To think some newborns are ‘easier’ than others or am I just a shit mum!

[anonny55]

Dm always goes on about how easy she found newborns etc. I’m struggling a lot! When I tell dm he’s not as easy as some other newborns I know she says there’s no such thing and 1 baby can’t be worse than another as there all baby’s. I believe there all different which can impact how easy parents can find it.
For example my 6 week old has never slept longer than a 1hr30 stretch in his next to me crib so far. So I’m constantly up soothing putting him back down etc. he also has milk every 2-3hrs through the day and night still which he wakes for.
My friend has a 4 week old and she said she’s pleasantly surprised and finding it quite easy, her baby has milk every 4-5hrs and sleeps fine in his next to me crib and will go straight back down after he wakes for milk.

Ds sleeps in his crib for around 30 mins a time on average before he’s awake and wants picking up. It’s so draining. Yet my mother invalidates how hard I’m finding it as apparently I slept through the night pretty quick and was rather content being in my crib.

I feel like the only mother who has a baby like this and I must just be doing a shit job!

Sorry but your dm is talking bollocks. Some newborns are easy, others are hard work. Just like all kids and people in general.

Ds1 was hard work for a baby. He didn't sleep until he was about 4 years old.

Ds2 would sleep for 4 hours between every feed.

They are definitely different. I had an easy one, then a really hard work one.

I’ve tried :( she said she feels as though I make him the way he is as he’s picking up my anxiety etc?! I’m sure if she had to wake up everyday (after f all sleep!) and think of another difficult day ahead she’d also be anxious! Parenting is very hard, well atleast to me😣

Not a shit mum! My first was not an easy baby. She wouldn’t let me put her down for the first three months and would only nap being walked in a sling. I honestly wondered at times if she was faulty. My second was the loveliest, snuggliest baby, would wake every 4 hours to feed, slept happily wherever and was just super chill. Unfortunately this lulled me into a sense of false security/madness leading to DC3 who was the reflux queen and didn’t sleep for more than 2 hours at a time until she was over a year old. It’s not you, it’s them!

This is also true - we did win the sleep lottery with DS2 as he was naturally inclined to sleep 10 hours a night and have massive daytime naps (I got a lot of housework and reading done on mat leave). So he was already great at staying asleep.

But we also decided that for getting to sleep we were NOT going to repeat the endless bedtimes, feeding to sleep, rocking, patting etc. that we'd done with DS1, and which we'd then had to phase out when he was older. So we put a lot more work early on into getting DS1 to go to sleep independently, e.g. separated feeding from bedtime in the routine much earlier, built really strong sleep cues etc. Don't know if this would have worked with DS1, but there's definitely been an element of learning from our mistakes.

💯 My first was a dreamy baby, I didn't realise how peaceful it was until we had number two nearly 6 years later.

My second was an extremely high need baby, velcro baby, problems with feeding, sleeping, constantly needing to be closer to me, problems all the way through, cried often.

He is still a grumpy moody child 10 years later, DD is still a calm easygoing character.

Ignore her, she is not being helpful with her silly comments.

It is absolutely luck.

My mum insists all 4 of us slept and fed easily and quickly

I remember my baby sister crying a lot at night. I think she just left us until we stopped crying once we were fed. She always said I held my two too much. They wanted cuddles (Velcro babies) and they got them.

One of my friends had a newborn who was always unsettled - she had more challenges than I had with twins.

Each of my twins were also different.

My oldest was different again.

I just kept repeating in my head... 'Newborns are allowed to cry.' (NB didn't do 'cry it out' just didn't assume they cried because I was doing something wrong) so I could reset my expectations and not put too much pressure on me.

Honestly I thought the same with my first, she was an extremely sleepy baby and we even had to wake her to feed. With my second he didn't rest from the day he was born. He was constantly unsettled and always seemed to be hungry!! It's not easy. Not all babies are the same. Hopefully your little one will start to settle more as they get older. Maybe get your Mum to take him one night if she thinks it's that easy 😉

When was the last time your mum was parenting a newborn? I’m guessing about 30 years ago. My youngest isn’t yet two and I’ve forgotten things!

You have a six week old. Cut yourself some slack. I remember thinking I’d made a huge mistake with DC1 because it was so darn hard. You’re not a shit mum, you care too much.

Of course they are different. My two were completely different.

Yanbu

I’ve had 3 kids and they varied wildly as newborns. Take it from me- it’s pure luck like whether they sleep well or whether or not they develop colic.

