Called the police

[Highfivemum]

Had a person contact me previously stating that we shared the same parent. It could be true as had a very difficult and complicated childhood and one which I don’t want to remember. My DB and I chose to ignore it. Two days ago had a visit from a person stating they were related. I shut the door in their face. It was a huge shock and triggered every bad memory though I understand I should have acted better. Yesterday the door went again and it was a different person who also stated they were family and could they talk. I again shut the door. DH was going to stay at home today but had a meeting he had to go to and as soon as DH left for work the door goes again and it is both of them. I shut the door again and I called the police. I know it is not a police issue but I literally am sitting here shaking. DH is on his way home and DB can’t be contacted as away on business. I feel crazy for calling the police and no idea what they will say to me but I was so worried and panicked. Anyone know what can be done. ? I don’t want to know these people
and have no idea how they have traced me and found out my address. It is a mess and I feel ill with worry.

I don't think anyone is minimising her 'feelings' but that doesn’t mean her 'feelings' mean the knockers have committed a criminal offence.

Even if OP lived somewhere where the Police have nothing better to do and happened to turn up when they were outside, what do you think would happen?

Hello..what do you want? Knockers give long explanation of how they think they're related and want to ask or tell OP x, y or z.

Okay, we'll tell her but she doesn't want to talk to you so just leave it.

Okay. She wouldn't talk to us though and we think it's important.

Okay.

Hardly an effective use of Police time. And could have been avoided.

They sound strange loitering about you garden, clearly you are not interested in speaking to them.
It is bad form to doorstop people.

It's acceptable in some cases - remember, we have no idea what they actually want yet. The OP assumes they are relatives who just want to talk about family but it may be something much more important to to the OP, if she knew what it was.

You may not want anything to do with them but they have a right to know you are their sibling,

I'd say if they come back have a note prepared and just hand it to them, say please read this and please don't come back. Then shut the door again. I think if you write them a note just saying it's too traumatic and you are refusing contact. That way they know for certain your position on the subject. The door slamming clearly wasn't getting the message through.
The police probably won't do much. No crime has taken place.

They don't have a right to her time and attention.

How did they get your address?

It is absolutely not a police matter.

People are allowed to ring on other peoples door bells.

Most people aren’t psychic.

It may be helpful for you to have a think on what you want to say and jot yourself sone notes so if they come back you can clearly explain that you’re not interested and would prefer it if they didn’t contact you again.

But she doesn't want to know what it is. She doesn't want to reopen old wounds. And she's allowed to feel that way.

Their desire to want to get to know op or pass on news isn't more important than ops desire to want nothing to do with them.

No they don’t. There is no legal right to ‘know your sibling’ in law or under human rights.

Best to say what it is the OP is not interested in, in case it's not that they've called about.

They have emailed, but have no way of knowing if their email was received?

If for instance one of OPs parents have died, it is not the sort of thing you would put in an email that you aren't sure is received. I don't think turning up at the door is appropriate and if they have any news that they think OP absolutely needs to know then they should leave a note.

If they are just interested in a relationship I think the response from OP would make it perfectly clear that it is unwelcome and they should not keep trying, something would definitely be serious if they won't take a door being slammed in their face for an answer.

My point was, the easiest way to deal with this would have been to reply to an email, so 'no thank you, I have no interest at all, please don't ever contact me again' .. and it would have left no ambiguity for whether an approach via other means would be appropriate or not.

They could have travelled a fair distance to meet her. We don't know the OP's full story, and that's fine. We don't need to. She doesn't want to meet or have any contact with them, but it's not been communicated.

The people who have turned up will have more questions than answers the OP wants to give, and that may be hard for them to accept. They clearly want some form of relationship, and they have made an effort to track her down and visit.

IMO they lost the right to be told nicely that OP isn’t interested the instant they knocked on her door.

It’s one thing getting in touch with someone who you believe could be related, but if there’s no response then you leave it there.

