Aibu to think you don't shout at other people's children

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

Myself and toddler staying with friend and her husband and baby for the weekend. My toddler threw his cup of water against the wall. My friend REALLY shouted at my (just turned) two year old 'that was naughty! You did that on purpose! I'm not happy with you! Tantrum all you like you've been bad!'
I was really shocked and taken aback and took him down from high chair, took him back to say sorry after they had both cooled off but both friend and her husband were quite frosty with him still. He's only two!

I texted her today to say thanks for having us and offering to send paint out to her if needed (nb it was only water spilt!) and she said she'll tackle the wall this week- no reassurance that it's fine so I think she's still angry with my son/me. But I feel really shaken by this whole experience - I would never shout that angrily at someone else's child (or my own). What do people think?

YANBU. No one should be shouting at children, especially one so young, anyway. Yes we've all lost our rag before with our own which is not ideal. But I can't imagine shouting at someone else's very small child! If she's got a baby she has no experience of parenting toddlers anyway.

I'm sure someone will be on here to tick you off about your parenting or say "well my child would never do that" though as its mumsnet 🙄

She is in for a shock when her baby becomes a 2yo.

Until then, I wouldn't visit this friend again

Shout no. But I would absolutely have told him off for throwing his cup. As I would expect you to have done as well. Cannot be arsed with this gentle parenting bollocks

I wouldn’t shout for that, at a child that age, though it is quite poor behaviour, even for a 2 year old. I would shout at an older child if they were in danger/danger of causing an accident and I do tell children off politely (when their parents don’t see/ignore).

I have shouted before and will again.

Most recently, was at a petting zoo farm type place and a boy was chasing a chicken around and trying to kick it. His parents were watching, non plussed, even laughing at his antics while this hen was terrified.

So yeah I shouted "DO NOT CHASE THE CHICKENS, BACK OFF RIGHT NOW".

He did. Job done. What should I have done? The parents did not give a shit.

This. How will he know it’s wrong if you don’t tell him?

I really don’t understand the throwing the cup - never experienced anything like that with 2 kids, by 2 they should understand not to throw drinks? But I do think that she should have waited to see your reaction and if she wasn’t happy, say to you “aren’t you going to tell him no” etc.

This. I see SO much of this type of thing. Kids who don’t queue because “they’re too young” ( direct quote from the parent when I told the little darlings to get off because there was a queue)

Completely unreasonable of her. The best possible slant on it is that she sees your 2 year old as very grown up compared to her baby, and can’t quite understand how he can be so much older and more capable than a baby, but still immature enough to mess around and throw a cup of water. Yes a two year old does throw on purpose, but not like a 7 year old child would throw on purpose, or an adult. She’s treating him like he has the decision making ability and morals of a grown child. And still it wouldn’t be ok to shout like that if you’re not in charge of the child at the time.

eta - yes a 2 year old throwing a cup of water definitely needs telling off very strongly. Quite possibly you should have shouted or certainly very firmly told him off. But not her - I can imagine if you just laughed it off indulgently or didn’t say anything much, she would step in to say something, but what she said wasn’t ok.

Entirely different scenario so not really sure how this is in any way relevant to anything. OP wasn't ignoring what happened. It
doesn't sound like the OP had a chance to parent in any way before her friend started yelling.

It doesn't sound like OP had a chance to as her friend started yelling at her child before she could react.

Shouting at a 2 year old is just as naughty as throwing a cup and an adult should know better.

Whether or not a 2 year old 'should' know not to throw things, they do still throw things. Yes, correct the behaviour but shouting is unnecessary.

It’s a reply to the main question of the OP - “Aibu to think you don't shout at other people's children”

Agree that the friend didn’t really give OP a chance though.

Just to answer questions above,I did absolutely tell him no that's not nice and take everything in front of him away from him (he did it as he wanted to pour into an empty yog cup and I'd said no as I thought he'd be messy and had just taken the yog cup away)
I'm more of a 'no' and take the stuff away and then teach what we DO do when he's calmer rather than shouting or making a big thing in the moment as he really feeds off that.

Yeah it was definitely him being naughty and throwing in frustration as he wasn't allowed to play with pouring the cups, but it's more the amount of shouting and the fact she held the grudge, shouted again a few mins later and made it really a award for the rest of the evening that I was taken aback by!

@Allswellthatendswelll yeah I didn't have time to do much!

I have told other peoples children off quite firmly when they were standing by doing nothing about their children’s terrible behaviour… And I don’t really care what the parents think of me. However actually shouting at a two-year-old for throwing a cup of water against the wallseems unhinged

I’ll tell anyone’s child off for hurting mine. At an age appropriate way of course but I’ve learnt over the years to never let it slide.
Only if the parent doesnt first.

If you didn’t say something then your friend was right to but her words were unsuitable for a two year old.

If you did tell him yourself and it was firm enough for the situation then she is an arsehole and you need to draw a line under that friendship.
Not all friends are right for the parenting years.

It depends. Dd ran in front of a car when she was little ( 3ish) and the women started shouting at her ( she was in shock and upset at almost running down a small child) Dd never did it again. As I think both me and a stranger telling her off worked better then just me.

Is it possible you were letting him run wild and this was the last straw for her?

But also if shouting worked on him I might do it more often but it just tends to escalate, I'm more of a take things away, then teach what we should do instead later and praise practising the right thing (eg we've practiced putting food we don't want in the cup gap in his high chair tray rather than throwing it and he's got quite good at that now)
Any shouting or 'you made me sad'he usually feeds off and either laughs or tantrums more.

I guess rather than the pros and cons of shouting I'm wondering whether people would do this to another child. I'd be upset if my lovely house was intentionally damaged but I'd be more likely to say to the adult please can you stop him doing that over there than start shouting at the child himself

Yeah I've also said no pushing or no hitting or that's not safe type stuff sternly to children in the playground but not unhinged shouting

I considered this. I have a niece who is horrendously behaved. I’ve really never encountered such poor behaviour. Her parents do absolutely nothing about it unless they are told to and even then it’s very half hearted. It’s infuriating to watch.

To be honest if he doesn't get his malicious side in check people will do worse than shout at him down the line
I know I know he's only two but all the better to embed reactions while the stakes remain low

I wonder if she's thinking 'she should have shouted her boy was being really naughty and rude'

I don't think we'll get an invite back there while he's little but if we did I think I'd have to suggest just meeting up somewhere neutral it was too stressful for me the whole time worrying he might touch something he's not allowed to or move something etc