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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Does this sound like a happy marriage?

208 replies

nosywithabuttonnose · 08/04/2025 14:25

Dh is a gamer and I have absolutely no interest in gaming.
We have a young child who goes to bed at 7 which is around when he gets home. He will then spend 2 hours gaming until our older child goes to bed and then we spend an hour or two together before bed.
I like to go to the gym which he has no interest in so I go a few times a week while he is gaming, on the days I don’t go I will sit on my phone besides him while he games and we’ll sit in silence immersed in what we’re doing.
At weekends he will often game for a while extra but then we’ll watch a family film or go out for a while.
I often find we sit in silence in the evening and don’t have a lot to talk about, his job is very samish and he works alone a lot so not much to come home and talk about and I’m at home with a small child doing small child things and housework so not much to talk about.

He seems perfect happy to game on his own and I enjoy going to the gym on my own but I worry if we’re drifting apart, we have no shared interests and nothing to talk about but we love each other and get each other, does this sound like a marriage than can work? We’ve been together over 10 years.

OP posts:
Supersares · 09/04/2025 21:15

Hi OP

My DH is a gamer too and the one think I know is that serious gamers are addicted to gaming.

DH cannot go a whole day without gaming. I didn’t know about it until we lived together but boy do I know now. He’s a night owl so doesn’t mind playing late in the evening so that’s his time to do it.

I once asked him what he loves more, me or gaming and he hesitated before he said ‘you’ (may have done it jokingly, not sure though)

Is he playing violent game with the kids around?

I know where you’re coming from. Just ask if he can cut back abit so you can do things together..does he realise he’s even addicted?

lots of questions sorry!

Isthiswhatmenthink · 09/04/2025 21:28

FluffyChickenBehind · 08/04/2025 18:06

So, reading some of these comments, I'm going to try and be a bit more of a voice of reason here.

I am someone who enjoys gaming, as does my fiancé. I do understand that you don't and that's totally okay. But I do have experience with my fiancé gaming because he loves it, and we often end up playing different games from each other. Some people have said your husband is a 'loser' for gaming and frankly I think that's ridiculous.

Let me try and put context to this: My partner is also a programmer by day in a business that is currently expanding massively, so he has a whole lot of responsibilities that means he not only has to get up at 6am to get to work, he gets home sometimes as late as 6.30pm and during that time he is absolutely run off his feet putting out proverbial fires and having to do work that really tests his brain as he's making new apps/websites/networking etc. So when he comes back, he loves to cook, so he very kindly does this for us, and then if I don't jump in with 'let's play a board game' or 'let's watch a film' or some other activity, he will jump onto his favourite game and play it for the very few hours he has left in the evening just so he doesn't completely burn out. His favourite game is quite a passive brain-shut-off game, so it helps him relax and puts some order back into what usually are very chaotic and stressful days for him. If he doesn't game or actively take his mind off work, he ends up so stressed he often works late into the evening, sometimes I have even caught him up working later than 2am even when he has to get up in 4 hours. So I would much rather he does what he can to relax whilst work is as mad as it is for now!

Sometimes, there are days he simply cannot manage to do anything other than game even if I do suggest something, because there was something like a complete server meltdown where the company was being fined tens of thousands of pounds per minute the server was down and the CEO is freaking out all day, etc. etc. And I don't know exactly what your partner does but maybe some days are like that for him too. So don't let people make you jump to the conclusion that he's a loser or any other presumptuous things that have been said, because honestly that all sounds rather harsh. Your partner could be having an extremely tough time at work, and just not communicating that very well.

As a side note, I will ask if you, your DH or DC have ever been diagnosed with autism? It is really not something to be afraid of, as both I and my partner have the 'high functioning' kind, if you want to get into labels like that. I ask because a tendency to prefer gaming over other activities, as well as your partner's dislike of foods other than toasties and pizza does make me wonder if maybe there's something unaddressed here. It may be that your partner genuinely really struggles to eat what you feel is a healthy and balanced diet for you and your DC. This is something you could maybe look into and have a think about, though I wouldn't suggest immediately going out and confronting your partner about it as I have no idea if this is actually the case or not lol.

However, I will say, and this is my own presumption so feel free to correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like you are afraid to talk to him about how you feels and have reached out to us on the internet instead. That makes sense, because ultimately, you are asking us, 'does this sound happy', but you're asking us this because clearly this isn't what you wanted. So, there are a few things you can do from here.

First, you take the nuclear option and break up with this man immediately. I don't think, personally, you need to do that at this stage.

Secondly, you sit down and explain to him that you're really scared you're growing apart from each other. The way you do this is very important, you have to try and be as honest and open as you can, engaging with the fact you clearly care about your partner and their wellbeing, and also that you probably don't actually want to lose them. From here, if he's listening, you need to very carefully list the things that are bothering you and what would be happening in an ideal scenario for you. But when you do this, you have to be prepared he may need to say some things are also bothering him too about you. That could sting, but you've got to listen with as open mind as you can. If you both can't listen to each other and take on board what each other is saying at this point, it can mean you just shut down to each other which is not going to get either of you anywhere. You'll know if you've really reached him or not, I can guarantee that at least.

