Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think you don't shout at other people's children

215 replies

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 22:01

Myself and toddler staying with friend and her husband and baby for the weekend. My toddler threw his cup of water against the wall. My friend REALLY shouted at my (just turned) two year old 'that was naughty! You did that on purpose! I'm not happy with you! Tantrum all you like you've been bad!'
I was really shocked and taken aback and took him down from high chair, took him back to say sorry after they had both cooled off but both friend and her husband were quite frosty with him still. He's only two!

I texted her today to say thanks for having us and offering to send paint out to her if needed (nb it was only water spilt!) and she said she'll tackle the wall this week- no reassurance that it's fine so I think she's still angry with my son/me. But I feel really shaken by this whole experience - I would never shout that angrily at someone else's child (or my own). What do people think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 23:08

starrynight009 · 30/03/2025 23:03

YANBU. There's a difference between talking to a child firmly who is hurting others when out and about and someone yelling at a 2 year old for throwing a cup in a home whilst their parent is right there. It is rather unhinged.

Whenever I have playdates and the other child is misbehaving I always let the parent deal with it in whatever way they want to. Some are firm, some are softer, that's their choice. I just sit there thinking thank goodness that isn't my child ha. Yelling at their child would never cross my mind.

I agree.
I also messaged her with a thank you and saying I hope the wall is ok and please let me know if it needs a touch up and what kind of paint I'll sent it to you, expecting she would ignore that or say don't worry toddlers hey but she said she'll be tackling it this week 😆
I think I was so on edge being in a show home my son probably picked up in my stressy vibes which made his bevavioie worse as he was good as gold when we got to the grandparents this afternoon!

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 23:10

BlondeMummyto1 · 30/03/2025 23:08

We’ve just had kids staying for the weekend. It’s so hard not to be frustrated when they trash the house over and over.

Yup I get that. I was trying so so so hard to not let him trash the house but they have such a nice decor show home!

OP posts:
ohnowwhatcanitbe · 30/03/2025 23:13

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 22:59

So she used ti be a teacher of bigger kids like 6-8 years old. And compared with her baby maybe as my toddler can talk a bit she expects him to have the same behaviour as the ones ahead taught?

Show quote history

Well if she was a teacher that makes it worse, quite frankly, because although it is okay to tell a child off and say that was a bad / naughty thing that you did, you should never ever tell a child "you've been bad" or naughty. It is a bad action, not a bad child.

She was way over the top shouting at him like that anyway.

TillyannaB · 30/03/2025 23:14

@Unexpectedlysinglemumyanbu, shouting at a 2 year old should not happen unless there is a threat of danger.
i shouted at mine ONCE when she was just 2 because she ran off in a car park. Yes I’m fully to blame as she had never done this before and it was the same route we did to the same area 5 days a week, however I needed her to know NEVER to do that again. I felt AWFUL for weeks after but I needed the message to sink in and tbh I was ready to burst through fear and anger to myself. She could have been killed. Massive lesson to me there too.

My point though is, there may be times parents shout at their own child but ffs not over a cup up a wall. A firm/ louder no then a simple ‘we don’t do that’ or similar with the child then helping clean or having some time out equivalent is enough for a just 2 year old with a conversation after reminding the expected behaviour then MOVE ON otherwise children are being told off too much and they become numb to it.
this is how I was with dd and she now gets a different, firmer tone if it’s a ‘tell off’ and that’s enough, she listens and responds perfectly.

Op your ‘friend’ needs to stay away from your dc - she should not have shouted and said all that regardless of what he did. God help her when hers is a toddler!

I would reassess your friendship because you don’t sound on the same page at all.
You sound almost thankful to have this friend when many people in this situation would have torn a strip off the ‘friend’ for shouting at their child and left there and then.

go to some preschool groups and meet new people.

AppropriateAdult · 30/03/2025 23:17

Fragmentedbrain · 30/03/2025 22:49

To be honest if he doesn't get his malicious side in check people will do worse than shout at him down the line
I know I know he's only two but all the better to embed reactions while the stakes remain low

You can’t be serious. He’s two. He’s a large baby. He doesn’t have a malicious side, he has very limited impulse control and no ability to see the consequences of his actions. Removing the cup and briskly telling him not to do it again is all that is required.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 23:18

TillyannaB · 30/03/2025 23:14

@Unexpectedlysinglemumyanbu, shouting at a 2 year old should not happen unless there is a threat of danger.
i shouted at mine ONCE when she was just 2 because she ran off in a car park. Yes I’m fully to blame as she had never done this before and it was the same route we did to the same area 5 days a week, however I needed her to know NEVER to do that again. I felt AWFUL for weeks after but I needed the message to sink in and tbh I was ready to burst through fear and anger to myself. She could have been killed. Massive lesson to me there too.

