Aibu to think you don't shout at other people's children

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

Myself and toddler staying with friend and her husband and baby for the weekend. My toddler threw his cup of water against the wall. My friend REALLY shouted at my (just turned) two year old 'that was naughty! You did that on purpose! I'm not happy with you! Tantrum all you like you've been bad!'
I was really shocked and taken aback and took him down from high chair, took him back to say sorry after they had both cooled off but both friend and her husband were quite frosty with him still. He's only two!

I texted her today to say thanks for having us and offering to send paint out to her if needed (nb it was only water spilt!) and she said she'll tackle the wall this week- no reassurance that it's fine so I think she's still angry with my son/me. But I feel really shaken by this whole experience - I would never shout that angrily at someone else's child (or my own). What do people think?

The shouting would bother me less, the holding the grudge would get to me.

There's telling a child off and then there's being angry with them. Your friend was angry with your child, hence the frostiness and grudge holding. That's not ok. Throwing a cup of water is unacceptable behaviour but at 2yrs old they are learning that. What grown adult is so precious they can become angry with a 2yr old?

If they'd just shouted but moved on after with kindness - then that's fine.

Chances are their anger was actually at you. Which is either down to a few things

• you're a weak parent and they had a belly full of misbehaviour from your toddler and only a muttering from you to address e.g 'no no darling, we don't draw on the walls, let's paint a picture'

• they just don't have a clue and think that your 2yr old is misbehaving because you haven't raised him right.....as in they don't understand that the teaching part of parenting lasts years. They seem to think its all done and dusted by the time a child is 1yr old 😅

If there's an issue with your parenting reflect and address.

But otherwise I'd probably ditch them as friends. Because even if you do have an issue with someone's parenting it takes a special kind of psychopath to remain angry at a 2yr old.

The other side - they've just had a baby and the whole weekend was immensely stressful for them and they just aren't themselves (we all remember that time!)

YANBU

she’s only got a baby? Doesn’t understand toddlers yet and she will clearly be different when it’s her turn

How are you so sure she’s holding a grudge? The OP merely says she didn’t reassure the OP that it was all fine. Possibly the OP was expecting a response telling her it was all fine, that her friend really does love her and her son and that they are safe with her.

This is so incredibly over the top that I’m inclined to think she decided you’re not a very effective parent and had had a gutful of your kids behaviour.
It can be really frustrating being around someone who doesn’t correct their small children. I don’t really see much of my sister because her children are feral and aside from a bit of ‘ooh no don’t do that darling’ she does absolutely nothing to correct them and my kids are sick to death of being hit, kicked, bitten, hair pulled, games ruined etc etc.
In your shoes I’d probably take a step back and I think she will likely already be thinking the same.

Guess the difference is between shouting and telling off, wouldn’t do the former but I’ve told off many a child who has been pushing/ punching / generally not nice to grandkids in play areas etc

How do you know she isn't when the OP expressly said she was? See OP's 3rd post.

I tend to take things at face value on here instead of making up imaginary scenarios that fit a narrative I want to create. She said her friend held a grudge/was frosty after. That's the information I have. So that's what I'm replying to.

Why invent things? You weren't there, neither was i - but it makes far more sense to form a reply based on the information an OP has put forwards.

I once panic shouted at my SIL's 3 or 4 uear old not to touch the blade that he was reaching for. It worked and avoided an accident but SIL and partner got quite upset and said "We don't shout at him".

I decided then and there I wouldn't intervene again and if their kid ended up with no fingers, that's their lookout.

I raised my DC with the notion that "it takes a village". Very happy for other people to correct him if he's being a nuisance.

I think that's fine and normal

@Gymmum82 I definitely do correct him/take away the thing he's not being appropriate with/end the fun as a consequence. I don't get in his face and shout at him.

It was his bathtime anyway, I didn't take him away for a bath especially!

I wanted to address it as it was an odd experience for him and tbh I felt quite shaken and shocked (probably from the social awkwardness as much as the shouting though)! So wanted him to experience calm etc before bedtime

I’m not making anything up. The OP changes “no reassurance” to “held a grudge” (I can’t see frosty mentioned anywhere) but that’s all, and that’s all subjective.

And I’m using her own words that she used to her son in response to this extremely minor occurrence to suggest that she might just be over-egging this a bit.

Best not to invite them until they’re older then.

She's not your friend otherwise her response would've been 'he's only little, it's only water! Don't worry about it!"

She wouldn't see me or my child again if it'd been me...

I wish I’d shouted at the little sod in Kew Gardens some time ago, who was gleefully stamping all over a beautiful bed of scillas. Parents were fondly looking on and saying not a word.
I could hear that they were foreign so that partially deterred me, but I still thing I should have told them that it was unacceptable behaviour.

You sound like a nice mum, OP. I probably would have - calmly - told off my child and the other mum, since she was acting like a big kid herself.

Whatever, I stand by the advice I gave OP and my own comprehension of what she wrote.

Kids who are properly parented don’t trash other people’s houses.

@Ddakji
‘Trash’ can be somewhat subjective though. You wouldn’t think so, but it can.

But either way, whether pp’s younger guests were absolute and complete terrors, or whether she’s not used to kids’ age-appropriate behaviour, or both, it just doesn’t sound like a good match at the moment.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to invite people into your home who frustrate you by their behaviour. Pick a location outside of the house to meet up instead if possible.

I think panic shouting is entirely appropriate to save life and limb! Like the roads examples pp gave, it's one of the reasons you don't want them to get used to shouting and it would lose its shock factor

Thank you! I try very hard to be!

I agree and if we are invited back, which is unlikely, I'll say thanks but best not till he's bigger and less messy

Definitely didn't trash! (But my friend probably thinks so if it went from perfect to less than perfect!)
I do disagree though as u think all just turned two year olds can have tantrums when they don't get their way especially if a bit out of sync with their normal routine and environment, no matter how brilliant the parent is

@Ddakji he's also away too young to have any idea what's his or other people's property etc. in my flat and at nursery things are totally baby proof so he generally can go round exploring and opening things and walking where he wants as I've made it a totally safe 'yes' environment, so when he's been in their house and I keep saying 'no' to everything he tries to touch like their tv remote their plants their bins etc it had probably all piled up hence the final tantrum about the ester

I'm not sure, I am a bit of a Gina Ford fan, but throwing or casting to give it it's developmental name apears around 9 months in most children, we had 2 rules from when they were able to throw or kick:

1. Balls are for throwing /kicking
2. That happens outside

So absolutely no throwing or kicking of anything happens inside ever. From before their 1st birthday. By 2 they absolutely understood this.

God sake. It is ignorant nasty comments like this, that are making parents so stress, you are nasty and horrible and should be no where near young children with that attitude.

I wouldn’t expect anyone to shout at or discipline my child when I’m sat right there, that’s my job. If they were looking after the child of course they are the adult in charge. I couldn’t imagine telling someone’s child off when their parent is right there unless they had hurt someone