To think some newborns are ‘easier’ than others or am I just a shit mum!

[anonny55]

Dm always goes on about how easy she found newborns etc. I’m struggling a lot! When I tell dm he’s not as easy as some other newborns I know she says there’s no such thing and 1 baby can’t be worse than another as there all baby’s. I believe there all different which can impact how easy parents can find it.
For example my 6 week old has never slept longer than a 1hr30 stretch in his next to me crib so far. So I’m constantly up soothing putting him back down etc. he also has milk every 2-3hrs through the day and night still which he wakes for.
My friend has a 4 week old and she said she’s pleasantly surprised and finding it quite easy, her baby has milk every 4-5hrs and sleeps fine in his next to me crib and will go straight back down after he wakes for milk.

Ds sleeps in his crib for around 30 mins a time on average before he’s awake and wants picking up. It’s so draining. Yet my mother invalidates how hard I’m finding it as apparently I slept through the night pretty quick and was rather content being in my crib.

I feel like the only mother who has a baby like this and I must just be doing a shit job!

My first son was a high needs baby. This wasn’t me thinking that he was high needs. This was the midwife before we were handed over to the health visiting team. So he was recognised as being hard work at a few weeks old!

you have my utmost sympathies. It really is bloody hard when you’re in the thick of it and I honestly wish I could help. You will get through this, stop expecting to be superwoman, concentrate on your baby and sleep. Absolutely sleep when they do, sod the housework, it’s not going anywhere.

I had one of each, first born was a dream from day dot, second was, and still is, an absolute nightmare (he’s 16)

They’re all different! I guess some people get several easy babies and imagine themselves super parents but it’s just luck really 🤣

Babies are all different but also, I think lots of people don't recall how hard it was when it has been years since they did it. You look to the past through rose tinted spectacles or whatever the phrase is.

However hard you are finding it, some will have it easier and some will be finding it harder. Also rest assured that things change quickly.

What a weird thing to say! Your DM that is. Would she accept someone saying "How can they be different, they are all 60 year olds?" Or grown-ups/ dogs/ cats/ toddlers... all the many things that are the same in one respect but wildly different in many others 😂

Of course babies can be different, physiologically as well as emotionally.

You are doing a great job. When your mum comes to see you do you go back to bed and have a sleep that's what I had to do to catch up on sleep. I feel very lucky that that my 4 were very chilled babies in the day but they didn't sleep though the night for a long time. They were even at the age that we had to put a cot mattress on the floor next to our bed so they just came in and went straight to sleep. I think it was separation anxiety. We did what we did to get some sleep and didn't mind doing this. They all grow out if it eventually might take a few years though but it worked for us. I had a 5 year old 2 year old twins and a newborn and got through it.

Of course they’re not all the same - what a ridiculous thing for your mum to say. Also nasty, in that she’s implying that any difficulties you’re having are your fault. Sorry you’re having a bit of a tough time.

As I’ve posted many times before, DS was a spectacularly easy baby and I smugly assumed it was all down to my brilliant parenting. Until DD came along, and I realised I didn’t have a fkn scooby how to deal with her - she was nightmarishly difficult and nothing I’d done before with DS worked, she wasn’t having any of it!

Babies behave differently for a whole range of reasons - they’re no more or less alike than any other bunch of human beings 🤷‍♀️

"she says there’s no such thing and 1 baby can’t be worse than another as there all baby’s."

OP, have you tried telling her that no variation exists in adults as we're all human beings?

Absolute rubbish, don't let your mother gaslight you.
I expect you are most probably doing a splendid job. X

You're no unreasonable at all and you're certainly not a shit mum! Some babies are just sleepier and more content than others.

As for your mum, it's quite possible she's remembering through rosy tinted specs here! My child is at junior school now and when I recently met with a friend who's in trenches, it occurred to me that I actually don't remember what having a baby is like! I remember the odd terrible day and I remember the routine (if I think about it) but most of it is lost in a rosy haze of snuggles, gooey baby smiles and giggles and I know that wasn't always the reality!

They are all so different. DD1 although not a difficult baby, was far more fussy at night than DD2.

DD2 has been a very easy baby, made me realise that DD1 was not as easy as night as I thought she was TBH.

Also not just sleep related but feeding DD1 has always been a nightmare and at almost 5 she is a very fussy and slow eater and is a low centile weight (but in the normal range). DD2 on the other hand eats absolutely anything, eats at speed and I never worry about feeding her on hols or out and about yet I still take packed lunch every where we go for DD1. Remember we are all different as adults in terms of sleep needs etc x

Yes I had two dream sleepers after my difficult first. My third even used to just fall asleep after being laid down, I couldn’t believe that as I’d always thought people were lying 😂 The middle one will eat anything so he is a dream in that respect, and my “difficult” first is now a great teenager.

I don’t believe that all are hard in some ways. Some are just more amicable and easier to get on with as are all adults.