There are a few things that might go wrong here: Firstly, he (or you) emotionally totally shuts down and does not connect with you (or him) on any meaningful level. If this happens, he may not understand the gravity of what you're saying, OR he may understand it but be absolutely terrified about saying something wrong when he knows that could mean the end of the relationship. The best thing to do is to try again another time to have that conversation and see if he responds differently then, even though it might mean going into another room and screaming into a pillow in the meantime or whatnot. Secondly, it all gets incredibly emotional and you end up having a big fight. Not all is necessarily lost if that happens. Again, try again another time and try to remain cool and apologise in the mean time if needs be. 10 years is a long time, so there is obviously something that's keeping you together and I always say it's worth fighting for.

Thirdly, if you've tried a few times to talk and it just doesn't feel like it's working, couples therapy may be an option here. I would encourage you to be very picky here about your therapist and go to someone who specialises in 'attachment theory' (See 'Hold Me Tight' by Dr Sue Johnson if you like to read). If you don't like the therapist when you meet them, pick someone else until you do. And if you find no one you like, don't bother with it. A bad therapist is not better than no therapist.

To give you some more context and maybe some hope, I recently had a very traumatic time of having to move all the way down the country and then back up again to stop my very disabled mother from dying because of neglect from my awful, abusive family, who then essentially forced us to move away again having got me and my partner to sort out all my mother's care in the mean time. It was extremely tough on us both for the year we were down there, and took another whole year after moving out again for us to get back into the swing of things now. During that time there were a lot of moments where we just simply were not connecting to each other and separate games/activities from each other. We were simply too exhausted to talk sometimes and silly things turned into big arguments (like buying a new washing machine lol). At points, we were barely even hugging each other anymore. I really did think we were going to split. But ultimately, I really didn't want to lose him, so after quite a few conversations (some angry, some upset, some a lot more calm), we started working out what needed to be done and make steps to fix it. In my case, it meant I finally put an end to being in any way financially or legally tied to my toxic family, and I also got personal therapy for some of the stuff I'd gone through with them all. He switched jobs from a place that was totally taking advantage of him financially and made a bigger effort to give me more physical affection when he gets back from work. We keep a close eye on his current job and I'm ready to step in now to support him if he needs to walk away from this place too. We also set aside Sunday evenings for us time now, and all of these things really helped.

The most important thing was we made it clear to each other how much we meant to each other, and how scary it was to think we might lose each other. He does still go and play games solo every so often like I say, but we nearly always sit and eat together, and we make time to do things like go out even just to the garden centre and get a coffee every so often, or recently we explored somewhere outside we'd never been to before which basically just cost our fuel and time. Even more recently, we've started sitting out in the garden and having tea together on the weekend mornings. Something I really like is every time he gets up to go to work he gives me a big hug and kiss and tells me how much he loves me before he heads out. Like I say, it's taken time to get back into the swing of things, but I am really glad I took that time instead of giving up. I truly hope that is the same for you.

Good luck and best wishes whatever you ultimately end up doing :)

This was very long.

Gaming is not healthy.

Snoken · 09/04/2025 21:43

Isthiswhatmenthink · 09/04/2025 21:28

This was very long.

Gaming is not healthy.

Agreed! And ignoring your wife and children in favour of gaming every night of the week is not healthy. It's an addiction at that point. If he wanted a life where he goes to work and spend all his free-time gaming then he had no business creating a family. I see that they spend a little time away from the TV too but I doubt OP or the kids feel that is where he wants to be. He wants to be in front of that TV.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 09/04/2025 21:44

Him gaming you reading/gymmimg I think is fine so long as you’re both happy. Him not eating with you and gaming every night while the kids are still up is rubbish parenting though and sounds like he’s not involved with the kids at all?

WhiteJasmin · 09/04/2025 23:01

There's several problems that I see here:

  1. Him not role modelling for his kids what is a good father figure, family is. The kids will accept this is what is "normal" when they seek out future relationships.
  2. He doesn't sound like he's helping much around the house.
  3. The gaming to unwind is an excuse. We all work but as a parent you don't get the luxury of coming home and having 2 hours to yourself with no kids. He's not even interacting with the toddler or his 9 year old. He sounds like he has a gaming addiction and should go to therapy and do a screen detox.

If you don't resolve this, it's not a healthy relationship for all involved.

Laurmolonlabe · 09/04/2025 23:09

Well this wouldn't suit me- I am in a very long term relationship, but we do try to do things together, and we always endeavour to spend as much time together as possible. I would definitely look into trying to find an interest in common so you can spend more time together.

JudithOx · 10/04/2025 02:29

This is very sad, especially for the children. Everything in this scenario is depressing. A child that spends two hours on the screen while the parents do the same? How about board games for all of you? Aren't you worried about your child becoming addicted to games or screens? You must introduce changes now, for the sake of the children, and both of you.

Honestly, you should be more worried about the kids than your marriage. You seem to have a 9-year-old who risks becoming addicted to screens or gaming, a toddler, and a teenager (your husband). Gaming for two hours? Not having dinner with you all, and then having pizza or a toastie by himself?
Gosh. There is a lot to change here, and you should have a serious discussion with him. Please look out for your children.

laraitopbanana · 10/04/2025 07:39

cramptramp · 08/04/2025 14:29

Do you have babysitters so you can go for nights out together?

That!

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