Cheap engagement ring. AIBU

[Georgia1105]

Hi. I’ll give you full picture, I’d really like to know others opinions on whether I’m being unreadable or not. So me and my fiancé have been together 10 years. We have 2 children together. My first engagement ring was about 6 months into our relationship. He never really ‘proposed’ to me. He just casually looked at rings and we discussed which ones I liked. I think I may have even put something towards the ring I’m not entirely sure. I was young and just happy to be proposed to. Although I have a different view now being 34 years old.. back then I was happy. Some years later we briefly separated and I told him I didn’t want to engaged. When we got back together, I said he’d have to propose again and properly. As he never officially asked me the first time. There was no emotional moment of getting down on one knee or anything like that. I believe every lady deserves that sort of effort from the man she’d be spending the rest of her life with. Anyways months later he ended up asking me to marry him when I was feeling icky, sat on my sofa with greasy hair and on my period. The kids were in the room. It wasn’t Romantic at all. I mean can this man not put any effort in? And the ring well…. He left it in the gift bag so I looked up the store he bought it from. As soon as I go onto the website … boom it’s there. The price was £379 or there abouts. So he didn’t spend much on it at all…. Nor did it seem like he put much thought into searching for a ring which I might like. Just the first one that pops up on the website. I can’t help but feel cheated out of a nice romantic proposal and a half decent ring. I can’t even stand to wear it never mind look at it. I feel angry. I’d like genuine thoughts am I being reasonable here?

I don’t think the ring is the problem really, is it?

My ring cost more than that 25 years ago, but, that was before kids. Now, with three kids, we couldn't spend that much. Or if we could, there would be something for the kids or house that i would think is more of a priority.

Is an engagement ring something to be "proud" of? I don't know, that seems a weird emotion- I would be more proud of having a stable relationship and loving family to be honest. I didn't get the romantic proposal either, but all these years later there are so many things more important. I wonder if you are feeling negative to it all as a symptom of unhappiness overall. If romance is important to you, communicate this- work on your relationship and you might find the size of the ring doesn't matter two hoots.

She already had the nothing ring and nothing proposal and stayed slither first time it's got nothing to do with what he has bought and fully about the effort put into it. If had put effort into looking for the ring and picking it out if he had out effort into the proposal instead if leaving it in the bag. I do t think she would be softened by a 30pound ring

Is it him or his money that matters?

Does he make an effort with Christmas and birthday gifts? Mine is simply 100% hopeless at anything like that. No proposal and no ring. 28 years later and it’s not really made one jot of difference. I knew what he was like and still thought it was a good idea to get married so I did. If it’s symptomatic of his general way and you love him then don’t see the problem, if he’s usually more thoughtful and excited by these rituals then maybe he’s not really into it so you need to make a judgement on whether it’s you or the concept of marriage he’s disinterested in and decide accordingly what to do.

I e literally no idea how much my ring was. I got the big proposal abroad in a beautiful place. No ring at the time. A plastic one so o could choose. But o don’t recall prices when I chose. And within 10 years we were separated and getting divorced after 2 kids. So big gestures and expensive rings don’t signify forever.

£379 is a good price, I don’t think it’s cheap. I would be happy with a £100 ring.

I understand what you are feeling. My wedding ring was only cheap as we spent all the money on the wedding and I was happy with that but 2yrs on I still don’t have a decent one. Mine was under £50 costume type ring. It makes you feel cheap and I compare mine to other people’s. However, a few hundred isn’t that cheap. Depending what his/ your disposable income is. I think the lack of romance is the issue. Especially when you wanted a grand gesture for him to show you how much you mean to him after the separation. Do you feel valued and loved in the relationship aside from this? I suspect if you were happy, you wouldn’t have felt the need to google the ring. How do you know the carat of the diamond? Was that style the only one? As usually there’s a few different options for carats for each style.

Don’t listen to all these people bashing you because you asking for something slightly more than bare minimum, as women we are basically programmed to accept the bare minimum from men and it’s wrong. You even asked him for more and he didn’t provide it, tells you everything you need to know

You've been together ten years and have two children. IMO the ship has sailed for a big proposal.

He wants to marry you. He wants you to be his wife. Do you want that? Or do you want jewelry and a big showy event? Have you actually - with two kids - got a lot of money to spare for a big ring?

Why did you break up?

You are 34, you have two children and you have been together for a decade. The time to expect an elaborate ring and proposal was before you made the ultimate commitment of having kids. He has already proposed twice, you've got two rings out of him, it's silly to expect him to keep buying rings and proposing. He's asked you, now the decision you have to make is do you want to marry him or not?

Well I appreciate all of you, and your replies. This has certainly put things into perspective for me. I don’t want a lavish wedding or a lavish dress. I’d like to elope just to the 2 of us with a random witness if I could get away with it. I’m autistic and I don’t like all eyes on me and social aspects of weddings. I just like nice jewellery and unlike the dress - it has to stand the test of time. A lot of valid points have been made. I do disagree with the fact that no effort should be put into a proposal just because we’ve been together 10 years and have two children. I only plan on getting married once. I want it to be a romantic, memorable moment. If it’s going to be half assed then what’s the point? People re-new their vows after 40 years together and they can be full of love and romance. I guess there is no ‘perfect proposal’ and doing in it the lounge was just fine. As for the ring I still want an upgrade. My man does well for himself haha 😛

I guess if you had a completely different vision of ‘the proposal’ then I can see why you might be disappointed. But it does sound like this was a gesture to get you guys back on track as you were already engaged. So don’t now have two rings?

