Is our parenting technique too gentle?!

[GJD23000]

I need a bit of advice. My husband and I are starting to think we are too gentle on our 6 year old DD. I absolutely wouldn’t class us as ‘gentle parents’ but we are definitely on the gentler side of strict, we only have the one so I would say we are pretty relaxed with her. We are incredibly flexible in our jobs, which we love, but it also means we can be at her beck and call and are almost ‘too’ available for her. I ask now because her behaviour, especially around bedtime, has been getting increasingly bad - tonight she has screamed at us for over an hour, calling us horrible names and being very rude. She refuses to go to bed without us going to bed next door at the same time (we have on occasions done this when tired and watched some tv) Her attitude can sometimes be bad, quite rude and often she comes out with really mean things. Other times she is amazing, sooo funny, kind, loving and friendly but her ‘mean’ times seem to be increasing and I am wondering if we need to be stricter. You read the internet and it tells you all the horror stories of strict parenting but I’m starting to think the lack of it is leading to her disrespecting us….what are we doing wrong?! Help!

Imo 6 is too young for nasty name calling. And it's always unacceptable to disrespect someone else in the house.

In the morning when she calm I'd explain why I wasn't happy with this name calling and that next time there will be a consequence. I'd explain what that was. And I'd stick to it.

Whingey because she's tired and indulged is one thing, nasty and rude I'd not tolerate

Ignore the screaming and leave the room, let her scream. Always told my child when she was rude or inappropriate “thats unacceptable “ in a loud voice, and plentynof close eye contact,a tap on the hands or smacked bottom is a discipline that never harmed us, she,l run rings around younif you dont toughen up ❤️

Yes you are

Unless ND (even then same principles but more reminders, countdowns) then absolutely not acceptable for a child to be doing and get away with this. I have a friend who follows her DC around and asks 'hey hunny bunny, would you like to put on your PJs now, go to bed, have your dinner'.

Structure, routine, boundaries are needed. I'm talking as a parent and as a teacher with 30 years' experience.

I would say though that behaviour is a communication and why is she getting so upset it sounds shes getting quite anxious about being upstairs alone?

okaaay calm yourself down, she’s 6 not 16 and as I have clearly stated she isn’t like this all the time! Also, if you don’t have advice please don’t bother commenting x

Also thank you for all the (kind!) responses, they have been really helpful xx

It is not nice to hit other people because they are doing something we don't like.

Most people have that explained to them when they are two but you clearly missed it.

Screaming for over an hour at six is pretty atypical in any child. How long have these behaviours been going on?

Either some very clear boundaries need to be established or she could be experiencing significant disregulation and you may need to explore the idea that she may be neurodivergent. You seem furious at the suggestion but girls are particularly good at masking and screaming for an hour and behaving like you describe would be a significant cause of concern.

I agree with everyone saying you need boundaries and natural consequences, like walking away if she’s shouting abuse at you. Have you asked why she likes someone next door? Could she be afraid of the dark? Maybe she needs some reassurance during the day about bedtime and how if your downstairs you can still hear her to make sure she’s safe. Kids can develop strong fears at this age. Also, I saw a super nanny once where a boy kept getting out of bed and super nanny said be boring and consistent, every time they get out just take them back to bed, no fuss. After a million times of doing this he got the hint. It took a few nights of massive effort but eventually he learned if I get out of bed mum or dad is just going to take me back. This being said, I bed share with my children so I don’t oppose that. I feel kids are only little once and if they want a cuddle in the night and it’s not bothering anyone then why not.

Your repercussions are of the type known to be ineffective, so I would alter those straight away. Punishments don’t won’t, taking away treats doesn’t work and consequences for the future dont work. Consequence for the behaviour gave to happen then and there for them to be able to connect them with the behaviour. In withdrawing a treat later you are only setting off another tantrum and making them dislike you more.

Not strict enough by far, sorry.

I have four and having been polled, none would describe me as super strict, in DSs words: 'We can argue with you but not like have a go or be rude.' I think he's pretty accurate tbh.

If they disagree and want to argue their pov then fine, I'll listen and if they make a good, valid point and they make it calmly, without kicking off, I'll consider changing my stance on it. If they're just mouthing off, well, they wouldn't. They know they'd lose all credibility and a significant amount of pocket money.

They've been brought up better than to call names, even the 5 year old and as for screaming at me, they wouldn't dare.

The level of disrespect you're describing, I'd tan their bloody hides for.

We are the same. And people always comment on my children’s manners. Being kind and respectful are non negotiable and have been from day dot. We owe it to our children and when these expectations are deeply ingrained from early on (combined with huge love, openness, affection and support) then it comes naturally to the child.

