To think this was not appropriate for MIL to say in front of DD

[Candleabra183]

My Dad died last week. Went to visit MIL with DD (15) and DH today. MIL asked how we all were and before I had chance to finish my sentence she started to talk about the loss of her own Dad. Lots have people have done this over the past week, it does seem to trigger people to talk about their own experiences (something I’ll try very hard not to do in the future as I’ve found it quite difficult to listen to other people’s bereavement stories, it’s quite exhausting to give them the appropriate response/empathy etc when you’re going through it yourself). Anyway, that’s not what my AIBU is about.

She then said that after her Dad died, she lost a baby so it was a particularly difficult time. This has never been spoken about in front of DD before. I’ve been aware that she had a miscarriage.

I was just stunned that she thought there and then was the time to mention it. DD is trying to come to terms with the loss of her grandad and now we’re having to explain miscarriages etc to her. Seems incredibly insensitive. I’m just venting here, I’d never say anything to DH or MIL, just wondering if I’m the one being over sensitive given the timing or if others agree with my thoughts.

I think I was about nine years old the first time I was told (by my mother) that someone we knew had had a miscarriage. I didn't understand, at that age, how upsetting it must be but I did understand that the family friend who'd had the miscarriage wouldn't be feeling well. IMO it's a mistake to shield children from things like this, which happen to many people.

Maybe OP's MIL should put OP first rather than using OP's very recent bereavement as an opportunity to talk about herself.

I wouldn't expect a 15 year old to need to be told what a miscarriage is, to be honest.

There's nothing wrong with the conversation being held in front of a 15 year old generally either.

YABU but it’s understandable with the huge grief you must be dealing with. Be kind to yourself.

try not to judge MIL too harshly, people often try to connect by discussing similar events, to show you you’re not alone in your experience.

miscarriage is a suitable subject for a 15 year old.

Christ on a bike a 15 year old should know about miscarriages and plenty more!
Wrapping children up in cotton wool to the point they end up young adults who are naive isn’t fair on them

You said you had to explain it to her in your first post. People DO talk about their experiences. They can only say they are sorry to hear about the death of a family member so many times - then the conversation moves on, and in this instance, they talked about their own experience.

I thought she was 5 till I read the post again! Ridiculous.

Nah not with you on this OP. Too many women stay silent about these things. Too many women end up with a load of grief and other complex emotions and it's seen as somehow shameful or embarrassing or uncouth to mention them. As for those suggesting it happened so long ago that it can't really be affecting her... not so. Some people feel the pain of this always. And fresh grief can of course bring up hidden grief from the past.
Women and girls need to have these conversations and listen to one another.

Same.

@Candleabra183 , your DD is 15 and well on her way to adulthood; a time of loss brings up other feelings of loss and your DD should be sufficiently mature to start learning this difficult life lesson. We can’t protect our children from the harsh realities of life and if we attempt to do so really we fail to prepare them for how tough life can be. You appear to be quite indifferent to the suffering of your poor MIL who has just lost her husband, I hope she has more sympathetic relatives and friends.

The OP's Dad has just died not her FIL, so MIL hasn't "just lost her husband"

Does mil often turn conversations to be all about her?

Can we please just keep in mind when replying that the OP has just lost her dad?! I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to come back to this thread. A bit of empathy wouldn’t go amiss from some people.

As it is the OP's dad who has just died and OP's MIL has not just lost her husband, I'm not surprised that OP was indifferent to the suffering of her poor MIL. MIL's bereavement was losing her dad many years ago.

I do think you're projecting your own feelings onto your daughter, OP. It's understandable as you're in the midst of grief and you're a mother so you understand how painful miscarriages can be. However, I don't think it's a particularly difficult or upsetting thing for your daughter to hear that her grandma had a miscarriage decades ago.
I remember when I was 15, a close family friend miscarried both her twins quite late in pregnancy (still births, I suppose I should say). I remember thinking "Oh that's sad but she won't be grieving because she never knew them. It's not like losing a ten year old child." Obviously I had no idea at that age. I had a miscarriage in my 20s and it was incredibly painful but I just couldn't empathise aged 15. Understanding comes later, with life experience.

@thepariscrimefiles , oh misread. Sorry OP.

So what explaining was necessary?!

