To think some newborns are ‘easier’ than others or am I just a shit mum!

[anonny55]

Dm always goes on about how easy she found newborns etc. I’m struggling a lot! When I tell dm he’s not as easy as some other newborns I know she says there’s no such thing and 1 baby can’t be worse than another as there all baby’s. I believe there all different which can impact how easy parents can find it.
For example my 6 week old has never slept longer than a 1hr30 stretch in his next to me crib so far. So I’m constantly up soothing putting him back down etc. he also has milk every 2-3hrs through the day and night still which he wakes for.
My friend has a 4 week old and she said she’s pleasantly surprised and finding it quite easy, her baby has milk every 4-5hrs and sleeps fine in his next to me crib and will go straight back down after he wakes for milk.

Ds sleeps in his crib for around 30 mins a time on average before he’s awake and wants picking up. It’s so draining. Yet my mother invalidates how hard I’m finding it as apparently I slept through the night pretty quick and was rather content being in my crib.

I feel like the only mother who has a baby like this and I must just be doing a shit job!

she had iugr and baby was born tiny at 4lb something.. I wonder if that’s why he doesn’t drink as much🧐 my baby was born 9lb6 and now he’s 14lb7!! He’s a hungry piggy🥰

All babies are different and even siblings can have wildly different temperaments.

You are in your fourth trimester. Your baby doesn't know that he's a separate person from you, which is why he wants to be with/on you all the time. You are his whole world. He can't tell the difference between being safe in a crib for a nap and being abandoned forever, so please give him that comfort. It gets better and passes sooner than you think, although it feels never ending when you're in the thick of it.

My DS is only 23 months but the newborn phase is already a blur. I have 2 memories that stick out for me:

• being in the car when he was crying and wouldn't stop and having a panic attack, thinking we'd made a mistake and should never have had a baby.
• hearing his first giggle in the bath when he was 10 weeks old (a rogue event, but repeated for a while after) and thinking it had all been worth it just for that moment.

Oh and your mother is a cunt. HTH.

My mum always says if she’d had my sister first she’d be an only child. I was a dream and slept through from the start. My sister was a wailing sleepless colicky bag of waaah. Babies are different

Of course all babies are different, my first would feed so slowly for an hour go back to sleep for and hour then back up to slowly feed again, by six weeks old he’d finally go back for two hours, I was actually so pleased about that 🤣 I remember thinking what was I doing so wrong and every “tip” mums would tell me didn’t work he had his routine and that was that lol thankfully my next two were fantastic eaters and sleepers. Same mum, same parenting style different babies. Your doing amazing don’t forget to remind yourself everyday your an amazing mum and even if the housework etc doesn’t get done and you’ve been nap trapped all day, your baby has has a great day having cuddles with you and that’s all that matters x

You are not a shit mum whatsoever! DD (my only -had two miscarriages afterwards) was such an easy baby right from newborn. All of my two sisters babies (4 of them) have been very hard work. It’s the luck of the draw. They’ve completed their families now and have managed to cope. My DD started to present with PDA type autism at the age of 7, now 13 and it’s been a nightmare. Easy babies do not always stay easy. Lone parent, it’s unbelievably hard since she started school refusing and physically attacking me, that’s gone on for years.

I've got 4. Some are most definitely more difficult than others, it's nothing you are doing wrong!! They each have stages where they are "easier" and take a lot more work.

Midwife here. Newborns are already born with their character and traits. Some are placid and come out with a lot of "patience" (i.e. will wait patiently after showing feeding cues for the mum to get ready, and will be settled while they try to latch at the breast) while others are born with less patience and will cry at the slightest thing, will scream in frustration if the mum takes more than 3 seconds to put them to the breast once they start showing feeding cues and will get frustrated and go completely frantic if they cannot latch themselves immediately. Some are happy to sleep at the cot and others will not settle unless they are in someone's arms, and some others will need constant rocking and singing to settle.

Some react to new things with curiosity, others with fear. Some will be very good at latching naturally and others won't latch and suck even if you shove the breast in their mouths and hold it there. This is all innate because we are all difference.

Then, on top of that, you have the uterine environment and the circumstances of the birth. A baby born by normal birth with a short pushing stage in the water has a much better start at life than a baby who gets stuck in the birth canal after 30 hours of labour and 2 hours of pushing, and is born after a failed ventouse and forceps. They will be stressed and sore.

