Cheap engagement ring. AIBU

[Georgia1105]

Hi. I’ll give you full picture, I’d really like to know others opinions on whether I’m being unreadable or not. So me and my fiancé have been together 10 years. We have 2 children together. My first engagement ring was about 6 months into our relationship. He never really ‘proposed’ to me. He just casually looked at rings and we discussed which ones I liked. I think I may have even put something towards the ring I’m not entirely sure. I was young and just happy to be proposed to. Although I have a different view now being 34 years old.. back then I was happy. Some years later we briefly separated and I told him I didn’t want to engaged. When we got back together, I said he’d have to propose again and properly. As he never officially asked me the first time. There was no emotional moment of getting down on one knee or anything like that. I believe every lady deserves that sort of effort from the man she’d be spending the rest of her life with. Anyways months later he ended up asking me to marry him when I was feeling icky, sat on my sofa with greasy hair and on my period. The kids were in the room. It wasn’t Romantic at all. I mean can this man not put any effort in? And the ring well…. He left it in the gift bag so I looked up the store he bought it from. As soon as I go onto the website … boom it’s there. The price was £379 or there abouts. So he didn’t spend much on it at all…. Nor did it seem like he put much thought into searching for a ring which I might like. Just the first one that pops up on the website. I can’t help but feel cheated out of a nice romantic proposal and a half decent ring. I can’t even stand to wear it never mind look at it. I feel angry. I’d like genuine thoughts am I being reasonable here?

So you want the grand gesture but what if that makes him uncomfortable?!?! What’s more important?

Your engagement sounds just like mine and I would never hold it against my DH! A “grand gesture” would have just been stressful for him. And my ring was only £199 and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Just to add, I am the romantic in the relationship, but I can also be realistic in my expectations from someone who isn’t as comfortable with romance as I am.

So what effort have you gone to to declare your undying love for the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? How much did you spend on his commitment ring?

Or maybe she was asking for something he wasn’t comfortable with. Not everyone is comfortable with “grand gestures”, if she really wanted one then she could have asked him herself instead of expecting him to be the one to put the effort in.

You are making it all about you really. Some people (particularly men) are just not good at planning a big romantic proposal (and as you've already built a life together with two children it is just a formality at this stage). He might have felt it's a bit silly to do a big romantic proposal for someone he already spends his life with. Just like how some people don't want a big wedding, some people feel embarrassed at doing a showy proposal.

If you had strong opinions on the ring, you should have picked out exactly what you wanted and asked for it.

Ultimately whilst you could have dictated every romantic step of the proposal, you want someone who innately understands romantic gestures and that clearly isn't him.

So why didn't she propose to him and make it special and romantic, instead of waiting year after year for him to do it? What I find frustrating is the way so many women on this thread are so in thrall to highly gendered roles and stereotypes. 'He is a man so he must make me feel special with an elaborate proposal and an expensive ring! I am a woman so I must passively wait to be asked for my hand in marriage!'

It's nearly a £400 ring.

You're right. Women should have to do everything. She only gave him two kids - far too much to expect him to propose as well! She should have put it on her own to do list!

What silly juvenile sarcasm. Yawn. She's the one who appears desperate to get married and he doesn't, so yeah, why doesn't she just ask him? Just a 'hey, why don't we get married soon' instead of all this silly fuss about rings and how much they cost.

Sounds romantic. Just because some people are happy to settle for that, doesn't mean OP should.

I don't see anything romantic in a woman hanging around for a decade waiting for her partner to decide whether to get married or not because for some reason she can't or won't decide. I don't see anything romantic in women being passive spectators in their own lives, waiting for men to make the important decisions, judging their own worth by how much a man does or doesn't spend on a piece of jewellery for them.

Yes, that sounds rather like settling.

Unless of course you're not actually bothered for getting married, which tbh I'm still not sure if OP actually is?

First of all, just because you’ve been together 10,15 or 20 years doesn’t mean you deserve a low effort engagement.

You wanted him to show you a bit of effort, he decided to propose whilst you was on the sofa feeling unwell on your period. I’m surprised you said yes but I guess in the moment you probably didn’t want to say no. I would personally not expect anything grand but a bit of effort, my DH proposed on the beach on holiday away from everyone else.

He didn’t listen to you - and almost acted like he just wanted to get it out of the way (sorry) you are allowed to be upset.

I am guessing he isn’t the most thoughtful person? What’s he like on anniversaries and birthdays?

With the cost of the ring… I think it’s relative to how much someone earns / has spare. If someone only has £50 to put aside each month then I think £399 is quite a lot. I was quite honest with my DH and said I didn’t want something that would cost thousands of pounds as I have a habit of losing jewellery. Mine cost around £550. I thought that was a lot.

If he earns a lot of money and £399 is nothing to him then maybe I can see why you’re upset.

