Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

Does he realise it is over? I'm so glad you are standing up for yourself OP.

What did your cat say when you broke the news?

You are doing so well, OP.

If you find yourself starting to waver and are feeling uncertain about ending the relationship, I’d separate the living arrangements from the romantic relationship.

Your partner and the children living with you does NOT work for you - that is non-negotiable.

If you want to salvage a relationship with him (and I’m not suggesting you do or should!) that’s a different discussion.

If he will not separate the living accommodation issue from the relationship then he is treating you like a solution to his current housing crisis. That isn’t respectful, responsible or acceptable. It’s using you like a resource - and you deserve much better.

who uses the word 'gay' as an insult these days?!?! jesus. That, again is their mum and dads job to educate them...

Chiming in again - you have no overreacted. And DO bookmark this thread to remind yourself that his behaviour & that of his kids is not normal.

If you go to someone's house and they say "we take our shoes off", do you prance into their living room wearing your muddy trainers? No.

If they say "we don't take food into the lounge", do you traipse on through with a packet of crisps and settle onto their sofa? No.

If they say "let's watch a film, I think you'll enjoy this one", do you immediately huff and yell "Boring!" while watching YouTube loudly on your phone? No.

If I had done any of that, let alone at 11 or 14, I'd have been frog marched out and told in no uncertain terms that I won't be going anywhere nice until I know how to behave. You had reached a point where your home was no longer your haven because of his kids' behaviour - and that is not ok and it is not normal or healthy in a supportive, communicative relationship.

Finally, keep an eye on this dummy-spitting behaviour in future partners. I told my ex "I am upset that you said y because" and his reaction was an immediate, angry "well I'll never speak again, I can never say the right thing, it's best if I never ever speak at all!". Someone explained to me that this reaction was deliberately disproprtionate because he wanted me to make me the bad guy and to scare me into not correcting him. I've never been able to unsee it, so next time someone says "well I may as well just go!", let them. xxxx

I wonder what the children's mother would do if everyone took her at her word and stopped having the children? She would have shot herself in the foot then because she'd have to have them all the time, thus disrupting her social life.

She did cat love eyes😍- those slow blinks cats do :)

Clear confirmation you're doing the right thing then.

Omg I have a no shoes rule and his Dad refused to take them off!!!

Said it would be too much of an effort as he'd only have to lace them back up!!!

His mum also trotted in in her shoes the last time they were here as well!

Oh I bloody hate that when you've asked them to take off their shoes and they ignore you! They are all getting worse and worse ...

I think he's waiitng for me to come to my senses...He's not acknowledging the elephant in the room, apologising, or trying to at least suggest anything either....his p[assivity says it all

The list of why you are better off without him just keeps growing.

The whole family was stamping all over your (entirely reasonable) boundaries. You have rid yourself of an entire circus of untrained monkeys, well done!

Hence why people are saying it is not a stable home situation for them. To behave well, children need stability. It is quite obvious there are these sorts of background issues feeding into their behaviour. It lies with the adults, not the 11 and 14 year old. Bear in mind, too, they will have had years of this dysfunctional dynamic.

I know!
I think it was not acknowledging my family member's death that really cemented their selfishness though, and I've never seen them the same way since

i'd be sending him a text asking when he's getting the rest of his crap? XD

At some point these children are going to have to realise they can’t manipulate the world to suit themselves, and their behaviour does have consequences. Hold firm. If exDP refuses to challenge their behaviour they may feel validated in the short term, but ultimately it will do them no favours.

I'm realising just how dysfunctional it is now, it really is.

I presume he's going to try to use his ex's behaviour to persuade you that poor little dad doesn't have any choice in any of the things he should be doing, and he's only doing his best under difficult circumstances...etc etc. And maybe he wasn't too well when he overreacted? A virus maybe? But you must see that he's stressed.
Don't fall for it. This has clearly been going on for ages and he will be very anxious to get his free lodgings back.

Agreed, I couldn't keep ignoring him as I would just want him to know it's over.

It’s a shock when a relationship breaks down so suddenly and dramatically. But you’ll be better off! I’ve been there.

You’ll soon be enjoying your freedom, your own space back and much less stress.

Stay strong, you deserve so much more.

He's following the toddler's play book after his tantrum.
He expected you to capitulate and ideally even apologise at the weekend. You didn't.
He now expects you to forget it and go back to normal. You aren't.
If you still don't apologise, he'll start to panic about what he's going to do with his kids and will try to sneak in, and might even do something nice: the equivalent of petrol station flowers and chocolates, or maybe he'll suggest spending some time together "just the two of you". When you say no, he'll complain that he's trying so hard to fix things/ he's stuck in the middle... Ignore this.
He'll then go back to bad behaviour. When that doesn't work, he'll say that nobody else will want you, you're lucky to have him. You're not.
At no point will he do the sensible thing: actually parent his children instead of trying to be their "cool dad".

@innersilentscreams So, he's texted you a couple of times as if the argument never happened? What a CF! 😡 He's clearly, in his mind, giving you time to "calm down" so he can work his way back in. Don't fall for it OP. I would maintain radio-silence if I were you, but if you do feel tempted to reply, make it this: "Why do you keep texting me? I have nothing else to say to you". And then block him.
Enjoy your peaceful life and clean home OP! 🤗

I'm reading this now and finding it very helpful, thank you

I had a similar experience with my ex. His daughter was continually surly, rude and ungrateful. I mentioned how upset I was after a holiday I paid for all of us, with her cousin also, who was nice. He blew up, stormed out and put me though hell for 3 months.

The thing is he is a narcissist - he enjoyed doing it to me, and used what I said as an excuse to punish me and inflate his ego. I finally left him, and the joy in the simple things and life in general now that I am rid of the trauma he created is wonderful

Ask him to leave. Go no contact. You are worth more than this. ❤️