Cheap engagement ring. AIBU

[Georgia1105]

Hi. I’ll give you full picture, I’d really like to know others opinions on whether I’m being unreadable or not. So me and my fiancé have been together 10 years. We have 2 children together. My first engagement ring was about 6 months into our relationship. He never really ‘proposed’ to me. He just casually looked at rings and we discussed which ones I liked. I think I may have even put something towards the ring I’m not entirely sure. I was young and just happy to be proposed to. Although I have a different view now being 34 years old.. back then I was happy. Some years later we briefly separated and I told him I didn’t want to engaged. When we got back together, I said he’d have to propose again and properly. As he never officially asked me the first time. There was no emotional moment of getting down on one knee or anything like that. I believe every lady deserves that sort of effort from the man she’d be spending the rest of her life with. Anyways months later he ended up asking me to marry him when I was feeling icky, sat on my sofa with greasy hair and on my period. The kids were in the room. It wasn’t Romantic at all. I mean can this man not put any effort in? And the ring well…. He left it in the gift bag so I looked up the store he bought it from. As soon as I go onto the website … boom it’s there. The price was £379 or there abouts. So he didn’t spend much on it at all…. Nor did it seem like he put much thought into searching for a ring which I might like. Just the first one that pops up on the website. I can’t help but feel cheated out of a nice romantic proposal and a half decent ring. I can’t even stand to wear it never mind look at it. I feel angry. I’d like genuine thoughts am I being reasonable here?

Why did you have children before marriage as you've put yourself in a very vulnerable position. Forget the price of the ring, that's irrelevant to the difficulty situation you'd be in if carry on being difficult. He could decide to walk out and leave you because you're being a materialistic cf who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

There was no emotional moment of getting down on one knee or anything like that. I believe every lady deserves that sort of effort from the man she’d be spending the rest of her life with. Anyways months later he ended up asking me to marry him when I was feeling icky, sat on my sofa with greasy hair and on my period. The kids were in the room. It wasn’t Romantic at all.

Oh God, grow up.

I don’t know about anyone else but I think £379 is a decent amount to spend on an engagement ring?

Yup.

You're already low effort, you set your stall out before getting married. You had children and lived together before marriage so he already knows what he's getting. Why get married to you?

If you really valued yourself then you'd have waited to get married before doing all that. You're looking at it upside down and backwards, you've got your priorities wrong.

He might be but she isn't.

You’re not ‘high maintenance’ and you ARE off the market.

Otherwise you wouldn’t have been living with him for years and had two kids before there was a marriage certificate in your hands.

The priority now should be to provide security for yourself and your family, not obsessing over whether he went down on one knee in the style of a Victorian suitor and whether your ring was expensive enough (it was).

If money is an issue then fair enough! But he does sound like he just grabbed the first one on the website which was on special offer! No thought in picking the ring, no thought in the proposal! It is the low effort issue more than anything! Effort doesn’t equal expense - he could have done a number of inexpensive things to propose! Does he lacks confidence? Or just doesn’t have a clue about women or romance……or he can’t be bothered! My step dad is very low level effort and each birthday, Christmas and wedding anniversary it’s the same disappointment every single time for my mum! Who doesn’t want a fuss made over them now and again…..you’re worth it! And he should think the same!

The ring and proposal are nice to have but are the very minor things in your relationship and future marriage. I still believe the engagement is a commitment to marry and any serious engaged couple will talk about that future together

it’s a question of what you want, you said you already had a ring so you considered yourself engaged before I think? Do you want to marry this man?

I've never understood this. Marriage is a sign of dedication and commitment from BOTH. He's been with you ten years, had two kids, and he's still there willing to marry you. The proof he's serious is right in front of your eyes!

There are women in here who have £10,000 rings, with £50,000 weddings who are single now. Women who would kill for a nice, committed man, and you're playing the "I want a grand gesture" card ten years in.

How much do you think your ring should cost OP?

That's very shallow, sadly.
I don't understand this constant need for validation measured by money spent. It's ridiculous, tasteless and shallow. People can show they love and care in a myriad of non-financial ways. But of course, such £££££less gestiures are not so suitable for social media sharing or bragging. The fact he proposed while you were poorly, ragged and miserable is quite a demonstration that he loves you in sickness and in health.
However, leave him if he's not delivering; or have an honest conversation with him, tell him what you want.

Have you planned the wedding or is it just a gesture to keep you happy? It doesn't sound great to me either tbh, does he ever take you out for dinner? Buy you flowers for no reason?

Are you wanting a big meringue wedding, OP?

I get it, you want a bit of effort and thought put into it, I would as well. I'm not married ( well divorced) and my dp and I have no intention in getting married but I do like jewellery and I have got a few bits for presents from him and there has been more effort ( and cost) put into getting them than your engagement ring.

Theres a direct and causal relationship between how expensive women expect their wedding and associated paraphernalia to be and divorce rates. I wonder why?

You’re too focussed on the performative parts and not giving enough attention to the important parts, like, do you actually want to be married to this man?

Oh come on . You’ve been together for 10 years and have kids . He already gave you an engagement ring but you broke it off and told him you didn’t want to be engaged anymore . Guess he’s thinking well , she could do that again. He probably doesn’t like to be told what to do either. Would you. ?

OP, you have children - if your DP had gone out and splashed £5,000 on an engagement ring, then you could have been put out that it was too much money. Once I had DC, all my money went on them. Wouldn’t you rather have, say, a holiday for all of you than an expensive piece of jewellery just for you? The proposal might not have been the most romantic, but OP, that ship has sailed - the important thing is that he wants to marry you, not that you have a knuckleduster of a ring, or had to wait until he could engineer a trip to Paris to propose!

@Butchyrestingface

Look, it's all relative. We don't know OP's and her other Half's finances.
If they haven't got a pot to piss in and are skint £379 is expensive.

Generally the guide is a month's wages or more, however, I guess it's down to your life circumstances and what you want to spend your money on.

@Georgia1105 I personally couldn't wear something everyday that I didn't like so would be having a chat. How are his finances?

I think it’s because you said it was a cheap engagement ring is why you’re getting negative replies . £379 is not a cheap ring .

I think you have bigger things to worry about than the ring and the proposal. Like considering if you even really want to be in a relationship with this man, because it doesn’t sound like it!

It's confusing that you want grand gestures and romantic proposals like you see on tv, but you've already had 2 kids and been together 10 years. If you wanted to do it like you see in the movies, you'd have got married before you had kids.

Anyway, it's definitely out of order to look up the price of the ring because it means absolutely nothing in terms of the quality of the relationship.

If you're not happy with him then don't marry him, he isn't going to change after 10 years together.

You sound overly invested in the proposal as opposed to the relationship. Is he a good man? Is he kind, hardworking, supportive and loving? I think you have watched far too many Disney films. There are things far more important than getting down on one knee with an expensive ring.

I don't think either of you really love eachother or are glad to have the other in your lives. You want to feel madly in love and adored in return. It's just not there unfortunately.

That guide was made up as a clever piece of marketing in the 1930s by De Beers, a diamond company, to sell more diamonds.