To think this was not appropriate for MIL to say in front of DD

[Candleabra183]

My Dad died last week. Went to visit MIL with DD (15) and DH today. MIL asked how we all were and before I had chance to finish my sentence she started to talk about the loss of her own Dad. Lots have people have done this over the past week, it does seem to trigger people to talk about their own experiences (something I’ll try very hard not to do in the future as I’ve found it quite difficult to listen to other people’s bereavement stories, it’s quite exhausting to give them the appropriate response/empathy etc when you’re going through it yourself). Anyway, that’s not what my AIBU is about.

She then said that after her Dad died, she lost a baby so it was a particularly difficult time. This has never been spoken about in front of DD before. I’ve been aware that she had a miscarriage.

I was just stunned that she thought there and then was the time to mention it. DD is trying to come to terms with the loss of her grandad and now we’re having to explain miscarriages etc to her. Seems incredibly insensitive. I’m just venting here, I’d never say anything to DH or MIL, just wondering if I’m the one being over sensitive given the timing or if others agree with my thoughts.

Sorry for your loss. I don’t think being angry at your MiL is going to help your DD, though. She’s old enough to realise that people don’t necessarily say the right things to people who are bereaved, because yes, it does bring back memories of the times they were bereaved.

In the nicest way possible, I think you’re projecting.

What is there to ‘explain’? Your DD is 15, not 5. There’s nothing to explain. Her grandmother had a miscarriage many years ago, which was sad. That’s it. This doesn’t sound like a difficult conversation for a 15 year old at all.

Also, when people talk about their own losses when you tell them someone has died, they’re not making it all about them. They’re sharing their experience to try and explain that they know how you feel because they’ve been through it too, and trying to make you feel less alone.

I realise you’re having a difficult time at the moment, but I think you’re just looking for someone to lash out at and you’ve picked your MIL.

Yes, I knew about my mum's miscarriages from about the age of 10. She was always very open with me and brothers about miscarriage - I don't consider that I lost any siblings (you can't really, when at the very very start of pregnancy - three weeks - 40% end in miscarriage. It's so common, pretty much everyone will have lost a sibling if you count a miscarriage as that...)

I see where you’re coming from OP.
I think people feel the need to relate to your pain. I always make a point of just listening in these situations, it almost feels a bit ‘one upping’

sorry for your loss

I think if it’s “impacted” your 15 year old daughter, you perhaps should be channelling your concern in to this rather than your MIL

I’m guessing you and your MIL don’t generally get on Op

how does your dd get on with you mil?

I really doubt if she will spend a lot of time thinking about a miscarriage her grandmother had 30/40 years ago

Condolences on your loss but I think you are overthinking due to grief/ stress/ lack of sleep

What do you need to explain? A 15 year old should already know

Those saying a 15 year old should know and understand about miscarriages..
It isn’t taught, sex ed in schools is the physical side plus contraception. There is very little if any information about the loss of a pregnancy, more drumming it into them how easy it is to get pregnant!
Unless the topic has previously come up within Dads family or friends, it’s probably quite an unexplored one for her age. So yes, I would say inappropriate, because she will likely be quite ignorant about what it is exactly.
The curriculum needs to do more to talk about these sorts of things within schools for sure.

Edited - sorry, should’ve said ‘DD’s family or friends’. Mumsnet autocorrect is shite!

Has she actually said it’s impacted her though? To be perfectly honest I don’t think at 15 (or even now) I’d have any particularly strong feelings upon finding out my grandmother had a miscarriage

Clearly this is an OP who has a somewhat… fraught, relationship with her MiL and is just actively looking for something to take the hump about

Sorry for your loss 💐
I voted YANBU purely because I've been in your shoes. And i was raging. Partly through grief, partly due to my MILs selfishness. MIL used the death of my darling mum to cry and literally wail over the death of her own mum. The difference being my mum was cruelly and painfully taken way too young in her mid 60s. MILs mother lived a long, long life (92) and died peacefully in her sleep. When my DH should have been comforting me, THE DAY SHE DIED, he was fielding calls from MIL and then SIL when he stopped answering to his mum.
The miscarriage is sad, but a 15 year old surely knows what it is?

It's perfectly normal for people to use new deaths as a way to process their own grief.

Firstly, I’m very sorry that your Dad has died. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in that your MIL made your grief about herself, and even tried to “trump” your grief by mentioning the miscarriage. I experienced the deaths of my husband and two close relatives who were young and was shocked at the number of people who used my awful news as an opportunity to talk about their own loss. People are weird.

I'm afraid that is what people do, bereavements trigger memories of their bereavements. In a way it is showing they understand how you feel but they expect you to understand how they felt. For some people it' therapeutic, for others it is intrusive.

You can't win really.

Best to just be sympathetic and not bring yourself and your issues into it when you're with a bereaved person - but she has and it's done now.

Just put it behind you.

I am sorry about your dad.

I doubt this 15 year old has given it a moment’s thought since

Or maybe it is a grieving daughter who didn't expect to hear her mil wail about the loss of her own dad and a miscarriage years and years ago. Maybe she thought that her mil might do like most decent people would and support her and her daughter who lost her granddad. Maybe she isn't "taking the hump" but is genuinely upset at her mil's lack of sensitivity and inability to talk about anything but herself.

Yes-in their own head maybe, not to hijack a person’s raw grief by referring to oneself.

87% (at the time of posting this) think YABU. Maybe you should stop flouncing and put your MIL first 🙄

Maybe she saw how hard this conversation was for you and her dad? At 15 I don't think you're too young to hear this, it's ancient history as far as she's concerned. I think you might be projecting your feelings on her.

So what have you “been trying to explain” to her? (You won’t be back to answer though)

So what have you “been trying to explain” to her? (You won’t be back to answer though)
This, do you feel that there is shame or embarrassment in having a miscarriage? That it should be hushed up and not talked about?

Sorry about your dad.

People do talk about their own losses to try and empathise.
I know about every missing body part known to friends, acquaintances and random strangers. That's because dd was born without her hand.
It doesn't help at all the stories. Never did, still doesn't. Especially when they say in tones of surprise "and he/she/they could do everything".
It used to annoy me. I wanted to say "this is my dd, my dd, a real person, not a patronising lesson for others." 20 years later, I smile and nod and understand they're blethering because they don't know what else to say. Yes, I know about the one handed pianist. Yes, I have been told six times today about the article on the BBC about the new prosthetic development. Yes I have heard of the lego arms/ 3-D printed arms (and actually they're rubbish, no one really uses them). Yes isn't it lovely that a company printed 30 for free and will never be worn after the publicity video
I stay pretty calm when told these things - and you almost certainly have said similar to a resigned but quietly irritated audience. So in the same way that they have let what you said wash over them; now let what your mil said wash over you. As the initial intense grief recedes you will realise that it was said from the best of intensions.

She is 15, not 7....