Aibu to think you don't shout at other people's children

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

Myself and toddler staying with friend and her husband and baby for the weekend. My toddler threw his cup of water against the wall. My friend REALLY shouted at my (just turned) two year old 'that was naughty! You did that on purpose! I'm not happy with you! Tantrum all you like you've been bad!'
I was really shocked and taken aback and took him down from high chair, took him back to say sorry after they had both cooled off but both friend and her husband were quite frosty with him still. He's only two!

I texted her today to say thanks for having us and offering to send paint out to her if needed (nb it was only water spilt!) and she said she'll tackle the wall this week- no reassurance that it's fine so I think she's still angry with my son/me. But I feel really shaken by this whole experience - I would never shout that angrily at someone else's child (or my own). What do people think?

It really doesn't sound like it based on OPs responses.

Also friend is an adult, not a small child with limited impulse control. She should be able to control herself not to lose it with a child who isn't even her own.

I think roads and danger is the main time that we SHOULD save shouts for to get them
To pay attention

Op sounds like she laboriously indulges him which I would find really annoying to be around(the mum in question presumably also has a short fuse from new baby exhaustion)

Jesus Christ he is two. Malicious?!

Was the baby in the room? Could the cup have bounced and hit the baby? Either that or she could be sleep deprived because she has a baby?

But also if shouting worked on him I might do it more often

So you do shout at your child sometimes?

She shouldn't have shouted at your toddler but I'm guessing it was a stressful visit, which is understandable with a 2 year old who doesn't live there and a mother who's still parenting a young baby.

Come on if she is the type of person to hold a grudge at a 2 year old then I am betting she jumped in before the op had time to react. What sort of person holds a grudge against a 2 year old

@Fragmentedbrain possibly in comparison to her quiet crawling baby it looked like that to her. I felt I was actually totally helicopter mum the whole time stopping him touching anything at all as I know they are so tidy and house proud and haven't toddler proofed (their baby is just crawling)

I think it's the way she was talking to him like he was a 5-6 year old level of understanding too, when he doesn't actually understand any. Of the complex language she was using

Yup I mean I did kind of go with us as it's her house her rules and he does need to know that people will have reactions

I have never shouted at my children. I have been firm, I have raised my voice and little, butcI have never shouted in 9 years of being a parent.

I would be furious if anyone shouted at my children. I would probably have left. Noone deals with my children when I am there, that negates me as a parent. I would never step in if it were other children, unless the parents were refusing deal with it. But they should be given their place.

But no one is allowed to shout at my children. If my parents, ir even dp did, I would be v film about it being unacceptable.

My children are not brats by the way.

Plastic cup towards wall and no baby was already in bed and is a good sleeper (and she had a great and helpful husband who gets up at 6am with baby while she sleeps till 7.30/8!)

Honestly it sounds like you need to put the friendship on the backburner for a bit. Maybe they will chill out a bit more when their baby is the same age.

I have friends that I would never see with my children or theirs. We have very different ideas about parenting so it would all end in tears.
I do think that you were wrong to allow someone to shout at your toddler. Even if you were being flakey and she felt it was warranted you should have defended him.

@IPM no I don't really shout at him expect if he tried to do something very dangerous like try to grab something hot or run toward a road i would shout no or stop as i grabbed him.
What I mean was Months and months ago when he started throwing food he didn't want I tried the whole 'no! Mummy is sad' but it was more stern than the really big telling off shout that my friend did, and that escalated him rather than making him
Comply (hard to translate my friends shouting to text but it was a big outburst, but also intentional as she said the same to him again a few mins later in same tone - it was her chosen behaviour management strategy rather than her losing control)

So she used ti be a teacher of bigger kids like 6-8 years old. And compared with her baby maybe as my toddler can talk a bit she expects him to have the same behaviour as the ones ahead taught?

When I had a baby and my friend's toddler poked him, I remember being incandescent with rage that this huge monster had even breathed the same air as my precious tiny. I freely admit its not rational...

Yes it's perfectly possible to parent consistently and have boundaries without shouting (I have shouted before but always regretted it). I'd only shout at a friend's child if they were in danger/ causing danger. I've taught for 15 years so I've no issue with telling other people's kids off (not by shouting) but not if the parents are there- it's not for me to parent other people's children.

How did he react when she bellowed at him?

I would also never shout like that at someone else's kids. I think it is kind of mean and scary, and also not my place to 'teach' them if their parents are around too.
What she is totally entitled to do is set boundaries in her own home so say he can't eat there and not invite us back etc or tell me I need to block him throwing things.

@Allswellthatendswelll I think that's my plan, I don't want to see her again anytime soon with the kids at least. She has moved further away from town (to get this lovely big house) so I don't see her now without travelling.
She probably feels she doesn't want to invite us back anyway 😆
They do seem to host people with children that often so I wonder if my child is the most outrageously behaved they've had or if they always shout if house rules are broken?!

YANBU. There's a difference between talking to a child firmly who is hurting others when out and about and someone yelling at a 2 year old for throwing a cup in a home whilst their parent is right there. It is rather unhinged.

Whenever I have playdates and the other child is misbehaving I always let the parent deal with it in whatever way they want to. Some are firm, some are softer, that's their choice. I just sit there thinking thank goodness that isn't my child ha. Yelling at their child would never cross my mind.

I know i feel really guilty. I took him upstairs and had a long bath with him and told him I was sorry she was shouting, she doesn't like throwing but [name redacted] is learning to not throw food and water (then we talked about what we CAN throw) but he's safe with mummy and mummy loves him etc

I think it is rational with new born as they can catch germs and toddlers are so germy!

He shouted more (ie continued the tantrum that was babbling) and started frantically trying to climb out of the high chair and bashing the tray of it

We’ve just had kids staying for the weekend. It’s so hard not to be frustrated when they trash the house over and over.