Aibu to think you don't shout at other people's children

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

Myself and toddler staying with friend and her husband and baby for the weekend. My toddler threw his cup of water against the wall. My friend REALLY shouted at my (just turned) two year old 'that was naughty! You did that on purpose! I'm not happy with you! Tantrum all you like you've been bad!'
I was really shocked and taken aback and took him down from high chair, took him back to say sorry after they had both cooled off but both friend and her husband were quite frosty with him still. He's only two!

I texted her today to say thanks for having us and offering to send paint out to her if needed (nb it was only water spilt!) and she said she'll tackle the wall this week- no reassurance that it's fine so I think she's still angry with my son/me. But I feel really shaken by this whole experience - I would never shout that angrily at someone else's child (or my own). What do people think?

I used to feel a bit affronted if anyone told my kids off but eventually appreciated the help. It's good for kids to hear what's acceptable and what's not from a variety of sources.

I think it was a knee jerk reaction. Your child threw the water , and she reacted.

I wouldn't yell but I'd probably be shocked and tell him off (fairly gently).

I think some people's hatred for what they think of as "gentle parenting" on here has clouded the fact that OP hasn't said she is a) a gentle parent and b) her child has just turned two! c) OP was right there are dealing with it

The OP said No firmly and she was parenting by removing the item before he could throw it again. Then before she could do anything else, like maybe take her child out the room to talk to them, her friend made the situation worse by yelling.

You can parent effectively without it being a competition to see how horrible you can be to a small child who has limited impulse control. You can and should label behaviours bad but not the child as "bad". OP was clearly in the middle of trying to parent and her friend just took over. I suspect there is a bit of a power imbalance in this friendship where the friend with the big shiny new house feels entitled to make her single mum friend feel bad or inadequate when she's clearly trying to parent her best, as we all are.

Good heavens, this seems very over the top.

Agree!

I rarely even shout at my own kids, let alone others! That doesn’t mean I don’t correct them. Shouting is rarely necessary, I mainly shout if something’s dangerous eg ‘STOP!’ [don’t cross, a car is coming]

I've shouted at random kids (don't know whose they were, don't care) when I've seen them harassing animals and will do so again. Probably one of the few scenarios I'll stick my nose in.

If I was the OP's friend I'd have expected the OP to tell her son off, or do whatever was necessary to stop him wreaking havoc on my house. But I probably wouldn't have taken it upon myself to shout at him when his mum was right there. If I felt the OP was being a bit too lax I would've just seethed quietly then not invited them back.

Not knee jerk if she’s still mad about it now (sounds like she is, from what OP said).

Not at a 2yr old, but I have had to yell “don’t you dare!” At older kids in softplay when they went to shove my DD or push her. As long as someone’s kid isn’t doing something/about to do something to mine I don’t care.

However if someone was in my house with a 2yr old who just chucked a cup at the wall I would expect the parent to immediately step in and tell them it’s not on. It’s how they learn the rules, we have to actually tell them. If the parent didn’t do anything then I would tell them, but I wouldn’t yell at them. A firm “you do not throw things in my house” would be received though.

Sorry hadn’t read the whole thread, you told him off and clarified your expectations. What you did was fine imo.

An adult should be able to regulate themself better and not still be sulking about it for days after.

Hmm. Now I’ve read this, I’m wondering if your child is more of a pain than you realise. Because this is an incredibly OTT reaction on your part.

I’m going to admit to shouting at children. I witnessed two kids (12-13?) piggy-backing on an electric scooter through a crowded pavement. They ploughed straight into an elderly couple, knocking the woman down, and she hit her head on the pavement. I’ve never shouted at kids who weren’t mine, but I gave these two an earful. Electric scooters are illegal in England (unless part of a city rental scheme similar to Boris Bikes, which we don’t have here).

I’ve definitely shouted at other people’s children. One was terrorising a duck, (parents nowhere in sight), the other tried to punch my DD in the face at a soft play area. Not the same situation but in public for general safety/animal abuse I don’t think that wrong.

I'd definitely shout at a child hurting an animal if parents not intervening very quickly.

Completely different scenario to the OPs one though.

I'd have told him off quite sharply with a raised voice, as you should have done but actually shouting at a 2 year old is pointless. As you say, it just escalates things because they don't understand. They're two. If he was 4 or 5, I'd be on the friends side but he's just a baby still, they don't get it.

Sooner or later a child is going to have an adult shout at them. It's no use pretending we live in some perfect world where this would never happen - children have to be equipped to deal with the world they live in. Accept it as a lesson for your child and move on.

This one resonates a bit

I think the main thing here is that everything is subjective. We don’t know if the OP’s “shout” is someone else’s slightly raised voice. We don’t know if the OP’s child had been, from the other person’s perspective, a bit of a nightmare. And we don’t know if the friend is “sulking”, as many (not the OP) have said.

But in the grander scheme of things it’s incredibly minor.

My own children never threw cups of liquids up walls .....so yes... I'd certainly tell them off, especially if you didnt.

I’m a teacher. I have shouted at other people’s children! It’s not particularly effective as a classroom management tool though. A whisper can be far more effective.

I think a firm No would’ve worked better in this circumstance.

I was generally happy for my DC to be scolded by other adults though. It takes a village and all that.

Malicious? He's two!

Once my two year old swiped a glass in a restaurant and it went everywhere- it was impulsive, she got more of a shock than us, noone shouted, we explained it was wrong- she's 11 and she's ever done it again, and is very well behaved.
Noone should be shouting at a two year old for that, explain and move on it's not a big issue.

It takes a village.

Agreed. So he got shouted at. Big deal. But certainly not worth an apology and the softly softly “he’s safe with mummy” speech.

Coupled with the “it’s not nice” and I suspect this child is going to grow up like the rest of society’s undisciplined brats.

People on here need some lessons in basic human development. Toddlers have no impulse control. The ‘friend’ has no idea what she has to come. I had a friend who sternly told me that I needed to make my 18 month year old daughter sit up at the table for a 1 hour and 45 minute wait for food rather than take her into the garden to run her around a bit. A few years later I got a message from her saying sorry, she had no idea what toddlers were like.

OP I think you might be setting yourself up for a lifetime of unruly behaviour where your child is under the impression they can do no wrong. I wouldn’t have apologised to my child if he had just carried on tantrumming the way you describe he did after he was shouted at by your friend. Shouting isn’t always great but it doesn’t sound like the gentle approach is always great either. I suspect your friend disagrees with your approach generally and this is why she’s giving you the cold shoulder. Also ‘shouting’ is very subjective. If he wasn’t scared or shocked then I doubt she was shouting very hard.