My point though is, there may be times parents shout at their own child but ffs not over a cup up a wall. A firm/ louder no then a simple ‘we don’t do that’ or similar with the child then helping clean or having some time out equivalent is enough for a just 2 year old with a conversation after reminding the expected behaviour then MOVE ON otherwise children are being told off too much and they become numb to it.
this is how I was with dd and she now gets a different, firmer tone if it’s a ‘tell off’ and that’s enough, she listens and responds perfectly.

Op your ‘friend’ needs to stay away from your dc - she should not have shouted and said all that regardless of what he did. God help her when hers is a toddler!

I would reassess your friendship because you don’t sound on the same page at all.
You sound almost thankful to have this friend when many people in this situation would have torn a strip off the ‘friend’ for shouting at their child and left there and then.

go to some preschool groups and meet new people.

Thanks, yes that's what I was thinking but they had almost worried me that I've been too soft on him I felt quite judged (I am single mum so I am often running around after him like a mad thing rather than able to get him to stop still in once place very often as he's full of beans!)
I was staying with her a couple hours from home (she moved away from our city recently) and it was dinner - if it was a lunch nearby I would have left right away. I think I was in shock as I haven't heard her say or so anything like that were normally on the same page about most things (except she's more type a perfectionist and I'm more type b relaxed a bit messier type)

OP posts:
Bridezillasista · 30/03/2025 23:21

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has been identified in real life, so we've agreed to take this down.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 23:21

Ps for context her and her husband aren't British (other English speaking country and European) so I don't know if I'm expecting more polite pretend it doesn't matter type vibe as I'm so English

OP posts:
Ruffpuff · 30/03/2025 23:21

What on earth, the ‘friend’ was being vvvvv unreasonable.

I’m not saying that I never shouted at my own 2 year old in frustration from time to time (wasn’t proud of it). However, I would never shout at another person’s child of that age, with the exception of them perhaps harming another baby/child. Even then, it’s absolutely ridiculous to expect a toddler to understand the content of what she was saying. She was bang out of order and the fact her annoyance continued is even more infuriating.

I just hope karma gets her in a year’s time when the quiet baby starts behaving like a toddler. Toddlers are by nature illogical, unpredictable, impulsive and emotional- you could be the best parent in the world and end up with an embarrassing toddler outburst at an inconvenient moment.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 23:22

This reply has been deleted

The OP has been identified in real life, so we've agreed to take this down.

Could you have a chat with their parents before you see them next and say my toddler doesn't like it when they sit on him please could you ask them not to do that and to play football / play dough /barbies with him instead?

OP posts:
OneFineDay13 · 30/03/2025 23:24

she sounds like an utter bitch all over. Wayyy over the top reaction to a 2 year old

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/03/2025 23:25

I've seen many on Mumsnet state that 'it takes a village (to raise a child)'. I presume they imagine 'the village' benevolently ensuring the safety of their child crossing the road, watching over them like so many guardian angels, helping them learn to ride a bike etc. Somehow they never imagine that 'the village' will tick their child off.

I'd have ticked your son off too, OP. I wouldn't have shouted but my voice would have been sharp and firm and accompanied by my now-perfected deathstare.

sellotapechicken · 30/03/2025 23:26

Depends what they’re doing tbh

Mumtobabyhavoc · 30/03/2025 23:27

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 23:10

Yup I get that. I was trying so so so hard to not let him trash the house but they have such a nice decor show home!

Show quote history

They're in for a rough ride as parents if they expect everything to be perfect with kids! Lesson learned. Keep your distance. 💐

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 23:28

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/03/2025 23:25

I've seen many on Mumsnet state that 'it takes a village (to raise a child)'. I presume they imagine 'the village' benevolently ensuring the safety of their child crossing the road, watching over them like so many guardian angels, helping them learn to ride a bike etc. Somehow they never imagine that 'the village' will tick their child off.

I'd have ticked your son off too, OP. I wouldn't have shouted but my voice would have been sharp and firm and accompanied by my now-perfected deathstare.

