To think this was not appropriate for MIL to say in front of DD

[Candleabra183]

My Dad died last week. Went to visit MIL with DD (15) and DH today. MIL asked how we all were and before I had chance to finish my sentence she started to talk about the loss of her own Dad. Lots have people have done this over the past week, it does seem to trigger people to talk about their own experiences (something I’ll try very hard not to do in the future as I’ve found it quite difficult to listen to other people’s bereavement stories, it’s quite exhausting to give them the appropriate response/empathy etc when you’re going through it yourself). Anyway, that’s not what my AIBU is about.

She then said that after her Dad died, she lost a baby so it was a particularly difficult time. This has never been spoken about in front of DD before. I’ve been aware that she had a miscarriage.

I was just stunned that she thought there and then was the time to mention it. DD is trying to come to terms with the loss of her grandad and now we’re having to explain miscarriages etc to her. Seems incredibly insensitive. I’m just venting here, I’d never say anything to DH or MIL, just wondering if I’m the one being over sensitive given the timing or if others agree with my thoughts.

I can fully empathise with that scenario - my mother dropped down dead in front of my father in 2023. I don't think he'd made any sense of it when six months later he fell in, went into hospital, and died within the fortnight.

To say I am still grieving is an understatement, particularly as my mother's affairs still hadn't been finalised by the time my dad died, and the work I had to do in the 12 months that followed seemed to know no end. It left very little time to grieve, what with working full time and having a life of my own in which I hadn't budgeted for sorting all this out.

But around of it all, the world keeps on going.There's a great many things I could have asked opinion on, but as the song goes "you don't interfere when you're scared of the things you might hear". Thus, if I think I may not like to hear opinions, I don't ask the question to begin with.

Your daughter won’t care about it. It’s ancient history for her. But in fact quite educational and gives her insight into the lives of others.

YABU. There is something wrong if a 15 year old doesnt know about miscarriages.

Realistically, how would it impact your DD or even your DH? You do seem to be overthinking this.

Understandably you're upset because she took the attention away from your loss and your feelings. Times like this cause people to reflect and speak about losses they've suffered too.

Sorry for your loss and I understand you are feeling protective over your daughter

I found out a child had been adopted when a death occurred in my family , it all just got blurted out

like you say , death triggers a lot in people and things are said which would otherwise not be said

lots of women experience a miscarriage and it’s a part of life
a 15 year old girl should not be led to believe that these things are secrets , it’s always best if they are out in the open and discussed , your mum is clearly grieving both these losses as she should have another adult child with her mow

is your DD upset by this revelation?

I think miscarriage needs to stop being a taboo. They are experienced by a great many women. Your mother's grief brought to the fore a former grief. She needs empathy, not criticism.

First of all op, I am sorry for the loss of your dad.

i think other people bringing up their own loss is a way, maybe clumsily, of saying they know how you feel. It’s a shock sometimes to think that older people miss their own dad, or sibling, or have experienced things we think of as personal, private, like miscarriage, are in fact, universal and human.

Then don't say or type anything.

This is called life.

How sad that someone very newly bereaved shouldn’t expect compassion in people’s responses even when they disagree. We can put forward a different perspective without kicking someone when they are down by accusing them of being self-centred, ‘precious’ and some of the other unkind remarks that have been made. That’s just me though 🤷🏻‍♀️

And life can be very difficult especially in the midst of grief

@Candleabra183 , I have no idea why so many are saying it was ok for your mil to bring up her miscarriage.
Yes of course young girls and boys need to know about it but this was not the time and place .

It sounds like she was trying to compete in grief stakes.
At a time like this you need empathy and someone that is willing to listen not someone that is trying to one up you.
I am sorry for your loss .
I think perhaps reposting this on the bereavement page may elicit more sympathetic responses.

This.

Agree.

Weather 15 year old DD should be able to deal with a conversation about miscarriages is besides the point. MIL should have at least let you finish your sentence before lurching into a self centred diatribe. Presumably she knew your father at least as an acquaintance. She could have said something like ‘we will all miss your dad and the way he liked to do x, y, z’ or it’s also ok to just admit that their is nothing that can be said to console someone when it comes to grief.

Loosing a parent is awful and it’s one of those things that is hard to fathom until it happens to us. Sorry you have had such rubbish support irl and some insensitive responses in here.

