Page 4 | Is our parenting technique too gentle?!

GJD23000 · 2025-04-05T20:23:58+00:00

I need a bit of advice. My husband and I are starting to think we are too gentle on our 6 year old DD. I absolutely wouldn’t class us as ‘gentle parents’ but we are definitely on the gentler side of strict, we only have the one so I would say we are pretty relaxed with her. We are incredibly flexible in our jobs, which we love, but it also means we can be at her beck and call and are almost ‘too’ available for her. I ask now because her behaviour, especially around bedtime, has been getting increasingly bad - tonight she has screamed at us for over an hour, calling us horrible names and being very rude. She refuses to go to bed without us going to bed next door at the same time (we have on occasions done this when tired and watched some tv) Her attitude can sometimes be bad, quite rude and often she comes out with really mean things. Other times she is amazing, sooo funny, kind, loving and friendly but her ‘mean’ times seem to be increasing and I am wondering if we need to be stricter. You read the internet and it tells you all the horror stories of strict parenting but I’m starting to think the lack of it is leading to her disrespecting us….what are we doing wrong?! Help!

KnitFastDieWarm · 05/04/2025 23:02

Think of it this way, @CNN25 - by sitting and letting her speak to you in an aggressive way, you’re teaching her a) that it’s ok to speak to people like that and b) that’s it’s ok for others to speak to her like that. You need to model your own boundaries so that she can learn to create hers as she grows up.

You can do this without shouting or being intimidating. You can acknowledge how she feels, speak comfortingly to her, etc, but make it clear that what you say goes and that if she is abusive or aggressive, you will leave the room (a natural consequence of screaming at people is that they remove themselves from your company). She needs to know you are in charge and will look after her.

EdithBond · 05/04/2025 23:04

Do you snuggle in bed with her and read together until she’s really relaxed and sleepy. Or let her look at a book in bed on her own with a low lamp until she’ sleepy? Kids that age don’t like being left alone awake in the dark. Do you leave the landing light on?

A bedtime bath with a few drops of lavender oil dissolved in a little milk added to the bath can help them relax. Then a small amount of warm milk to drink in bed.

Chilling in your room, so she knows you’re close, may comfort her.

But remain firm in tone if she tries to get out of bed. Firm but loving. Never too serious: “Come on now Madam, off to bed. No messing now, it’s late”. She has to realise you’re firmly in charge and not to be messed with. Kids prefer boundaries. It makes them feel safe.

Original poster

GJD23000 · 05/04/2025 23:05

I just want to clear up re the headphones - we are not just sitting there with headphones on allowing her to scream in our faces/call us names (!) By the time they are on she has mostly calmed down (just muttering angrily to herself!!) but it shows she will no longer be getting a reaction from us.

OP posts:

MuffinsOrCake · 05/04/2025 23:07

She is scared of the dark

Mochynpinc · 05/04/2025 23:08

Tipofthecattoes · 05/04/2025 22:27

Sounds like she has SEN to be honest. It’s not normal for a 6 year old to be screaming abuse at you.

I am a ‘gentle parent’ of an only and this sounds a trillion miles away from a normal situation

I don’t think you can diagnose SEN from this. Maybe the child has just learnt that she can shout abuse at her parents because when she does, they come and chill out in her room with her and it’s quite effective.

RobertaFirmino · 05/04/2025 23:08

Yes, she just says she doesn’t want to go to bed

Well of course she doesn't! She's a small child and small children generally don't want to go to bed! They still have to though, whether they like it or not.

Have you ever hung back on the landing, waited for her to open the door and sternly said 'Back to bed. Now!'? There's a world of difference between emotional abuse and gentle parenting and a stern word for their own good is not going to scar them for life.

Original poster

GJD23000 · 05/04/2025 23:09

User37482 · 05/04/2025 22:30

I tried gentle parenting and tbh I found it difficult to implement, it was too child centred iyswim. I went to common sense, be kind and loving and if she’s done something to really piss me off or upset me I let her know she’s doing it and a consequence for not stopping it. I think it’s important that she see’s that her behaviour has an impact on someone elses feelings so I sometimes I will state that I am starting to feel very angry.

