Does this sound like a happy marriage?

[nosywithabuttonnose]

Dh is a gamer and I have absolutely no interest in gaming.
We have a young child who goes to bed at 7 which is around when he gets home. He will then spend 2 hours gaming until our older child goes to bed and then we spend an hour or two together before bed.
I like to go to the gym which he has no interest in so I go a few times a week while he is gaming, on the days I don’t go I will sit on my phone besides him while he games and we’ll sit in silence immersed in what we’re doing.
At weekends he will often game for a while extra but then we’ll watch a family film or go out for a while.
I often find we sit in silence in the evening and don’t have a lot to talk about, his job is very samish and he works alone a lot so not much to come home and talk about and I’m at home with a small child doing small child things and housework so not much to talk about.

He seems perfect happy to game on his own and I enjoy going to the gym on my own but I worry if we’re drifting apart, we have no shared interests and nothing to talk about but we love each other and get each other, does this sound like a marriage than can work? We’ve been together over 10 years.

You need to eat as a family.
You need to spend time together away from the house/hame consul, both with and without children.
He needs to wind in the gaming hours and prioritise the family.
You should both have your relaxation/me time, but not at the expense of family time.
Or your relationship will be in trouble.

Sounds dreary, depressing, dysfunctional and weird. I couldn’t be doing with an adult for whom ‘gaming’ is a priority. The only people I know that do it are about 13.

It’s not a marriage, nor an ideal environment in which to raise children.

Hell no. Men like him give gamers a bad name. DH built his own gaming PC he goes on it for an evening once or twice a month, always when DS is in bed and always checks in with me first, often it's if I say I have other plans, or have a new book I want to read, or a show I watch but he doesn't, that I'm behind on. He'll take that as a cue to say oh if you're out Thursday night I might go on my computer for a bit after DS is in bed.

He is completely opting out of your children's lives and encouraging your eldest to game every night for hours without engaging with actual people.

I'd also worry that you have nothing to talk about. Don't you talk about current affairs (plenty going on there ATM) interesting things you've read, music you've listened to, a new show friends or colleagues have spoken about that you might want to give a go together? Random things you've seen (I saw a cat fight a fox recently on the way to the station)

DH also paints tiny miniatures (another hobby) and I like to paint watercolours, only small canvasses, so we will set up either end of the table put some music on have a chat while we paint, we also play table top co-op games together sometimes not that we get much time to anymore. We do other things out of the house together and as a family, but I was trying to think of things you can do at home without thinking about childcare.

I do on occasion game with him, I've got a very old PS4 and we recently got a game called it takes two, which ironically is a platformer based on a failing relationship and then the two adults get turned miniature and have to work together to get back home/to normal. Female is voiced by Kirsty from the archers which was an unexpected crossover for me!

It's your marriage, so it's up to you if you are happy with it but this definitely wouldn't be okay for me. Not even for myself, but for the children. I think gaming is fine for a hobby but the issue is that the family should be the priority first, and hobbies later. If he isn't home in time for dinner then he should spend the little time he has before bedtime with the children and then play his game after. I really couldn't stand it if my husband sat there and played an Xbox rather than playing with the kids every night.

Do you have a good sex life, if not, that's not a good sign, if do, gaining coukd be his therapy from working all day. Life is a juggling kids as well. At least he isn't out getting drunk and so on.

it sounds like he hogs the main TV so nobody can watch anything. You need to have a look at the example you are setting for kids. Language development in children left on devices is poor and they can struggle in school and life. You need to talk. I work all day, at least 12 hours and get in around 8pm. When our kid was younger, DH & DS had dinner together and mine was ready to be reheated when I got in. Now DS is 16 so we have dinner together. No mobiles allowed at the tables and it's time to talk about day etc. Not gonna lie, my kid is boring AF. Minecraft, animals, pokemon when younger but engaged in conversation.

In 15 years your kids may have flown the nest and won't come back to chat as they will just be at home on their devices!!