I think describing your DH as losing a sibling is way overblowing your MIL's miscarriage and rather offensive to those who have actually lost siblings.

Your DD's grandparent having a miscarriage many decades ago would only really impact your DD if you've described it to her as your DH "losing a sibling". The vast, vast, vast majority of teens wouldn't give it a second thought beyond "oh, that's a shame." There's absolutely no reason for them to be upset or affected by this discovery, it's so far removed.

Having said all of that, you're grieving and I'm so sorry that you've lost your dad. The grief of losing a parent can be overwhelming and cloud your judgement in the moment.

I found that others shared their stories with me when I lost my dad - it can seem thoughtless but it's a way of trying to bond, to show empathy. I think a lot depends on whether they're talking over you, and whether they're allowing you space to talk about your own loss too.

Stepping away from this thread is probably best for you right now. I think it's understandable to overreact when you're in the depths of grief, and I hope you and your family manage to get through this difficult time.

There is no comparison to losing a sibling, op.
🙄

Yes but would you have appreciated a bit of compassion in the immediate days and weeks after your loss? That is the issue here.

Im really shocked at what is essentially a massive pile on of someone who has recently experienced a terrible loss. It’s not helpful to try and ‘out grief’ someone which is what the op was about.

First reply nails it, in full.

MIL should have been sensitive to your loss and speak more time comforting you but speaking about miscarriages isn’t an inappropriate thing to speak about. My children knew about miscarriages from 3 or 4.

Agreed.

It’s not helpful to try and ‘out grief’ someone which is what the op was about

Well, that was the inference seemed to be, but as none of us were there and don't know the OP or their family, we can only be objective. Maybe the MIL was trying to "out-grief" the OP, maybe she was just being conversational. Who knows. All we know was the OP posted here asking if she was being "oversensitive" [sic] and people have suggested that she may well have been.

No one forces anyone to come online and ask these questions. Perhaps it would have been better if the OP had ended with "those who agree with me please post below" to discourage others from being objective.

I’m really sorry for your loss. Having experienced losing my dad, I must say I found the same - people who had also lost theirs, would share their story and I actually found this very helpful. I really felt that only those who had experienced loss themselves, could have any insight into how I felt and this was comforting. I expect your mil was trying to do the same.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I do think sometimes people feel they need to share their own stories about loss as a way of showing solidarity, but I think most the time it just comes across as insensitive, you just want to exist in your own grief and not have to sympathise with other people.

But people don't always know how to react and babble any old nonsense just for the sake of saying something, other peoples grief can be really tricky to navigate, so I would try and cut MIL some slack.

Try not to dwell on it too much

I’m so sorry for your loss.

as you said now that you’ve experienced this version of empathy, you’ll try not to do it yourself in future. Which means perhaps you did have this instinct before this happened. People do tend to try to empathise with loss and I’m sorry this wasn’t helpful for you at this time.

really not sure why a miscarriage is a big issue though. My kids have always known I lost two babies before I was lucky enough to have them. I don’t think it’s a secret or in any way something to hide from anyone - certainly not a 15 year old. Unless of course she has some sort of anxiety or additional needs around health issues and then of course her grandmother should be mindful of that.

I’m sorry for your loss. It sounds like some people haven’t been as sensitive as the might have been, which I imagine has amplified your reaction to further comments.

But I honestly think you are overreacting here. Your MIL’s miscarriage didn’t happen on Tuesday; if she’s old enough to have a 15 year old grandchild, I’m guessing it was 40 or 50 years ago. Your daughter is not going to be worrying that she has to put her own grief aside to help her grandmother.

You keep saying you need to “explain” this on top of everything else. But I don’t really understand what you need to explain. Explain why you hadn’t told her? I don’t see why you would have told her. And I think saying “It was DH’s sibling that was lost” is a little extreme. As distressing as the miscarriage must have been for your PILs, your parents losing a baby before full term is a very different thing to losing a sibling.

You have a lot to deal with at the moment. This conversation may have become a bigger issue than it needs to be in light of that. I hope you can avoid getting mired in this and allow yourself to grieve properly.

Wow, some of these replies!?! This poor woman just lost her Dad and you lot are telling her take a spoon of concrete and harden the fuck up?

Unbelievable! 😟