Why would you ask for other people’s opinions when you don’t want them unless they are the same as your own? 🤷‍♀️

Really sorry for your loss, I hope you are doing as well as can be. Grief totally opens up these conversations and I don't think it's a bad thing, provided no one is hogging the conversation (i.e. grief bombing other people). Your daughter will be an adult in three years, I don't think the mention of miscarriage is an issue, it's more that you think MIL should rein it in a bit because she's taking the topic and making it more about her past grief? Some people can't stop themselves, it's like an ocean, but we don't all have to swim in it.

The best you can do it to tell your daughter that if it's too much to hear this from MIL that she is well within her rights to end the conversation and take herself away. Can I ask an honest - and hopefully not brutal, because I am not remotely trying to be brutal - question? Is it more that you are dealing with some horrible grief (my dad is my hero, I will be on the floor when he goes, I know I will) and your MIL is not really respecting your space to grieve because she's inserting her own remembrances into your grief via your daughter? Do you need more support from people to let you grieve in your own way and in your own right, without others muddying the water? If I am totally off base then I apologise.

Kindly, it's only a heavy subject if you make it so. I have always led a reasonably sheltered life by the standards of my peers, and yet matters such as teenage pregnancy, divorce, affairs, death, life-changing illnesses and accidents, abortion, adoption, and certainly miscarriage were matters I was quite aware of long before I left junior school.

The reason for this was the bulk of what I have listed happened to people I knew or knew of, whether this be neighbours, friends, family, people from church, etc, it was all out there.

I remember being quite taken aback when I was seven years old and it was announced by a girl in my class that a teacher had died. The teacher had gone on maternity leave and we all knew women had babies, however, during this time it was discovered she had a brain tumor. I remember my mum mentioning quite casually -albeit sensitively- that said teacher had gone blind (I'm not sure if this was before or after she gave birth) and I was quite au-fait with this as we knew several blind people so I knew people sometimes lost their sight. Then she died.

I struggled with this, not because she was a favourite teacher of mine (she wasn't, she'd been utterly vile to me and others when I was in her class aged 5) and not because she was still very young, but because she was a teacher and I'd never heard of a teacher dying before. Although I didn't know at that point what the word "absurd" meant, it very much sums up how I felt about being told a teacher had died.

It wasn't helped by the headteacher who officially announced her death in that morning's assembly, as she chose to say "Mrs X has passed away". I'd never heard that term before, and even though this was over 40 years ago, I can still remember sitting there crossed legged and wanting to shout out "WELL IS SHE DEAD OR NOT!?!".

However, on reflection, I realise now that some exposure to real life at a young age isn't a bad thing, because by the time we hit secondary school most of us took so much in our stride. Maybe the fifteen year olds of today are not so robust - I wouldn't know.

I understand that, but she shouldn’t have asked the question on mumsnet if she is so certain thst she is right and is so defensive when people gently offer a different view.

Im sorry for your loss, OP. When grieving, it’s sometimes easier to feel anger or resentment towards others than to let ourselves feel the pain of the loss. Perhaps a bit of alone time might help? Away from others so that you can avoid any well meaning but unhelpful conversations and allow yourself to process the loss of your dad.

I'm with you OP, I don't think this was a helpful or appropriate conversation to have at the moment. Although maybe it impacted you more than your DD (you feeling protective towards her). I wonder if some posters are assuming you are being precious about her, rather than your point (I assume) it just isn't the right time or place to have such a raw concersation while you are all grieving. It also smacks of "me, me, me". Is she generally a bit narcissistic? Maybe she was attempting to be empathetic? Which I assume the other people who have done the same were trying to do?

Anyway, condolences at this difficult time

Well, I imagine everything is very heightened at the moment. I haven’t seen her be rude or unkind to anyone though, unlike some of the replies which have definitely not been gentle!

Totally inappropriate.
She is attempting to make the death of your DD grandfather, about her - Her grief.
It's incredibly self absorbed and missing the point that this is likely to be the first family death your DD is experiencing and grieving.
I would call her out, ask her why she thinks now is a good time to be confiding in a child about the death of her dad and her unborn baby.
She should be concerned of the welfare of her granddaughter, if there's anything she can do etc. Not allowing a child to shoulder someone else's heartache at a time she's understandably devastated.