Is our parenting technique too gentle?!

[GJD23000]

I need a bit of advice. My husband and I are starting to think we are too gentle on our 6 year old DD. I absolutely wouldn’t class us as ‘gentle parents’ but we are definitely on the gentler side of strict, we only have the one so I would say we are pretty relaxed with her. We are incredibly flexible in our jobs, which we love, but it also means we can be at her beck and call and are almost ‘too’ available for her. I ask now because her behaviour, especially around bedtime, has been getting increasingly bad - tonight she has screamed at us for over an hour, calling us horrible names and being very rude. She refuses to go to bed without us going to bed next door at the same time (we have on occasions done this when tired and watched some tv) Her attitude can sometimes be bad, quite rude and often she comes out with really mean things. Other times she is amazing, sooo funny, kind, loving and friendly but her ‘mean’ times seem to be increasing and I am wondering if we need to be stricter. You read the internet and it tells you all the horror stories of strict parenting but I’m starting to think the lack of it is leading to her disrespecting us….what are we doing wrong?! Help!

how did you deal with it when she was playing up and does she have any siblings who act similarly?

Sounds like your relaxed parenting style has led to her ruling the roost.
6 is too old for tantrums. Gentle parenting involves firm boundaries-time to start setting them now I would say.

Firm boundaries needed. Speak to her when she isn’t tired and tell her what the rules around bedtime are and have clear consequences in place that she is aware of.

It sounds like you might be being permissive , but it's hard to tell based on your post. My DD is 6 and I am a pretty strict but gentle parent who also gives my children lots of fun and lots of listening. In my house there just would not be horrible names from my children- what do you both do when this occurs ? I appreciate it's tricky at bedtime as they're tired.
Does she think you're going to bed at the same time as her ? I don't think that sends the correct message.
How does she behave in the day time ? Or at school?

She’s not supposed to be in charge, you are. You’re the parents, she’s 6!

Start setting some boundaries now and enforce them or you’ll potentially be raising a very challenging, obnoxious teenager.

Children need boundaries and to know you’re in charge here.

No child of mine would be dictating my bedtime. Hell no.

to me - that’s not @gentle parenting’ - that’s you letting the kid rule the roost - my advice : put a stop to it now - put some boundaries in place. think carefully about letting this behaviour continue - what on Earth will they be like as a teenager if they are walking all over you now?

She refuses to go to bed without us going to bed next door at the same time
You've been allowing her to dictate your bedtime?!

Why are you letting a 6 year old dictate when you go to bed?

You know it’s alright for your daughter to not get her own and be upset. Grow a back bone and stop letting her decide what’s going to happen, she’s a child. She needs to know who the adults are to feel safe.

Gentle parenting is often mistaken for permissive parenting. It doesn’t mean being a wet lettuce and caving in to shocking behaviour. It’s about being firm and consistent without using fear or violence. Your daughter needs boundaries like any child, she will feel safer if she knows you are in charge and there are limits - but I would add that a six year old going through a phase of being defiant and rude doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done something wrong. It’s what you do in response that counts. Talk to her dad and agree a set of rules, strategies and consequences - then start enforcing them calmly and with total, anal consistency.

No siblings.

it’s a tough one, we have tried everything - calming techniques/setting repercussions etc. it has got to the point now that the only thing that works when she gets like this is giving her a hug, telling her we love her and saying we are done listening to this now we can chat in the morning but 1. We sit in the corner of her room to still give her the comfort of us being there and 2. We put earphones in as it’s the only way she can see for sure we aren’t listening otherwise the abuse would continue! She then gets fed up and falls asleep… which she has just done now!

So when she screams what do you do? If my child told me to go to bed I think I’d laugh and turn off her light. Problem is you’ve confused respect for being an equal- you can fully respect your child, show them respect and still have them know you’re the parents

Children need the safety, security, grounding, feeling rooted - that parental boundaries, rules and norms provide.

why you would rob your child of that sense of safety - that others are in charge - that her parents are in charge and will keep her life safe and calm for her - is beyond me

I consider myself a very relaxed parent to our 5 year old but I have very firm boundaries. I do not tolerate rudeness, meanness or name calling.

