Aibu to think you don't shout at other people's children

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

Myself and toddler staying with friend and her husband and baby for the weekend. My toddler threw his cup of water against the wall. My friend REALLY shouted at my (just turned) two year old 'that was naughty! You did that on purpose! I'm not happy with you! Tantrum all you like you've been bad!'
I was really shocked and taken aback and took him down from high chair, took him back to say sorry after they had both cooled off but both friend and her husband were quite frosty with him still. He's only two!

I texted her today to say thanks for having us and offering to send paint out to her if needed (nb it was only water spilt!) and she said she'll tackle the wall this week- no reassurance that it's fine so I think she's still angry with my son/me. But I feel really shaken by this whole experience - I would never shout that angrily at someone else's child (or my own). What do people think?

in reality you are raising your child in ways that make him an annoyance to your friends

Even if this were the case, it’s still not okay to shout loudly/aggressively at a toddler (unless they’re in some immediate physical danger).

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

I mean, have a word with the parent if you think a child isn’t being adequately supervised in your home. It mightn’t go down well, but it’s better than shouting at tiny children. That’s not good.

I would shout at another child if they did something sudden and dangerous. A thrown cup isn't the right hill to die on though.

You can say a stern "no", with a "you can't throw cups in my house" to a 2yo.

They do need to know that other people have different boundaries/behaviour rules.

Parenting is not about shouting. And calling the child rather than their actions as wrong. Not to mention the guilt tripping of ‘you have made me sad’ when a child is struggling to understand their own emotions and may be unable to comprehend the emotions of others. This is adult losing control rather than teaching behaviour management.

ime the DC that have been regularly shouted at over every transgression are the most likely to be inured and the least likely to be able to control their own emotions and behaviour when left unsupervised as they grow older. Or least likely to adequately police boundaries. Adult over reaction creates the next generation of bullies and ‘victims’.

Not under reaction. Being explicitly taught behaviour management. If all DC start school used to shouting what next?

This is an escalating argument for allowing smacking or caning in schools as a deterrent. But as it is quite rightly banned leads to discipline issues.

I very much doubt they promote shouting at small children in montessori or steiner settings. Or that many parents would be happy if that's the kind of behaviour management a nursery worker used with their child.

I don't think OP thinks she is a superior parent. Just a normal parent trying her best/ figuring it out.

OP I'd get off this thread as some people just come on here to be unpleasant and you aren't going to win them over.

Yes it felt passive aggressive to me and making a mountain out of a molehill drama!
Even if it had been ketchup or soy sauce I'd reassure whoever's child did it that it'd be fine (and only let them pay for it if I really couldn't afford a tester pot of paint but be grateful that they offered)

Yes I should have been more specific and worded it as 'shout at to tell off /punish'

@WimpoleHat possibly although nothing else happened as I was so 'on him' and took him out to the front garden to roam around whenever their was a free moment and we'd been out all day

Yes I agree

@Arraminta not an annoyance to my friends plural (even those with equally or more fancy houses!) just this one this once for first time ever, hence I'm puzzled!

Not meaning to come across passag I'm explaining my interpretation of the Montessori at home stuff and how it links to the free to explore 'yes' environment comment that pp picked up on. I don't think I'm superior I thinks that's a projection.

@Allswellthatendswelll yes I agree!

I'm made of thick skin luckily :-)

We are back in my lovely perfectly imperfect flat and he's been dreamy and sleeping well this week, and I know he's a gorgeous good boy really :-)

Of course he’s a gorgeous boy. Have you made up with the friend yet? Has she updated you on Watergate?

Hahah no! I didn't reply to the 'I'll tackle the wall later in the week' just a thumbs up so we'll see if I hear from her again!'😩

In other news I'm being a lot stricter on throwing things this week

Oh my goodness! I had to sign up for this website after reading the people magazine article. I have not even read anyone’s comments, but I will tell you as a mother of three children who are now adults if anybody ever reacted that way to my small child having a tantrum they would’ve had hell to pay. I don’t know if this is allowed in the UK but in most places in the US those parents would’ve been given what for. I would’ve cut off my friendship with them after telling them off left and right and yelling back at them in the same manner that they yelled at my new toddler! Nice traumatizing experience for the new toddler psychos. They were so nasty and speaks to that fact jthat there’s something seriously wrong with them so I hope you’re not friends with him anymore. I would have offered to fix the wall as well, that good arm on that kid maybe he’s ready for the MLB in the USA . I would’ve had my husband take care of it if they wanted him to,😂 and that would’ve been the end of the friendship 100% those people sound nutty, and hopefully they don’t have any children of their own and if they do, they learn their lesson down the road. Don’t ever yell at people’s no matter where you live. Talk to the parents but especially don’t yell at a baby because you might be unpleasantly surprised at what’s coming your way in the USA. By the way, not a Trumper like half our country!

It sounds to me like your precious two year old damaged your friends wall. Something for which you are taking no responsibility for. Your child is young not stupid. 2 is a good age to start learning no and that tantrums are not tolerated. Yes I have two boys, they did not throw things a 2 or any other age because actions have consequences. And, no, I did not spank them.

I agree, OP is not being unreasonable. A friend (who was a primary school teacher) shouted very aggressively at my well-behaved 4 year old for something trivial and after giving her the opportunity to apologise, ask if she was OK etc. no remorse or apology was forthcoming. That was 22 years ago and we have had no contact since. I feel sorry for the children she has taught.

I agree with this - the former friend who shouted at my little girl was married and I was a recently divorced parent. I don’t think she would have shouted so aggressively at any child of a married friend.

Good lord. I'd have totally ignored her and said calmly ' now then, we don't throw at the table' picked up the beaker, wiped the water up, got child down and depending on how upset they were, pushed off home. But we would have been out within 15 mins whatever happened.

I wouldn't have gone there again, nor would I ever let my dc be on their own with someone with such a short temper and lack of control.