To think this was not appropriate for MIL to say in front of DD

[Candleabra183]

My Dad died last week. Went to visit MIL with DD (15) and DH today. MIL asked how we all were and before I had chance to finish my sentence she started to talk about the loss of her own Dad. Lots have people have done this over the past week, it does seem to trigger people to talk about their own experiences (something I’ll try very hard not to do in the future as I’ve found it quite difficult to listen to other people’s bereavement stories, it’s quite exhausting to give them the appropriate response/empathy etc when you’re going through it yourself). Anyway, that’s not what my AIBU is about.

She then said that after her Dad died, she lost a baby so it was a particularly difficult time. This has never been spoken about in front of DD before. I’ve been aware that she had a miscarriage.

I was just stunned that she thought there and then was the time to mention it. DD is trying to come to terms with the loss of her grandad and now we’re having to explain miscarriages etc to her. Seems incredibly insensitive. I’m just venting here, I’d never say anything to DH or MIL, just wondering if I’m the one being over sensitive given the timing or if others agree with my thoughts.

I understand why you are finding it emotionally exhausting when people keep telling you their own grief stories. I think a lot of the time though, it’s a well-intentioned though clumsy attempt to connect- in a way they are actually trying to show you empathy by demonstrating that they understand your pain as they have had a similar experience. However, I can understand why this doesn’t feel helpful to you and why it feels like they aren’t just giving you the space to grieve your own loss.

in terms of the miscarriage aspect- I think 15 is plenty old enough to know about her grandmother having had one. Whether or not it was an appropriate time for her to speak about this is another matter.

I think you're turning this into something it's not. So her grandmother had a miscarriage presumably decades ago. That's not a heavy discussion. It'll probably barely register with her. And I cant for a second imagine it's going to add to her grief.

My Mum had several miscarriages. As far as I'm aware her grandchildren don't know that. Not because its a family secret or it upsets my Mum - it's just never come up. It's certainly never crossed my mind that I have 'lost siblings'

You're massively overthinking it

OP, I am sorry for your loss. This must be so hard for you all. I don’t know if anyone else has mentioned this as I’ve read your responses but not everyone else’s.
When my DM died and when my FIL died, both my DF and my MIL had very intimate conversations bordering on the inappropriate in the immediate aftermath of their deaths.
It’s almost as there were some sort of compulsion to review troubling or unresolved events from earlier in their lives which were triggered by the shock of losing their life partners. In my DF’s case some of what was said was inappropriate for my then 14 year-old daughter to hear and I tried to shield her from it. It was as if he didn’t notice she was in the room and just had to spill these secrets.
I do wonder if it’s a sort of human need/ vulnerability at a traumatic time. Could this be similar?
After the initial episode it was never mentioned again. DD asked about some of it and we explained as well as we could as simply as we could. (Teenage girls quite enjoy family secrets) We just put it down to grief reaction and moved on.
Try to forgive MIL even if you don’t normally have a close relationship. Her whole world has upended.
it’s difficult when an in-law dies as you have your own reactions and emotions to deal with but you often have to put these to one side as you support MIL, DH and DC. It is exhausting but kindness and support to the newly bereaved at this time goes a long way. The opposite can also poison these relationships for a long time too. Hopefully your friends can support you through this as you support your family.

May I ask how it impacted your DD?
Is she more upset?
Has she withdrawn into herself?
Is she asking questions?

Did DD bring it up on the way home?
How was the discussion had or was it all at MILs? I'm trying to understand why you've had to talk to her about it x

I think it's quite healthy to have these heavy conversations however, of course it wasn't really the right time for MIL to to get it out there; it's hard for you to have a bomb like this dropped what with your own DDads passing for which I send my deepest condolences.

It’s the OP’s own father who has died. Not her MIL’s husband, so it’s the OP’s world that has been upended.

I haven't called anybody evil. I think calling the grieving OP a drama llama is unkind.

You certainly haven't passed on your commiserations to the OP or acknowledged her loss so your use of 'everybody' is factually incorrect.

