To think this was not appropriate for MIL to say in front of DD

[Candleabra183]

My Dad died last week. Went to visit MIL with DD (15) and DH today. MIL asked how we all were and before I had chance to finish my sentence she started to talk about the loss of her own Dad. Lots have people have done this over the past week, it does seem to trigger people to talk about their own experiences (something I’ll try very hard not to do in the future as I’ve found it quite difficult to listen to other people’s bereavement stories, it’s quite exhausting to give them the appropriate response/empathy etc when you’re going through it yourself). Anyway, that’s not what my AIBU is about.

She then said that after her Dad died, she lost a baby so it was a particularly difficult time. This has never been spoken about in front of DD before. I’ve been aware that she had a miscarriage.

I was just stunned that she thought there and then was the time to mention it. DD is trying to come to terms with the loss of her grandad and now we’re having to explain miscarriages etc to her. Seems incredibly insensitive. I’m just venting here, I’d never say anything to DH or MIL, just wondering if I’m the one being over sensitive given the timing or if others agree with my thoughts.

Your MIL is a selfish cow, but I would not expect a 15yo to be especially bothered by the death of a fetus 2 generations ago.

Miscarriage isn't some taboo topic, there is no reason why people should avoid discussing it. I honestly doubt the knowledge of someone having a miscarriage many years ago would have any significant impact on a 15 year old. I'm struggling to understand the reasons you think this was inappropriate.

I think people share stories of their own grief to show empathy, to be vulnerable, to bond.

How would a 15 year old not know what a miscarriage is? I know people who had miscarriages themselves as 15 year olds. I think YABU to think she wouldn't already know this - they get taught about reproduction and all that entails at school before they're 15

How could a relative having had a miscarriage two generations ago have impacted her in any real way? Unless you or someone else has made a big deal about it

I agree.

I'm afraid people do share their own bereavement experiences, often completely overriding your own. I found this out when my DH died. I do think sometimes they are trying to empathise with you though. Also, older people are more likely to ruminate on the past because they've generally experienced more heartache. As for the miscarriage conversation, I do tend to agree with others that your 15 year old daughter is hardly likely to be traumatised by something that happened maybe 40 odd years ago. If anything it is one of many learning curves in life that she'll encounter.

I don’t think a miscarriage is a particularly profound subject for someone who isn’t experiencing it themselves. I’m sorry to hear about your dad, emotions are heightened, but I think you are being a little over sensitive.

I'm sorry for your loss, today wasn't about MIL.

It happens when people share grief. I consciously don't do it. I concentrate on the current tragedy, unless asked.

My daughter is almost 15 and it would never occur to me to shield her from this. It's just a part life. It's sad but it happens frequently.
My DD has known about miscarriages for a long time. I'd be surprised if your DD doesn't already know about them.

Sorry for your loss @Candleabra183 . Yabu unreasonable though - a 15 yo should be able to cope with this conversation, or do they have pre-existing mh issues? You prob are experiencing heightened emotions though - especially if it’s your first major (ie parent/sibling) experience of grief. Take care.

OP I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable. I hate that people are so un self aware that they make other people’s grief about their own rather than being present for the recently bereaved.

same as people who want to tell you all about their birth experience when you’ve just bought your new baby home.

it’s bad manners at best -
and I would argue immature and emotionally incontinent…

Largely these people aren’t open to feedback. I would take a deep breath and let it go if you can. Save your energy for your own healing - I’m sorry for your loss x

‘Sibling’, not really. I’ve had 4 miscarriages and frankly if you start down that road, madness lies.

Sorry for your loss. However, you sound like one of those people who just have to have all attention on them. One thing is going on in their lives and heaven forbid anyone else drops in something to detract from it. I'm sure your 15yrs old DD's brain can cope with the death of her GF, as sad as it is, and the knowledge her GM once had a miscarriage. All the huffing and puffing over how to EXPLAIN this additional information is just your own drama.

Let's face it, you're annoyed MIL's news is taking away some of the sympathy you believe should be solely for you.

I understand you have had a loss - but she and probably the others you mention are probably trying to emphasise.

Your DD is 15 - I see nothing different about this than MIL mentioning her parents dying. There is nothing to explain.

So kindly YABU.

Does your MIL normally try and make everything about her or is this out of character?

You are in the very early stages of grief about your dad and I think it was an inappropriate conversation. If she is normally kind and empathetic, I would try and let this go.

But what is there to explain?

I'm wondering what needed explaining too.
Sorry OP but I think yabu as well...and perhaps a little precious.

What an absolutely horrible post. It's hardly MIL's news which implies that it was a recent loss as it happened many years ago and it was insensitive and attention seeking of her MIL to raise it.

I've no idea why you said that you were sorry for OP's loss when you obviously aren't at all.

FWIW I’m with you OP. Lots of people see it as bring supportive to share a parallel experience, when they really just need to shut up and nod sympathetically.

A 15 year old knows what miscarriage is, if she doesn't you have done her a disservice in reality of life and her bodies functions.

Your MIL child loss is hers to talk about as she wishes, you 'shielding' your near adult DD (who could legally have a kid herself in about a years time) does not allow you to silence her misfortune. Your DD will have no feelings towards it to deal with as it was long before she existed (same way she won't mourn say her great great great grandad being dead).

Why do you seem to think its some dirty secret?

It would be insensitive if you or your DD had just had a miscarriage and she made it about hers but otherwise no its not and a miscarriage and grandparent loss are not really alike.

As for the sharing dead parents stories right after finding out someone parent just died, I actually do agree it sucks and is so tone deaf to divert attention but like you said EVERYONE seems to do it. I'm usually a huge supporter of sharing similar life experiences as thats how conversation works and bonds form however RIGHT after a death (in the immediate aftermath) is not the time neither is it suitable if you are a stranger to the person (which happens a lot). These thing can wait until after things settle down, like at least let people bury their loved one first.

Sorry for you loss

I’m aware that my mother had 2 miscarriages, and I don’t consider it that I lost two siblings, tbh I think framing a miscarriage like that is unhelpful and overly dramatic.

Nasty. People sharing stories of grief isn’t selfish - only if you are profoundly narcissistic.

I’m sorry for your loss. But I do think you’re being over sensitive. A 15 year old should be able to cope with this unless there is something else going on. Yes it’s a lot, but she’s a young woman with family support and she will recover. Your MIL deserves sympathy for her loss too.

Yikes at some of these replies. I’ve suffered some devastating losses, including my own DF, and I do not think it was appropriate for your MIL to mention the miscarriage. I would have been pretty stunned in your position too. Also who is to say a 15 year old should fully understand what a miscarriage is? I’m sure she is aware that some babies die before they are born but not every teenager is completely across the ins and outs of this, particularly in relation to their own family.

I remember being pretty shocked when I found out my own DM had a miscarriage not long after me. I was about 12 when I found out and I remember being very shocked. She had mentioned it casually amongst friends (whilst I was there) and I was taken aback that this was new information I hadn’t been aware of. I’d have found it quite hard to deal with if I was also immediately dealing with the death of another family member.