Does this sound like a happy marriage?

[nosywithabuttonnose]

Dh is a gamer and I have absolutely no interest in gaming.
We have a young child who goes to bed at 7 which is around when he gets home. He will then spend 2 hours gaming until our older child goes to bed and then we spend an hour or two together before bed.
I like to go to the gym which he has no interest in so I go a few times a week while he is gaming, on the days I don’t go I will sit on my phone besides him while he games and we’ll sit in silence immersed in what we’re doing.
At weekends he will often game for a while extra but then we’ll watch a family film or go out for a while.
I often find we sit in silence in the evening and don’t have a lot to talk about, his job is very samish and he works alone a lot so not much to come home and talk about and I’m at home with a small child doing small child things and housework so not much to talk about.

He seems perfect happy to game on his own and I enjoy going to the gym on my own but I worry if we’re drifting apart, we have no shared interests and nothing to talk about but we love each other and get each other, does this sound like a marriage than can work? We’ve been together over 10 years.

This happened to me so I do understand you.

You would be better to walk, there are men out there who will make you feel like the queen you are.

You should never have to beg for a man to behave decent. It’s no accident that they become this way, it’s because they don’t need to put effort in anymore. Especially after they lock a woman down with children and a ring.

So if you can be bothered with a dopamine addict (that’s actually what he is)

Remove your energy completely, dont do what he expects (like come home from the gym to spend time with him)

Find men who want to talk to you (that really pisses them off)

Make yourself feel beautiful in all ways. Complete self focus. You don’t need his attention anymore. Forget about him.

Keep at it with pulling your energy away, he’ll reciprocate your silence at first (this can last for months) sometimes just out of spite..then one day he’ll sense something’s really off and move toward you. Do not relent.

Even when he makes an effort (which he eventually will) do not relent. Give him little rewards, not too much.

Good luck 🍀

Reading you say “ he wouldn’t come off his game to play with us” is so sad OP. Sorry but that’s not a good dad, is it? Christ. Your poor kids will be able to feel that their dad is more bothered about spending time on his game than with them. Selfish prick.

He’s also teaching your son that it’s normal to disengage from meaningful connections in real life and instead game for hours. I’ve no issue with gaming unless it interferes with healthy family dynamics and in your case it massively is.

You and your son can’t even have fun watching something funny together because his dad is hogging the TV for the entire evening? Doesn’t it make you angry? Why does he get the final say? It’s your house too.

You sound lost and depressed and I’m not surprised. Not a good dad. Not a good partner.

Dont underestimate the impact on your children of watching parents who don’t interact with affection (or even get a ‘hello’ when one of them comes home) and kindness and warmth. You are both teaching them that this is what a healthy relationship looks like. And it doesn’t.

What is his job? Is he ND ( sorry, they do love being online or being focused into something happening all the time )

Wouldn't be my sort of family life but times have changed since my family were young so maybe this is the way now, do you feel happy with this arrangement?

You guys sit like strangers stuck in a waiting room together. There's no connection or communication.

I think a start would be eating together on your mutual days off. Is there an activity your son is interested in doing one day a week?

Your husband sounds like a single guy, he works and goes home and games.

No, the disconnect here is not something seen in a happy marriage.

He sounds very much like he is living a bachelor life, coming in from work and gaming for a couple of hours (whilst ignoring wife and children) and eating pizza and toasties

My husband works late hours on a computer. In day time does his evening work prep on it. Sounds like he is online or screen glued a lot and he is but not gaming. So we use the weekend to be a family which actually talks and go out on day trips. Do you take day trips with the kids, does he play with them sports, take them out or play at home with them, does he teach them something or is it always you. He does not like cooked food? He is ND

Read a book called Ho tactics by GL Lambert

This is how men think. Hope it helps because it’s miserable watching you all put up with these men

If you had no kids and you were happy with it, fine. But he's not spending any time with his children!! What is he, 12?

I live by that book. It works.

My partner works very very hard for me now

🤭

No way would I buy a book referring g to women as Hos! Ffs

You should do these things . Don't ask him to do them .
Maybe he will see you having fun with your kids having a bbq or out for nice walks and then join in .
I understand this hobby is his go to thing to relax but it's also a habit and if he snaps out of it then maybe he will be more open to other things.
It sounds very boring.
Also if you have the space I would get his Xbox out of the living room and somewhere else .
Him dominating that space is to much every day

This sounds really boring for you, and pretty miserable for your 9yo that his dad isn’t showing any interest in him. Maybe you could try setting one evening a week for the 3 of you to do something together after the toddler is in bed.

