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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Does this sound like a happy marriage?

208 replies

nosywithabuttonnose · 08/04/2025 14:25

Dh is a gamer and I have absolutely no interest in gaming.
We have a young child who goes to bed at 7 which is around when he gets home. He will then spend 2 hours gaming until our older child goes to bed and then we spend an hour or two together before bed.
I like to go to the gym which he has no interest in so I go a few times a week while he is gaming, on the days I don’t go I will sit on my phone besides him while he games and we’ll sit in silence immersed in what we’re doing.
At weekends he will often game for a while extra but then we’ll watch a family film or go out for a while.
I often find we sit in silence in the evening and don’t have a lot to talk about, his job is very samish and he works alone a lot so not much to come home and talk about and I’m at home with a small child doing small child things and housework so not much to talk about.

He seems perfect happy to game on his own and I enjoy going to the gym on my own but I worry if we’re drifting apart, we have no shared interests and nothing to talk about but we love each other and get each other, does this sound like a marriage than can work? We’ve been together over 10 years.

OP posts:
Bumblenums · 08/04/2025 18:31

If this was me OP the console would have found its way out of window by now. The amount of time I've taken my husbands phone off him when he's paying no attention to me or his children all evening. Tell him to grow up. What a way to live.

Pigeon31 · 08/04/2025 18:40

My suggestion is get a board game or two (any gaming shop will be able to advise on something popular that your 9yo can play) and have a board games night occasionally. See if that helps.

Yesterdaywassunny · 08/04/2025 18:43

If he won't spend time with his children, you need to - take them out for walks, play board games with them, do fun stuff. They need one parent who's engaged, and sotting beside your 9 year old for 2 hours as he's playing his own games is not engaging.

I couldn't be with a man who is such a shit Dad, once you get your son into a better routine, you need to work on him - he can change if he really wants to. If he's actually addicted there's treatment, but it may be that he's just happy to opt out of family life and parenting.

If he doesn't want to change weigh the pros and cons of leaving him.

Yesterdaywassunny · 08/04/2025 18:45

CosyLemur · 08/04/2025 18:20

People on her pretend to have perfect TV lives, but your marriage sounds normal to me. Everyone I know has separate interests than their partner and it's not like you never do anything together.

It's not normal for a father to have no meaningful interaction with his kids.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 08/04/2025 18:46

I wouldn't be happy with that set up, but the big question is are you both happy? Don't think about what other people will think about it, just think about whether it makes you happy.

If you are, then it's a happy marriage. If you're not, you need to discuss and change.

lazyarse123 · 08/04/2025 18:57

You're both teaching your 9 yr old to behave like his dad. You need to find a hobby that you can all enjoy together even if it's only a couple of times a week.

DangerousAlchemy · 08/04/2025 18:59

nosywithabuttonnose · 08/04/2025 14:42

He doesn’t like proper food so I cook for myself and the children while he prefers a pizza or a toastie which he’ll get himself when he’s hungry which will be after 9 when he’s stopped gaming.

He sounds a bit like a student or a teenage boy tbh with his eating habits and gaming! 9 sounds a bit young to be on a console for 2 hours right up to bedtime imo too.

Haemagoblin · 08/04/2025 19:04

Dear God he sounds insufferable and immature. Like he's mentally stuck in his mum's basement. Not eating properly, not parenting his kids, not interacting with his wife... What on earth did you ever see in this prince of men?

Smallmercies · 08/04/2025 19:06

Sounds like you're married to my teenager 😅

MumWifeOther · 08/04/2025 19:10

So what is your older child doing and how old are they when dad is gaming and you’re on the phone?

Bubblybits · 08/04/2025 19:10

Horses for courses and some people wouldn’t be happy with my marriage, but yours sounds like it’s dying to me.

In comparison, my DH gets home around 6pm. The kids (5 and 7) have clubs 3 nights a week so they often get home at 6ish with me. I give the kids a substantial snack before clubs so that they can wait to eat properly at 7ish with DH and I. While we cook/tidy round/get organised, the kids are allowed 30-45 min on screens. After dinner we usually go out to the garden and either do some jobs, the children play on the trampoline or we’ll have a short walk. If the weather is awful or when it’s very dark in winter, we’ll do board games or indoor play (not screens). The children sleep at 8 and generally afterwards DH and I are working together to sort the house, do anything that needs doing (tonight we’re repainting the hallway 😒) and will have a cuppa and watch a program together before bed. He needs more sleep than me - he has a really stressful job and I’m only PT - so I read in bed for an hour while he sleeps. It’s companionable. We chat a lot, about not a lot. He’s still my best friend after 15 years.

I think you could benefit from therapy and less screen time - I am aware of the irony in me posting this on my phone 😂 DH is doing bathtime right now and I’m cleaning up after dinner!

