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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Does this sound like a happy marriage?

208 replies

nosywithabuttonnose · 08/04/2025 14:25

Dh is a gamer and I have absolutely no interest in gaming.
We have a young child who goes to bed at 7 which is around when he gets home. He will then spend 2 hours gaming until our older child goes to bed and then we spend an hour or two together before bed.
I like to go to the gym which he has no interest in so I go a few times a week while he is gaming, on the days I don’t go I will sit on my phone besides him while he games and we’ll sit in silence immersed in what we’re doing.
At weekends he will often game for a while extra but then we’ll watch a family film or go out for a while.
I often find we sit in silence in the evening and don’t have a lot to talk about, his job is very samish and he works alone a lot so not much to come home and talk about and I’m at home with a small child doing small child things and housework so not much to talk about.

He seems perfect happy to game on his own and I enjoy going to the gym on my own but I worry if we’re drifting apart, we have no shared interests and nothing to talk about but we love each other and get each other, does this sound like a marriage than can work? We’ve been together over 10 years.

OP posts:
wrongthinker · 08/04/2025 16:48

That sounds miserable for you and for your children, spending their whole lives on screens.

U53rName · 08/04/2025 16:49

nosywithabuttonnose · 08/04/2025 14:42

He doesn’t like proper food so I cook for myself and the children while he prefers a pizza or a toastie which he’ll get himself when he’s hungry which will be after 9 when he’s stopped gaming.

Is he 15?

MuffinsOrCake · 08/04/2025 16:50

He has gaming addiction. Not wanting day trips or barbecues in the garden, no play with kids, never??? It sounds a bit irreparable. Not sure what to say.

My husband has online evening customer phone job and is available for the people and in day time needs filling forms and things but when the kids are/were at school and I was between my many part-time jobs we would have extended lunch, drive around, visit a nature spot; Late evening meal but shared. Weekend solely devoted to the family apart few Saturdays or Sunday when his shifts rotate.

OneWaryCat · 08/04/2025 16:52

@Fluffydolittle Men need to chase, it’s in their nature. Ok? Hence the success of the porn industry. They’re never satisfied.

Some men, yes. But not all. And certainly not the type I want to attract. I think your talking about a very specific type of man and they are quite toxic.

cestlaviecherie · 08/04/2025 16:54

Livingbytheocean · 08/04/2025 16:20

No, this is my idea of hell. Like being trapped in the life of a teenager indefinitely. Even as a teen I would have hated this.

He is quite apart from anything a terrible role model to your children op. They will grow up thinking this is normal, and it isn’t remotely normal.

I would encourage him to get some help with his gaming addiction. If he wants to save his marriage.

Well you're obviously not from a gamer or a gaming family then.

It's very normal, in fact a couple of hours is less than average for most people.

Doing something you like for 2 hours a day and at weekends is hardly abnormal or an addiction.

There are plenty of people whose idea of hell would be whatever you like to spend your time doing, it doesn't mean it's wrong.

The problem here is that the OP and her husband have no shared interests.

Semiramide · 08/04/2025 17:02

The problem here is that the OP and her husband have no shared interests

ONE of the problems.

The main problem is that the father has no interest in his children...

ForOliveMember · 08/04/2025 17:03

Your shared interest should be your children if nothing else. Your children come before gaming, the gym, etc

Can you honestly say he is a good, loving father to your kids?

Fluffydolittle · 08/04/2025 17:05

OneWaryCat · 08/04/2025 16:52

@Fluffydolittle Men need to chase, it’s in their nature. Ok? Hence the success of the porn industry. They’re never satisfied.

Some men, yes. But not all. And certainly not the type I want to attract. I think your talking about a very specific type of man and they are quite toxic.

The problem is, this isn’t a minority.

Those hundreds of men in their balaclavas with wives and children at home, lining up to shag a porn star..that’s the harsh truth about many modern men and their loyalty.

I’d love to believe in their decency but only fans stats tell me otherwise and I’d rather have my eyes wide open, even if it makes me sad.

