Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

'Yes if you're feeling well enough, you should go', and in his words 'Didn't seem concerned for me, you seemed happy for me to go, despite me being ill', he came home in a proper sulk.

Bloody hell!

It’s not about whether it’s ok but rather about whether they need help.

Seems to me a part of what they need is for their father to house them somewhere where they “ belong.”

I’m not sure why the resistance to that suggestion as it appears to cater to the op’s best interests too.

All’s well that ends well, huh?

I think there's a reason this man is divorced.

Also he was seriously punching with a 39 yr old with no kids (bet he's older than you too).

Realistically, he’ll never change and the DC will grow up still as horrors. Some woman will be on MN complaining about how useless they are in years to come.

Well rid, OP.

Bollocks. They've learned this behaviour from him - don't forget, he forced his way into your home for his benefit, he monitored your comings and goings through security cameras, he threatened to leave because you dared to suggest that the children shouldn't treat you like shit - and then he went ballistic and stormed out, thinking it would break your heart and you'd grovel for his forgiveness. And now he's trying to reel you back in so he can get the nice warm bed, meals and bills taken care of - and his children looked after/housed/fed - again.

It's fuck all to do with him being a little scared soul being bullied by a big, scary woman. It's him reaping what he sowed.

Please, please don't take him back. MN will have your back and help you build the shark cage you deserve

I am not sure that this father is acting out of concern for his children’s welfare, @Calliopespa - he just doesn’t like being pulled up on his utter lack of any parenting. He lets his kids get away with all sorts of unacceptable behaviour both at the OP’s house, and at their grandparents, and does not appear to have done anything to tackle either the behaviour or the reasons for it. If he hasn’t done it so far, I have no confidence that he is suddenly going to start parenting these kids.

His behaviour when you were grieving was abominable.

But also, Glasses are such an indispensable, expensive and personal item, I still can't get over the fact that when you witnessed his kid actually deliberately scratching your glasses, he tried to convince you that

1. You were mistaken. He didn't scratch them - they were already scratched (I KNOW whether my glasses are scratched or not!)
2. the child was just being "curious" (completely understandable because 11 year olds haven't ever come across a pair of glasses before)
3. you were completely over reacting and should forget about it.

How exhausting to have to deal with someone who never credits anything you say.
Good luck with the lock change. I also hope you had a good weekend, but sadly I have no sports results to report. 😂

Don't worry. Other than one complete wanker (is your ex a City fan, by any chance?), all of the responses are saying he's a prick and you were absolutely in the right.

Don’t worry about it, in the unlikely event he reads it, it’s even less likely he’ll recognise that shit behaviour as being him and his kids. Stay strong @innersilentscreams

You need to sort this as otherwise he will know when you are not there.

Tape over it until you get control or get your own security in place.

Yup, don't worry about the DM article, the comments are -beyond a couple of obvious idiots - very strongly in your favour!

She didn't say anything just purred & purred & purred.

He's really awful.

Please do not let this poor excuse back into your life

At what point does a sad backstory stop being an excuse for shitty behavior?

It very much is about whether their behavior is okay. Whether they need help is a separate issue, and one that isn’t OP’s problem to solve. The reasons for the behavior do not negate the harm caused to those on the receiving end of it, and nor does it absolve them of responsibility.

What I find alarming in threads like this is the fact that there can be children who are so clearly struggling with the environment and shape of the family life they have had thrust upon them and yet so many people think the 😱 issue is that there are crisp crumbs on op’s sofa.

Good for you, OP. Please keep this energy, and don’t allow either him or your mother to sway you.

I have two boys the same age and, although they are far from perfect, I would be horrified if they acted like that.
I understand that they might be pushing boundaries as you are relatively new in their life but they sound awful! Lots of people are saying you should try and find someone without kids but that isn’t necessarily true. Step parenting can be really hard but it doesn’t have to be like this.
If I was you, I’d steam clean my home and think what a lucky escape I had.
perhaps you could consider your own boundaries in relationships before you get into something new as you were definitely taken advantage of.

People saying they're “Impressed he puts his kids first”.
He isn't parenting, he's letting them shit all over OPs house, being rude & making her feel miserable in her own home.
He can Fuck off & let them behave like undisciplined pos in his house.

Why does your mum and dad getting divorced mean you have to leave crumbs?

Maybe they’re just dicks.

My mum has messaged saying when they all come over next time, perhaps I should set them up their own separate TV/games console set up in their room....!!

Is it possible that Idiot-Ex has been in touch with your mum?

The comments are 99% supportive and his DC have their 15 minutes of fame - although it’s all anonymised.

They can all stay with your Mum when his Mum kicks them out ...

No, she would tell me for sure. She has also said he needs to apologise, so that's good