I also think children should know when they are harming others very clearly. I think too much calmness teaches children there is no consequence to behaving appalling, I don’t think it teaches empathy at all. We have to send them out into the world and if they start shouting abusive stuff to other people there may be very swift consequences. I think kids who are over gentle parented will struggle with other peoples boundaries. Think about how you would react if you saw your DD behaving like that towards a teacher for example. I take the view that each member of my household has a right to be treated with kindness and respect, I include parents in that.

Mine is actually quite bad tempered and will definitely kick off about random things. We check that we’ve understood the problem but if the request we made is reasonable we make sure she follows through because she knows a privilege will be revoked if she doesn’t. She’s allowed to have a moan about it, thats fine. I also think some personalities need a different approach.

It’s really tough OP, DH and I were both raised by authoritarian parents and were trying to get it right when we started gentle parenting. We just found it wasn’t effective for us. Stop sitting in her room with her, she starts screaming then you move away and a privilege is revoked. You did the right thing cancelling her sleep over. She may follow you around yelling the first night but you have to keep repeatedly turning her around and walking her to her room etc and eventually it will sink in. Praise good behaviour lavishly. I thank DD for being helpful, kind or considerate etc, like every little thing “thank you helping with clearing up after dinner”, “thanks for offering to share your sweets, thats really kind of you”. You are trying to incentivise good behaviour and discourage negative behaviour. The praise is a really important counter balance whilst you are firming up your boundaries. She needs to see she’s not just being told off and corrected but that she’s getting lots of stuff right too.

We are all winging it OP, good parents care enough to want to make sure they are getting it right. Some kids have just got more forceful personalities thank others. They don’t all come out the same so you have to parent with the personality you have. Gentle parenting probably works best on already chill kids.

Edited

I really appreciate this post and agree with everything you have said. My little girl doesn’t really have the personality for ‘gentle’ parenting but my parents were authoritative/strict and it was actually pretty detrimental to our relationship, I couldn’t really talk to them as always felt like I would get in trouble and never felt my mum was on my side. I always said to my husband I wanted a closer relationship with my DD and wanted her to know I would always be there for her… it’s tough to get that balance.

OP posts:

FeatherDawn · 05/04/2025 23:11

@CNN25
What does she yell at you?
Very strange for a 6 year old to use abusive language-could she have heard this at home/ school/ grandparents ?

HouseCaptain · 05/04/2025 23:13

i think that children thrive within firm, but fair boundaries. You need to assert yourself as her mother. I can imagine that’s tricky with an only child. You clearly adore your daughter, but oreganos need to establish your own authority.

Hyperquiet · 05/04/2025 23:13

GJD23000 · 05/04/2025 22:02

When she gets like this she literally leaves her room and follows us downstairs… won’t stay in bed so we’ve found that’s the best way to make her stay in bed and eventually fall asleep.

There are repercussions to her being like this, taking treats away etc. Tonight I have cancelled a sleepover she was meant to have on Tuesday because of how she’s acted.

Please be careful with sleepovers OP. I wouldn't have my young child going to any.

Original poster

GJD23000 · 05/04/2025 23:13

Sorry will also clear up about abusive language - she’s not swearing at us or anything like that. When I say horrible names I mean more like ‘meany’ or ‘horrible mummy’

OP posts:

HouseCaptain · 05/04/2025 23:14

*perhaps

Original poster

GJD23000 · 05/04/2025 23:14

FeatherDawn · 05/04/2025 23:11

@CNN25
What does she yell at you?
Very strange for a 6 year old to use abusive language-could she have heard this at home/ school/ grandparents ?

Sorry I’ve just cleared this up above, ‘abusive’ probably was a bit of an extreme word to use haha

OP posts:

Tipofthecattoes · 05/04/2025 23:15

GJD23000 · 05/04/2025 23:05

I just want to clear up re the headphones - we are not just sitting there with headphones on allowing her to scream in our faces/call us names (!) By the time they are on she has mostly calmed down (just muttering angrily to herself!!) but it shows she will no longer be getting a reaction from us.

