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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think you don't shout at other people's children

215 replies

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/03/2025 22:01

Myself and toddler staying with friend and her husband and baby for the weekend. My toddler threw his cup of water against the wall. My friend REALLY shouted at my (just turned) two year old 'that was naughty! You did that on purpose! I'm not happy with you! Tantrum all you like you've been bad!'
I was really shocked and taken aback and took him down from high chair, took him back to say sorry after they had both cooled off but both friend and her husband were quite frosty with him still. He's only two!

I texted her today to say thanks for having us and offering to send paint out to her if needed (nb it was only water spilt!) and she said she'll tackle the wall this week- no reassurance that it's fine so I think she's still angry with my son/me. But I feel really shaken by this whole experience - I would never shout that angrily at someone else's child (or my own). What do people think?

OP posts:
Arraminta · 01/04/2025 22:32

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 22:07

@LittleMonks11 probably all the Montessori at home type social media pages I follow!

Hmmmm, well that explains an awful lot. You're doing your toddler no favours by following this sort of nonsense and I speak as someone who was educated at a Steiner school (which has marked similarities to Montessori).

As a parent you have a duty to teach your child to behave in socially appropriate ways that are acceptable to the vast majority of the population. Not subscribe to a very niche philosophy that will expose your child to condemnation.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 23:51

@Arraminta Montessori at home isn't about behaviour management, it's about exploring the environment and learning via touching and playing and concentrating and being busy independently.

I'm not saying I'm allowing my child to throw his cup (if you read my thread you'll see I intervened) I'm asking if my friend was reasonable for really shouting at him

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 23:54

DonaldMacRonald · 01/04/2025 22:24

If my 2 year old threw a cup at a wall in a friends house then she would be welcome to tell her off and raise her voice while doing so. Totally unacceptable behavior. I'd get a friends child in trouble for it and would have no problem with a friend doing it to mine.

But do you think 'telling off' and shouting and continuing with saying I'm not happy with you about twenty mins after it happens would work to 'teach' a just two year old?! A four year old maybe. I think just turn two year olds really only respond well to quick cause and effect - I did this, my things got taken away , I won't do that again if I like those things.

OP posts:
LadeOde · 01/04/2025 23:57

Depends on what he was doing after 20mins of being told off? and for the hundredth time, yes, she was reasonable in shouting at your precious 2yr old child. If this is causing you and him such distress, perhaps you should keep him at home in his 'Yes environment' Hmm.

Neversayit · 02/04/2025 00:05

I think she was being very unreasonable OP.

BoredZelda · 02/04/2025 00:21

Fragmentedbrain · 30/03/2025 22:46

Is it possible you were letting him run wild and this was the last straw for her?

I’d put money on it.

KoalaKoKo · 02/04/2025 02:10

If she gets that upset about water just wait until her baby becomes mobile and starts rubbing snot on furniture, putting its hands on gross things and then rubbing them on everything in the house. Kids are gross - she may need to relax a bit - you’d love to be a fly on the wall when her kid takes it’s first crap on the floor or flings it’s first bowl of ragu lol.

I disagree with shouting at random kids but did minorly raised my voice at a 5 year old once, he had violently pushed over my then 2 year old and as she went to get up again he charged at her screaming to get out if “his playground”. I said very firmly “no, we do not push or hit” and put my hand in front of my daughter. His mum thanked me saying she didn’t see on time to stop him, she was quite weepy and didn’t seem to know what to do as he clearly was having some issues. I have talked to kids about their behaviour on a few occasions when they’ve been violent, aggressive or vandalising things. I think it takes a village, I would have no problem with someone talking to my child about obviously bad behaviour but I would be upset if they shouted.

Magpie50 · 02/04/2025 02:41

I have shouted at other people's kids and will probably do so again! (There are some right little shits round this way!).

I wouldn't shout at a toddler though unless they were doing something that put them in imminent danger.
I would tell them off though for throwing things.

DonaldMacRonald · 02/04/2025 06:35

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 23:54

But do you think 'telling off' and shouting and continuing with saying I'm not happy with you about twenty mins after it happens would work to 'teach' a just two year old?! A four year old maybe. I think just turn two year olds really only respond well to quick cause and effect - I did this, my things got taken away , I won't do that again if I like those things.

Show quote history

But the original post (nor subsequent posts as far as I can see) don't say she was going on shouting for 20 mins?

Toddlerteaplease · 02/04/2025 06:42

If it’s damaged the paint or wall paper, I would be very cross. So would have told him off.

Viviennemary · 02/04/2025 06:58

Your child was naughty in somebody elses's house. And got told off. But it was your friends fault. This was quite a destructive and deliberate act.

,

Superhansrantowindsor · 02/04/2025 07:02

She over reacted but if she’s a good friend and normally nice- perhaps she’s over tired with a baby - I’d forgive her.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2025 08:36

@DonaldMacRonald I am the op! She didn't go on for 20 mins, she had the original shout and then 20 mins later when we were back in the same room she shouted and sulked at him again 'I'm not happy with you that was very naughty' etc - which seems even more bizarre as he would have forgotten what happened by then!

