Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 35 36

Original poster

Called the police

880 replies

Highfivemum · 02/04/2025 10:41

Had a person contact me previously stating that we shared the same parent. It could be true as had a very difficult and complicated childhood and one which I don’t want to remember. My DB and I chose to ignore it. Two days ago had a visit from a person stating they were related. I shut the door in their face. It was a huge shock and triggered every bad memory though I understand I should have acted better. Yesterday the door went again and it was a different person who also stated they were family and could they talk. I again shut the door. DH was going to stay at home today but had a meeting he had to go to and as soon as DH left for work the door goes again and it is both of them. I shut the door again and I called the police. I know it is not a police issue but I literally am sitting here shaking. DH is on his way home and DB can’t be contacted as away on business. I feel crazy for calling the police and no idea what they will say to me but I was so worried and panicked. Anyone know what can be done. ? I don’t want to know these people
and have no idea how they have traced me and found out my address. It is a mess and I feel ill with worry.

OP posts:

AnSolas · 02/04/2025 11:11

You can write a short note saying you dont want to be contacted and stick it on the inside of the door. If they call again hand the note to them before you shut the door.

If they have your email and home address it is likely that this was via someone close to you in your family or friend circle. Think about telling the most reliablely gossipy family members that you want no contact or to discuss it with anyone and let them send the message out to the wider circle.

Original poster

Highfivemum · 02/04/2025 11:11

i can see them outside. They are just hovering around our drive. I literally cannot begin to describe the feeling I have inside. DH is three mins away and will wait till he appears. Thank you for your replies

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/04/2025 11:13

They may be half siblings, or believe they are. They are likely very keen to make contact and as yet have done nothing wrong. Could your DH, or a friend, have a word and explain you are not interested in talking to them (if/when they come back). Someone really needs to tell them clearly but kindly so they understand. I’m sorry you are so upset. I am sure they likely are too.

SoMauveMonty · 02/04/2025 11:13

Swiftie1878 · 02/04/2025 11:07

Ring the police back, tell them you over reacted and don’t need them to come out - you’ll try to handle it yourself.
Next time they knock, say you appreciate that reaching out to ‘family’ may be important for them, but you want nothing to do with any extended family and would appreciate it if they respect your wishes and leave you alone.
THEN close the door.

Show quote history

This. If you feel you really can't speak to them, ask your DH to.

I think they've got a nerve turning up tbh, though i appreciate someone had previously emailed you. Thanks to programmes like Long Lost Family we're given, imo, an overly positive view of connecting with relatives either unknown or lost. The Gift on radio 4 recently has shown the perils of digging into ancestry.
Whatever has triggered their desire to contact you, your desire not to be in touch with them is equally valid.

My childhood was difficult, with people in it i'd sooner forget. If one of their relatives appeared at my door i'd be quite distressed.

44PumpLane · 02/04/2025 11:13

Write out a quick letter saying you do not wish to be contacted again and to please go away, keep it by the front door and if they turn up again hand it to them and shut the door

That way you don't have to engage but it gets the message over.

Livpool · 02/04/2025 11:15

YABU - I can’t believe you called the police to be honest! Just tell them you aren’t interested although so you even know what they want?! They may have information for you.

My nan inherited money from a distant cousin

Coffeeishot · 02/04/2025 11:15

Just let your husband deal with them, he can tell them not to come back.

KenIsAnAccessory · 02/04/2025 11:15

Just ask DH to speak to them when he's back. Find out what they want and say not interested in getting to know them.

Yeahno · 02/04/2025 11:15

They are setting off your flight response. You have to make an effort not to run away if they come again. Say something, " go away please don't come back". Have something rehearsed. Say it over and over until they leave.

Chezxx · 02/04/2025 11:16

How awful OP.
How about you write a short note and have it by the door and hand it to them.

Tell them clearly that you have no wish to engage with them or anyone connected with your awful childhood and to please not call or contact you again.
Take a photo of the note.
Hand it to them and close the door.
If they call again you can call 101 and explain that you feel harrassed by them.

I am so sorry, it sounds very stressful.

Flamingoknees · 02/04/2025 11:16

Read your update. I hope your DH can resolve this in a kind way for you OP 💐

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 02/04/2025 11:17

Hopefully your husband can tell them to not come back again.
I'm sorry this has upset you so badly.

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 02/04/2025 11:18

OP, keep strong. I am sorry you are in this position, it’s horrible.

All the posters saying to open the door and ask what they want/hear them out are being disingenuous. If they get their foot in the door, it will be harder to tell them to sling their hook.

I hope your DH can be clear with them to stop calling.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 02/04/2025 11:20

Well, hopefully your husband is there now and you'll be able to sort it all out.

I'm really sorry for the terrible childhood you must have had.

However, I don't understand what it has to do with these two blokes who if they are on the level just want to connect with siblings they have found. Maybe they had a terrible childhood too and part of the way of healing from that is to find their other siblings to Bond with.