Won’t even touch on the violence against women that’s at epidemic levels.

Genuinely hope you find/found what you’re looking for 💖

80smonster · 08/04/2025 17:06

Raising children is relatively dull (and tiring) work. What do you do when you go out together? Do you plan time just for you? Maybe start there if the answer is no to last two questions. Home life isn’t always mired in the sparkling repartee you’d once imagined, the trick is finding the bits that spark joy and doing more of that. What gets you talking and what DO you have in common?

EuclidianGeometryFan · 08/04/2025 17:08

zoemum2006 · 08/04/2025 16:27

The compromise I would want would be to have family time from 7-9 (board games, walks, chats, movies with discussions) and then he can game once the oldest is in bed.

I'd schedule in some date nights to keep your own marriage alive but at this stage family time is very important.

Your DH needs to be an active parent to his children.

have family time from 7-9 (board games, walks, chats, movies with discussions) and then he can game once the oldest is in bed.

This is the obvious solution.
What time does he usually go to bed? Would he be willing to switch the gaming time to 9-11? Potentially it could interfere with him getting to sleep though if he was gaming up until going to bed.

Eating together as a family is so important. Can you give the DC a snack after school, then have a family meal promptly at 7 as soon as DH is home? Toddler can go to bed straight after.
DH can still eat his junk food after the oldest DC is in bed, but it is important that he sits down with the DC over food to chat with them, even if DH doesn't eat much of that meal.

At the very minimum, he should switch his gaming to another room (your bedroom or the kitchen if no-where else) so that you and eldest DC can watch telly together in the evening.

How do you think he would react if you demanded these changes?

What would be your Plan B if he refused to make any changes, or said he would then failed to follow through and slipped back to his old ways?

EuclidianGeometryFan · 08/04/2025 17:11

One more thing - if he drives for a living, then he is sitting down all day and all evening. When does he get any exercise?
He may get away with it up to about age 30-35, but as he heads into his forties his health will suffer, he will massively gain weight, and by his fifties he will be unhealthy, fat, probably impotent, and unattractive.

Just to let you know what the likely holds.

stayathomer · 08/04/2025 17:18

The compromise I would want would be to have family time from 7-9 (board games, walks, chats, movies with discussions) and then he can game once the oldest is in bed.

Read this and didn’t want to be the first to mention it but op your family needs board game nights, you both need to go bowling, or to quiz nights, you need date nights, but where you leave to go to a pub and talk and figure out that you both can just sit and enjoy each other’s company.

I don’t totally agree with all the manchild stuff, our house is a gaming house and I sometimes enjoy it myself and see how people get so into it but not as a strict part of a routine- every day sure but two hours seems nuts! (Weekends are a free for all here but two hours during the week is a lot!)

Theres tons of fun stuff he can do (and you need help with the non fun stuff!)- he could read Harry Potter with the kids for example, or play something like dobble or snap.

Tell him you’re worried your marriage is turning into a roommates situation, you said above you both love each other, but you need to work at it (signed a person who thought everything was ok until I got a talk that was further on from where you are x) best of luck op x

Didimum · 08/04/2025 17:22

Sounds miserable and he sounds incredibly juvenile.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 08/04/2025 17:27

Very personal question and you don't need to answer it here but maybe reflect on it privately. Is there any intimacy in the marriage. Ranging from a nice a cuddle, kiss to sex?

Even if you do have sex is there a connection or is it just going through the motions.

The way he is prioritising gaming over family time would have me very hurt. It also sounds really dull. Yes life has its boring bits. Work, food shop etc but there has to be fun!

whathaveiforgotten · 08/04/2025 17:27

Fluffydolittle · 08/04/2025 16:08

You are so naive 🤭

I’m genuinely sorry you don’t believe men and women can be in nice, fun and mutually respectful relationships without buying books about how to train the other person to behave in a way you like.