Your partner sounds like he spends zero time with his kids and they will remember this. Is this what you want to do every night until you die? Sorry to put it bluntly but you deserve to be with someone that treasures you. Not just calls you because they are bored on long journeys

Sorry but it’s literally mind numbing Your DH is physically present completely disengaged
it’s like “ The lights are on, but no one is in”
If you want your DC to feel secure, then sort it out.
Your DH can’t take his eyes off a screen to eat a meal!!!

Pick a time when he isn't gaming, sit him down and say this has become a real issue that needs to be resolved. The gaming dominates home life, leaves your older son ignored, night after night and sets him a terrible example of family life. Ask if he cares enough to want to make changes. Point out you are not asking him to stop gaming, just to prioritise family over it more often.

Make plans together, to have a family bbq on a fine night. Even DH must like burgers and sausages in a bun. Get a Frisbee or football out to kick around with DS.

Make a family life list of things to do together over Easter: a bike ride, swimming, a picnic, Easter Egg hunt, playing Pokemon Go or geocaching. Maybe a day trip to the seaside, a steam railway or to visit a castle. In the car play family jukebox - take turns choosing a song to listen to and save the favourites to make a family driving song list. Ask DH to read a bedtime story book with your older son - a chapter each night. All these are fun things to do and engage the family. He can still game for an hour or so each night.

DH and I game, occasionally together.
However dinner has always been eaten at the table every night, and has been at every stage of children with zero screens. He almost always put DS to bed as he got home later than me. We do it as did the children in addition to other hobbies. DS football teams and air cadets and DD piano and drawing, DH and I sports and hiking. Gaming is fine just like any other hobby just as like any other hobby it doesn’t become all encompassing and too dominant. I have woken in the middle of the night as I’m a bit unwell so logged on to my console for an hour. Now I’m scrolling MN and watching tv. He is disengaged with the family so it’s a problem but actual gaming doesn’t have to be a problem, just like any other hobby.

Op while I commented upthread I’d guess this thread is hard to read, as someone commented nobody’s house is perfect and there’s a huge issue with screens that was probably played out instead on the tv in the 90s and 00s, the people saying they garden and chat and do x y and z before they all read before bed are probably more in the minority now, and is extreme, most people I know have some tv / gaming time and to be fair how many do you hear say as a couple they just watch Netflix?

it’s just the whole night gaming then bed every single night is extreme and is probably too numbing for all of you to continue long term.

When you first got together what were your shared interests then? I don’t think it sounds unhappy. Perhaps try and get some date nights in. If things feel forced, find a couples game that will ignite conversation and a laugh. All relationships go through periods of being in a bit of a rut.
I’ll be honest, I was in a blissfully happy relationship 18 years ago which ended in tragedy. I liked watching friends and scrubs, he loved death metal so we spent our evenings in separate rooms. It was fine.

(apologies, I’ve not really scrolled through comments, this came up as I’m heading out to work)

Unwind from what? It doesn’t sound like his job is that stressful?

and he doesn’t like “proper food”?

between that and the gaming he sounds like he’s 14.

This sounds truly dreadful

This also fills me with dread

Maybe make memories for the whole family by say, going to a pleasant park and talking to each other there. You both have responsibilities to relate to each other and the children instead of just using tech all the time when 'together.' You are to be role models to your children. It is so easy to become engrossed on the phone, gaming etc. Maybe cook or bake with the 9 year old, praise them too, not just share a house together.
With lighter evenings could you all go for a walk 'round the block' locally and chat. Let the children and each other see that you enjoy being with each other. You don't need to spend money going on dates necessarily. This will all give things to talk about. You could even enthuse to the children that you are going out. The older one can build with bricks with the younger child and dh encouraged to spend time WITH the children and you too. Chat to him about your concerns and that you too need to be less on the phone. Then not just accusing him. Talk about getting addicted to tech and how easy that is. I find the word 'Let's. . ' is less threatening.
All the best.