You’re not a shit mum 💐

@B1indEye@BarnacleBeasley I’m definitely open to tips as to what I could be doing wrong or what could help. I’m willing to try anything at this point😊

Some really are easier and usually the most vocal of people get the easy ones. I was forever hearing “oh why don’t you just do ~very simple thing I’ve already been tried over and over~ from someone who simply had an easy baby.

Also consider your DM has probably forgotten the bad times now, and looks back with gentle nostalgia. She may have had tons of help too.

you aren’t a bad mum at all.

Congratulations 🎊 it is hard especially for an unsettled baby, it will get better, some babies need constant attention, snuggled body heat, you can do this.

Check for allergies too. You might have to change your diet, my DS turned out to have allergies causing a lot of his unsettled self.

I am annoyed at your DM.

The newborn stage and young baby stage was then worst part for me. Mine never slept through the night. I remember both my mother and mil confidently tried to put dc down in Moses basket to sleep. As soon as they were laying down, they instantly woke (that showed them!).

@PurBali also kept thinking goodness we’ve made a huge mistake having a baby, but he’s such an amazing bundle of joy sometimes and I love him endlessly..it just feels like I can’t see the end and it’ll be like this forever😖

Keep going, the fact that you're concerned you might be a shit mum means you're not actually a shit mum. A shit mum wouldn't give a toss.

FWIW DD (now 15) was a terrible sleeper and ended up being our only child. I just couldn't risk going through it again with a second child.

I often wonder if some only children are so because of how they were as babies/toddlers and it put their parents off having any more. It's a bit taboo to say "This child nearly broke me and I dont have it in me to do it again".

She still sleeps like crap now, but at least she can entertain herself in the wee small hours without needing me. She actually brought me a cup of coffee in bed at 6am this morning (she'd been awake all night) so it's not all bad.

No two babies are the same just like people! Even though I knew that I still for some reason was surprised when my second daughter was so different from her sister!!! Newborns are usually hard work and those that have easy ones should count themselves lucky! You are recovering too don’t forget! I think taking a break from your mothers advise might help your mental health and anxiety too! Most mothers I know are always worried we are screwing things up and it shows you care so give yourself a break. What feels never ending at the time is in reality a much smaller time than you realise and comparing yourself and your baby to others pretty much always makes you feel like shit!

My mum told me I slept easily straightaway too and she just carried on and I slotted in with ease and it drove me nuts, but what I found worked for me was a routine that meant I knew when baby should be getting tired and go easily to sleep and I worked around it so that meant baby was happy and I knew what to expect and eventually following a routine as they grew the naps shortened/lessened and they slept longer overnight. You have to find what works for you as a team - although it sometimes feels like your team mate is trying to sabotage you!!

Enjoy the baby snuggles it’s the hardest and best job in the world 🩷

@anonny55I know it feels like that. I promise it won’t, but I know that’s no help when you’re in it. You can do this 💪

Honestly? Probably not much at 6 weeks except to ignore your mum! But we found this book really helpful, and it might be worth a look as you get ready to settle into a routine (as opposed to just responding to newborn needs, as you are at first): https://www.amazon.co.uk/Precious-Little-Sleep-Complete-Parents/dp/0997580828/ref=asc_df_0997580828?mcid=907a218677743b3cac7451f1078ae62c&th=1&psc=1&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697287344587&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=10204625433404486679&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007395&hvtargid=pla-993847505418&gad_source=1

You are not a bad Mum, some babies are bloody hard work, some a little easier. Your Mum needs to hush.
Only suggestion i can make is to not have baby in a next to me crib as you may be disturbing them when you move. Baby will sleep more soon, i am sure x

Your ‘D’M is not at all helpful! Of course babies are different - they’re not all the bloody same just as children aren’t the same and adults aren’t the same.

I really hate this comparison thing that so many people do, no wonder so many parents have issues knowing what way is up half the time with all the “helpful” suggestions they get.

You are not a shit mum. And I am send many positive thoughts to you. You’ve got this!

Did any of you go onto have a 2nd if your 1st was that difficult? I always wanted 2 but I think little mr will be an only child now😆

My eldest cried constantly and was inconsolable with colic and constipation for months. My second (18 months later) popped out the womb blessed and highly favoured. Never really cried. I’d wake up in the night to him cooing quietly. Would change him, feed him, and he’d drift back off. Barely ever got upset at all.

All babies are different. Just as all people are different. Your DM is being a bit of a dick and likely enjoying that she has “a special way” with babies. She likely doesn’t. Don’t let it bother you.