I think it’s really sad you think that’s out of the ordinary or something only naive people believe is possible. I hope one day you meet someone who makes you realise it’s perfectly possible 🤷🏻‍♀️

Catsandcannedbeans · 08/04/2025 17:31

No that sounds like my idea of hell. Especially the not eating with you part. My DP plays games occasionally when our kids are in bed and I’m doing something else, if I were to walk in and sit next to him on my phone he would probably stop playing or finish his game and then talk to me. Occasionally he gets the opportunity to game with “the boys”, and when he does I always let him and don’t disturb him, because he hardly sees them, and also he always takes the kids when I’m on my two hour bitch sesh phone calls with my best mate, so it’s a two way street.

I’m not really a gamer, but sometimes if he’s playing something with a cool story I will ask about it. Or sometimes we will play Fall Out or Mass Effect together and I make the decision about the speech and he does the game play. Maybe you could suggest that? I was sceptical at first but he said since I’m very into books and shows with lore I should try some game lore, and some of it’s actually really good. I think it’s always a good start to try and get into something your partner is really into, even if it’s not your thing. There’s normally something interesting about it.

Isthiswhatmenthink · 08/04/2025 17:34

nosywithabuttonnose · 08/04/2025 16:26

He wouldn’t admit it was a problem, he loves gaming and gets very emotionally engaged in it, he can get really angry and get up over a game. He won’t come off for anything once he’s in the middle of a game he can’t stop.

He is utterly, utterly grim, OP.

He is totally addicted and doesn’t engage with any of you. It’s pathetic.

Your life is so sad and small because of him.

Throwitaway12345 · 08/04/2025 17:50

I think you both need to make an effort to do more than exist in each others company.

My partner likes gaming but he never does before 9pm and only 2 or 3 nights a week. Him playing games at 9pm doesn't bother me as (if we are both in/not working) we will have tea together and maybe watch something together/talk/board game and then I'll go for a bubble bath at 9 and have some down time whilst he plays.

Would your partner be willing to do this - start playing at 9-11 rather than 7-9? It's much less intrusive. Either way though daily is too frequent.

Hwi · 08/04/2025 17:51

Husband and gamer do not belong in the same sentence, I am afraid. He needs to do something about transitioning from childhood. You both have a very short time with your dc - they will grow up and leave for uni. You will never be able to make that time back - he is gaming, you are a gym person. You work as well, so you spend next to no meaningful time with your children - you don't mention children-related activities at all. You need an overhaul of your structure - what do you mean - he is gaming, you are on the phone? Why not reading books/doing maths/talking with the children?

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 08/04/2025 17:58

nosywithabuttonnose · 08/04/2025 14:25

Dh is a gamer and I have absolutely no interest in gaming.
We have a young child who goes to bed at 7 which is around when he gets home. He will then spend 2 hours gaming until our older child goes to bed and then we spend an hour or two together before bed.
I like to go to the gym which he has no interest in so I go a few times a week while he is gaming, on the days I don’t go I will sit on my phone besides him while he games and we’ll sit in silence immersed in what we’re doing.
At weekends he will often game for a while extra but then we’ll watch a family film or go out for a while.
I often find we sit in silence in the evening and don’t have a lot to talk about, his job is very samish and he works alone a lot so not much to come home and talk about and I’m at home with a small child doing small child things and housework so not much to talk about.

He seems perfect happy to game on his own and I enjoy going to the gym on my own but I worry if we’re drifting apart, we have no shared interests and nothing to talk about but we love each other and get each other, does this sound like a marriage than can work? We’ve been together over 10 years.

Sounds genuinely idyllic to me. You're lucky!

(Sincerely.)

Tubs11 · 08/04/2025 18:05

Why is he not unwinding with his family? What kind of example does this set to the kids? How does he/you think they feel about this? I'm all for downtime for adults but twice a week at best and a date night for you both too. The time with kids is precious and will pass really quickly. They say no one on their death bed wishes they'd worked more, I'd say the same applies to gaming and phone addiction!!!

FluffyChickenBehind · 08/04/2025 18:06

So, reading some of these comments, I'm going to try and be a bit more of a voice of reason here.