YANBU at all! My first barely slept, and even then only on me or DH and we had to be rocking slightly - it was like a form of torture! We decided to crack on and try for number 2 just as she turned 1, as she still wasn't sleeping much and we decided to just "get the baby bit done", as neither of us were enjoying it much. DD2 slept from the moment she was born, so much so that I thought she was broken! DD1 didn't sleep through until she was 3, it was really hard at the time but is now a distant memory.

This bit can be really rubbish, but you'll get through it and for me, being a parent has just been better and better as they've aged. Our DDs are 16 and 17 now, and the eldest is off to uni in September - when she was a baby this seemed like the light at the end of the tunnel and now I'm dreading it! This too shall pass @anonny55, it will get better.

Yanbu. My baby was like yours and didn’t sleep more than 45 minutes at a time. It was very hard.

she keeps asking when she can have him at hers overnight😉🤣🤣🤣

Of course YANBU. I have three and all were different babies. Two of them were way easier. DD1 never napped and was just constant cranky. She also hated the car and would scream her head off so I was constantly sleep deprived and stressed it was horrible. Honestly it all does get better

Of course some are easier.

Mine have all been on the easier side as newborns.

It's hard when the first one is a difficult baby (ours was cmpa, severe reflux and tongue tie) because you compare with others and think it must be you. It can be horrific if you're already sensitive. I had a second baby who was an easy one, and finally did actually enjoy a maternity leave and newborn. Also helped me validify to myself my experience with my first, which was bloody awful.

YANBU and please don't feel like a bad mum. DD was an incredibly easy baby (and toddler, and child tbh... Didn't tempt fate and have another 🤣). Some kids just are like that, nothing to do with any skill or talent on my part - just luck.

Oh my word, of course YANBU!

Babies can be absolutely night and day for any number of reasons.

Aww OP you are not a shit mum! And yes some babies can be more difficult than others.

My DS was a terrible sleeper, wouldn’t sleep in a cot and when I’d get him to sleep in my arms he would wake when he got to a certain tilt angle. Would only sleep if I pushed him in the pram or had him in my arms. Was breastfed and would want feeding pretty much all the time. Couldn’t go through a 40 minute baby class without spending the majority of it feeding him. I got no sleep and the health visitor advised co-sleeping as safely as possible so I slept with my boob out of my top and my left or right arm stretched out so I couldn’t roll anywhere and DH was banished to the spare room for months. I still slept badly as I was terrified of sid’s and they put the fear of god into you about co sleeping but the risk of me falling asleep holding him was probably greater at the point the health visitor advised

Yet my friends babies have been quite happy to sleep in their Moses basket or next to me with no issues at all. Didn’t cry and didn’t need constant feeding.

Try not to compare your baby or situation with others as it just makes you feel worse. The fact you’re posting shows you are a caring mum and not a shit one. Please be kind to yourself and ask for help as much as you can!

Our first was happy, smiley, and slept forlong stretches. We put it down to the fact that I am very calm and was good at mothering. We were very wrong.

If our second were the first born, she would have been an only child.

I remember it well and it was 30 years ago. Your mother is chatting nonsense and being unkind to boot.

YANBU! My daughter is 11 months old and has always been a little sleep hater, we were always the ones sat at baby group after a long night listening to other mums tell me how their 8 week old sleeps 7-7, shits glitter and makes their own bottles, you just learn to ignore it 😂

For what its worth it does get easier, as crazy as it seems you do just adjust, you find your own tricks and I’m now pregnant with my second so lets hope everybody is right and I get a sleep loving baby next time!

@anonny55 all babies are different. My first was hard, was also premature with a month stay in nicu, and a colicky, reflux baby that couldn’t be put down (with the added stress of pumping). I’m sure it wasn’t until 8 ish months when I finally felt like things calmed down a little … I had a few friends have babies at the same time, and I wondered where I went wrong 😑
second was by far much easier.

I now have a very easy 14 year old and a 9 year old that has aged me beyond my years 😂

YANBU.
Babies are different.

But what I also believe is genuinely people forget, sleep deprived, they forget and look back with rose tinted specs.
NOBODY would go back for DC2 or DC3 if they didn't.

@anonny55forgot to add, you’re doing an amazing job!

Lots of people talk UTTER CRAP about babies, but I find the worst offenders to be mums of 3+ children whose babies happen to have all been similar. They're convinced that their parenting was responsible.

When you have been a mum to one kind of baby, your parenting experience is limited to that baby, by and large. I speak as a mum of one.

The other thing to remember that almost all children have easy phases and hard phases - and all parents too.

The golden sleeper of my antenatal group is super sensitive and cries in the playground now. The super weaner who sits happily stuffing her face in a restaurant wouldn't sleep for more than 30m for six months straight. My son was intolerant of everything, but now he's the only one who happily eats all his veg.