Does this sound like a happy marriage?

[nosywithabuttonnose]

Dh is a gamer and I have absolutely no interest in gaming.
We have a young child who goes to bed at 7 which is around when he gets home. He will then spend 2 hours gaming until our older child goes to bed and then we spend an hour or two together before bed.
I like to go to the gym which he has no interest in so I go a few times a week while he is gaming, on the days I don’t go I will sit on my phone besides him while he games and we’ll sit in silence immersed in what we’re doing.
At weekends he will often game for a while extra but then we’ll watch a family film or go out for a while.
I often find we sit in silence in the evening and don’t have a lot to talk about, his job is very samish and he works alone a lot so not much to come home and talk about and I’m at home with a small child doing small child things and housework so not much to talk about.

He seems perfect happy to game on his own and I enjoy going to the gym on my own but I worry if we’re drifting apart, we have no shared interests and nothing to talk about but we love each other and get each other, does this sound like a marriage than can work? We’ve been together over 10 years.

This is has been my argument but he says he doesn’t get home until nearly 7 and then only has two hours to unwind gaming and then he spends time with me before bed while eating and watching tv.

This type of marriage is not for me.

I find it really depressing to read. It's like you're co-existing. Your son needs to be talked to and included much more than he is. He'll just become more and more reliant on screens himself.

Your family life sounds lonely and a bit disjointed tbh. You don't all eat together or do anything together - you lead separate lives in the same house. Sounds like you need a chat and a reset before it goes too far. Idk family games night or movie night once a week? Date night actually out of the house once a month?

Are you happy with the way things are? It doesn’t sound like you’re drifting apart to me. You both have your own interests which is important but then you’ll spend an hour or two together before bed. You say at the weekend you’ll watch a family film together or all go out. Sounds ok to me. Just depends what you want though.

This is an awful example to set to your children as well. I know it's hard when you're in it OP but this sounds so miserable.

Assuming you ask him to change, OP...

If he agrees to change you would be in with a chance to fix your family situation. Win.

If he doesn't (or says he will but doesn't follow through), how would things be if you split up? He obviously doesn't add much practical help around the home, but how about financially? Could you manage if he moved out? If you could, you are in a strong position to lay out what changes you want if you are to stay in this marriage.

Not quite the point you are raising, by why isn’t your DH spending at least some of that time gaming with your older DC? My DH likes gaming and now our DC are 8 and 12 there are plenty of age appropriate games that are still interesting enough for adults that they can all play together (often DH and DS2 play as a team against DS1). Things like the sorts of games where you build civilisations or fight historical battles or whatever. It’s not an interest I personally share but it’s one the three of them share because my DH has taken the time to build up their interest. Also means he has a very close eye on what gaming they are doing and instilling safe gaming behaviour like not playing with strangers online, not giving out your personal details, etc.

On your actual question, it’s fine - indeed healthy - to have some different interests and spend some time chilling in your own way independently, but you do need to spend time together enjoying each other’s company, whether listening to music and chatting over a bottle of wine, watching a film together, or whatever.

The rudeness of your husband in not eating with the family is immense.
How does he demonstate healthy food choices and healthy interactions, conversations, respect for the children's news?

I love that every night my father sat down and proclaimed how great his meal was and wanted to hear all about our day, discuss politics and World issues, tell riddles, laugh at our retelling of schoolyard happenings etc.
How do your children get to know their father?
He is a very poor example of an adult.
Why do you accept such a husband?

Sounds like a miserable and boring existence to me. A bunch of people jus sitting around staring at screens for hours at a time.

I wouldn’t be happy in that marriage but I can only speak for myself. How old are you both? Have you been together a long time @nosywithabuttonnose?
I’ve known quite a few couples who were together from teenage years who have ‘grown up together but are unable to grow old together’ usually because the man stays in some kind of arrested adolescence while the woman grows up. Often they split and he has no problem being a functional adult with his next partner. It’s weird…

Taking a lazy gaming manchild on a date is the worst advice I have ever heard.

He makes the effort, he has to earn you sticking around.

Men need challenge and they get bored…that’s what you have here. You’re no challenge. Making all the effort and further mummying to get a man to give a shit, terrible advice 🤭

You sound like room mates. 🤷🏼‍♀️

“Only two hours to unwind”. And that’s before spending another hour with you. What on earth are his expectations? Work, cooking, laundry, cleaning, life admin, exercise, spending time with kids, helping with homework, bath time and bedtime. These aren’t all chores (eg exercise and bedtime stories are fun) but they aren’t time to sit and chill either. What functional adult bearing their share of the family load and holding down a full time job expects to get three hours of chilling out time every evening?!?!

It sounds bloody miserable to me. You all sit on your screens every night for two hours, then your DC goes to bed? Why can't you eat together, even if he has a toastie or a pizza, and then you do something as a family?

The eating issue is also about timing because the children can’t wait until 7 for dinner when he’s home and he doesn’t like homemade meals anyway. I like healthy meals and he won’t touch that so will pick at pizza or sandwiches, chocolate and crisps instead and we eat out as a family at the weekend.

The correct advice is that you pull away, in all ways. Watch him notice and come chase you.

TML ladies x

I would be very lonely in this kind of marriage. For us we tackle all the dinner bedtime kids stuff together work schedule allowing and then only once all that is done do we switch off either doing our own thing or spending time together. We actually game together. Playing games that we can either chat together whilst we play or the game is all about team work and communication like the game split fiction or it takes two. Lots of fun but appreciate you say you're not into gaming.

To me he sounds checked out and I would feel resentful that he wasn't being a equal partner in terms of interest planning and home/parenting work load.

Unwind- screen time. Couple time- screen time. This isn't how life should be. And what about time with your eldest?

Jeez, sounds like being married to a 12 year old.

So not only your DH obsessed with gaming your eldest DC is too. It's sad his Dad never finds time to take him out and play football with him or take your DC swimming or for a bike ride. I wouldn't tolerate it as it wouldn't suit me. I'd want more family time and more time for sport and being out in the fresh air. I certainly wouldn't be having a DC gaming for 2 hours every evening. He'll grow into a man just like your DH, negligent of his family.

"Only" two hours to unwind, plus another hour or two of watching TV before bed?! Does he realise that this is far more than most parents of young children get to "unwind" every night? I would not be happy at all if my DH was behaving like this. He should be eating with the rest of the family as a bare minimum.

I do feel lonely and disconnected but I’m not sure how to make things better.

You can't make it better while you're married to a man who seems to be stuck in teenage boy mode.

I would be absolutely miserable. It's like being married to under emotionally under-developed 13 year old. I wouldn't want my kids growing up thinking this is in any way a good way to live either. I think your H is a lost cause but you sound much more productive and well-rounded, so leave the gamer and live the life you want to live.