I am someone who enjoys gaming, as does my fiancé. I do understand that you don't and that's totally okay. But I do have experience with my fiancé gaming because he loves it, and we often end up playing different games from each other. Some people have said your husband is a 'loser' for gaming and frankly I think that's ridiculous.

Let me try and put context to this: My partner is also a programmer by day in a business that is currently expanding massively, so he has a whole lot of responsibilities that means he not only has to get up at 6am to get to work, he gets home sometimes as late as 6.30pm and during that time he is absolutely run off his feet putting out proverbial fires and having to do work that really tests his brain as he's making new apps/websites/networking etc. So when he comes back, he loves to cook, so he very kindly does this for us, and then if I don't jump in with 'let's play a board game' or 'let's watch a film' or some other activity, he will jump onto his favourite game and play it for the very few hours he has left in the evening just so he doesn't completely burn out. His favourite game is quite a passive brain-shut-off game, so it helps him relax and puts some order back into what usually are very chaotic and stressful days for him. If he doesn't game or actively take his mind off work, he ends up so stressed he often works late into the evening, sometimes I have even caught him up working later than 2am even when he has to get up in 4 hours. So I would much rather he does what he can to relax whilst work is as mad as it is for now!

Sometimes, there are days he simply cannot manage to do anything other than game even if I do suggest something, because there was something like a complete server meltdown where the company was being fined tens of thousands of pounds per minute the server was down and the CEO is freaking out all day, etc. etc. And I don't know exactly what your partner does but maybe some days are like that for him too. So don't let people make you jump to the conclusion that he's a loser or any other presumptuous things that have been said, because honestly that all sounds rather harsh. Your partner could be having an extremely tough time at work, and just not communicating that very well.

As a side note, I will ask if you, your DH or DC have ever been diagnosed with autism? It is really not something to be afraid of, as both I and my partner have the 'high functioning' kind, if you want to get into labels like that. I ask because a tendency to prefer gaming over other activities, as well as your partner's dislike of foods other than toasties and pizza does make me wonder if maybe there's something unaddressed here. It may be that your partner genuinely really struggles to eat what you feel is a healthy and balanced diet for you and your DC. This is something you could maybe look into and have a think about, though I wouldn't suggest immediately going out and confronting your partner about it as I have no idea if this is actually the case or not lol.

However, I will say, and this is my own presumption so feel free to correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like you are afraid to talk to him about how you feels and have reached out to us on the internet instead. That makes sense, because ultimately, you are asking us, 'does this sound happy', but you're asking us this because clearly this isn't what you wanted. So, there are a few things you can do from here.

First, you take the nuclear option and break up with this man immediately. I don't think, personally, you need to do that at this stage.

Secondly, you sit down and explain to him that you're really scared you're growing apart from each other. The way you do this is very important, you have to try and be as honest and open as you can, engaging with the fact you clearly care about your partner and their wellbeing, and also that you probably don't actually want to lose them. From here, if he's listening, you need to very carefully list the things that are bothering you and what would be happening in an ideal scenario for you. But when you do this, you have to be prepared he may need to say some things are also bothering him too about you. That could sting, but you've got to listen with as open mind as you can. If you both can't listen to each other and take on board what each other is saying at this point, it can mean you just shut down to each other which is not going to get either of you anywhere. You'll know if you've really reached him or not, I can guarantee that at least.

There are a few things that might go wrong here: Firstly, he (or you) emotionally totally shuts down and does not connect with you (or him) on any meaningful level. If this happens, he may not understand the gravity of what you're saying, OR he may understand it but be absolutely terrified about saying something wrong when he knows that could mean the end of the relationship. The best thing to do is to try again another time to have that conversation and see if he responds differently then, even though it might mean going into another room and screaming into a pillow in the meantime or whatnot. Secondly, it all gets incredibly emotional and you end up having a big fight. Not all is necessarily lost if that happens. Again, try again another time and try to remain cool and apologise in the mean time if needs be. 10 years is a long time, so there is obviously something that's keeping you together and I always say it's worth fighting for.