I’m sorry, you sit in the corner of her room while she screams abuse at you?? Literally shut the door and walk away? A consequence of shouting vile abuse is that people won’t want to be around you. She needs to learn this!

Er well it’s not working if she’s deciding your bedtime, screaming at you and being rude - it’s not going to work for her either because no one likes a kid who’s only nice when she’s getting her own way.

So, sit her down and say you’ve noticed her behaviour has become poor, no one likes rude girls, so you are both going to insist on better behaviour or no treats.

Starting with going to bed on time.

You will have a week of tantrums but it will calm down quite quickly when she learns that whatever she does she will be taken back to bed.

once the worst of it is out the way I’d suggest a star chart and some minor bribes (aka treats dependant on good behaviour)

oh and give her a daily chore, it’s good for kids to be part of a team

If she's only just gone to bed at 9.30 what time did you take her up? I think being over tired won't help.
I don't think you should be sitting in her room with her while she shouts at you. Story, night night, light off....see her in the morning. You will need to talk this through with her in the morning and explain these boundaries.

Agreed. You're allowing her to scream abuse at you, and it seems as though there are zero consequences for this.

Stop letting her rule the roost. You're not parenting her at all. You need to come down hard on some of this shit and stop being wishy-washy.

You are the parents. When you decide it's bedtime for her then that's that. She goes to bed and she doesn't dictate when you do. How on earth did you ever get into that? Tell her SHE is going to bed and you will be going when you are good and ready. THE END.

Get control now or you'll not know what has hit you when she is a teenager.

Yes. You are turning her into the very thing you two don't want to be-an abusive monster. You can change this but it's probably not wise to come down like a ton of bricks straightaway. You might benefit from parenting classes.

You’ve mistaken gentle for permissive. Aim for respectful parenting with clear boundaries so she knows what’s what and where the lines are.

At the moment it sounds like she’s lashing out in a fear or rage at not knowing where the line is, what’s acceptable behaviour and who’s in charge.

I’ve got a 6 year old. There is no chance in hell she’d think she could dictate to us when we go to bed. Things seems pretty out of hand if she thinks that’s okay. You’ve let her. Both of you have.

You don’t do her any favours by letting her think she’s in charge of you. She’s crying out - literally - for you to lay out clearly what she needs to do and how and when. She’s not going to like it when you start but you do really need to now and then hopefully you can all get to a better place.

Thank you to all the responses - I think you are right re her ruling the roost!!

She doesn’t really dictate when we go to bed but on occasions we have said ‘oh we are coming up’ if we are tired (and will sit and watch tv - we have a sofa in our room) and also she will fall asleep much easier if she knows someone is next door.

Daytime/school - generally good and minimal issues, thankfully!

This response is perfectly gentle and it works. Why not stick with this? Being gentle and respectful to your child doesn't mean ignoring age appropriate boundaries and letting them do exactly what they want. It is gentle parenting to do what you've described above, and it's worked. The only other thing I would suggest is laying out your expectations in advance.

Stick to sitting in her room while she screams at them and calls them names? Don’t be daft.

What is the consequence of her screaming at you? What privileges or favourite things get taken away? You must, surely, at least tell her off? Right?

She's sounds awful, quite frankly. Have fun parenting her when she's a teenager.

The OP has explained she gives up and goes to sleep when they do this. Am I missing something? It's the inconsistency of sometimes giving a reaction, sometimes giving in, etc that's causing the screaming to continue. Soon as she realises that bedtime is a non negotiable event and her protest will not get her what she wants, and will be quietly and calmly ignored, and this happens every time, she will adjust to the status quo and stop trying to push the boundary. But you don't have to be unkind or strict to achieve this. And you don't have to punish, criticise or shame. It's only necessary to set expectations and be consistent.