To think this was not appropriate for MIL to say in front of DD

[Candleabra183]

My Dad died last week. Went to visit MIL with DD (15) and DH today. MIL asked how we all were and before I had chance to finish my sentence she started to talk about the loss of her own Dad. Lots have people have done this over the past week, it does seem to trigger people to talk about their own experiences (something I’ll try very hard not to do in the future as I’ve found it quite difficult to listen to other people’s bereavement stories, it’s quite exhausting to give them the appropriate response/empathy etc when you’re going through it yourself). Anyway, that’s not what my AIBU is about.

She then said that after her Dad died, she lost a baby so it was a particularly difficult time. This has never been spoken about in front of DD before. I’ve been aware that she had a miscarriage.

I was just stunned that she thought there and then was the time to mention it. DD is trying to come to terms with the loss of her grandad and now we’re having to explain miscarriages etc to her. Seems incredibly insensitive. I’m just venting here, I’d never say anything to DH or MIL, just wondering if I’m the one being over sensitive given the timing or if others agree with my thoughts.

Hide this thread, if you are still reading OP. 💐

I’m really sorry for your loss. I have experienced this recently and can say that for me it helped when people shared their grief, so unfortunately there isn’t a ‘right’ thing to say. It’s all wrong when you’re in that much pain. It does stop hurting quite as much as it does now xxxxx

Grief can make us extra sensitive, OP. Honestly, I'd try to chalk it up to that and let it go.

DMum is grieving herself and probably not thinking as clearly as she normally would and DD is 15, which means legally she could be a mother herself in a year. I'm sure she knows about the birds and the bees and that pregnancies do not all make it to full term.

Sorry for your loss.x.

Sorry for your loss. However DD is 15, not 5. I don't think it was inappropriate for her to hear.

Another drama lama! Nothing horrible about it, just the truth. MIL has done nothing wrong here, but this is MN, where MILs can never do anything right.

‘The curriculum’ should do more? How about the parent(s) do more.

You are calling a woman who just lost her dad a drama lama?? Because she didn't actually want to hear her mil lamenting about her loss of her dad years before and her miscarriage years before when she and her daughter were in the immediate stages of grief for their dad and grandad?

I suspect there are a lot of posters on this thread who say to someone who had a bereavement "oh I know just how you feel. I was devastated when my mum died 20 years ago. Couldn't get out of bed for days and then I lost my job. It was an awful time. I'm still not over it to be honest"

You know what? no one wants to hear that when they have a recent bereavement. What they want to hear is "I'm so sorry for what you are going through do you want to tell me about your dad/grandad"

If you're going to use a lazy and unkind cliché like drama llama to describe a grieving woman who lost her dad a week ago, at least try and spell it correctly.

Why MIL deserves all the compassion for the loss of her dad decades ago while OP deserves none is baffling, but some posters, including yourself, love nothing better than being cruel to the OP, even one who has been recently bereaved.

The op started her thread about being pissed off her mil had mentioned her miscarriage to her 15 year old teen and that the consequence had been her DH having to have very intense conversations explaining this to his DD about his “sibling” and the DD was very disturbed by it.

nothing about the OP’s grief, hence posters answering the actual question the op raises in her thread

You’re really overreacting but you’re grieving so it’s understandable.

With kindness, your daughter is 15 not 5. Your mother in law was thinking of her as ' one of the women' and felt comfortable talking in front of her.
I also think you mil was trying to empathise and connect with you.

When my dad died, my inlaws just didn't talk about it at all, didn't mention him, didn't ask how o was or anything. I know it's because they felt awkward. I'd have much preferred an honest blurt.

I am sorry your father has died.
I do not think your MIL was out if order in any way..

@thepariscrimefiles Even with perfect spelling, drama is still drama.
No one has said MIL deserves all the compassion and OP none. Everybody has passed on commiserations to OP and acknowledged her loss but keep making up your own drama story to convince yourself that MIL & all the posters telling OP she is overthinking this are evil.

That's just silly though. Teenagers watch TV and films and read books , they know an awful lot more about sex and pregnancy and life than they learn in school.

I said you are not being unreasonable, not because 15 year olds don't know what a miscarriage is, but the MIL bringing it up was unnecessary. When you are trying to come to terms with the loss of a loved one, having someone else piling sad anecdotes of their past on top of it is really not needed or wanted. There are far better ways to console and support someone with grief.

APPLAUSE

Blooming heck YABU most definitely. Your poor MIL and you are putting your DD’s thoughts and feelings above MIL’s and her loss.

At 15 unless she has learning difficulties she could either stay at home or cope. MIL’s world has just been turned upside down and inside out and you are expecting her to tip toe around your 15 year old DD.

Yes they do watch Tv. However, learning about something from books or film doesn’t actually give very good, informative views and information a lot of the time.
A large chunk of young teens will definitely see miscarriage as something that happens fairly rarely. To learn that a close relative has been through it could be quite a shock to them, and rightly so. I’m not saying they are completely ignorant, but this sort of topic is very definitely not learnt about enough in school! So it could hit hard I would think. Depending on the individual obviously.

My mum talked about miscarriages, death, childbirth, all sorts of things. And I’m glad she did because it’s all normal.

Whats with the obsession about learning things in school? What they learn from TV/media/fiction generally far more impactful than a boring science lesson they're not even paying attention to. Fiction does generally give good informative views these days. And anyway, it's your job as a parent to teach them about life, not the school. Surely you've already explained by age 15.

I'd be surprised if a 15 year old would be shocked or impacted by this revelation

Bless you, you're bound to be feeling very raw about the loss of your dad. Be kind to yourself, it's going to make you irritated by tactless, if well-meaning comments.

It's important to allow yourself to feel your feelings, but also to acknowledge that other people are probably just trying (and failing) to think of the right thing to say.

My MIL is an amazing woman, I love her to bits. When I mentioned grief over my dad passing away, she said briskly "Well, positive thoughts only now". I was slightly taken aback, and replied "Well, that's the point really, you can't positive thinking away grief ".

But afterwards I sought not to be resentful about it. I genuinely think she must have struggled to know what to say.😳 and tried to be charitable.

I’m sorry for your loss. I think your reaction is based on your own emotions at the moment and I don’t think anyone could judge you for that. However you do need to be careful not to put your emotions onto your DD, her grief and emotions are not the same as yours and cannot be treated as such.

Agree with this poster. It's good to be open about bereavement and grief and to normalise the feelings, but when people share their own experiences it's not about them and we all grieve different. Ideally, she should listen and empathise and offer emotional and practical support . Sounds like she is well intentioned but lacks self awareness. It is tough keeping patience when you are coping with a recent bereavement. Really sorry about your Dad.

This. Don’t try and protect your daughter from these things. Secrets in families are awful.

Condolences for your loss.

I'm sure your daughter will have wept for the loss of her granddad, your father. But when you say your MIL' s miscarriage, presumably many many years ago has impacted your daughter, are you saying that she is feeling sorrow and weeping for this also??
You say this has affected her, how?