Thirdly, if you've tried a few times to talk and it just doesn't feel like it's working, couples therapy may be an option here. I would encourage you to be very picky here about your therapist and go to someone who specialises in 'attachment theory' (See 'Hold Me Tight' by Dr Sue Johnson if you like to read). If you don't like the therapist when you meet them, pick someone else until you do. And if you find no one you like, don't bother with it. A bad therapist is not better than no therapist.

To give you some more context and maybe some hope, I recently had a very traumatic time of having to move all the way down the country and then back up again to stop my very disabled mother from dying because of neglect from my awful, abusive family, who then essentially forced us to move away again having got me and my partner to sort out all my mother's care in the mean time. It was extremely tough on us both for the year we were down there, and took another whole year after moving out again for us to get back into the swing of things now. During that time there were a lot of moments where we just simply were not connecting to each other and separate games/activities from each other. We were simply too exhausted to talk sometimes and silly things turned into big arguments (like buying a new washing machine lol). At points, we were barely even hugging each other anymore. I really did think we were going to split. But ultimately, I really didn't want to lose him, so after quite a few conversations (some angry, some upset, some a lot more calm), we started working out what needed to be done and make steps to fix it. In my case, it meant I finally put an end to being in any way financially or legally tied to my toxic family, and I also got personal therapy for some of the stuff I'd gone through with them all. He switched jobs from a place that was totally taking advantage of him financially and made a bigger effort to give me more physical affection when he gets back from work. We keep a close eye on his current job and I'm ready to step in now to support him if he needs to walk away from this place too. We also set aside Sunday evenings for us time now, and all of these things really helped.

The most important thing was we made it clear to each other how much we meant to each other, and how scary it was to think we might lose each other. He does still go and play games solo every so often like I say, but we nearly always sit and eat together, and we make time to do things like go out even just to the garden centre and get a coffee every so often, or recently we explored somewhere outside we'd never been to before which basically just cost our fuel and time. Even more recently, we've started sitting out in the garden and having tea together on the weekend mornings. Something I really like is every time he gets up to go to work he gives me a big hug and kiss and tells me how much he loves me before he heads out. Like I say, it's taken time to get back into the swing of things, but I am really glad I took that time instead of giving up. I truly hope that is the same for you.

Good luck and best wishes whatever you ultimately end up doing :)

ImNotARegularMomIACoolMom · 08/04/2025 18:09

Sounds like hell

whatashame123 · 08/04/2025 18:19

Was he a gamer when you met? Its not something you grow out of like non-gamers seem to think, its a hobby, just like other hobbies!

Coming from a 40 year older gamer Mum, husband has no interest in the same but knew I did obviously before we married.

You still need to make time for each other, but don't just fall for the 'gaming is just for kids, grow up' you will get here, its just the same as reading for hours or binging netflix.

CosyLemur · 08/04/2025 18:20

nosywithabuttonnose · 08/04/2025 14:25

Dh is a gamer and I have absolutely no interest in gaming.
We have a young child who goes to bed at 7 which is around when he gets home. He will then spend 2 hours gaming until our older child goes to bed and then we spend an hour or two together before bed.
I like to go to the gym which he has no interest in so I go a few times a week while he is gaming, on the days I don’t go I will sit on my phone besides him while he games and we’ll sit in silence immersed in what we’re doing.
At weekends he will often game for a while extra but then we’ll watch a family film or go out for a while.
I often find we sit in silence in the evening and don’t have a lot to talk about, his job is very samish and he works alone a lot so not much to come home and talk about and I’m at home with a small child doing small child things and housework so not much to talk about.

He seems perfect happy to game on his own and I enjoy going to the gym on my own but I worry if we’re drifting apart, we have no shared interests and nothing to talk about but we love each other and get each other, does this sound like a marriage than can work? We’ve been together over 10 years.

People on her pretend to have perfect TV lives, but your marriage sounds normal to me. Everyone I know has separate interests than their partner and it's not like you never do anything together.