Then you have the type of parents and the circumstances they are in. You may have a very placid parent, but who has spent 25 hours in labour and ended with a traumatic emergency cesarean, so their parenting abilities are severely affected. Or you may have a very anxious parent who struggles to manage the easiest baby.

Babies are very different, and anyone who has had more than one, or who works with newborns, knows this.

Every baby is different. My son started crying at 2 weeks and didn't stop for almost 2 years waking up every 2 hours due to gerds no matter what I did. My daughter slept through the night at 6 weeks like a mini angel and has been a great sleeper her whole life. Same parents, same food, same upbringing but very different babies.

Whoever says there is no difference is either insane or in denial. Even the Dr told me babies do what babies want to do and they all come out their own person. You are doing great, hang in there. I think the first six months are the most brutal but it does get easier and is worth it ❤️

OP your post has taken me right back to DS’ newborn days. There were some really hellish times! You are a brilliant mum and your own mum is a bit cr*p for making you feel bad rather than supporting you.

my DS was like yours - never ever happy, hated the next to me, hated the pram, hated the car seat. It was so so hard and I felt for ages like we’d made a huge mistake in having him. He’s now 3 and while intense, he is so much fun and has been a fantastic sleeper since we sleep trained him at 6 months. He’s also totally fine in the car seat and buggy!

things will get better. For me things improved drastically at 6 months and then again when he could walk and again once he could talk enough to communicate what is wrong. You are doing a fab job, just hold on in there!

Your Mum can't actually remember shit. she's just looking back with rose tinted glasses. You have to stop comparing your baby to other people's and stop thinking he is difficult and there is something wrong with him. This is 100% typical baby behaviour. People who have sleepy babies that sleep in the cot for long stretches are the outliers. Look up the fourth trimester. The baby still thinks it is part of your body, so it never wants to be separated.

Go easy on yourself. Maybe join a wrap meet where you can figure out a type of baby carrier that would work for you, and carry your baby around. My baby would have never slept longer than 30mins on his own at that age. All his naps were contact naps. Let yourself fall into it and soak up the snuggles. It does get better. By 12 weeks the meltdowns should subside. I wish someone would have told me that they can only really be awake for 40 mins before they might meltdown. A baby carrier will really help you.

My baby slept in the bed with me. It was planned and done safely and was the only way I could get some sleep. I mastered giving him the side boob, so neither of us needed to wake up. Then the side boob technique helped him to nap independently because I would side boob him to sleep in my bed then roll away.

Also, I read an article the other day about a link between the pill and post natal depression. Maybe have a google.

Don’t listen to your mum she’s wrong.

my first baby was like yours, never wanted to be put down.

Then I had an easier second baby. I didn’t do anything differently. Some babies are just way harder

Of course some babies are harder than others. Both of mine were super chilled and I knew it. (We did have SOME struggles with them and I had 2 close together because my 1st was comparatively easy.) I'd turn up to a baby class and my firstborn would be passed out on my lap each time. The other mothers had never seen him awake and would talk about sleeping and feeding issues that I just didn't have (at that time) even though I wasn't doing anything different to them.

You won't be doing anything wrong if you're trying and talking to others. You'll just have a more challenging baby.

It's not you, it's the baby!

My first child was horrendously difficult as a newborn and it's any wonder I had more DCs, I think I thought they couldn't be any worse.

He didn't sleep more than an hour at a time, woke up screaming, cried every time I put him down, cried as soon as his nappy needed changing, hated his nappy being changed, had colic and problems breastfeeding and then bottle feeding. Of course he did!

Everything that could be a problem was, he was a very uncomfortable intolerant baby.

Everything I did felt wrong, I was hugely sleep deprived and constantly felt like the worse mother, even though he didn't settle any better for anyone else either.

'm sorry your mother is invalidating you, it's not your fault and it does get better!

Some babies are just absolute grouches and don't know what they want 😂

I've had two and one was a dream breastfed easily, slept loads and was very easily cheered up.

The other one just was so difficult. Didn't sleep, crotchety, cried loads.

As long as you're trying then you're amazing.

Your mum must be so well rested by now that she can come round and let you go off for a massage.

As she's such a marvel she'll clean your oven at the same time.

