn’t be hidden.

I would just roll my eyes at this. She must be a very self centred woman, talk about making it all about her. I wouldn’t mention anything to her but I’d say to my DH ‘Typical of your Mother to turn MY FATHER dying into her grief when her Dad died and when she lost a baby 40 years ago, poor DD didn’t know where to put herself. I mean fucking hell, ten minutes of sympathy for me wouldn’t go amiss’.

I don’t imagine your DD will be too traumatised by this, but yeah you’re right, what teenagers want to hear about their grannies miscarriages?

I think her timing is wrong but my kids have know from a very early age that I have lost babies . It’s nothing to be secretive about or ashamed of, as long as it’s done in a ln age appropriate way

I think yanbu at all, your mil is very inappropriate in making it about her by bringing up a situation from years ago at a time you're going through an awful lot yourself.

I’m sorry for your loss. But kindly, YABU. People often share their own experience in an attempt to empathise with people. I think she was attempting to demonstrate that she understood.

Oh come on. It's an uncle she never knew she had!
Sorry about your dad.

DH sibling died.... No they didn't. MIL had a miscarriage.

She is 15, she knows about miscarriage, she probably won’t be particularly upset by the news that MIL had one many years before.

I think it’s okay for 15 year olds to be included in more adult conversations, and too many people are uncomfortable talking about miscarriage, perhaps MiLs openness is a good thing.

Just another point of view, I'm ND and I bring up similar experiences to show I understand and have empathy/ sympathy and that I'm an ear for them should they need it as I've been through something similar. I actually saw your MIL bringing the miscarriage up because she's relating to you with the amount of stress losing a parent can have on a person? Just my thoughts, so sorry for your loss x

I don’t know why I thought AIBU was a good idea. Clearly I’m not in the right frame of mind!

Will leave it here. Thankyou to those who have replied kindly.

I'm.aorru for your loss. However, I don't agree that it's inappropriate for a family member to mention her miscarriage to a 15 year old, even a recently bereaved one. If you did really struggled to cope with the news of this miscarriage I would genuinely suggest she needs some additional support, as for her to be especially distressed by this is a very unusual reaction.

Does your daughter struggle to cope in general? I sincerely don't mean this nastily, but I think perhaps you just can't see that this isn't how most 15 year olds would react to this "news".

OP I'm very sorry for your loss and that you've been bombarded with other people's experiences when you are still reeling from your own. That's very hard.
MIL was extremely tactless but I doubt if your DD will be badly affected by hearing about the miscarriage. She will have a good idea of what it involves and know that some mothers and also fathers are deeply upset when it happens. In a way, it is important information for her, though badly timed.
I would think that for now DD is processing her grandfather's death and that will be her focus for quite a while.

As someone who has had multiple
miscarriages (which DD15 is well aware of) I’m not really sure I understand the problem, apologies if I’m being insensitive or unempathetic. I also dispute that your DH lost a sibling. DD hasn’t lost 7 siblings because I had 7 miscarriages.

I’m sorry about your dad 💐

I am not sure that is the point. This 15 yeare old has just lost her grandmother. She and her mother are grieving the loss. She does not need to hear someone else dredging up an old loss of their own, so it was possibly poor timing by the Mil.

Yeah I think it’s a very emotional time for you and it’s a lot. I think in perspective outside of your grief you may feel differently.

I personally don’t agree that a sibling was lost during a miscarriage but if the baby was still born that is different. Piling grief can sometimes feel needed when your are already heavily grieving.

Also while your daughter was presumably very close losing a parent and grandparent are different.

You clearly feel the way you do and I would kindly say that you aren’t in a place where a differing view interests you. Grieving a parent is difficult so maybe asking for opinions on here isn’t going to help.

I think people do this in an attempt to offer support. Having lost my Father when I was a teenager, I found it comforting to hear of others who had experienced similar. It enabled me to see I was not the only one who had to survive this as you can feel very isolated from your peers.
My teen DD's would only find benefit from life experiences - good and bad- that their grandmothers share with them. I suggest you are transferring your upset to your DD.Are you generally sensitive to your MIL's comments?

I completely understand that's how you might feel after a recent loss, but maybe this compulsion to share experiences of loss is more to do with society's inability to deal with grief. Too often it's brushed under the carpet and people are just expected to 'move on' or worse 'get over it'. Especially in OP's MIL'S time.

I do think it was inappropriate but it is your MILs story to tell as and when she feels to.

As adults we should have some awareness of what we say in front of young people.

Speak to your DD about it. See how she feels. Is she upset about it? Obviously she is upset about the passing of her DGF.

We do need to be able to speak to our children openly and we also need to teach them resilience. In life she will be confronted by all manner of situations.

Your MIL discussing her miscarriage should not overly upset your DD.

Nah, you just don’t like your MiL, I suspct.

Yes, I think probably best to leave this at this point. It's an exhausting and tense time of heightened emotions. From the outside it's an innocuous enough comment and a non sequitur to the loss of a father, but I can imagine everything feels magnified for you at the moment. All losses might feel the same right now.

Put it out of your mind and try to help your DD put some perspective around miscarriages and put it out of her mind too.

Sorry for your loss.

I'm very sorry about your loss. Losing a parent is very hard, as you've never known a time when they weren't around.

I think you are overreacting here though, and way overthinking this. There is no harm in your DD knowing that her grandmother had a miscarriage decades ago, way before DD was even a twinkle in your eye.

My mother had a miscarriage in-between the births of me and my sibling. I knew about it well before I was a teenager and wasn't traumatised. It wasn't a secret, nor was it a big deal beyond its immediate aftermath.

I doubt that it will have affected your DD. She won't suddenly start grieving dreadfully for the aunt or uncle she never met. No harm either in her realising just how common miscarriages are.

I think your MIL was trying (clumsily) to show empathy but took it a bit too far. It's not a heinous crime.