To think some newborns are ‘easier’ than others or am I just a shit mum!

[anonny55]

Dm always goes on about how easy she found newborns etc. I’m struggling a lot! When I tell dm he’s not as easy as some other newborns I know she says there’s no such thing and 1 baby can’t be worse than another as there all baby’s. I believe there all different which can impact how easy parents can find it.
For example my 6 week old has never slept longer than a 1hr30 stretch in his next to me crib so far. So I’m constantly up soothing putting him back down etc. he also has milk every 2-3hrs through the day and night still which he wakes for.
My friend has a 4 week old and she said she’s pleasantly surprised and finding it quite easy, her baby has milk every 4-5hrs and sleeps fine in his next to me crib and will go straight back down after he wakes for milk.

Ds sleeps in his crib for around 30 mins a time on average before he’s awake and wants picking up. It’s so draining. Yet my mother invalidates how hard I’m finding it as apparently I slept through the night pretty quick and was rather content being in my crib.

I feel like the only mother who has a baby like this and I must just be doing a shit job!

You’re not a shit mum! And respectfully to your DM, her last experience of raising a newborn was what, at least a couple of decades ago if not more! Time really does change memories and I wouldn’t pay her too much attention. You either need to Grey rock it “ok Mum” or say “I’m glad I was an easy newborn, it’s a shame DC didn’t inherit that because they’re not sleeping very much and it’s draining!”

I had a baby who slept fairly well quite early on and I never ever mentioned it when other mums from my NCT group were talking about struggling with sleep. I just think it’s not helpful.

You’re not doing anything wrong and friends with newborns are also probably not sharing the stuff they’re finding tough.

Depends too on your partner
Mine was brilliant. Absolute textbook stuff. 50/50 on childcare, nights etc from day 1. Actually he does more nights than me now as he really functions better on less sleep than me.
My friend’s partner was another story and left her to it. Needless to say she had a bad time of the baby phase.

In the nicest possible way your mother is an idiot. Some people get very lucky and then they rather smugly believe it was all their own doing or that babies are easy. Please ignore her. All babies are not remotely equal. Some are exhausting, need holding, have reflux, some have no reason at all for being a massive pain in the arse (or none we've worked out yet). I had one sleeper, who is also the one who played happily on his own, eats everything, finds school easy etc. The other one didn't sleep for 2 years, is much more emotional, needs much more support regulating, struggles more at school and life I general. Both have very different qualities and are amazing. Babies, toddlers, children, teens and adults are all very different and come with differing levels of need. Your dm needs to read the room and keep quiet if she can't offer anything more supportive.

My second baby was a dream. He ate, slept and smiled. My first? We won't go there. Not a good experience at all. I'm just glad I had them in that order otherwise I would have been in for a shock.

Letting babies cry might have been part of it.

The other thing is bottle fed babies are kept fuller for longer my HV described as a bit like feeling stuffed after a huge take-away. You just want to lie down and sleep.
"Good babies" are baby's who sleep lots.

Yes, some are easier than others. I had one very clingy high needs one and one very chilled one. They are now 12 & 7, and my high needs one is still very intense and exhausting and my chilled one is still relatively easy.

There was a mum in my NCT class who had this like super routinised baby. Like she slept at the same times every day, would take a bottle of expressed milk, slept through from 6 weeks, could be put down, never screamed for hours. She was very snooty about how she had everything figured out, while the rest of us were on our knees, cosleeping to get 2 hours of sleep a night, couldn’t put our babies down ever, lots of screaming, no one else could settle them. She was very smug that she had these rules around parenting that worked and we’d all created these whiny babies for ourselves.

She was the first one to have a second baby because it was all so easy. Guess what? Her second baby was nothing like the first. Her theories and routines suddenly didn’t work, and she was completely frazzled with a baby crying constantly who she could never put down, 🙄

Also, some people have very selective memory. My mum used to claim, oh, you were never like this as a baby! My mum went back to work when I was 3 months old 8-6. She didn’t do the bulk of the parenting anyway, but she also probably doesn’t remember just how hard it was because it was 40 years ago.

Ignore MiL. She’s just flapping her gums. Of course all babies are different - all adults are different too, aren’t we? Why wouldn’t they be different?! Also, I find that anyone who had children over 20 years ago has had their memory wiped when it comes to kids, unless they are nannies/childminders. You’re doing great, just keep going!

@anonny55we couldn’t think about a second until my eldest was 12 months. We have 2 now.

My DC1 was very difficult as a newborn. She didn't sleep for more than about 1.5 hours at a time, screamed if she was not being held, wanted to feed frequently and vomited a lot on any car journey. I had friends with very easy babies who offered well meaning advice on how they achieved this, but that just made me feel shitter. My MIL frequently told me what a delight DH was as a baby, how precious this time was and how I should enjoy it. Again, making me feel like shit as I was exhausted and not finding it to be a magical lovely time.

I firmly believe that every baby is different and it's perfectly normal that for some people the newborn days are tough. It's not lack of routine or any of the other things I was made to feel I'd done wrong, just the nature of the baby. My DC2 was a totally different experience, despite us doing pretty much everything the same.

So many people I know that really hard first babies went on to have a second so I think like giving birth the memory fades a little as they get older. I thought my first was hard and then realised how she easy she was in comparison to my terror of a second! In the end somethings one kid is easier than the other and then vice versa so they balance out and bring joy in different ways! Having my terror of a second made me appreciate my first even more and seeing them together there is nothing as wonderful!