@nosywithabuttonnose
I think what really matters here are two things.

• if you both happy. ( Ie are you posting because you're not happy and want confirmation that this situation isn't good. Or you are happy and someone else has told you their is something wrong with your relationship)
• is their tension between the two of you.

Most nights in our house my husband and I watch TV and don't really talk because we're both worn out， but the weekend much more conversational and we'll often play a board game together in the evening.

Relationships are hard to guage because everyone is different and what works for you and your partner might sound terrible to another couple.

I think general contentedness and lack of tension in your marriage is a good gauge, rather than the mechanics of what is done by each person.

What really matters is are you both happy with this arrangement? If you are then it’s fine, if not then things need to change.

DH Nd I don’t have loads of shared interests. We both like fitness but don’t do the same types of exercise so never do it together. He doesn’t like to waste much money on eating out and likes to buy stuff for his hobby. I eat out regularly with my friends or dds. We enjoy a dog walk or an afternoon in the garden with a bbq and drinks together and enjoy the same sort of holidays.

he often likes to talk more than me as he doesn’t talk very much at work where as I have the sort of job where I have to be super nice and communicative all day and am often quite peopled out at home. We do now socialise together with a couple of couples but this has only been in the last year or so. Before that he was really resistant to social active unless it was with his one close friend.

we rub along well and I’d say we’re happy together.

can I be honest… I think it depends on what you’re both like and your personalities. I don’t get lots of time with DH as he works late and we have very busy weekends and social life’s but when we do we have so much to chat about and catch up on . But I wonder if that’s because we’re not on top of each other and both of us lead very busy lives so there’s a lot to chat about. Whereas I have friends who are similar to you both, where they are together every evening so don’t have lots to say. Weekends - do you have a big social and lots on? I find a lot of our chat comes from the shared stuff we do and our social circle and friends- family events etc that seems so take a lot of our time.

so I don’t think it’s an unhappy marriage at all- it just depends what’s normal for you both

I think what you’re describing is typical of a lot of families. Your oldest is only 9, what are they doing from leaving school and bed? What do you do with your children at the weekend?

You haven’t mentioned at all the impact of their choices on their own children, whom are entirely reliant on their parents to explore, discover, learn to communicate and socialise properly.
This is more important than an adult’s ‘happiness’.

OP in your shoes I would put my foot down and designate 2 nights a week as “family nights”. Make it the same nights each week so it’s a set habit. These nights are for you and DH to spend quality time with DS. On these nights there will be NO gaming or phones at all until DS is in bed at 9pm. You can take it in turns to pick an activity to do together, be it a board game, a card game, DS showing you something, reading stories or watching a kids’ film together (and no going on your phone for you or DH during the movie).

If DH can’t commit to even this then I’d not bother with him anymore and start making plans to leave as this is honestly the bare minimum needed to bond as a family and make your children feel loved and part of a family unit (every night in our house is “family night” while the kids are young so 2 nights a week should be very easily doable).

he is a gaming addict and needs to break free from the gaming spell before it’s too late for your son.

Livingbytheocean.

I was answering the question does this sound like a happy marriage.

Yes, modeling good relationships to children is important but it's not the only way kids learn.

I grew up in a single parent household where there was no adult relationship to learn from, I've done alright.

I agree that adult happiness isn't everything, but that wasn't the original question.

He’s setting an awful example to your son

Do you talk about your shared interests? Ask him about his game? Tell him about your gym session? Talk about plans/trips/date nights? If not maybe start and see?

Only you can know if it’s a happy marriage but from the outside it sounds lonely and I get that phones etc take over but it’s usually because the other person is doing something themselves you distract yourself. I think the gaming can wait until he’s spent time with his older dc and you. was your dh ever involved with the kids at any point. He sounds like one himself if I’m being honest imagine how lonely your oldest feels up in his room the time will come when he prefers this but now you both should be spending time together with him. I feel sorry for you and dc even the younger one going to bed before dad gets home. He is definitely having his cake and eating it.