Cheap engagement ring. AIBU

[Georgia1105]

Hi. I’ll give you full picture, I’d really like to know others opinions on whether I’m being unreadable or not. So me and my fiancé have been together 10 years. We have 2 children together. My first engagement ring was about 6 months into our relationship. He never really ‘proposed’ to me. He just casually looked at rings and we discussed which ones I liked. I think I may have even put something towards the ring I’m not entirely sure. I was young and just happy to be proposed to. Although I have a different view now being 34 years old.. back then I was happy. Some years later we briefly separated and I told him I didn’t want to engaged. When we got back together, I said he’d have to propose again and properly. As he never officially asked me the first time. There was no emotional moment of getting down on one knee or anything like that. I believe every lady deserves that sort of effort from the man she’d be spending the rest of her life with. Anyways months later he ended up asking me to marry him when I was feeling icky, sat on my sofa with greasy hair and on my period. The kids were in the room. It wasn’t Romantic at all. I mean can this man not put any effort in? And the ring well…. He left it in the gift bag so I looked up the store he bought it from. As soon as I go onto the website … boom it’s there. The price was £379 or there abouts. So he didn’t spend much on it at all…. Nor did it seem like he put much thought into searching for a ring which I might like. Just the first one that pops up on the website. I can’t help but feel cheated out of a nice romantic proposal and a half decent ring. I can’t even stand to wear it never mind look at it. I feel angry. I’d like genuine thoughts am I being reasonable here?

Surely the moment has passed now though ? Concentrate on the fact you’ve found a nice man who loves you and wants to marry you . It’s not very easy these days . Everything else is just not important .

Thats just not him.

I mean I don’t know about anyone else but I think £379 is a decent amount to spend on an engagement ring? How much does he earn? I mean, I get that you might be disappointed about the proposal but if you love the guy does it really matter? You sound quite materialistic and princessy and that’s not what marriage is about. Sounds like you like the sound of the fairytale rather than actually being married to someone you love.

Does he make you feel loved in other ways or is this part of a bigger pattern of not making effort? And how would he respond if you said you were disappointed? I think all this matters, but if things are otherwise good, I’d think you were unreasonable and I probably wouldn’t bother anymore if I was him. You’ll probably want a wedding that costs an absolute fortune just for the show.

Anyways months later he ended up asking me to marry him when I was feeling icky, sat on my sofa with greasy hair and on my period. The kids were in the room. It wasn’t Romantic at all.

See, to me that IS romantic. You're a long way from your best and looking it but he still wanted to marry you. I reckon he's a keeper.

The issue here is that he didn’t listen, nor care enough to make this memorable for you.
I think it signifies complacency and a lack of effort. The reason you can’t look at it is maybe the feeling of being let down one too many times?

I get you are disappointed but you’ve been together 10 years and have two children.

I’m trying to be empathetic here but the engagement ring, fancy proposal etc that’s not reality and it’s not real life and someone can do those things and be a rubbish partner and Dad.

From the start it sounds like you wanted the ‘big romance and love’ etc. Proposal aside is he a good partner and father?

My husband proposed in the most unromantic way. My son asked him when he was marrying his Mum (not his child), and he said ‘I’d marry her tomorrow if she said she wanted to’. No huge proposal, he asked me to marry him after a really bad day at work when I didn’t feel good whilst I was in the bath. We talked about rings etc and then didn’t look and my views were unless it was really important to me I didn’t want it. I had the huge engagement ring with my ex and he wasn’t great.

I don’t have a great opinion of huge companies like deBeers etc as they artificially keep the market high and the exploitation and mining issues.

My husband is the loveliest man. He makes me tea, he snuggles me, he does most of the housework and looks after me and us and literally would do anything for me. I haven’t got an engagement ring just a wedding band. Even then we looked at platinum bands and his was quoted at 2.3 K (he has big hands!) and instead both mine and mine we chose both together and then were under £500 together in shop but we both loved the colour and metal. My wedding dress was £75 and our wedding £500.

Does yours look after you if you were sick? Does he pull his weight as an equal partner etc

That is more important.

After 10 years and two children if you want to be married do it - go and do the legal bit we did the cheapest wedding ever. We wanted to put our money into the house, our lives etc

I agree with this too. He asked you when you were low and icky - not in the moonlight and dressed up to the nines and that is more romantic

But you know him and he's never going to do that. Why expect it?