Bubblybits · 08/04/2025 19:11

Smallmercies · 08/04/2025 19:06

Sounds like you're married to my teenager 😅

I waffle a lot but yep, this was my first thought.

Smallmercies · 08/04/2025 19:15

Bubblybits · 08/04/2025 19:10

Horses for courses and some people wouldn’t be happy with my marriage, but yours sounds like it’s dying to me.

In comparison, my DH gets home around 6pm. The kids (5 and 7) have clubs 3 nights a week so they often get home at 6ish with me. I give the kids a substantial snack before clubs so that they can wait to eat properly at 7ish with DH and I. While we cook/tidy round/get organised, the kids are allowed 30-45 min on screens. After dinner we usually go out to the garden and either do some jobs, the children play on the trampoline or we’ll have a short walk. If the weather is awful or when it’s very dark in winter, we’ll do board games or indoor play (not screens). The children sleep at 8 and generally afterwards DH and I are working together to sort the house, do anything that needs doing (tonight we’re repainting the hallway 😒) and will have a cuppa and watch a program together before bed. He needs more sleep than me - he has a really stressful job and I’m only PT - so I read in bed for an hour while he sleeps. It’s companionable. We chat a lot, about not a lot. He’s still my best friend after 15 years.

I think you could benefit from therapy and less screen time - I am aware of the irony in me posting this on my phone 😂 DH is doing bathtime right now and I’m cleaning up after dinner!

Sounds like a nice family life 🥰

whatashame123 · 08/04/2025 19:19

I think what people are missing here with the - 'sounds immature, exactly like my teenager' is that you married him, probably and hopefully because you liked him then, but the family situation has changed and possibly he hasn't.

Gaming is not a red flag, many of us gen X's are gamers and still will while hours away doing it, but don't marry a gamer if you don't want someone who plays games for relaxation, but they still need to put the family hours in too.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 08/04/2025 19:20

It sounds a bit sad for your older child. Your husband is gaming, you’re at the gym… and what is your older child doing till they go to bed? Sitting on their own? It sounds ds like there is no family bonding time.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 08/04/2025 19:32

nosywithabuttonnose · 08/04/2025 14:42

He doesn’t like proper food so I cook for myself and the children while he prefers a pizza or a toastie which he’ll get himself when he’s hungry which will be after 9 when he’s stopped gaming.

So he doesn’t have dinner with you and the children. He doesn’t engage with the children or you from when he gets home till they go to bed, doesn’t engage with you either while sitting on the sofa by the sounds of it… I bet he does want sex though once you’re in bed. Or does he not even want that anymore? Sounds like you’ve got a lodger.

LaughingCat · 08/04/2025 19:33

nosywithabuttonnose · 08/04/2025 16:26

He wouldn’t admit it was a problem, he loves gaming and gets very emotionally engaged in it, he can get really angry and get up over a game. He won’t come off for anything once he’s in the middle of a game he can’t stop.

This is all resonating a lot with me. I’ve never stopped my other half gaming - truth be told, I’ve always loved that he’s so passionate about it. I don’t think you can both be gamers in the house (we’d die of starvation or legionnaire’s otherwise), so I pulled back on my gaming and spend more time cooking, reading or working out. We do come together for dinner but usually watch something on telly and I find myself waiting for the moment he announces he’s going back upstairs. It wasn't always this much - just a couple of years ago he told me he was going to reduce his gaming even though I didn’t think it was that bad…that was around a third of what he does now, if not less.

He’s full of plans for our first child - we’ll go out at the weekends and not just to get in the weekly shop. He’ll take on the lion’s share of the cooking for the first couple of years. We’ll have people round. He’s really trying at the moment, even though he’s still gaming every day, and I don’t want to puncture that optimism.

I’m really worried that your life is what will happen though - just ships passing in the night, him raiding for a few hours every day and me packing lunchboxes and lifting a few weights, if I get the time.

I think my only game plan is to engage with our kid and make it fun - and if he wants to join in, then he can. I’ll make the plans to go out on the weekend or hang out in the evenings…the only person that loses out, then, is him (and us, but hopefully he is motivated to spend less time gaming before it affects us as a family too much).

You need to lay it out for him, tell him how you’re feeling. Not accusing him or trying to make him feel bad just setting out how his gaming makes you feel and your worries about your future as a family. You obviously still love him and that’s worth fighting for.