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2025 08:39

Just to clarify as well, it was more of a im very upset and suddenly pushing everything in front of me off my tray (and the cup got thrown into the wall) rather than picking up a cup and aiming for the wall if that makes sense (those with toddlers will know!) to give a correct visual.
So while he was definitely tantruming her wall was more collateral damage than a deliberate victim
And it was water - I'm not a paint expect but don't think it will be lasting damage

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2025 08:40

Viviennemary · 02/04/2025 06:58

Your child was naughty in somebody elses's house. And got told off. But it was your friends fault. This was quite a destructive and deliberate act.

,

That is sarcastic right?

OP posts:
alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 02/04/2025 08:41

Gymmum82 · 30/03/2025 22:33

Shout no. But I would absolutely have told him off for throwing his cup. As I would expect you to have done as well. Cannot be arsed with this gentle parenting bollocks

Agree. This gentle parenting is a PITA for everyone else.

wherearemypastnames · 02/04/2025 08:42

People will shout at children. And I would be surprised if you never shout at yours - even if it’s just “stop” when they head for a road or whatever dangerous

with three paragraphs and plenty of words the “20minites later” seems a bizzarre addition - didn’t this thread go the way you wanted ?

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2025 08:42

Toddlerteaplease · 02/04/2025 06:42

If it’s damaged the paint or wall paper, I would be very cross. So would have told him off.

Just to get things off your chest or because you think that a just turned two year old would understand and never do it again based on your shouting and saying you're not his friend and you're not happy?

I just find it so weird. Before I had kids friends with little ones and my nieces regularly broke or split stuff at my house and I found it annoying and moved breakable things out of their reach etc but it never occurred to me to shout at any very young children

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2025 08:45

wherearemypastnames · 02/04/2025 08:42

People will shout at children. And I would be surprised if you never shout at yours - even if it’s just “stop” when they head for a road or whatever dangerous

with three paragraphs and plenty of words the “20minites later” seems a bizzarre addition - didn’t this thread go the way you wanted ?

I totally agree with attention grabbing shouts for safety if roads or knives or hitting other children or something

However I'm not saying not to tell off.

This shouting wasn't quite her losing control it was more like a conscious I've decided to do some shouting as a punishment as I think this will work and is needed, it might have worked ona four year old but not on a just turned two who was upset and disreghlated it just made him and the situation worse

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2025 08:46

wherearemypastnames · 02/04/2025 08:42

People will shout at children. And I would be surprised if you never shout at yours - even if it’s just “stop” when they head for a road or whatever dangerous

with three paragraphs and plenty of words the “20minites later” seems a bizzarre addition - didn’t this thread go the way you wanted ?

Sunday at 22.42 I mentioned the additional shouting episode

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2025 08:49

wherearemypastnames · 02/04/2025 08:42

People will shout at children. And I would be surprised if you never shout at yours - even if it’s just “stop” when they head for a road or whatever dangerous

with three paragraphs and plenty of words the “20minites later” seems a bizzarre addition - didn’t this thread go the way you wanted ?

Didn't want it to go one way or the other I opened it up for debate as it felt so strange to me but she's normally quite reasonable (if a bit type a) so wanted to gather thoughts and my updates have been to clarify.
It seems pp are pretty divided which I guess was to be expected!
And I think the answers show who currently knows just turned two year olds and who has a hazy memory of these times too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2025 08:50

I don't ever shout at anyone though (unless to alert them to danger) a car almost knocked me off my bike yesterday through idiotic turning and not looking and I didng shout at the driver even though she definitely deserved it!

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/04/2025 08:52

I think the question you’ve asked clouds the issue a bit.

There are circumstances when it’s fine to shout at someone else’s child - if they’re doing something dangerous, or harmful to others,etc

Sometimes it’s the only way.

I don’t think this was one of those circumstances. I don’t expect anyone to shout at a 2 yo just for being “naughty” tbh. It sounds like your friend was really quite aggressive, and way out of proportion. I’d expect them to be told off, but not in an aggressive way.

I’m not a “gentle parent” but I think she was OTT

As for “I’ll tackle the wall this week” - what is there to tackle, it was water! Doesn’t make your toddler’s behaviour Ok but I think she was a bit rude to you here as you’d been very apologetic.

WimpoleHat · 02/04/2025 09:23

Fragmentedbrain · 30/03/2025 22:46

Is it possible you were letting him run wild and this was the last straw for her?

This occurred to me too. You are seeing what for you is one, out of the blue incident to which you think your friend overreacted. Are you sure that she hadn’t been cross about multiple incidents which you had seen as “just being two” or things that you think are okay as part of a “yes environment” which she saw very differently and this was a bit of a straw breaking the camel’s back moment for her? I do mean that kindly: my DH could have moments like that (whereas I would get a bit cross with each individual thing, rather than anything build up and, to them, come out of nowhere).

Arraminta · 02/04/2025 10:05

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 23:51

@Arraminta Montessori at home isn't about behaviour management, it's about exploring the environment and learning via touching and playing and concentrating and being busy independently.

I'm not saying I'm allowing my child to throw his cup (if you read my thread you'll see I intervened) I'm asking if my friend was reasonable for really shouting at him

Oh bless you. I can assure you I know rather a lot about Montessori. At Steiner schools the Kindergarten and early years education are run along very similar lines.

I'm finding your behaviour on this thread quite passive aggressive. You clearly think you are a superior parent, but in reality you are raising your child in ways that make him an annoyance to your friends.

I can pretty much guarantee that this cup + wall incident was actually just the straw that broke the camel's back for your friend. But you won't see it, will you.