It's your engagement ring that you'll have forever and you should want to be proud of it! I don't think the cost should be the factor, but you should love it. And it sounds like zero effort into the proposal too. I don't blame your for being disappointed. Most of the women on here make out like they'd be happy with a polished dog turd and you should be grateful, f that.

Well hopefully he’ll run towards you. Seeing as you’d accept such low efforts from a man

Yes I agree. Who really wants to be considered a ‘low effort woman’. ‘Oh I don’t have to put thought or effort into her - she’ll accept any old thing!’. I’d rather be high maintenance every day of the week

You’ve already accepted these “low efforts”.

You’ve got two children together!

You mean like you've been for 10 years? How are your current "high maintenance" tactics working out for you?

Marriage is just a gesture anyway once there are children in the mix.

The time for romantic proposals and expensive engagement rings is before you have children.

Once you have a child the moment has passed and marriage is just a business decision.

Having a child is a far greater commitment than a wedding.

As for the price of the ring, how much exactly do you think he should have spent?

How much did you spend on a present for him to mark the engagement?

After all, should it only be the man who shells out a month’s salary for a ring while the woman just sits back and laps it up for the insta likes and the “what a lovely ring” gasps?

I thought the same. £379 is not all that cheap, surely. You've lived together and have children for goodness sakes. I dread to think what you intend to spend on your wedding. Get real.

This romance stuff is part of the game that’s long over for you. You’re already committed more than someone with a big ring and a video and story of your engagement.

You have a different ‘love language’ though so are set up for a lifetime of disappointment if gestures are important. You need to spell it out that you will always want the romance. The anniversary remembered. The Valentine cards and gifts.

I've been married to a wonderful man for 22 years now. We got married after having been together for 5 years in our late 20s. He definitely didn't get down on his knee to propose! In fact I don't even remember how he proposed. Most likely we talked about getting married casually and then started planning the wedding. No candlelight dinner, not even an engagement ring! We picked out our beautiful wedding rings together. Unfortunately I haven't been able to wear it since I started gaining weight in my preganancies which I still haven't lost almost 20 years later.
Despite the unromantic proposal and lack of ring we have built a great life together: 3 lovely teenage kids, a beautiful home and we are still in love with each other. He's just the best husband, father and person!
So, I'd say there are more important things to a marriage, a family and a life together than a cheap ring or an unmemorable proposal. Concentrate on being happy with each other and with your children! Good luck to you!

The price of the ring is unimportant. However, I do understand you wanting him to make some effort. Had you ever discussed how you want to be proposed to?

I don’t get you at all. If you want to be married, just get married. What’s with the hung up with the gesture? You have been together for 10 years and two kids. He doesn’t sound like a big gesture kind of person. It does not sound like you want to marry him at you. If it’s a reverse, I would say you aren’t that into him. You are finding excuse not to get married.

Well you are the low effort one. Why does he have to marry you? Let’s be real. Are you going to walk away if he does not propose? I bet you are still staying if he doesn’t do a thing. If this is a business transaction and he’s a boss, then you are a volunteer. Why pay for staff if he can get a volunteer to do the job.

A marriage isn’t about a ring.

Every woman deserves a decent quality ring in my opinion if the man wants to be the one to take her off the market

I reckon he took you off the market when you had two kids together, surely?

I think this is a communication issue. You're asking for a romantic gesture, and he feels he did do that. But what you want, I think, is glamour rather than romance. You'd like to be proposed to somewhere more photogenic. So tell him.

Lots of people wouldn't want that, so you have to tell him clearly want you want. "Really, you're doingthis now?" Is not clear. "I don't want to do this now as my hair is unwashed and I don't feel glamorous": much clearer

I get it, op. I've been married over a decade but always felt my engagement ring was tiny and with white gold needed recoating often. I upgraded my rings to platinum last year and finally love them! Or course the marriage is the most important part but rings matter as well. You are going to look at them everyday after all x

From his pov though, he's probably thinking, why's this suddenly an issue?

I think statistically in the uk around 2/3 of mothers got married before having kids. For me personally it was a priority that I wouldn't have kids without the legal protection of marriage.

It wasn't a priority for you then, so why now?

Is the proposal a red herring and this is more about feeling a lack of glamour in your life, because I can relate to that, and your dp would probably understand that if you explained it clearly