Is our parenting technique too gentle?!

[GJD23000]

I need a bit of advice. My husband and I are starting to think we are too gentle on our 6 year old DD. I absolutely wouldn’t class us as ‘gentle parents’ but we are definitely on the gentler side of strict, we only have the one so I would say we are pretty relaxed with her. We are incredibly flexible in our jobs, which we love, but it also means we can be at her beck and call and are almost ‘too’ available for her. I ask now because her behaviour, especially around bedtime, has been getting increasingly bad - tonight she has screamed at us for over an hour, calling us horrible names and being very rude. She refuses to go to bed without us going to bed next door at the same time (we have on occasions done this when tired and watched some tv) Her attitude can sometimes be bad, quite rude and often she comes out with really mean things. Other times she is amazing, sooo funny, kind, loving and friendly but her ‘mean’ times seem to be increasing and I am wondering if we need to be stricter. You read the internet and it tells you all the horror stories of strict parenting but I’m starting to think the lack of it is leading to her disrespecting us….what are we doing wrong?! Help!

Physical violence from a fully grown adult to a child is NEVER OKAY. You want your kids to be terrified of you and to fuck them up? Use your words, not your body.

Honestly some of you are stuck in the 80s, and it wasn't okay then.

So, you say she used to be fine about going to bed but that 'something has changed in the last few months.'

I pretty sure that what's changed is that she's become just old enough to realise that you, as her parents, aren't in charge of her or the situation. Consequently, she probably feels quite scared and that she's in free fall with no one to catch her.

Children thrive when they have firm boundaries and when their parents are calm, consistent and in charge of every situation. It makes the child feel safe and supported.

Your frankly silly parenting techniques have left me incredulous. Wearing earplugs to show you aren't listening to her? Like, seriously? Letting her dictate your bedtime? Actually standing there meekly whilst she tears a strip off you? WTAF?

The only plausible explanation is that you and your partner are very young yourselves? Otherwise, this is just madness!

You need to start being an adult and behaving like an adult. You are not your DD's friend, you are her Mother which is a completely different role with different responsibilities and duties. Do you not know that?

Riiight. Slightly aggressive. In answer to your questions…

Your frankly silly parenting techniques have left me incredulous. Wearing earplugs to show you aren't listening to her? Like, seriously?

Sorry my parenting style upsets you so much. I said I put in earplugs after she had calmed down, I do not put in earplugs and allow her to shout in my face, by the time the earplugs are in she has calmed down and is in bed. It is simply a technique for us all to disengage and if you read further posts you would see that it actually works.

Letting her dictate your bedtime?

I never said she dictated our bedtime, I said that she sometimes refuses to go to bed if we aren’t up the stairs and she likes us to be in our bedroom next door. She isn’t forcing us to get into bed and go to sleep (which no, we would not allow) she simply likes the comfort of knowing we are next door.

Actually standing there meekly whilst she tears a strip off you? WTAF?

Sorry but where was it mentioned that I stood there meekly and allowed her to tear strips into me?

The only plausible explanation is that you and your partner are very young yourselves? Otherwise, this is just madness!

Nope, I’m 38, thanks.

Do you know you are her mother and not her friend?

Yes, I noted that after I gave birth to her.

It appears you are creating your own narrative on this so, as I said to another negative comment above, I have come on here for advice so why bother commenting!

So if my kids are yelling at us or each other or just being really unpleasant (& sometimes they are but not often) we would immediately point out that it’s not acceptable to talk to each other that way and if they keep doing it we will be going home if out/not going to whatever activities we had planned/they can spend some time in their room until they would like to interact pleasantly with the rest of us if we were just at home. If they don’t stop then whatever the consequence is we follow through on. We are always happy to hear them tell us what’s upsetting them and to try and help but not while they are shouting at us &/or each other about it. I think all people mean is that they enforce some clear & immediate consequence for that kind of behaviour.

It's such a shame that you're not nearly as assertive with your DD.

It sounds as though because you are anxious about not replicating your relationship with your parents, that you want her to like you.

I think that's a mistake. You need to be the person in authority here. She will hate you while you make that change. But in the long run, she will benefit.

You are going to have to be a basic bitch to sort this out. Don't sit in her room, don't go to bed when she wants you to - explain all this in the day when she is receptive, say that the routine is changing and do not give in.

This is ridiculous,she's still controlling what you do so obviously your boundaries don't work.

What time does she go to bed OP? Has it changed in the last year or so? Just thinking about the 'not tired' comment - I wonder if it's that she (rightly or wrongly) feels she should have a later bedtime. I can remember battling with my parents to stay up later around that age, because I didn't want the same bedtime as my younger cousins.

She's still in charge when you're using the two techniques at the bottom.

You say you've tried consequences but have you actually done it fully? Consistently?

What I would do, and have done, albeit not about bedtime...
Both of you (mum and dad) sit on the sofa in the morning and sit her on the floor. Tell her that you are done with her behaviour so new rules are going to be in place. Write these rules down and have them stuck on the fridge where she can see them and do a copy for her room too.
Rules for (child's name)
Morning - write rules and consequences
Daytime - same as above
Bedtime - e.g. (child's name) bedtime is (the time you put her to bed, which, given her age should be between 6-8pm)
If (child's name) comes out of the room then (consequence) will happen - we took away tech, as in ALL tech, inc TV privileges
If (child's name) uses rude words then (consequence) will happen - you can do the same as above or a different punishment, although NEVER use removing food as a punishment e.g. no pudding and never use it as a positive thing either
If (child's name) - whatever else she does at bed time.

Then explain you are the parents and she is the child, she has no choice but to follow these rules. You will not be dictated to by a child. If she can stick to these rules for a week she will get (some small reward, like a trip to the park, nothing super special as these are expected behaviours just like brushing her teeth would be.

I recommend a book called 'when the parents change, everything changes'