The ticking off is what I would do and expect everyone to do, but then move on quite quickly. It's the prolonged shout and then more shout later and passag moodiness from her that that I was so shocked by

OP posts:
Bridezillasista · 30/03/2025 23:28

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has been identified in real life, so we've agreed to take this down.

sellotapechicken · 30/03/2025 23:29

So It takes a village to you @Unexpectedlysinglemumclearly means ‘you can look after my child whilst I have a night off’ not tell my child off for throwing a cup at a wall. Are you also a ‘gentle parent’ I want you to come back when your kid is 14 and has never heard the word no

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 23:30

OneFineDay13 · 30/03/2025 23:24

she sounds like an utter bitch all over. Wayyy over the top reaction to a 2 year old

Yup I agree, normally she is SO nice though! Like came and visited me lots when I was single with a new born brought me food over etc.
i think she is perfectionist type a and maybe needs to be controlling over keeping her environment look very clean and pretty to feel calm .
I have embraced the chaos in my house as I'd lose my mind if I didn't 🤣

OP posts:
SpringIsSpringing25 · 30/03/2025 23:32

Fragmentedbrain · 30/03/2025 22:49

To be honest if he doesn't get his malicious side in check people will do worse than shout at him down the line
I know I know he's only two but all the better to embed reactions while the stakes remain low

Malicious????

throwing a cup at a wall is not desirable, granted, but it's not malicious!!

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 23:32

sellotapechicken · 30/03/2025 23:29

So It takes a village to you @Unexpectedlysinglemumclearly means ‘you can look after my child whilst I have a night off’ not tell my child off for throwing a cup at a wall. Are you also a ‘gentle parent’ I want you to come back when your kid is 14 and has never heard the word no

He definitely hears 'no' and has things taken off him. But not loud shouts lectures about about my feelings going on again throughout the evening as he just wouldn't understand the cause and effect.

OP posts:
Allswellthatendswelll · 30/03/2025 23:35

sellotapechicken · 30/03/2025 23:29

So It takes a village to you @Unexpectedlysinglemumclearly means ‘you can look after my child whilst I have a night off’ not tell my child off for throwing a cup at a wall. Are you also a ‘gentle parent’ I want you to come back when your kid is 14 and has never heard the word no

Has the OP actually asked for childcare from this friend? Or are you just assuming this as she's a single mum?!

If she was looking after OPs child for her, hypothetically, then in that hypothetical situation she could firmly tell him off (still no need for shouting) but as OP was right there to deal with it then there was no need for her to shout.

sellotapechicken · 30/03/2025 23:36

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/03/2025 23:25

I've seen many on Mumsnet state that 'it takes a village (to raise a child)'. I presume they imagine 'the village' benevolently ensuring the safety of their child crossing the road, watching over them like so many guardian angels, helping them learn to ride a bike etc. Somehow they never imagine that 'the village' will tick their child off.

I'd have ticked your son off too, OP. I wouldn't have shouted but my voice would have been sharp and firm and accompanied by my now-perfected deathstare.

Completely agree! I bet op never says no and only says sadly ‘oh darling we use kind hands’ when her child is hitting and snatching things.

don’t be friends with them if you don’t want them to say anything about your ineffectual parenting @Unexpectedlysinglemum. maybe stating a thread on a massive uk parenting forum about a specific incident wasn’t the best idea. Would you happy with the chance your ‘friend’ sees this shared by Mumsnet on Facebook or picked up by the daily mail? Perhaps that’s the best thing that can happen and you won’t be friends anymore

Mumtobabyhavoc · 30/03/2025 23:42

Fragmentedbrain · 30/03/2025 22:49

To be honest if he doesn't get his malicious side in check people will do worse than shout at him down the line
I know I know he's only two but all the better to embed reactions while the stakes remain low

Holy fuck. 🤦‍♀️

Franjipanl8r · 30/03/2025 23:48

My gran who had 6 kids always used to say “don’t waste your energy shouting”. It’s completely pointless. Discipline and rules are one thing but raising your voice as a parent is a waste of energy. Shouty parents create shouty kids, not nice kids.

AliceMcK · 30/03/2025 23:50

So where exactly where you op? I have no problem with people correcting my child behaviour although never needed as I’m onto it first, but screaming at my 2yo and holding a grudge would result in me getting right in their face and asking what the fuck they think they are doing screaming at my baby! I honestly don’t think shock is an excuse, this is your baby and it is your responsibility to protect and speak for them.