To think some newborns are ‘easier’ than others or am I just a shit mum!

[anonny55]

Dm always goes on about how easy she found newborns etc. I’m struggling a lot! When I tell dm he’s not as easy as some other newborns I know she says there’s no such thing and 1 baby can’t be worse than another as there all baby’s. I believe there all different which can impact how easy parents can find it.
For example my 6 week old has never slept longer than a 1hr30 stretch in his next to me crib so far. So I’m constantly up soothing putting him back down etc. he also has milk every 2-3hrs through the day and night still which he wakes for.
My friend has a 4 week old and she said she’s pleasantly surprised and finding it quite easy, her baby has milk every 4-5hrs and sleeps fine in his next to me crib and will go straight back down after he wakes for milk.

Ds sleeps in his crib for around 30 mins a time on average before he’s awake and wants picking up. It’s so draining. Yet my mother invalidates how hard I’m finding it as apparently I slept through the night pretty quick and was rather content being in my crib.

I feel like the only mother who has a baby like this and I must just be doing a shit job!

Of course YANBU. Hugs, because I've been there and it's shit. Just be confident in yourself because people will always have something to say!

My mum said I slept through the night from the start, but back then the advice she got was to put them to bed and 7pm and leave them alone all night and get them up at 7am. So no i probably didn't sleep through the night from the start but she wasn't going in to me anyway.

You're absolutely not a shit mum!

Several of my friends have had babies that don't sleep and cluster feed, its hell but it will get easier and you will come through it.

Ignore your saintly mother in law and anyone else like her. You don't need that unhelpful crap in your life right now.

You aren’t doing a shit job firstly.

DM told me I was quite hard work as I woke up every two hours and took an hour to drink lol I loved my milk. (Said in jest!)

DD had colic /reflux so cried five hours straight, then fell asleep for hours. Got her on solids as soon as I could!

All babies are different and so are parents.

Of course some babies are easier and some are more difficult. Some babies are generally very uncomfortable with colic or reflux or allergies or are holding tension from birth.
Is your partner taking baby at all or you have anyone else who can help?
I remember neither of mine would sleep in the next to me, they didn’t mind the Moses basket but where happiest in bed with me but I was terrified of co sleeping first time around until she was much bigger.

My first baby was so easy, slept brilliantly, fed well and was generally a joy. My second baby was totally different, they did not sleep well at all and rarely for an extended period of time, they did not feed easily and were generally more needy. They couldn't have been more different, your mum is talking shit. It does get easier though OP, hang in there!

Hands down some babies are easier than others. I had a really unhappy baby (colic, reflux, feeding issues) and I used to cry seeing my friends just getting on with baby classes while mine screamed in the corner. She’s now a lovely toddler and I’m finding these years so much easier because the newborn years were terrible. I think it’s very easy to forget how dark those early days can be, and generally what I’ve found is the older generation left their children to cry overnight so it wasn’t that they didn’t cry but they lived in blissful ignorance. 6 weeks is very early as well, you’re definitely not doing a shit job and sound like a wonderful mum

I've been there. YANBU. All babies are different.

One baby could have reflux or CMPA or tongue tied and another might have none of those.

One might be EBF and another bottle-fed, that usually impacts on the frequency of feeds/length of time between feeds.

No two babies are the same.

They're all exhausting. You're doing a good job.

Your mums memories are 30/40 years old so she has rose tinted glasses.

and of course some babies are easier than others!

keep doing what you’re doing xxx

Of course all babies are different. Someone will be on here soon to tell you they had twins that were completely different as babies. You’re not doing it wrong op, don’t doubt yourself.

Of course babies are different. Your mum is wrong & you're doing a great job.
I honestly believe that babies are born with a sort of personality/temperament immediately and there's only so much you can do to influence that as some aspect is just innate.

You've go to do what works for you & your baby because other peoples babies will be different & the older generation & even people with kids but out of the baby stage do not remember their situation reliably!
Try not to compare yourself too much to others but find comfort in the differences if it helps you.
There's lots of factors that will determine whether a baby is 'easier/harder' and part of that is also your personality and how you cope with different things (eg I have a friend who cannot cope with lack of sleep at all, whereas I don't find that part debilitating)
A baby with colic is likely to be harder than one without, a baby who wants to be held a lot could be considered harder than one that's happy to lay in their own space etc.
What you are experiencing is relatively normal for a lot of people though, its kind of the average but there are always outliers to that of course.
Don't let your mum make you feel bad, take a step back and don't share too much if its not helping you. Try to find some mum groups with babies the same age as sometimes the fact people are going through the same thing as you really helps.

I can't stand smug parents who think their easy newborn is down to their superior skills, and not mostly luck of the draw. They oddly change their tune if their subsequent babies aren't so easy.... Carry on looking after your baby with the care that they need, it will get better.

