Is our parenting technique too gentle?!

[GJD23000]

I need a bit of advice. My husband and I are starting to think we are too gentle on our 6 year old DD. I absolutely wouldn’t class us as ‘gentle parents’ but we are definitely on the gentler side of strict, we only have the one so I would say we are pretty relaxed with her. We are incredibly flexible in our jobs, which we love, but it also means we can be at her beck and call and are almost ‘too’ available for her. I ask now because her behaviour, especially around bedtime, has been getting increasingly bad - tonight she has screamed at us for over an hour, calling us horrible names and being very rude. She refuses to go to bed without us going to bed next door at the same time (we have on occasions done this when tired and watched some tv) Her attitude can sometimes be bad, quite rude and often she comes out with really mean things. Other times she is amazing, sooo funny, kind, loving and friendly but her ‘mean’ times seem to be increasing and I am wondering if we need to be stricter. You read the internet and it tells you all the horror stories of strict parenting but I’m starting to think the lack of it is leading to her disrespecting us….what are we doing wrong?! Help!

What a nonsense post.

What time does she go to bed? It’s possible she actually isn’t tired, could she cope with a slightly later bedtime with some time for readjng/colouring? I would try and chat to her during the day about what’s going on at bedtime, and see if you can establish what’s under the behaviour? Is she afraid of somethin, which is why she doesn’t want you to leave her?

Very judgemental post " no child of mine". The OP is looking for support and building blocks to change things. She does not need someone stealing her blocks that she is trying to put together.

@CNN25 is this just happening at bedtime?

If it is, then I think this is to do with reassurance at bedtime. One of mine was exactly the same, he hated being left on his own at bedtime and we got all the behaviour before he finally went to sleep. Was absolutely fine in the daytime. We used to dread bedtimes.. we too couldn’t leave him. He’d become hysterical. In the end, we accepted that he was behaving badly due to fear and we approached things differently. There was no magic bullet but life became more peaceful when we accepted that this was a symptom of him needing a lot of nighttime reassurance.

We have always been very firm and clear about how our two treat us and others. Unashamedly. The first hint of rudeness from when they were tiny got an immediate line in the sand “don’t you speak to me like that”. We explain we don’t speak to them or each other like they and we won’t accept it from them either.

Apparently we seen as very “lucky” that as teens they are lovely to us and we have a great family dynamic and close relationships.

I agree with the advice about winding down to bedtime in a set way every night. Make sure you always read a bedtime story and have some non-stimulating toys on the bed she can play with.

It does sound like she might be scared at night, so consider where the bed is, relative to the door. We also left all the upstairs doors open at night, so they didn't feel isolated and could hear us pottering about after they had gone to bed. You could always leave the hallway light on downstairs, so there's a bit of light and it doesn't feel like the whole house is asleep if they wake in the middle of the night.

Rather than staying in the bedroom at bedtime, we used to hang around upstairs, chatting in the bathroom, while we took it in turns to have a bath, sorting out washing, putting stuff away.

As for the rudeness; different things work. I have always found a sign of disapproval/disappointment and then stop all engagement until they want to be polite again works with my two.

hi @CNN25

I’ve had similar issues with DD6. She is the youngest of 2. She was never great at settling in her own bed - frequently ended up in my bed until she was probably 5.5. Her dad, my exH was a nightmare to live with, an extremely angry and at times scary man, so I’ve definitely been soft - probably too soft - as a reaction to that.

Things that have worked for me:

• consistent 8pm in bed, they read for a bit and then I read her a story about 8.30 and light off (tbh this is more of a challenge for me, getting kids fed, showered, ready for bed between getting home at 6 and 8pm bed 😵‍💫)
• a nightlight - this has helped hugely
• consequences - from no treats in lunchbox to missing out on something. I’ve been a bit wet on this as I feel guilty
• Tbh losing my rag at times and not always being prepared to cop her shit. Her dad was such a scary man I’ve tried to be kind and patient but actually a bit of well timed “This is UNACCEPTABLE” growling like the good old days of 80s parenting (like what I got daily vs twice a year) works wonders!!!!!!

@TheaBrandt1 that’s annoying people think you are ‘lucky’ when it’s your approach and the work you’ve done to create those positive relationships. It makes me feel a bit annoyed for you! ‘No, we are not lucky, it took work, our work!!’ ☺️

Gentle parenting is permissive parenting, the parenting that leads to the best outcomes is authoritative parenting, look up the developmental research on it.

You can be and need to be both firm and loving. On holiday with extended family with young children they are just incredible parents. If all parents were like them our society would not have the problems it does. They both work with teens professionally though.

Something that I would point out is the sanction is quite strong (fair enough) but days and days away, I think at this age sanctions need to be as instantaneous as possible, she's now got days to battle you over it and even if she is good then you've still got to follow through with the sanction for behaviour that happened days before.

Also, I follow someone called bratbusterparenting on Instagram and she's fab! Highly recommend!

Madness you’ve been letting your child dictate your bedtime. No wonder she thinks she rules the roost. Take control ffs.

There's a lack of consistency there, and it is giving her mixed messages.

