Does this sound like a happy marriage?

[nosywithabuttonnose]

Dh is a gamer and I have absolutely no interest in gaming.
We have a young child who goes to bed at 7 which is around when he gets home. He will then spend 2 hours gaming until our older child goes to bed and then we spend an hour or two together before bed.
I like to go to the gym which he has no interest in so I go a few times a week while he is gaming, on the days I don’t go I will sit on my phone besides him while he games and we’ll sit in silence immersed in what we’re doing.
At weekends he will often game for a while extra but then we’ll watch a family film or go out for a while.
I often find we sit in silence in the evening and don’t have a lot to talk about, his job is very samish and he works alone a lot so not much to come home and talk about and I’m at home with a small child doing small child things and housework so not much to talk about.

He seems perfect happy to game on his own and I enjoy going to the gym on my own but I worry if we’re drifting apart, we have no shared interests and nothing to talk about but we love each other and get each other, does this sound like a marriage than can work? We’ve been together over 10 years.

It does sound like you’re drifting apart, and you’re going to need to put in some effort (both of you) to avoid this becoming a much bigger issue. Have you discussed your concerns?

Do you have babysitters so you can go for nights out together?

When was the last time you took him out on a date?

Or down the pub for a pint?

What do you love about each other? It sounds quite lonely to me

Not necessarily drifting apart, but in a bit of a rut maybe. It's a difficult time with young dch. Does your DH engage with them enough? Sounds to me as if he's a bit - not addicted exactly, but in a habit of just switching off from real life.

We have the occasional date night but it’s usually at home, our older child will go upstairs and watch a film in bed and we’ll have a take away and a bottle of wine and some music and a chat but I find we only talk to each other when there’s no distractions.

So he gets home and then is gaming until your children are both in bed? This reads as if he's leaving you to do the lions share of the parenting and has minimal quality time with you or his children? It sounds like he has Peter pan syndrome and needs to grow up a bit. Having an interest in something is fine but it sounds like it's overtaking family life and putting unfair pressure on you as a result. You get out of a marriage as much as you put in and he's not putting much in but expecting to reap the benefits. That to me would breed malcontent and resentment. Have you spoken to him about it? And to the kids about how they feel about it?

Yes I think you’re right, he will plan his gaming and make time for it, while moaning we don’t spend enough time together but doesn’t make time for us.

So in the 2 hours he gets to spend with the older child he is gaming? What are and the child doing in this time? Who makes dinner every night, does he do his share of chores or is gaming while you do it?

Our older child is 9 so between the toddler going to bed at 7 and him going to bed at 9 we’re all just sitting in the lounge, but ds will be on his Nintendo switch. Dh on his XBox and me on my phone or at the gym.

So there are two hours between your youngest and oldest going to bed and your DH spends that block of time gaming instead of hanging out with the oldest child? I think that’s a bit sad really.

Your DS is on his switch for two hours before bed most nights?

He doesn’t like proper food so I cook for myself and the children while he prefers a pizza or a toastie which he’ll get himself when he’s hungry which will be after 9 when he’s stopped gaming.

Do you and your husband get the same number of hours over the week to pursue hobbies, whether gaming, gym or whatever you choose? If yes, no problem really in terms of fairness and contribution to family life. If he's gaming more than your free time though, and you are looking after the older child or doing chores while he is gaming, that needs sorted.

I would say to maintain the relationship long term you need to have a time together without devices every day if at all possible. To talk, check in, make plans. Some days this might only be 15 minutes. If talking is hard, do an activity together at first instead. You could talk whilst you do chores together in the evening, or maybe you have a room in your house needing redecorated?

I appreciate you don't have much to say about "what you did today" but there are loads of other things to talk about. Me and DH talk about people we know, what happening in the news, what we think about hypothetical ethical dilemmas (what would you do if...), what our future plans and dreams are, what we'd do if we won the lottery...

A long term successful marriage will be one where both parties invest regular time communicating with each other.

OP I really don't think that's great. 2 hours on his switch before bed every night? Maybe consider game free evenings where you all play a boardgame/play outside or something (if you have a garden)?

I do too, but he used gaming to unwind.

I think it's quite sad that he doesn't want to spend time with his child or you in the evening. That should come first really. All sitting on screens each evening? Can you not play a board game that involves talking to each other some evenings instead? Or he could take the 9 year old out for a evening walk. Yes have time for gaming as a hobby but it sounds like he prioritises it over his family which isn't great.

Yes I agree it’s a bit much, he wouldn’t come off his game to play with us but I could spend more time with the older one alone.

Oh good grief, he doesn't eat with you? That's really disfunctional. He can retrain his hunger pattern to eat at a normal time, even if he eats a different food alongside your dinner. He is opting out of family life here, and that will eventually backfire badly if it's not tackled.

There isn't one part of this scenario that isn't depressing af.

I think your way of silence is not that instructive to your children in how a couple consider each other's views and feelings etc.
Your husband seems not to interact with his children.
Does he ever game with them?
Does he watch a movie with his older child and discuss, laugh or interact?

I can see how spending an hour each doing your own quiet thing after the kids are asleep is doable but every night seems excessive.

The older child having a screen in their own room is very isolating. I would rewrite the ground rules for behaviour around devices...
One hour max per day
No devices upstairs
Kids on devices in communal areas etc etc

I enjoy more communication and attention to people in my home.

To answer your question, no, that doesn't sound like 'a happy marriage'. It sounds like flatmates with childcare responsibilities.

I certainly don't think having separate interests in a marriage is an issue in itself (dh and I have our own hobbies as well as stuff we like to do together) but it sounds as if he's avoiding genuine engagement with you. (And tbh a grown man who prioritises gaming is deeply unattractive anyway imo but I understand it might not the core issue for you personally.)

It sounds absolutely shit to me, like it really wouldn’t make a difference if you were together or not.

You’re just two people who happen to live in the same house.

So what? He's a husband and a parent and needs to step up! I like a bath to unwind but I don't have a 2 hour soak every night instead of being with my kids!
Honestly don't know why women put up with this nonsense. You can both schedule in time for your hobbies/unwind.

Just seen he doesn't eat with you, either.

He's behaving like an Xbox addicted teenager.

That's not a relationship that I'd want to be in.