But can you not see how this is still incredibly weird? Sitting in the corner of your 6 year olds room with earplugs/ headphones whilst she angrily takes herself to sleep. This is the issue. Something has gone fundamentally wrong here

Original poster

GJD23000 · 05/04/2025 23:17

Tipofthecattoes · 05/04/2025 22:34

I’m sorry, you sit in the corner of her room while she screams abuse at you?? Literally shut the door and walk away? A consequence of shouting vile abuse is that people won’t want to be around you. She needs to learn this!

oh hey, they wear earplugs though to ‘show her’ they’re not listening.

this is not gentle parenting. This is….fuck knows…really fucking weird parenting…..

So far you have contributed that my daughter has SEN (which she does not, in anyway shape or form) and we are weird f*cking parents so thanks but no thanks for your input….

OP posts:

Tipofthecattoes · 05/04/2025 23:19

Honestly, I think sometimes people just need to hear that - no, this is absolutely not normal. This isn’t gentle parenting or any other nomenclature, and something needs to change in what you’re doing

Foldinthecheese · 05/04/2025 23:20

I have a 6yo DD as well as two 9yo DSes. I’ve never experienced anything like this at bedtime, but a big game-changer for us was adding ‘two minutes’. I got tired of sitting with my DD until she fell asleep, so now after she gets ready for bed and we read a book, I set a timer for two minutes. Those two minutes are a time for the two of us to cuddle and chat, without any distractions. Sometimes we sing together, or talk about our day, or she asks questions about things. Oftentimes it lasts more than two minutes, but when it ends she knows she’s had that time that is just for her. She’s happy to say goodnight and is often asleep moments later. Perhaps you could suggest a routine like that to your DD. Having that time dedicated to connecting with her might help her to detach for the rest of the night. And you could start with more time, like ten minutes, and gradually drop down.
It sounds like you’re a great mum and very responsive to your daughter’s needs, but I will say that none of my children have ever screamed at me or called me names. It makes me wonder if maybe you need to set firmer boundaries across the board to reestablish yourself in a position of authority. I was an only child and I loved it, but I definitely think the dynamic can blur the boundaries of authority.

Original poster

GJD23000 · 05/04/2025 23:21

Foldinthecheese · 05/04/2025 23:20

I have a 6yo DD as well as two 9yo DSes. I’ve never experienced anything like this at bedtime, but a big game-changer for us was adding ‘two minutes’. I got tired of sitting with my DD until she fell asleep, so now after she gets ready for bed and we read a book, I set a timer for two minutes. Those two minutes are a time for the two of us to cuddle and chat, without any distractions. Sometimes we sing together, or talk about our day, or she asks questions about things. Oftentimes it lasts more than two minutes, but when it ends she knows she’s had that time that is just for her. She’s happy to say goodnight and is often asleep moments later. Perhaps you could suggest a routine like that to your DD. Having that time dedicated to connecting with her might help her to detach for the rest of the night. And you could start with more time, like ten minutes, and gradually drop down.
It sounds like you’re a great mum and very responsive to your daughter’s needs, but I will say that none of my children have ever screamed at me or called me names. It makes me wonder if maybe you need to set firmer boundaries across the board to reestablish yourself in a position of authority. I was an only child and I loved it, but I definitely think the dynamic can blur the boundaries of authority.

Thank you! That’s a really good idea xx

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/04/2025 23:28

You sound like a very loving and caring mum. But maybe her appalling behaviour at those times is in fact an unconscious request for firmer boundaries. She wants and needs you guys to be the boss and time and time again she’s made to feel unsafe by blurry boundaries.

There needs to be consequences for name calling for instance. And clearer action around bedtime.

It sounds really tough and you have my sympathies. But it’s time to take some control back.