MrsWallers · 08/04/2025 19:35

Perhaps I and DH are a bit older than you (47 and 50) so its not really our genertion the gaming thing
Your husband sounds addicted though and may need help
My sons game (aged 18 and 21)
I dont understand the adults/husbands/parents gaming and my older son is well aware of this.
I just find it really unattractive and such a waste of time.
My husbanbd is currently at a scout planning meeting as he is a scout leader
He has a very busy and demanding job but makes time for these kind of things because they young people involved really benefit and devlop from attending
Perhaps look at your kids doing an actvity like that to get them off the gaming at least

Screamingabdabz · 08/04/2025 19:36

Those poor kids. At some point they’re going to realise that their dad prefers gaming to actually spending any time with them. That’s going to hurt.

sandyhappypeople · 08/04/2025 19:55

FluffyChickenBehind · 08/04/2025 18:06

So, reading some of these comments, I'm going to try and be a bit more of a voice of reason here.

I am someone who enjoys gaming, as does my fiancé. I do understand that you don't and that's totally okay. But I do have experience with my fiancé gaming because he loves it, and we often end up playing different games from each other. Some people have said your husband is a 'loser' for gaming and frankly I think that's ridiculous.

Let me try and put context to this: My partner is also a programmer by day in a business that is currently expanding massively, so he has a whole lot of responsibilities that means he not only has to get up at 6am to get to work, he gets home sometimes as late as 6.30pm and during that time he is absolutely run off his feet putting out proverbial fires and having to do work that really tests his brain as he's making new apps/websites/networking etc. So when he comes back, he loves to cook, so he very kindly does this for us, and then if I don't jump in with 'let's play a board game' or 'let's watch a film' or some other activity, he will jump onto his favourite game and play it for the very few hours he has left in the evening just so he doesn't completely burn out. His favourite game is quite a passive brain-shut-off game, so it helps him relax and puts some order back into what usually are very chaotic and stressful days for him. If he doesn't game or actively take his mind off work, he ends up so stressed he often works late into the evening, sometimes I have even caught him up working later than 2am even when he has to get up in 4 hours. So I would much rather he does what he can to relax whilst work is as mad as it is for now!

Sometimes, there are days he simply cannot manage to do anything other than game even if I do suggest something, because there was something like a complete server meltdown where the company was being fined tens of thousands of pounds per minute the server was down and the CEO is freaking out all day, etc. etc. And I don't know exactly what your partner does but maybe some days are like that for him too. So don't let people make you jump to the conclusion that he's a loser or any other presumptuous things that have been said, because honestly that all sounds rather harsh. Your partner could be having an extremely tough time at work, and just not communicating that very well.

As a side note, I will ask if you, your DH or DC have ever been diagnosed with autism? It is really not something to be afraid of, as both I and my partner have the 'high functioning' kind, if you want to get into labels like that. I ask because a tendency to prefer gaming over other activities, as well as your partner's dislike of foods other than toasties and pizza does make me wonder if maybe there's something unaddressed here. It may be that your partner genuinely really struggles to eat what you feel is a healthy and balanced diet for you and your DC. This is something you could maybe look into and have a think about, though I wouldn't suggest immediately going out and confronting your partner about it as I have no idea if this is actually the case or not lol.

However, I will say, and this is my own presumption so feel free to correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like you are afraid to talk to him about how you feels and have reached out to us on the internet instead. That makes sense, because ultimately, you are asking us, 'does this sound happy', but you're asking us this because clearly this isn't what you wanted. So, there are a few things you can do from here.

First, you take the nuclear option and break up with this man immediately. I don't think, personally, you need to do that at this stage.

Secondly, you sit down and explain to him that you're really scared you're growing apart from each other. The way you do this is very important, you have to try and be as honest and open as you can, engaging with the fact you clearly care about your partner and their wellbeing, and also that you probably don't actually want to lose them. From here, if he's listening, you need to very carefully list the things that are bothering you and what would be happening in an ideal scenario for you. But when you do this, you have to be prepared he may need to say some things are also bothering him too about you. That could sting, but you've got to listen with as open mind as you can. If you both can't listen to each other and take on board what each other is saying at this point, it can mean you just shut down to each other which is not going to get either of you anywhere. You'll know if you've really reached him or not, I can guarantee that at least.

There are a few things that might go wrong here: Firstly, he (or you) emotionally totally shuts down and does not connect with you (or him) on any meaningful level. If this happens, he may not understand the gravity of what you're saying, OR he may understand it but be absolutely terrified about saying something wrong when he knows that could mean the end of the relationship. The best thing to do is to try again another time to have that conversation and see if he responds differently then, even though it might mean going into another room and screaming into a pillow in the meantime or whatnot. Secondly, it all gets incredibly emotional and you end up having a big fight. Not all is necessarily lost if that happens. Again, try again another time and try to remain cool and apologise in the mean time if needs be. 10 years is a long time, so there is obviously something that's keeping you together and I always say it's worth fighting for.

