Aibu to think you don't shout at other people's children

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

Myself and toddler staying with friend and her husband and baby for the weekend. My toddler threw his cup of water against the wall. My friend REALLY shouted at my (just turned) two year old 'that was naughty! You did that on purpose! I'm not happy with you! Tantrum all you like you've been bad!'
I was really shocked and taken aback and took him down from high chair, took him back to say sorry after they had both cooled off but both friend and her husband were quite frosty with him still. He's only two!

I texted her today to say thanks for having us and offering to send paint out to her if needed (nb it was only water spilt!) and she said she'll tackle the wall this week- no reassurance that it's fine so I think she's still angry with my son/me. But I feel really shaken by this whole experience - I would never shout that angrily at someone else's child (or my own). What do people think?

Hmmm, this is very telling. OP I strongly suspect that you're not nearly as good at moderating your toddler's behaviour as you think? I think your friend had simply had enough.

Generally people only shout at another person's children because that other person isn't doing a good job of parenting them. Think about it, if the parent of the misbheaving child is taking appropriate action then there is no need to shout. As the parent you need to be in control of your child, you are responsible for their behaviour. You should not put them into positions where they are likely to struggle to behave and must take immediate action when they do. That way nobody else feels the need to intervene.

It sounds like she was upset about her pristine house getting (shock horror) water on the walls. Shouting at my kid for doing something most two year olds do? I would only step in and say (not shout) something to a child if their parents weren't present. And then holding a grudge against a two year old fir said behaviour. Charming. I wouldn't want to see her again tbh. I expect the irrational dislike of your child would continue. And OP isn't asking about how to discipline her kid she's asking if it's ok to shout at someone else's two year old (shouting quite emotionally manipulative things). No it isn't.

What is wrong with any of that? He's two, in a strange house, got frustrated and got shouted at by a stranger. Why shouldn't she help him to feel safe. Some people seen to think discipline means being cold to your child. No it doesn't. It means cultivating a warm relationship with them while teaching them what is an isn't acceptable. For a two year old, that learning won't be instantaneous. It will be reinforced across several different social environments across a period of time. Shaming makes them more likely to hide things from you later.

This doesn't reflect what happened. She shouted before OP could intervene. I try not to shout at my own children. I would never shout at anyone else's child unless they were in immediate danger and I needed to get their attention. Even if I thought a friend wasn't doing a good job of moderating their child's behaviour I would never shout at a two year old for throwing a drink against my wall. Just no.

Most ridiculous comment on this thread. Malicious at two?! What nonsense.

Sounds like the friend was totally out of order. Would love to be a fly on the wall in her show home when her baby starts toddling.

Oh dear Lord.

Apparently it takes a village to raise a child, but that village can't do anything about the child's behaviour.

Some parents withering pathetic asking their kids to stop doing something gets my goat sometimes as the kid isn't listening to them.

You'd not be invited around again either if it were my wall....

Really? He’s never interacted with other toddlers where he’s been told that something is someone else’s? Or learnt at all that not everything is a toy? I bet he has at nursery, I doubt he’s allowed to fling cups of water around there.

Still, never too late to start! Children don’t exist in a bubble of their own.

Sometimes people shout at other people's children because they don't have appropriate self restraint. A two year old is constantly in situations where they might struggle to behave because they are two. His parent was right there and attempting to take immediate action.

I can't think of a single one of my friends who, if I behaved in this way to their child, wouldn't think I was a bit unhinged and not want to hang out as much.

I find this really odd. My DC never lived in a “yes environment” and neither does DGS (15mths). Of course anything that’s a danger to him isn’t within his reach but there are things he shouldn’t touch and he’s learning not to. He’s learning not to bang his cup on the coffee table, he’s told “X, no thank you, we don’t do that” if he carries on, it gets taken off him for a minute or two. He grumbles then goes to find something else to do.

I wouldn’t have shouted in this case, but I see why your friend was cross.

Just bide your time - her child will be 2 and causing chaos soon!

Yes, totally agree with this. Creating a completely Yes Zone for your toddler at home really isn't sensible parenting, at all.

When our DDs were little we expected the exact same behaviour at our kitchen table/home as we did in a cafe/friend's home. That way, there was always continuity and no confusion.

I would dearly love to hear the OP's friend's side of this tale.

Thanks!
Yes I am not claiming that I am doing the parenting perfectly just wondering about her reaction

Really? You need to change this pronto. A toddler can’t go around thinking that s/he is all allowed to touch or play with everything. S/he needs the concept of ‘ no’ and that certain things are out of bounds.

@Arraminta her version is probably
'My friend has this really naughty child that purposely threw his drink everywhere! I would have been screamed at and punished if I'd done that when I was younger! he should realise that he'd upset me and I didn't want to be friends with him when he does things like that! Our friend doesn't respect our lovely home if she allowed her child to do that. Offering to pay to paint it isn't enough, we shouldn't have been put in the situation where our wall was damaged!'

Ok, you’re starting to be pretty unpleasant about your friend, despite choosing to bring up a child that’s never heard the word “no” and therefore probably shouldn’t be in other people’s houses.

He isn’t malicious! He is 2!!! He doesn’t even understand the concept of being malicious!

@WhereIsMyJumper he js startjng to get 'I'll do this to annoy them/exert my control as I feel that I've lost control or not getting my way' in the sense that he did do it on purpose/knows he's not allowed to throw stuff off his dinner tray and usually places rejected stuff in the little drinks bit instead (when he's in a compliant mood, which is most of the time luckily)

I wouldn't call that malicious more like a tantrumy protest

That’ll be the result of living in a ‘yes environment’. Doesn’t like the word no.

@LittleMonks11
He gets told no often enough when needed eg for his or others safety or health or when something he wants to do is annoying or inconvenient or I don't want to do it. Sometimes he does cry/ tantrum for a few seconds (until distracted) when he's told 'no' but that's pretty developmentally normal - all his same age friends from nursery /NCT are the same.

'Yes environment' at home (like nursery) more means he can explore things freely and safely as I am on my own with him I'd rather be able to go to the loo in peace then trust that he will obey my 'no climbing up the bookshelf when I'm gone' or 'don't open the hot oven it's on' I just remove or put locks on dangerous or breakable or mark making things so that if he does explore and touch /use things (as is normal for toddlers) it doesn't matter. Also called baby proofing.

Ah so just normal responsible parenting then. Why to you call it a living in a ‘yes environment’. Such jargon.

@LittleMonks11 probably all the Montessori at home type social media pages I follow!

If my 2 year old threw a cup at a wall in a friends house then she would be welcome to tell her off and raise her voice while doing so. Totally unacceptable behavior. I'd get a friends child in trouble for it and would have no problem with a friend doing it to mine.