Do the "Fed up of this now, see you in the morning" thing and put on headphones consistently for a month and see what happens. No more sitting in her room. She needs to know you mean business and are not to be swayed.

Also, try a sligtly earlier bedtime and cut off TV and other visually stimulating media in the evenings.

Half an hour earlier for getting off to bed might mean she's less wound up. If she dropped off after an hour of tantruming she was possibly overtired to begin with.

You need to sit her down in the morning and tell her name-calling is completely unacceptable. She needs to apologise.

Alternatively, an hour before bedtime tomorrow, give her a pep talk about expectations. There will be no tantrums. There will be no name-calling. There will be no screeching. She will get ready for bed peacefully, you will read together for 15 minutes. Then you will all say nighty night. Remind her when you start reading that your session will last 15 minutes/ two books. See how that goes.

@CNN25
Do you think she is over tired? She might be playing up because she is exhausted?

I agree with others that cancelling a sleepover next week is too far away to be connected to her behaviour now.

Do you give her plenty of warning about when things will happen? Ours responded well to that when they were little. We had a definite routine in place too. I think at that age it would have been bath, watching something on CBBC & a story. Milk & biscuit or something like that. We wouldn’t have stayed in corner of the room.

It sounds like you are trying to be different to your parents. Maybe you were also quite a strong personality & it was how they dealt with it?

I haven’t seen anyone mention rewards but we used to do marbles reward jar at that age. So they built up enough to get a treat. We used to work out rewards together. It would be something like 10 - sweets from shop 20 - comic 30 - visit to Poundland 40 - museum visit & so on. Maybe you could bring in something similar. So during day she gets marbles for things like getting ready for school on time, doing her reading book, saying please & thank you, helping tidy up etc & then every time she shouts at you then a marble gets taken out.

I would also not reward her by reacting - act like you don’t really care. If she is getting a reaction then she could do it more. It needs to be nipped in the bud otherwise she will be a nightmare when she is 14!

Yes. She's clearly in control you need to be much firmer

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/parenting-matters/202501/does-gentle-parenting-work?amp

This is a good article. @CNN25

While I agree with gentle parenting to an extent, I think the key is to be authoritative. I’ve just been away with a camping with a very large group of pretty lively boys. It was interesting to see which adults got control of a situation and those that struggled - and what techniques help. There definitely needs to be an assertiveness. Children will challenge, but they NEED to know and have that security that the adult is in control of the situation and is not going to be too permissive.
And the person who was in best control did do some fairly harsh ‘telling off’, but was also incredibly kind and positive.

Well she clearly has no respect for you so go figure .

‘You are 6 darling and adults don’t go to bed at the same time as 6 year olds.’
‘It’s bedtime now, good night see you in the morning’
Repeat. No discussion. Mean it.

@CNN25

Look, it's not easy to first instigate a new rule /routine but you sitting in the corner with headphones on just shouldn't be perpetuated any longer.

My DC x 2 were getting up all the time and coming back downstairs when they realised they could - although they were a lot younger than 6.
We just put them back to bed. Did not engage. Rinse and repeat. One night I think we counted 20+ times. Probably took about 2 weeks to a month to properly become the new routine.
You need consistency and commitment from the parents. Good luck.

I hope you get your evenings back soon

I don’t understand how the voting is meant to work - Ainu that our parenting is too gentle? Whatever you mean, this situation is ridiculous and you are not doing her any favours.

If she gets out of bed keep taking her back calmly and with minimal words- It’s bedtime. You might do it 20 times but she’ll tire before you .

Absolutely this
Although I think it's just normal parenting not strict parenting to teach your DC that it's time to
Wash hands and sit down to eat
Brush teeth
Go to bed
Behave appropriately for the environment eg no running indoors/ restaurants

Just parenting

How active is she? Do you go out for a walk after school/after dinner? Does she need to use up some energy?

As a mother who has raised two kind, considerate, well adjusted human beings. I can say this hand on heart, there is nothing wrong with losing your shit every now and then.
Animals snap at their young to show when a boundary has been crossed. Show her where that boundary is, don’t just sit in the corner whilst she dances all over it.

It sounds exhausting for all of you. A few suggestions here:

If she says she’s not tired, can she read independently in bed after you finish reading to her, or would it be acceptable for her to play quietly with a toy in bed? Otherwise offer a story on audible or whatever, after your stories have finished and she’s on her own.

wrt sanctions, are you giving warnings? eg If this horrible behaviour carries on we won’t be able to have a sleepover on Tuesday- we can only have sleepovers with people who behave properly at bedtime. I imagine you are, but I remember my next door neighbour once going from barely reacting to her kid then suddenly shouting at her “right that’s it, you’re not coming on holiday with us!” which understandably made the kid even more angry/upset because it was so sudden and disproportionate. Make it clear what will happen if the behaviour continues, allow a way out, a better choice, and follow through with whatever you said will happen (positive consequences as well as negative, if she does choose the behaviour you want).

Also do you have a pre-bedtime evening routine that is calming, not stimulating? Or signals that it’s time to wind down? Things that happen consistently every night and get her into that state of relaxation. Maybe bath and then a story downstairs, with a snack, then more stories upstairs after tooth brushing.

good luck!