I’m not referring to you specifically @CNN25 but I know someone (who should know better) who is such a permissive mother that her parenting style is toxic. Her children are having increasing struggles at school and social interaction because they simply don’t understand why they can’t have their way all the time. And it’s a pity. They are lovely kids and she is a wonderful person but any kind of discipline seems to be her weak spot and her children simply don’t have any boundaries.

I agree. A punishment at a future time (like Tuesday) is meaningless to a six year old. They have no concept of time and it’s meaningless.

We cancelled the sleepover this Tuesday (which she has been looking forward to for weeks) but also didn’t allow her on her new swing set today, and no treats (food wise) whatsoever so it wasn’t just that. Very firm and direct tonight… so far so good 🤞🏻

I’m not furious at the suggestion, and I understand why some may think that from my OP and I thank people for their posts but honestly, in no way do I think she is neurodivergent. I have never been concerned about that. Honestly? She is head strong and stubborn!!

This exactly. Take charge, she needs structure and boundaries. Thats how you love her and give her a safe and secure home.
you’ve bought the lie that only modelling kindness and gentleness teaches a child to be this way. Firm and strict can raise delightful, polite and caring kids too.

My daughter would do this kind of thing often, she is a bright articulate and sociable girl but has a terrible temper and seems to get a kick out of arguing. She's 6 too.

I didn't want to see it at first, but school have referred her for a ND assessment. There's a bunch of other symptoms too but this inability to regulate herself is a big part of it. She struggles with transitions and is very needy, RSD is a big issue and she hates any form of goodbye.

The arguing is dopamine seeking behaviour and there are various strategies that you can try, if that's also what's going on. What works for us is, we don't give her anything to react to, we effectively grey rock her until she runs out of steam. Sensory stuff like a weighted blanket, high pressure hug, chew toy, all of that helps.

Consequences for any truly egregious behaviour are handled later, because in the moment she's angry and dysregulated it is just like pouring petrol on a fire.

You mention screen time is limited already, I'd also look at exercise and outdoor time because whether ND or not, kids that are properly tired will kick off less and sleep better. Do try the weighted blanket too, it will help her getting to sleep.

Cancelling something three days away is not going to be effective. Form a clear plan, with her input, about what is acceptable. Make your bottom lines really clear. No name calling, no screaming, you leave the room x mins after the end of reading book. Other things can be negotiated, door open, nightlight, listening to story/music recording. Each time she completes bed time successfully she gets a sticker. When she has 2 stickers she gets (small reward). When she gets 5 stickers she gets a slightly bigger reward, 10 stickers, bigger reward. She never loses a sticker. If you wanted to you could break down the behaviour more - no screaming one sticker, no names one sticker etc. Essentially though it needs to be achievable but working up towards a larger reward but requiring more time of being good. It takes up to a month to get new behaviours in place.

I think it is not possible to be truly friends with your children at that age however as they get older and they show responsibility and earn your trust you will move towards a more adult relationship. If she knows the boundaries she will feel more secure. Being a parent is about slowly giving more freedom, keeping discussions open and then hopefully by late teens they know the boundaries. Over time you can start to relax the structure as they age and they have more agency in negotiating the boundaries while still recognising that ultimately we all have some responsibility to each other.

You sound like such a loving mother, honestly. And I’m sure it probably seems counterintuitive or overly tough but it will pay dividends.

I think children are quite straightforward really and being direct/setting out your expectations without ever having to threaten or cajole is the sweet spot. I’m far from the perfect parent and lose my shit sometimes but I think when kids know what’s expected/what’s ok and not ok then it comes quite naturally to them.

And six is an age when they’ll come downstairs/ask for water/ask you to check under their bed. But screaming and name calling is never ok. I think it’s a good idea to set out the plan before you go upstairs. We are having a bath, then ten minutes to do what she likes, then teeth, bedtime story, five minute chat and cuddles and night night. One of mine always used to ask what he will think of to help him get to sleep so have a store or topics, ie. Plan our next family trip, plan the best birthday cake ever, think of what you’ll do when you next see your best friend etc. Having a nice thought to focus on as she winds down always helps xx

No future punishments at all. They are completely ineffective. Introduce consequences then and there when the behaviour occurs or don’t bother.

That’s a great idea and knowing my daughter she would love planning things like that! Thank you xx

She is going to struggle socially unless you get on top of this as other people won't put up with that.

I read your post earlier and didn’t comment but just saw this Instagram post that resonated with what you’d said.
I think you really need to get to the heart of why she’s finding bedtime so tough.

I was loving this post but you undid it all at "tan their bloody hides". I hope that's a joke.