How would you have felt if he had spent thousands on a ring and got you in debt as a family? Perhaps he paid what he could comfortably afford, without dipping into credit etc.

if you really do want to marry him, maybe forgive his efforts now, and move on gracefully. You can always go for a much nicer wedding band……..

I appreciate that! I don’t understand this notion that because we’ve been together 10 years - I deserve a low effort proposal? Should effort not be made for the entire relationship? Otherwise we’d be better parting ways…

OP I’m not going to pile on about how you’ve done it all in the wrong order because that’s judgmental bullshit. I was with my husband for 9 years before he proposed, buying our house and having our daughter were a higher priority (being actual life changing events, unlike a wedding), but what you have done is settle.

has he always been more chill on the effort and has he always known that you need more?
Is it a recurring issue in your relationship? Or something that’s come more recently.

I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting a bigger proposal, the fact he didn’t even take the ring out of the bag shows it wasn’t important to him. That would feel like a ‘shut up ring’ to me ☹️

ive had two proposals, one was public in a restaurant full of people while I was working the Valentine’s Day shift, and it was awful. I hated every second of it, and looking back it was just a symptom of an awful relationship.

my second was just the two of us in a hotel room when I’d just gotten out of the shower with wet hair and just in my bra and chub rub shorts, but I cried big fat happy tears because it was him that was asking.

I don’t think it’s just the proposal that’s the problem here.

A lot of people say that it doesn't matter, if you loved him you wouldn't care blah blah ..
The truth is, does it have the time to think and plan to make it special?
Does he know your taste and what you'd like?
Does he actually care how you want to spend the rest of your life like?
Do you love him or are you still together because of the kids? Does he?

My husband is not one for grand gestures, but he planned my proposal months and months in advance. Jeez he even said to me afterwards he'd delayed it for a couple of months as he was flying us out to Paris (which I'd always wanted to go and he did it as a surprise) and there was a football final of some sort and didn't want the plane ride to be spoilt!
He told me we were going on a romantic trip to Scotland and instead he drove us to the airport.
He researched hotel, place, my taste, everything he knew I loved.
He designed my engagement ring and sent it out to be made.
I definitely know who's standards I want my son's and daughter to look up when establishing what they want in life.

This is not to make you feel bad OP, as I believe you're already feeling it, but to question yourself, is this what you want?

I think he definitely could have done more to make the moment more special, memorable and romantic. But the cost of the ring isn’t that important. For a couple who have been together so long, live together and have kids it might feel difficult to prioritise the money for a really fancy ring.
What do you mean when you say you were happy then? Back when he proposed the first time. This seems to imply you aren’t happy now.

I think what a lot of people are saying is less about deserving and more about realism. You can want something to be done in a particular way, and think it's reasonable in the circumstances, that's up to you. But when the other person involved evidently disagrees, and has shown you this on multiple occasions, the question is then whether it's worth letting that get in the way of what you actually want. The relevance of being 10 years in and living together with 2 kids is that it's more difficult to make this a deal breaker.

That said, I get wanting to have a ring you like the look of, if it's going to be on your hand for the rest of your life. If you want a new one, I might phrase it like that?

Absolutely this. A proposal/wedding/marriage isn’t about a ring and how much he spent on it. It’s about declaring your love and commitment to one another. You don’t sound particularly happy in the relationship so maybe this is why you feel let down. I don’t think you should be accepting the proposal, to be completely honest. I don’t see the relationship lasting the course.

Dh didn’t do a ‘proper’ proposal to me, ring was £35. We are still together 30 years later. He shows me every day how important I am to him in the love and care he gives me and that to me is what’s important.
I love my ring because of what it represents not how much it costs. I’m proud to wear it because it symbolises our decision to marry. That to me is marriage.

I would have been so insulted at the idea of my DH "taking me off the market" with an expensive ring. We agreed to get married in a conversation of equals deciding our future together.

I guess it just goes to show we're all different!

I don't think I know anyone where it was a down on one knee moment

I was engaged once before I met DH and neither time was especially romantic

It was just a decision to get married at some point

I dunno I feel like this isn’t about the ring. I get that we all just kind of accept the big romantic gestures fizzle out after a few years but why not pull out the stops for this one? It’s not a weekly thing and it’s supposed to be exciting. Maybe if the ring was something you’d like and still that price you would have been happy but I agree it doesn’t feel very thoughtful. What happened to your other ring? Did he take it back? If you put money down did you get that back? If you still have it he could have even got it melted down and redesigned to symbolise the new relationship. It just makes me a bit sad that we all kinda just accept that romance goes away and we just need to get on with it. I would like to add here my mum and stepdad had been engaged for like 15 years before they got married (nothing bad just logistical reasons really) and he still has his romantic moments, still treats mum like a queen and honestly was almost more hands on in the planning than my mum. Romance isn’t dead after a few years you’ve just gotta work on it!

Just wondering if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you or just going through the motions, not very bothered whether you say yes or not?

I get it OP,
you want to feel valued. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

I can’t say if YABU without putting a few things into perspective. How much does he earn? Do you have much spare cash? Does he spend much on himself?