Turning up on someone’s doorstep and knocking not once, but multiple times after you’ve had the door slammed in your face isn’t on.

I wouldn’t be telling them nicely that you’re not interested because you’ve had a difficult time or acknowledging that this might be difficult, I would be firmly telling them to fuck off and never come back.

They lost the right to be treated with compassion when they started doorstepping the OP.

OP, I hope your husband has managed to talk to them and emphasise you do not want any contact. I understand they may be desperate for information but doorstepping is absolutely not the way to do it. They know your address, they could send a letter. Do you have a ring doorbell? Can you talk to them without opening the door and explain what you have said here, that you had a traumatic childhood and want nothing to do with any relatives at all?
I do think calling the police is justified, if you’ve shut the door in their face they should accept their presence is not welcome and this is harassment.

Tell them face to face “I’m sorry but I don’t want anything to do with you or this situation. Please leave me alone and do not return to my house. If you continue, then I will be reporting you to the authorities for stalking and harassment”.

I feel for you OP, it’s obviously really freaked you out and unnerved you. You shouldn’t feel obliged to just invite complete strangers into your home and talk to them. Because that’s what they are. Even if they are relatives, they are still strangers and should have sent you a letter first rather than just turning up. Cheeky mares.

It’s really bad to just turn up unannounced at someone’s home and expect to talk. Really bad.

So what?!

Exactly. Not only will they fail to deal with anything to do with this in any timely manner, but it's not in their remit in the first place anyway. Trust me, they couldn't be less bothered with anything like this.

As I have said already , maybe it's news of a million pound inheritance - ok, maybe the OP wouldn't want that, but plenty would, and knocking on the door a couple of times wouldn't be considered too intrusive by most people in that case. Maybe they need to tell her of an inherited medical condition she could be in danger from. She's assuming they just want to get to know her or pass on news she doesn't want; she doesn't know that.

Doesn’t matter. They clearly have her address [also concerning], so if it is about legal notification of a death or inheritance, then this is done via a solicitor’s letter.

There really is no acceptable reason to arrive and loiter in her garden [repeatedly] and, I repeat, she is under no obligation to respond.

No, she does not have to talk to them at all. Two total strangers turn up at your door, you do not engage.

If they have important news can't they put a note through? With contact details? Then the ball is in @Highfivemum court.

If it’s an inheritance there are official channels who can deliver that message.

There is literally 0 reason why these people should be knocking on her door when slamming the door has delivered the message very loud and clear.

Unless maybe they’ve come to invite the OP to a mutual dancing on the parent’s grave.

Exactly they were not invited to come

I have been on both ends of this so I have NC to comment.

My father has multiple children with multiple women so I have a lot of half siblings scattered around. I as do they all have a terrible relationship with him.

Occasionally they would contact me, and I would genuinely freak out. I would associate them with the horrible childhood he gave me. I just saw them as an extension of him and it used to make me panic. I would ignore the messages and hope they would go away.

They didn’t bother contacting me again after a few tries and now looking back I do feel guilty. His behaviour was nothing to do with them and they just wanted a relationship with their half sibling.

Fast forward to around a decade later everyone I know was doing an ancestry dna, so I did one too. Not to find family just to see where I was from. I matched up with a sibling I didn’t know I had and contacted her, and she had the same reaction I had when I was previously contacted by my half siblings. She said it was a lot to process and she didn’t know what to make of it/ if she wanted any contact and never messaged again, so I didn’t either. (all fine, she’s well in her right to be overwhelmed by it and not want to relive the past, I totally get it as I was on the receiving end of it once too)

What they’re doing lingering around the drive way and knocking is very intrusive and I can understand why you panicked. I don’t think the police will do anything. Try and pluck up the courage to say you are finding this too much, and please don’t return, you will contact them if you wish to in the future. Ask your husband to if you can’t.

Breathe! It will be ok. You’re in fight or flight mode. I’m sure they mean no harm and are just excited they found they had a relation to you. But have gone about it the wrong way. X