Obviously, you are allowed not to want this, but I don't understand your reaction to these men, who are probably just looking for some family connections after a dreadful upbringing.

MirrorMirror70 · 02/04/2025 11:20

I can’t believe people are saying “why didn’t you just tell them you don’t want to speak to them?”

Surely slamming the door in someone’s face 2-3 times is enough of a message that you aren’t interested in speaking to them?!

I actually disagree that you overreacted, and the fact that they are still hanging around loitering on your driveway now just proves this. It’s harassment: they know full well you don’t want them there, but they are continually ignoring this and keep returning to your property.

I’d be interested to know the genders of these 2 people…

firkinn · 02/04/2025 11:20

Tbh I would be a bit worried too, especially as they’ve not got the hint you don’t want to talk and instead have turned up together! Hopefully your DH can deal with them and get them to go away, I understand you calling the police in a moment of fear / trauma response but realistically they won’t be much help in this situation. Can you get a ring doorbell or similar to allow you to see who it is before opening the door? It might help to tell them
to go away through it too?

It’s weird they’re hanging around too, they clearly know they’re not wanted!

andthat · 02/04/2025 11:21

Highfivemum · 02/04/2025 11:11

@Highfivemum it sounds like you have a lot of trauma related to your childhood. I understand why you shut the door.

When your DH gets home, ask him to speak to the couple calmly and say that you do not wish to speak to them and are asking them to respect your position and not contact you again.

Hopefully they are reasonable people and leave you alone. If they don’t and they keep turning up, then you can speak to the police.

SocksShmocks · 02/04/2025 11:21

I’m sorry you’re so upset. By the sounds of what you’ve said about your complicated childhood they could well be related and feeling just as upset and overwhelmed as you. That doesn’t mean you need to speak to them or should feel any obligation to do so but to give context.

If you don’t feel able to speak to them even to tell them you don’t want contact then your DH needs to. Otherwise you are not being clear with them.

Good luck.

Darker · 02/04/2025 11:21

They shouldn’t be hanging about outside, or waiting until the OP is home alone to knock on the door! They must know that their appearance has caused upset, so why are they persisting in a way that the OP clearly finds intimate?

OP I think you are going with your instincts when you feel it’s a police matter. It sounds very ‘off’ to me.

Greenscarf1 · 02/04/2025 11:22

Highfivemum · 02/04/2025 11:11

This is strange behaviour though - I would feel unnerved.

Yes as others have said you do need to tell them no, but equally that minimises the understandable reaction you’ve had - as someone said it’s triggered your fight/flight reaction.

It isn’t really a police matter. But could you look to install a door camera or something to help you feel a bit safer, and don’t answer the door without looking who it is first?

WearyAuldWumman · 02/04/2025 11:24

I'm sorry, OP. I've seen this from both sides. Shan't sidetrack the thread.

I agree that they should have taken the hint from your panicked response. I hope that your DH is there soon.

Given that they keep hanging around, I don't think that contacting the police is an overreaction when people refuse to move on. (They might be relatives of some kind; they might not. The fact is that you don't want to see them.)

Pandimoanymum · 02/04/2025 11:25

Totally wrong for these people to turn up unannounced like that. I know someone who was adopted and wanted to find her birth mother and when she did, she did the same thing- went to the house and announced to the person opening the door that she was so and so’s daughter. It was awful, caused the birth mother a lot of distress and trouble as it was her DH who answered the door and he knew nothing about his wife having an adopted child.
I think it was quite understandable that you just shut the door on them in the shock of the moment. You weren’t expecting them and it triggered bad memories for you, a horrible experience all round.
I also can’t understand why these people persisted in coming to the house after the first time! They got no reply to their message, fair enough they may have thought you didn’t receive it. But when you’ve clearly demonstrated you don’t want contact why bother coming back?! Their need to know about you doesn’t take precedence over your need to NOT want to know about them.

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 02/04/2025 11:25

I suspect that I have/had (one died) half siblings. I’m not sure that I would slam the door in their face if they knocked. Your situation is different than mine however, I think I would possibly ask someone to talk to them for me. Your DH? to kindly talk to them, explain your reaction, not detailed but to give them enough information so they a, understand your reaction and b, don’t persist in the same manner

I’m NC with my Dad due to the potential half sibling situation but it’s not their fault that he is a vile man.

GenerousGardener · 02/04/2025 11:27

Hope you are ok OP. I’m wondering if they have some important news to give you? After you shutting the door on them, I think if I was them I’d have written you a quick note. If they just want contact then hopefully your DH has told them that you don’t wish this to happen and they go away.
Im sorry you are going through this.

Iwanttenofthose · 02/04/2025 11:27

You're not being unreasonable to not want contact with them, but I don't think it would be unreasonable to expect you to explain that to them - maybe if you feel unable to do this on the spot, you could pre-write a short note that you could keep near the door and hand to them if they call round again, rather than just shutting the door on them.

You are being very unreasonable by involving the police though, it's not a police matter and I would go so far as to say you're wasting police time.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 35 36