Cheap engagement ring. AIBU

[Georgia1105]

Hi. I’ll give you full picture, I’d really like to know others opinions on whether I’m being unreadable or not. So me and my fiancé have been together 10 years. We have 2 children together. My first engagement ring was about 6 months into our relationship. He never really ‘proposed’ to me. He just casually looked at rings and we discussed which ones I liked. I think I may have even put something towards the ring I’m not entirely sure. I was young and just happy to be proposed to. Although I have a different view now being 34 years old.. back then I was happy. Some years later we briefly separated and I told him I didn’t want to engaged. When we got back together, I said he’d have to propose again and properly. As he never officially asked me the first time. There was no emotional moment of getting down on one knee or anything like that. I believe every lady deserves that sort of effort from the man she’d be spending the rest of her life with. Anyways months later he ended up asking me to marry him when I was feeling icky, sat on my sofa with greasy hair and on my period. The kids were in the room. It wasn’t Romantic at all. I mean can this man not put any effort in? And the ring well…. He left it in the gift bag so I looked up the store he bought it from. As soon as I go onto the website … boom it’s there. The price was £379 or there abouts. So he didn’t spend much on it at all…. Nor did it seem like he put much thought into searching for a ring which I might like. Just the first one that pops up on the website. I can’t help but feel cheated out of a nice romantic proposal and a half decent ring. I can’t even stand to wear it never mind look at it. I feel angry. I’d like genuine thoughts am I being reasonable here?

She's getting a lot of flak because she ridiculed other posters being cheap and will accept any cheap engagement rings and low effort proposals, when it's obvious to outsider that she's the one who's selling herself short. You says a woman deserves effort and romance and this guy can't be arsed. Well, the OP is clearly going nowhere whether the guy proposes or not. She called off the first one and she didn't leave did she?

Think about it as a job. Do you go and tell your boss you need a payrise, complain about 0.1% rise and then just sticks around. If she thinks she's not off the market, she should be ditching her partner and go out and find someone who'll spend a month's salary and get down on his knee and propose.

No point moaning about something when she won't do something about it.

It's true, the OP is treading quite a well worn MN path at this point.

Woman in long term relationship posts about wanting a particular type of proposal, or sometimes just to be engaged at all. Hears some home truths about how expecting the fairy tale proposal is unrealistic and sometimes self sabotaging when you have kids, clearly are not at all traditional and are in no position to extract it from a man who isn't arsed. Is advised instead to think practically. Woman posting then shoots the messenger, defensively says something about standards. Thus is reminded in response that the people replying actually managed, unlike her, to obtain their desire of marriage.

It's happened plenty of times before! Although this one is unusual in the couple having actually been at least arguably engaged before now. Also the period thing is a new one on me. I think I was on mine when DH and I got engaged, actually.

If you’re so desperate for the “perfect engagement”, why don’t you do it?

It’s symbolic. It could be a curtain ring really. The cost should be irrelevant

I picked my engagement ring. Second hand, cost about £40.

We didn't actually get engaged until months later when I officially proposed to DH. That worked for us.

From your post though, do you actually want to marry him?

The whole engagement thing sounds a bit pointless if you've been together for 10 years, technically already engaged and have children. That ship has sailed.

My engagement ring was £1.5k 26 years ago when we were young and poor, DH went down on one knee and everything. If he was to make this gesture now after years of being together I'd tell him to stop being silly and there are better things we could spend the money on.

Firstly in terms of the effort, a little bit of romance, choosing a nice time to do it etc, YANBU.
A proposal/engagement is always going to be a memory of some sort and it would be nice and completely reasonable to think that a bit of time and thought had been put into how/when.

However, the reaction to the price, YABU.

I agree with you. Effort is important and it sounds as if he has made none for what should be a big moment.

As for the cost of the ring….it really depends. How much does he earn, how much is he willing to spend on other things in life important to him?

I would look at it in that context. The amount spent could be a lot or a little. And if other people are happy with cheap rings that doesn’t need to hold any relevance for you.

That said the lack of effort / magic / romance maybe due to the fact you are basically living as a defacto married couple.

“Every woman deserves a decent quality ring in my opinion if the man wants to be the one to take her off the market…”

But you’re already “off the market”, aren’t you? So many women who give the milk for free then feel annoyed he doesn’t want to buy the cow.

