Called the police

[Highfivemum]

Had a person contact me previously stating that we shared the same parent. It could be true as had a very difficult and complicated childhood and one which I don’t want to remember. My DB and I chose to ignore it. Two days ago had a visit from a person stating they were related. I shut the door in their face. It was a huge shock and triggered every bad memory though I understand I should have acted better. Yesterday the door went again and it was a different person who also stated they were family and could they talk. I again shut the door. DH was going to stay at home today but had a meeting he had to go to and as soon as DH left for work the door goes again and it is both of them. I shut the door again and I called the police. I know it is not a police issue but I literally am sitting here shaking. DH is on his way home and DB can’t be contacted as away on business. I feel crazy for calling the police and no idea what they will say to me but I was so worried and panicked. Anyone know what can be done. ? I don’t want to know these people
and have no idea how they have traced me and found out my address. It is a mess and I feel ill with worry.

DH should warn them that neither you nor your brother are interested in engaging with them.

However, if they want to write a letter with any evidence they have, and outlining what they actually want (if anything) it will be read, but he will not guarantee any response from you.

I must say this is a textbook example of how not to approach unknown relatives. They could not have got this more wrong if they tried, and I would be be
very wary of them in future.

You owe no one politeness when they are continually ignoring your response to them, which anyone with more than 2 brain cells would interpret as ‘go away’.
The fact they have waited until your husband leaves the house, turned up mob handed and are now still loitering is a giant red flag

I'd agree with this.

The 'couple of chaps on the door' where two people telling her they were family and two people getting the door slammed in their faces, after written correspondence was ignored. She has made it very clear she doesn't want to know them, the second knock should never have happened.

How on earth did they get the OP's email?

Googling a definition doesn't mean it applies or that the Police would get involved.

Nor do 'feelings' come into it. 'Feeling threatened/harassed ' isn't the same as being threatened or harassed in law.

I think how you have acted is totally understandable, given your background history. However, lots of people search for family links and many are welcomed by people who didn't previously know of their existence. It's really important that you give them a clear but polite message that you're not interested in making any form of contact with them and they must leave you alone. Hopefully, with your DH's support you have now been able to do this.

The original post details one visit (presumably preceded by a knock) two days ago; another knock at the door - different person - yesterday; another knock at the door today with both of them turning up after waiting for the husband to leave.

That's enough to spook anyone who's nervous because of their past.

So you think it’s acceptable for people to turn up unannounced and hang around outside OPs house? Whilst they may not be breaking any law, OP feels harassed. They have made it very clear they don’t want to speak to these people. Stop minimising the OPs feelings, you have no idea what they may have been through to cause such a reaction to these people.

I totally understand your reaction - it must have flipped you back to the past. But try to take care of yourself by telling them clearly.

then you notify the police if they persist

just slamming door is leaving the door open (metaphorically) for them to keep trying - they might be thinking “she’s just in shock, let’s try again next week”

That I can't answer.

ETA I do know that some firms sell on data, so that might be it.

They can’t necessarily assume OP has even read the email, let alone ignored it. It may be that a man visited on the first occasion, and a female relative thought she might appear less intimidating and tried the second time. This, in itself, sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Naturally the update about loitering changes things.

OP was understandably shocked as I would be but if I was having a door repeatedly shut in my face then I would take the hint and leave. I certainly wouldn’t be hanging around in my car.

definitely not a police matter at this stage. OP I hope your husband is now back and has helped you deal with this.

Again, I’m talking about before the update which mentioned them loitering.

I think shutting the door is quite obviously telling them you want nothing to do with them. No need to repeatedly come back. It’s not wrong to shut your own door to someone you don’t know/don’t want to speak to, don’t let the weirdos on MN make you feel it is. I’d want to know how your address was available to these strangers. I hope you’re ok OP.

As if the police didn’t have better things to do.

Three unwanted visits in three days - detailed in the OP - is more than enough.

They knocked... They didn't throw a hand grenade into your home op.
Maybe seek help with your anxiety...
Curiously how would you cope with JW or a door to door salesman?

Unless they refused to leave or were violent or abusive its not a Police matter.
I appreciate its upsetting for you but you just need to ask them to go away and not bother you again

The Protection from Harassment Act 1997 indicates that someone’s actions amount to harassment when they make the victim feel distressed, humiliated, threatened or fearful of further violence. The main goal of harassment is to persuade victims either not to do something that they are entitled or required to do or to do something that they are not obliged to do. Actions listed under the Protection from Harassment Act include, but are not limited to:

• phone calls
• letters
• emails
• visits
• stalking
• verbal abuse of any kind, including on social media
• threats
• damage to property
• bodily harm[2].

Such actions amount to harassment when they occur more than once.

Please note the use of the word 'feel'. It doesn't mean the police will get involved but it doesn't mean the OP was unreasonable either.

Continuing to hassle OP who is clearly distressed by their presence is wrong. Any normal person would have left. She may not have been able to find the words but I think a door in the face is a signal most of us would pick up on!

Phishing scam, company selling a database, staff from a company helping scammers, it's even possible someone known to OP gave it to them if they know some sort of family background. OP stated neither her or her brother are registered with ancestry sites so it does feel scammy that a long lost relative somehow got her email address.

You poor thing, this is clearly very upsetting for you. I can’t believe the lack of sympathy you’ve been getting. Don’t open the door when you’re home alone. Let DH tell them very clearly not to return, or they will be reported for harassment.

I hope you feel calmer soon 💐

Salesmen probably don’t trigger upsetting childhood memories. Whilst we’re recommending treatment to one another maybe you should see if the doctor can locate your missing compassion.

I can completely understand why you didn't say anything.

One day a friend from hundreds of miles away just turned up on my doorstep. I was so surprised that I genuinely was struck dumb. It was only when she said 'well invite me in then' that I managed to find my voice. And that was a friend that I was delighted to see. It's all well and good saying you should have said something, but sometimes the brain just doesn't work that way.

Fwiw I don't think the police will be crazy for you phoning, especially given that they are still outside. While I can understand their desire to make contact, what they want isn't in any way more important or justified than what you want - which is for them to leave you alone. They have no rights to your time.

I hope this gets resolved quickly and fully.

No. These people (assuming they are the same people) have written and emailed [how they obtained the email address is concerning] and Op declined to respond. She is under no legal, moral or ethical obligation to respond to unsolicited contact. When children are adopted they are not given birth parent info unless they have expressly given permission for contact for this reason. It is absolutely abhorrent to arrive at her home consequently and constitutes harassment.

Her actions - non reply to written and electronic communications; AND the closing of the door on not one but two occasions - are all very clear indications that she does not wish to entertain their contact. Loitering on her drive is trespass and intimidation. OP is not at fault here and the police SHOULD respond to an urgent request for their presence at her home (probably won’t however).

OP, you may, if you still have the email/postal address, wish to seek out an injunction to underscore that they are not to contact you ever again.