With respect, you mum is talking absolute rubbish. Please don't let her feel like you are doing a bad job with these type of unhelpful comments.

When my son was a baby, he was a difficult baby as he had reflux and would not take naps or drink milk properly, he was hungry and tired constantly and we were all exhausted. Whereas other mums would tell me thier newborn was taking 3 hour naps and feeding like a dream.

Things got better from around 8 months and the tables turned for some of those mums who had an 'easy' newborn, now facing different challenges , whereas at this point my child was sleeping great (and continues to do so 5 years later 😃 )

You are not a terrible mum, just hang in there and hopefully it will start to get easier.

YANBU! You are not a shit mum.

My first was such an intense child that it took me 8 years to before I dared trying to conceive a second one.

She is now a lovely 8 year old, still a bit more intense than most children but it's more manageable. She only started to sleep properly when she was 4 years old, the lack of sleep nearly broke me.

People who say stuff like this have no idea how lucky they are.

Your DM is not being helpful! Babies are all different as newborns, toddlers, school age etc. My two were soo different and my DGD is also not the same as they were as a newborn.
You are absolutely not a shit Mum. Your own Mum is actually being a bit shitty by making you feel like this with her unhelpful comments.
Are you able to tell your Dm how she is making you feel or would that be a very difficult conversation?

Just had my 4th and she’s been the easiest so far. All babies are different, you’re doing amazing, just keep swimming!

Some babies are easy and some are very hard. I've had two babies who were both hard in different ways. My youngest is two and it's a relief. I wished his baby years away but I am so so glad that it's over now 🙃 My friend currently has a baby who is a content little angel in comparison. I find myself asking if she is more in tune to her baby than I was and all this silliness when the fact is babies are all individual with different needs. It's crap when everyone else seems to be getting an easier time of it. You'll have heard it a million times but this stage will be in the rearview mirror sooner than you realise. You will make it to the otherside. Tell your mum that you need her support just now not comparisons.

Another one agreeing that all babies are different. My first was a text book baby and of course I was so smug. That was before I had my nightmare twins! It's all luck of the draw.

Yes they are all different.

some are easy. Some are not!

I'm sure you're doing a brilliant job! Some babies are definitely 'easier' than others.

Mine refused to sleep yesterday and I was literally crying hearing about 3 solid naps a day from another mother.
It's a phase, everything is a phase! They will grow up, they will sleep through the night and they will eat less often. Bon courage!

Yes, they absolutely are all different, you are not a shit mum.

Had two girls who never so much as made a peep. Had a son who had colic, who would cry every night between the hours of 11pm until 2am until 13 weeks and was like a waking zombie as a result.

Yes they definitely are all different. Our first baby was a pretty average baby and when we finally got him 'sleeping through' DP confidently told me that she'd learnt that 'sleeping through' actually means 5 hours, so that's all that anyone else was getting when they said they got a full night. DS2 slept for 10 hours pretty much from birth, to the point that the health visitor told us to wake him up for a feed (which we did about twice before deciding to just enjoy our lovely big sleeps). It's just luck.

They are all different, its got nothing to do with parenting, I had a very easy baby who slept through after 6 weeks, I used to have to wake him up for feeds which he wasn't well pleased about.
I didn't have any more, I knew the next one would be Satan.
I was exactly the same apparently, my siblings were different, middle one was hellish and never slept for three years, whilst the younger one was like me and DS.
Luck of the draw.

Of course all babies are different but looking back now the issues I had with my first child and sleeping were of my own making and I learned lessons from that for my second

It wasn't that I was a shit mum but I could have done much better, dont automatically assume there aren't any better ways to do things

Did we have the same baby boy?? Hahah this was exactly my experience. Zombie mum.

They differ, but so do our preferences, abilities to deal with/tolerate different things, and expectations.

By expectations, I mean that to me a 90 minute stretch in a next2me crib doesn't sound that bad. It's not great, but it's kind of what babies do. Equally for feeding every 2-3 hours. Frankly, as older kids, they still 'feed' every 2-3 hours (meals and snacks etc), and you've got to put more thought into what to give them than just being milk.

But I'm suited to newborns, less so to the whirlwind that is toddler hood (fun but exhausting). Others find newborns hard.

And yes, some are easier/harder than others. My first was a lot easier than my second (woke hourly from 6-18m) and was a v colicky newborn.

Think of it like a group of people starting a new job. Gill might like working with the customers but finds the IT side hard. Tom is an IT whiz but struggles with timekeeping. Sarah finds it all fine, which is irritating, and Sally is struggling with the newness of it all, but once she gets upto speed she'll be amazing.

Having a baby is no different, except that your babies are unique and have they own challenges as well. Then throw in differing support networks, differing recoveries from birth etc, and is it any wonder your experiences vary?

Just because you find this bit hard doesn't mean you aren't, and won't be an amazing mum. That's like thinking the first 100m of a marathon will determine the outcome.