My parents were married in 1962 & were married for 58 years until my DF died. DF didn't give DM an engagement ring as he said he wanted to marry her, not to get engaged (they got married 6 months after meeting). He did finally give her a lovely engagement ring for their 25th wedding anniversary.

Apparently he didn't get down on one knee to propose. He took her out to test drive a car that he was thinking of buying and the brakes failed. When they finally got safely home, he said to mum 'I think, since I've nearly killed you, that we'd better get married; what do you think?' LOL!

Honestly you both sound as if you're behaving like children but I think all the drama and fuss around "engagement" is ridiculous anyway and that's probably the main cause of the problem. Get married if you want to get married, don't if you don't but the engagement is an anachronistic side-issue.

You're fixated on the cost of the ring and him creating a "special, memorable moment" of the sort that just doesn't really happen outside of Hollywood. He can't really be arsed with it and isn't really making much effort but I don't blame him if you're being such a diva about it and making it all about the ring.

You've got two kids and have been together a decade: now is not the time for playing Princess. You should have had a grown up discussion about this some years back if marriage was important to you: this is all a bit previous.

Nickel and diming him over the cost of a ring which you care more about than he does is never going to end well.

It is not the cheap ring that would bother me, his lack of effort is annoying.
I can't see him suddenly changing.
You are off the market over a decade.

I’m always bewildered by threads like this. If you’ve been living together for years, and even more so if you’ve got children together, what is the point of getting engaged? Surely you don’t live with someone and have children unless you are both certain that you want to commit to each other for the rest of your lives? I suppose a small token ring is nice once you’ve decided to get married, but it’s fairly meaningless. And to whinge about the amount your fiancé is spending on a ring is so tacky and grabby.

This. Engagement is a ridiculous concept anyway, particularly if you have two children and are living together.

@Nessastats
OMG I fell for it 🤦🏼‍♀️
Or rather my DH did.

In @Georgia1105 there are a few things you need to clarify:
Do you like the ring?
Is the reason you don't like the ring because of the price?
What kind of ring would you like?
Are you able to afford it?

I got engaged before I had DC. If I bought an engagement ring now I am sure I would get something cheaper as we have other priorities in our lives.

You can get lovely rings for that price

A proposal is a simple question: "Will you marry me?" If you told him that he has to ask you to marry him, then YOU have just proposed to him. The rest is just performative fluff, so you don't have your feminine pride dented by having been the one who asked.
If you've been together ten years, have two kids and aren't married yet, then I'm not sure you both actually want to be married, in which case why get engaged?
Engagement is supposed to be the brief bit between asking and doing. It confers no change in status; if one of you were to die or leave, the other one would be in exactly the same position as if you hadn't bothered. The price of the ring is the least of the questions with this engagement.

I've been engaged (and subsequently married) twice - first marriage was 24 years and I have been married to my current husband for 13 years. Neither of them went down on one knee to propose - thank god! My first husband proposed while we were cooking dinner, my second husband while we were in bed after going out for dinner for my birthday. My ring cost £169 (which was very inexpensive even 15 years ago)
I'm afraid I really don't get all this need to be treated like a Princess. Aren't you equal partners?

I don't think your feelings are about the price of the ring tbh. You're equating the price with his effort.

My husband proposed with a ring that cost £100, but arranged a huge surprise party at a place special to us, had all of our loved ones waiting upstairs, took me to the place where we had our first date, and proposed in the queue exactly where we first met. The ring is gorgeous and 6yr on I still love it. And have lovely memories of the day.

Your man could have spent 5k and you'd still be sad cos he just doesn't show any real interest in marrying you or being romantic. I get it, you've done everything so back to front he might feel a bit daft getting down on one knee and planning something special for the second engagement to the woman he's been with a decade and put two babies into lol. But it's okay to want what you want. And if he won't even meet you halfway it just all feels a bit lacklustre to me.

The Good Ship Princessy Footstamp sailed about 10 years and 2 kids ago, OP.

It is very much down the lower end of the market, especially for an engagement ring.

Isn't it a bit silly to be talking about a proposal, down on one knee, fiance, 'a lady deserves....' etc?

You've been together 10 years and have two children!

Low effort is him not marrying you not what ring he buys.

Yeah this is true op, either make a stand or just leave it tbh

You can force him to pay a bit more but it would just be you forcing him

I'd focus on making sure he really wants to be there and reapply appreciates you

What did you do with the first engagement ring?