Original poster

GJD23000 · 05/04/2025 23:31

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/04/2025 23:28

You sound like a very loving and caring mum. But maybe her appalling behaviour at those times is in fact an unconscious request for firmer boundaries. She wants and needs you guys to be the boss and time and time again she’s made to feel unsafe by blurry boundaries.

There needs to be consequences for name calling for instance. And clearer action around bedtime.

It sounds really tough and you have my sympathies. But it’s time to take some control back.

Thank you, that is very helpful and I think you are right xx

OP posts:

WeNeverGoOutOfStyle · 05/04/2025 23:32

You’ve created a little horror.

Odras · 05/04/2025 23:38

My littlest child was a nightmare to put to bed for years. I found a small weighed blanket seemed to calm her down a bit. Have a think about what calms her, is it squishy toys or having a tight blanket on or a lava lamp type thing. Try a bit of connection time before bed as this type of behaviour can be attention seeking. I graduated putting her to sleep on her own by walking in and out of her room putting clothes away.

She goes to sleep now alone at 7. We read together. She then does some drawing and listening to a podcast with her small blanket on her and a soft light on.

MonGrainDeSel · 05/04/2025 23:43

When my daughter at a slightly younger age was going through some difficult behaviour, one thing that worked for me was to calmly talk to her and ask her if she wanted to do this the hard way or the easy way. You have to go through it step by step and say 'well, we can do this the hard way and you can scream at me and I can get cross and you will get shouted at and you will probably cry and feel bad and in the end you will have to go to bed anyway because that is how it always ends and you will feel unhappy and go to bed late and wake up feeling not so great, or we can do this the easy way and I will ask you to go to bed and you will do it because you want to wake up tomorrow feeling rested and happy. Your choice.' Alter according to what actually happens.

Also, while I'm obviously an advocate of kind parenting, I also think that if a child is pushing you beyond your boundaries that it is OK to show that you are a person too and also need to be treated with respect. Maybe sometimes that means being not as gentle as you'd like to be. Gentleness perhaps requires buy in from the child in that they must also be gentle with you.

I'm far from an authoritarian parent but I am authoratitive and always expected my daughter to comply with reasonable instructions. But I also think that 6 year olds aren't that great at working out what is reasonable or not. Perhaps you need to spell it out for her a bit?

My daughter is now 18 and has a part-time job working with children. She uses 'the hard way or the easy way' on them to this day with a lot of success. Takes a bit of sticking to it and a lot of repetition, but worth a try.

Mumwork · 05/04/2025 23:43

We’re a weird combo of gentle and authoritative. So bed time would be negotiable (within reason but probably very late to many) but name calling and rudeness would be totally unacceptable. I guess or comes down to where your boundaries are (before you take the behaviour into account and not after). I don’t think any of this is a particular style of parenting, its more about what you need to stick to and what you can let go for your family.

WeHaveTheRabbit · 05/04/2025 23:44

I agree with a PP about setting expectations long in advance of bedtime. She will go to bed at X time, Mummy and Daddy will leave, she can listen to an audiobook but may not get out of bed. Maybe create a visual reminder with each step listed and illustrated: bath, brushing teeth, two stories, or whatever your usual routine is. I definitely wouldn't be sitting in the room with her, nor would I wear earphones. And I certainly wouldn't be told by a 6-year-old that I need to go to bed at the same time!

However, here is where I part company from some PPs. I wouldn't punish her for her behaviour. I'm not a fan of punishments in general. That absolutely doesn't mean I'd allow her to continue shouting or calling me horrible names, though. Instead, first of all I'd have a chat with her (long before bedtime, when you're both calm and doing something together like drawing or baking) to work out why she is acting this way. Is she afraid of something? Is she worried about something and bedtime is when these worries arise? Is she overtired? Or is it actually the opposite and she doesn't need as much sleep as you think? I might experiment with timings, not as a punishment but just to figure out when she seems to get the best night's sleep.

If she gets out of bed after lights out, I'd simply return her to bed every time, no discussion. I would make it very clear that she is not allowed to speak to me disrespectfully or call me names. It does sound as though she wants you to show her where the line is that she shouldn't cross.