It's OP's dad that has died, not her MIL's DH. OP is the one grieving, not her MIL or her DH.

Your daughter is 15. This wasn’t a 5 year old hearing about this situation and wondering what a miscarriage is.

My apologies I read that as her DP’s dad. HerFIL. In that case MIL is completely insensitive and I am so sorry that happened.

No she's a grieving 15yo who probably didn't need to hear this atm and neither did the OP.

As OP said in her second post her DD knew what a miscarriage is but they didn’t know that MIL had had one. "It’s just another heavy conversation and something else for her to think about when she’s already going through so much".

There's a time and a place for this conversation and in OP's opinion (and mine) a few days after the death of her GF wasn't it

She’s 15. You’re in danger of infantilising her.

RTFT

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Your grief and I assume your Dd's grief is very fresh. Rather than listening to you your MIL wanted to talk about herself and to bring up not only parental loss but baby loss. It's inappropriate and selfish. I think that people saying that your DD should know what a miscarriage is are missing the point. Yes, perhaps she should, but is days after the death of her grandfather the best time for her grandmother to be unloading other stories of loss on her?

I was just stunned that she thought there and then was the time to mention it. DD is trying to come to terms with the loss of her grandad and now we’re having to explain miscarriages etc to her. Seems incredibly insensitive.

What on earth did you have to explain though? She is 15yo. Her grandmother, at one point in time had a miscarriage. The end. It’s not heavy. There’s nothing to explain there, nothing to process on the 15yo end either. Not sure why you believe this is ‘a deal’, let alone ‘a big deal’.

If her grandmother's miscarriage that happened decades ago impacted your DD, I would have a think about how your own reactions to these conversations in general. Children are very likely to take the lead of their parents and it is our job as a parent to manage our own reactions as children learn from us.

You’ve called those who disagree with you "cruel" and seem content with the harsh criticism of the MIL. Everyone has expressed sympathy for OP, but you remain unsatisfied.
It’s possible to support OP while acknowledging that MIL wasn’t wrong to mention her losses—many people empathize by relating their own experiences.

Wow, I am appalled at some of the replies on here!

OP YANBU

The appropriate response to someone's bereavement is "I'm sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do to help?'

Your MIL was insensitive to the point of rudeness. Does she normally make everything about herself?

I don't think that baby loss/miscarriage should be taboo and spoken about any less than any other form of grief. But I am sorry for your loss and agree that people shouldn't respond by immediately telling you their life story.

Firstly, I’m so sorry about your Dad, I lost mine 13 years ago and I am now aware that I was very changeable in my grief - I wanted people to acknowledge my loss but some days I didn’t want to talk about it and other days I did. I just think your MIL was probably talking and maybe didn’t know what to say so gabbled on with a mildly inappropriate story but your DD is plenty old enough to know about this. All I will tell you is that the incredible sadness you are feeling will fade and instead of memories being hard to think about, they become a source of comfort and in time every time you think about your Dad you will smile, not feel sad. Sending you lots of love x

Your 15 year old doesn’t know what a miscarriage is? That’s extremely strange… she’s almost an adult.

Sending sympathy on your loss, OP.

I think some people talk about their own bereavements to try to show sympathy, in the sense that they remember how bad it was and understand how you feel. It’s meant kindly. If they go on at length about themselves and their feelings, though, that’s insensitive.

I think you’re reaching … how would your grandmothers decade old miscarriage be taxing in any kind of way? I think it’s rather good that miscarriages are being openly spoken about nowadays to normalize them.

I think it’s bad taste to hijack your grief about the father but the miscarriage? Nah. You’re being unreasonable

She does know what a miscarriage is

If your DD already knows what a miscarriage is why wouldhearing her Gran had suffered a miscarriage many years ago upset her? Surely it's just a snippet of family history all these years later for anyone other than the parents who lost the baby.

It does sound like she got carried away talking about her own loss a bit. I would feel the same