When you have a newborn getting dressed and keeping everyone alive is a massive achievement. You're da bomb.

This is so interesting! Thank you!

A couple of friends and myself have two adult children each. One is easy and sunny the other is awkward and prickly.

We were saying the awkward ones were harder work from day one.

Yes! I had two very easy babies I thought I was the bloody baby whisperer. My third very quickly humbled me. Basically it’s 95% dependent on the baby’s personality and generally people who think they have all the answers just had easy babies.

My first was like yours. My next much easier - different world.
Lots of people don’t understand the torture of lack of sleep.

My baby was easy, i knew it was just luck

As a toddler she is much harder work than her peers. I know it's just bad luck🤣

I think we’re programmed to forget the newborn stage so that humans carry on reproducing. Both of my babies were pretty good sleepers from 12 weeks onwards but I hated the newborn stage especially with my first (difficult birth, problems feeding etc). My second was placid by day but got very easily overwhelmed. If she wasn’t in a darkened room and sleeping by 7pm she would scream like a banshee for 3/4 hours until she’d exhaust herself. I ended up needing a very strict routine re awake times for that one as she couldn’t cope at all being over tired.

I believe like adults, that babies have their own individual temperaments, personalities and preferences from birth. My DS always needed more sleep than my DD, even as newborns. My DS would always nap in a sleeping bag in a cot for so long in the afternoons as a toddler that I’d have to wake him. Whereas my DD at a much younger age learnt how to undo her sleeping bag and climb out of her cot. No way she’d nap in there with the bars off, so me & my DS used to walk her round the park in her pushchair to get her to nap. They approached learning how to walk completely differently, how to ride a bike differently, all sorts of things.

Not all babies are the same, you’re doing a great job- hang in there! You will get more sleep in time, promise 😊

Oh the nappy changes. Don’t get me started. I’m embarrassed to change him in a public toilet, the stares I get when I’m finished and walk out with him - because everyone can hear him and they must wonder wtf I’m doing!😅

it was especially delightful when I fed him in the car the other day and he shit all down my leg. It was everywhere. And I had to walk into Tesco covered in shit, with a baby who was also covered in shit😆

My DH has adhd and my midwife had 3 boys with adhd. She said there is 80% chance that if a parent has adhd and the baby is a boy , they will also have adhd. I wonder if he does and it could be related to that. Would it even show this early. Who knows I’m just looking for any answer at this point!

DD1 my first and a velcro baby found out much much later has inattentive adhd.

I think DS also liked to be held all the time- but felt easier as could pass to others to hold - DD1 was mostly just me - plus was used to constantly carry a baby by then and was used to co-sleeping.

They were also very early with sound and texture senstivity. So could be that - though for us it's all looking back and going hmm but suspect colic and slient reflux were also issues.

You still have to get though the days - and frankly it's just helpful when family decide it must be you doing something wrong rather than it's just one of those things.

Oh absolutely. I've had two and one was so much easier than the other. I remember with my first, seeing friends who also had new babies and wondering how they had their hair or makeup done, as my baby just wouldn't let me put him down to do things like that! Then with my second I understood, she was so much more chilled than my first (maybe that was because I was?) and I was able to do those sort of things. Definitely depends on the baby I think. My first does sleep now he's older, the sleep does come back I promise!

My first was like yours - never slept. He was a tiny baby and very colicky- if he was awake he was either screaming or feeding. Vomited up buckets after every feed then hungry for more. Breast fed for 40 minutes at a time until my nipples were bleeding. Napped for 30-40 minutes some days and 90 minutes the next day - impossible to get into a routine. Cluster fed for hours at the end of the day and never went more than 2 hours through the night without screaming.

My second would feed for about 10 minutes then nap for 2-3 hours. He slept through after a couple of months. Never sick, barely even any spit-up.

Yes, some babies are definitely easier than others!

How rude! It was certainly the norm to put babies into bed and leave them to sleep in peace but if they woke up and were in any way distressed then someone would be there for them! One reads so much about babies who won't settle or sleep on this site but then that these babies are usually constantly in a room with someone else, this being this week's advice, just like putting babies to sleep on their front was advice forty years ago. My two never slept in the same room as us and they both slept well unless they were teething etc., every little noise a baby makes isn't a cry.
To answer the OP's concerns, some babies sleep better than others, as in every aspect of development there will be differences.