Take a break from your mum you’re doing an awesome job! My sister gave good advice every day we all are alive and healthy is a good day! Don’t set yourself unrealistic goals try and find something every day that you enjoyed even if it was just a brief contact nap cuddle!

Absolutely - they all are different, and their personalities show so soon too.

First - barely slept. I barely slept too for 2 months. The amount of time I spent walking from window to window in the middle of the night trying to get him to sleep. Wasn't very good at feeding, so fed frequently (which then gave him wind, so he didn't sleep, so didn't want to feed etc..)
Second - SO EASY - slept like a dream, easy going from the start just liked to watch life going on, eat, and sleep.

Of course they've swapped now they're teens :D

I love hearing my mum wax lyrical about how her children never fought. I still have the scars!

Also just wanted to point out that not only is every child different, that each child can also be different during stages of their life.

For example, your friends who have dream newborns might turn into nightmare toddlers (and vise versa)

My DS slept through from 2 weeks old but 2-5 months were the hardest for me, he refused bottle and breast and we went through months of feeding problems.

The best thing to do is not compare, you probably have it harder than some and easier than others. That’s just life. Your feelings are valid, and I’m sorry your mum has made you feel that way. You are doing an amazing job xx

Not only are all babies different, but they are different at different stages. Mine was a chill newborn and turned into a terror that wouldn't sleep more than 1 hour when he turned 8 weeks and that lasted until he was 5 months.

It's important to remember:

1. people forget very quickly what their babies did at specific ages
2. it was ok to be a bit more neglectful in your mum's day I.e. shut the door and leave the baby cry etc
3. people who have easy babies have a weird moral superiority complex about it.

A lot about having a child means relying on your insticts and dismissing bullshit. There's a lot of judgment around parenthood so you'll need to have a pretty thick skin for years to come.

Babies are so different.

And people forget. My MIL used to laugh when FIL said both DH and BiL were 'easy' babies and reminded him of DH's colic and BIL's reflux.

I've had 5 and no two are the same. If my third had been my first they'd have been an only!

Definitely not a shit mum. Yes babies are all different. My son and grandson were the easiest babies I've ever known, both very chilled, both slept through from being little, no colic or other ailments, just both very content. Granddaughter could not be more different, she was an absolute horror as a baby, and still doesn't sleep well now as a toddler

Babies are all different and my two were no exception. My first baby had silent reflux and struggled with feeding. She was very awake and alert during the day & obviously unsettled with the pain of feeding. Yet people were telling me newborns were asleep all the time! Not in my case! 😂🙈 My son was an amazing napper but would feed small and often and wouldn't sleep longer than 2 hours stretches at night for at least the first 8 weeks. Both of them were excellent sleepers before they turned one & are great now. Kids will test you at all ages. You might be struggling now but other children might be more difficult toddlers etc. Parenting is hard for everyone for various reasons at varying stages.

My two hated sleep and hates being babies. They were so angry and pissed off unless they were on the boob or being carried around staring. Still very intense sleep a bit better. But they wanted to be independent and do their own thing! I honestly thought I had broken them as they slept so badly during the day and night! But they got easier as they got older. Still high drama but easier to manage. I think I'm having a brief respite before the teenage years. I'm due number 3 and I just know I will be in the trenches sleep wise again. But as they are at school I can rest more.

Of course they’re all different. And anyway newborns are hard work even if you do have an “easy” one. I think people definitely look back with rose tinted glasses and forget how hard it was in the early days.

OP my first was a very difficult baby and I remember having those conversations. I thought baby hated me and felt absolutely useless, and didnt help that MIL kept saying oh shes upset because you anxious (ffs!)

turns out it was actually mostly reflux and got a lot better when treated. Definitely a different baby by 4 months old. An absolute delight by 6 months, I swear she just hated being a newborn!

so dont listen to you mum and friends absolute bollocks. i think your just going to have a grow a thicker skin against this nonsnse.

for what its worth, nightmare baby because a dream toddler and age 8 she is still
a delight. I even decided to try again when she was three and had another and he was… a dream baby (and a bit of a nightmare toddler!)

lets hope your smug friends easy baby gives her the complete run around from age 1-4 😉

I remember just sitting in the garden at 3am one morning, crying my eyes out, having had to leave my first baby to cry for 5 minutes inside before I went insane. She was a hard baby! She basically cried for the first 3 months solid, unless she was in the car or pram. That is why the age gap beetween mine is 6 long years, it took me that long to risk it again! My second was in comparison, one of those easy laid back babies that didn’t even want cuddling to sleep, and never really cried 🤷🏼‍♀️ you’re not a shit mum. All babies are different.

My first was such a tricky baby, but turned into a delightful toddler and now I have number 2 and she's a much easier baby. Some babies really are harder/easier work than others!!

the older generation left their children to cry overnight

We really didn’t. I don’t know a single person who did that. Where on earth did you get that idea from @Spinner12345?

I remember finding my newborn TWINS easy for the first 8 weeks - that’s how batshit newborns are. They had milk every 4 hours and just slept all the time. I used to have to wake them for every single feed and they rarely cried.

Of course then they ‘woke up’ and either one or both was awake every hour of the day and night for the next 10 months.

YANBU

:( she said she feels as though I make him the way he is as he’s picking up my anxiety etc?!

I was told this with first - she was velcro baby - it was all my fault . Next baby was completely different - look it was all you - third same as first - they shut up by then.

Rose tinted spec really a thing - or recollections vary as depended who was speaking.