This sounds really depressing and soulless to me.

We have two DC, we eat together and chat with no screens every night. If one of us is back a bit late we'll still sit at the table and chat.

We'll then typically either play, chat, or watch a show together then read with our children one on one before they go to bed.

At weekends we might go to the park, woods, bike ride, walk together.

Then carry on with your day whilst your husband pays a woman for a picture of her feet or bin lovey. You do you.

This is for the women who want to learn

What job does he do that he needs two hours of wind down time every day?! No one I know has that.

Does your older son do sports, swimming wtc anything outside the house? Does he have friends over etc? It sounds so sad for your sons that their father thinks nothing of them, cant even be bothered to engage with them. Does he talk to older son about school etc? As people have said two hours gaming on whatever on his own is a boring lifestyle for your oldest. Do ur kids go to parks, beaches, football, museums, swimming anything with their dad? And you?

I am sorry but I honestly wouldnt say you have a real marriage from your description, I'd say you have a lodger in the house who appears to have very little actual interest or involvement in you other than very minimally when it suits him and similarly the two kids. You, but more importantly given their young age your kids, deserve and need way better than this.

I wish you the best and hope you can change your lives for you and kids benefit.

It would be fine for some people - plenty of people are fine just hanging out together and while also doing their own thing. But it's clear that it's not fine for you, and you have every right to feel the way you do.

Most evenings DP and I are in the same room doing different things. Although there are some things on TV that we watch together, mostly one of us is watching something while the other reads/uses their iPad/does hobby related stuff, or we're both doing different things. However - we're happy with that and we still talk a lot and do stuff together. We eat together whenever we're both home, we eat out, we go to things together - theatre, gigs, exhibitions, days out etc.

Some of us have really nice partners / husbands we have fun with, consider to be our best mates as well as people we really fancy, who do lots for us and our kids and make us happy… without needing to buy a book for them to treat us nicely. Weird flex that you’re with a man you needed to train to treat you decently, that doesn’t make you or your relationship superior, it means the opposite!

We have the occasional date night but it’s usually at home, our older child will go upstairs and watch a film in bed

I promise I'm not trying to pick on you but how often is your 9yo alone with a screen in his room? Apart from the usual concerns, he's very young to be starting the habit of spending chunks of time alone with a screen when he sees his dad using that as the only form of relaxation... I'd be worried you'll have the same issue with your DS.

I agree but OP says she is happy! That is the point I am trying to make. It doesn’t matter how I would live my life (not with a gaming DH BTW) if she is truly happy how are strangers judging her marriage based on their own expectations going to help? OP says she is happy. Who I am I to judge her?

If I was being kind I'd say that I appreciate that when kids come along, you take any opportunity you can for a little bit of whatever you think of as fun, as it's a bloody slog otherwise. So you'd be grateful for 30 mins of opportunity to game or watch TV or whatever before having to see to the baby or tend to the next 3000 chores or get some sleep.

Sometimes you don't get out of this 'I need me-time' mindset in order to start thinking of the bigger picture - I've actually got a bit of free time, what's the best way of using it for long-term benefit? What can we do as a family?

Do you think you have slipped into this rut or do you think it's an active choice and your DH would still prioritise hours of gaming if he looked at the bigger picture?
You don't seem like you have much in common - what are your common interests, what did you do before kids?

Do you do any family things all together on the weekend?

This would be a good time to have a bonding family hobby or interest outside the house eg hiking, train trips, visiting relatives, museums, the park etc

Yes I have to say I agree with this. He's modelling that 'alone with a screen' is how you relax. Do your DC not do any clubs or sports?

After getting close to 30 years together DH and I can still talk loads from the domestic to serious stuff to chatting absolute shit.

We have many matching long term hobbies, hiking, gaming, cycling, current affairs, investing and dark humour that some would find offensive. He does love watching football which I will but not so much so I just do stuff for me at that point.

DH and I had a bit of a scrap about the Welsh referendum which in a round about way led to our first date. So many thanks to the people of Wales for that.

What made you get together and what did you have in common?

Sounds boring overall.