I agree “the bar is on the floor” for a lot of the behaviour that women put up with from men. However, a social media-worthy proposal and bling ring isn’t a measure of whether he’s a good man. If he treats her with kindness, consideration and respect, is a good dad to their kids and works together as a partner in their team then that’s what matters. An ‘ ‘inadequate’ proposal is not a “scrap of attention”. The bar should be high for behaviour, not for how grand a proposal is.

Exactly- in many cases the marriage is a legal formality and the couple have already committed/proved their love to each other. You'd already agreed to marry each other before and that didn't pan out; are you sure he actually wants to get married this time?

It sounds you have a very specific idea about proposal and engagement ring, which are mostly based on media and kind of fairy tale.

It isn't wrong to have such a wish, but it isn't the only way possible and it isn't the ultimate proof of value he sees in you/your relationship.
Many people marrying after children don't do grandiose gestures and kneeling, but just agree on getting married.

Now you are upset that he didn't guess your wish.
It sometimes happen. What would you like to happen now?
Could you tell him you would like to celebrate it together, and suggest you would really like if he could plan... whatever is nice and realistic for you, be it a proper date night with dinner and dressing up for this occasion or nice clothes and a favourite wine at home.

Sorry, post sent multiple times

Sorry, post sent multiple times

It doesn't have to be social-media worthy, just considered and thoughtful. That is part of someone's behaviour, in my book.

But I agree with you - one occasion isn't the measure of a person and I'm sure he's a good partner and wonderful dad in lots of other ways. Just felt people were being unduly harsh on Op for being upset - it's a once in a lifetime thing and it's only natural to feel underwhelmed if expectation didn't meet reality.

My engagement ring was under £300. My husband couldn’t figure out how to do one knee so went on both and fumbled the box. Then we had a takeaway.

Marriage is not about the ring, the proposal, the wedding, or the honeymoon. It’s cementing a long term relationship. It’s providing legal stability. It’s about THE PERSON.

”Boohoo my ring is ONLY £379 (I looked it up because I’m materialistic) and I didn’t get the proposal I wanted”.

Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? Because it is.

I suspect part of the problem is the op’s partner doesn’t view it as a ‘once in a lifetime thing’, because they've done it before. The op said herself, she was happy with things then. It’s age / maturity which has changed how she viewed that proposal.

The op broke that engagement, and they’ve since worked to get the relationship to a better place. I wonder if the op’s partner views getting engaged this time as more of a formality. It brings the relationship back to where it was.

I only know of two couples who went on to get married after breaking off their original enhancement. One just started wearing their ring again, I presume after a conversation between them. The other sent wedding invitations, but there was no talk of an engagement first.

I don’t actually think there’s a right or wrong here.

If you love him and really want to marry him, then I'm not sure what your issue is. My late DH just said one day, 'Maybe we should get married.' It was a lovely moment because it was spontaneous and real. I never got an engagement ring - we were broke. We were together for 40 years and we were very happy. It's not how he proposes that's important, or the price of the ring - it's if he really wants it, and if you really want it that counts. If that's the case, be glad you're together now. One day, you won't be.

Just curious. Why does the value and size of a ring mean so much to you?

My DH proposed to me with what you'd consider a "cheap" ring. We had very little at the time and I told him not to spend much, because we'd had the marriage conversation.

I didn't want to start married life with him having spent money that's hard earned and even harder saved, when that could be put towards our life.

These days, my man does well for himself, to use your (slightly cringe) phrase. So do I. I still would have told him to not spend thousands, because building our life together is what matters, not how much the sparkly thing on my finger cost.

I also noted you said you wouldn't want to be a "low effort woman" and you'd rather be high maintenance. Do you know what that actually means? I'm "low effort" because I genuinely couldn't care less about jewellery, designer bags, make up, fancy restaurants, etc. But I won't stand for being treated poorly, which means thoughtlessness, having to do all the mental load, all the housework, etc. I'm low effort because we're a team. He doesn't have to put in the love, thought etc AND worry about spending all our savings keeping me happy. He just has to give me his time.

The first ring on the first page does have a whiff of "that'll do " about it.....

All very fair op, not sure why you're getting a hard time. You're having a tiny wedding and he can afford it. Other posters spend money in trips, handbags etc, so I'm not sure why you're getting such a hard time.

No a ring doesn't have to last a life time your love and respect has to last a life time marriage is hard its not all fairytales and cinderella shit it's some really tough times and some heartbreaking times with special times thrown in. It's going to bed knowing that the person lying next to you would give there life for yours and you there's. To be honest he sounds like a good guy not all men are built the same and they arnt all Gerrard butler unfortunately and romantic. Your not seeing that he still thought of you when he brought it and was probably thinking he'd done good now all you've done is lower his self-confidence if he's a good dad a good partner then your luckier than most be greatful 🙄