Thirdly, if you've tried a few times to talk and it just doesn't feel like it's working, couples therapy may be an option here. I would encourage you to be very picky here about your therapist and go to someone who specialises in 'attachment theory' (See 'Hold Me Tight' by Dr Sue Johnson if you like to read). If you don't like the therapist when you meet them, pick someone else until you do. And if you find no one you like, don't bother with it. A bad therapist is not better than no therapist.

To give you some more context and maybe some hope, I recently had a very traumatic time of having to move all the way down the country and then back up again to stop my very disabled mother from dying because of neglect from my awful, abusive family, who then essentially forced us to move away again having got me and my partner to sort out all my mother's care in the mean time. It was extremely tough on us both for the year we were down there, and took another whole year after moving out again for us to get back into the swing of things now. During that time there were a lot of moments where we just simply were not connecting to each other and separate games/activities from each other. We were simply too exhausted to talk sometimes and silly things turned into big arguments (like buying a new washing machine lol). At points, we were barely even hugging each other anymore. I really did think we were going to split. But ultimately, I really didn't want to lose him, so after quite a few conversations (some angry, some upset, some a lot more calm), we started working out what needed to be done and make steps to fix it. In my case, it meant I finally put an end to being in any way financially or legally tied to my toxic family, and I also got personal therapy for some of the stuff I'd gone through with them all. He switched jobs from a place that was totally taking advantage of him financially and made a bigger effort to give me more physical affection when he gets back from work. We keep a close eye on his current job and I'm ready to step in now to support him if he needs to walk away from this place too. We also set aside Sunday evenings for us time now, and all of these things really helped.

The most important thing was we made it clear to each other how much we meant to each other, and how scary it was to think we might lose each other. He does still go and play games solo every so often like I say, but we nearly always sit and eat together, and we make time to do things like go out even just to the garden centre and get a coffee every so often, or recently we explored somewhere outside we'd never been to before which basically just cost our fuel and time. Even more recently, we've started sitting out in the garden and having tea together on the weekend mornings. Something I really like is every time he gets up to go to work he gives me a big hug and kiss and tells me how much he loves me before he heads out. Like I say, it's taken time to get back into the swing of things, but I am really glad I took that time instead of giving up. I truly hope that is the same for you.

Good luck and best wishes whatever you ultimately end up doing :)

I know you mean well, but your reflections seem to be purely from a 'couple' point of view, where you ultimately care about each other and respect each other, but sometimes get carried away in the solitude of doing your own thing day to day.

OPs situation is poles apart, he has children and the only time he has available to see his children (or older child at least) is 2 hours a day and he prioritises gaming over them every time, not only that but he takes up the whole living space so no one else can enjoy it. Falling into that trap while you are a couple is one thing, OPTING OUT of being a parent and a husband, because you would rather be gaming then spend time with them is disgusting.

I can't believe people are cajoling OP about enticing him out to the pub, going on dates etc.. IMO if he won't prioritise spending some time with his children and wife before gaming (which he would still easily be able to fit in around them), and he isn't open to compromising on it then it would be over for me, I couldn't sit there every night and watch my 9 year old being ignored by their dad.

I mean, when is he contributing to the household? He comes in games for two hours, as soon as eldest is in bed, he gets his own food, then spends time with OP before going to bed.. does he actually do ANYTHING around the house??

I also get the feeling that if OP broached the subject he would begrudgingly agree to prioritise his family over gaming, but then he would just make it horrible for everyone.. just a feeling, but I know the sort.

greengreyblue · 08/04/2025 19:57

Fluffydolittle · 08/04/2025 15:52

Then carry on with your day whilst your husband pays a woman for a picture of her feet or bin lovey. You do you.

This is for the women who want to learn

lol I’ve been married, very happily for 29 years , no advice needed. Not all men are twats!

Nanny0gg · 08/04/2025 19:58

nosywithabuttonnose · 08/04/2025 14:34

We have the occasional date night but it’s usually at home, our older child will go upstairs and watch a film in bed and we’ll have a take away and a bottle of wine and some music and a chat but I find we only talk to each other when there’s no distractions.

When does he interact with his children?

Itsoneofthose · 08/04/2025 20:02

@nosywithabuttonnose the important thing is you love each other and want it to work. It’s healthy to have different interests, but sounds like yous need to find a mutual interest or have some date nights or something to find the spark again. Sorry it sounds so cliche. Something to break the monotony.

MassiveOvaryaction · 08/04/2025 20:11

There's a lot to be said for companionable silence, just being in the same place together but doing your own thing. I'd say though it's only a good thing part of the time imo. He shouldn't get to come in and opt out of family life every day (and I personally think he shouldn't want to).

lowlight · 08/04/2025 20:20

Sounds like all of you spend too much time looking at screens......